The Dichotomy

I’m so happy.  I’m super, super happy.  I feel good, I look good, I feel inspired and delirious and completely in control again.  I've been able to manage a lot more in more work-outs, I feel strong and impenetrable.  I feel so capable like I could break through a wall.  Goodbye immoveable object--hello unstoppable force..!

Physical Chemistry is beginning to click into place--my deductions are scientifically sound and a good healthy mix between skepticism balanced evenly with deductive reasoning based upon valid experimentation. 

Biochemistry is second-nature and I can look at a molecular structure, protein structure, or really any other macromolecule and decide the dynamics with just a few moments of analysis.  Everything is mathematically based and flows smoothly between the axons in my brain--solidly connected and supprted with other, alternate though equal routes of effectiveness.

I love my life.
 

I don’t typically write serious entries but I really don’t have a choice.  I’m terribly depressed right now.  My love life is great, my life is fine, this is perfect nonsense to be bothering me so deeply but I can’t shake it.  I’m going to regret this in the morning.  I’m going to condescend the fact that I even put this up.  I can’t handle this.  Not working out, not exercising, not feeling that euphoria of being productive and meeting my own extremely high standards.  I feel impotent, I feel castrated.  I feel weak and worthless.  I feel  like a failure.  It’s the fucking flu.  Seriously?  I shouldn’t be so blasted upset.  I am –not- a depressed person—I’ve been very fortunate.  But this?  This is awful.  I can’t sleep, I can’t focus. I feel isolated and depressed.  Angela suggested I find something else to do.  But I can’t.  The headache is so bad I can’t read.  I can’t do simulations for a similar reason.  I’m mentally and physically unable to feel productive.  I feel like such a failure.

How many muscle fibers am I losing every second I sit here and do nothing?  How many imperfections am I accumulating by this blatant laziness.  My doctor said that if I work out I have serious risks of getting pneumonia (every asthmatics fear) and I need to be healthy blahblahblah. I spent last weekend taking a break—why am I so weak that a weekend can’t knock the flu out –with- medication..!  It just propagates this idea.  I want to do a thousand things right now but I can’t.

This sounds so ridiculous.  I apologize.  I want to feel good again.  I want to feel proud of myself.  I want to feel like I’ve done something worth my time that makes me a better, stronger, healthier, more in control person for it.  That’s it.  I feel out of control.  Some stranger tells me that I’m making myself so sick.  This awful feeling is my own fault?  God that’s a hard pill to swallow.  I want to explode.

(translation for your viewing pleasure)

beat it, just beat it

what if kashmora hugs u?

what if Nepali magic is cast on you?

...oh, the worried sexy

even your shivering is very lady like

beat it, just beat it

if kutchi kuttang comes which becomes sand as soon as it born

if u wanna kiss it, u hate it

black magic will be done, lives will be lost

u'll go mad and u'll come to death

oh house wife, oh ball of flowers, oh peace, peace

rudram roudram ririmsa, moorkham moodham mumurshaa

killer killer killer

if the corpses come alive

and your clothes are set on fire, how can the fires be put off?

exorcise will be done, a hen's throat will be cut

in the streets of graveyards, ghosts will be caught

oh lady lovely beauty, oh bhadra kaali kaankaali

teevram teendram didruksha mundu venuka pariksha

Here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zL6xgki326E
They just... can't be serious.
 

 

There is a face that watches me when I work.  This face does not move, an artistic expression and it knows me through and through.  It watches me when I cannot fathom my suffering; it knows and delights in my perpetual breakdown day after day.  Coy vixen, you lower your eyes in that way.  I try demeaning you to escape my torment—in vain.  You still smile and watch and watch and watch.  Your voyeuristic pleasure derived from my meltdown.  I try explaining your cruelty with consanguinity.  I try explaining your consanguinity due to genetic drift.  All for not; my feeble attempts at breaking your self-esteem fail one by one.  My tactics crumble around me and you still smile.

Foiled again.

Did you not ask if she was a Christian?

She haunts me so often… I think of her and I just can’t siphon energy for anything but her.  This ridiculous concept drives me insane.  There’s no release; there’s nothing but pitch black at the end of this tunnel vision dream.  She’s so out of reach.  I’m so strong in everything; but her.  When it’s her I puddle into droplets.  God it won’t end.  I want her so badly I can barely function. 

There is no release; nothing to bury these feelings with.

I am so masochistic sometimes. 

Perhaps just a couple more episodes.

Behind the wasted opportunity; in the eyes of the cheap colored lights before this sun sets. It flies and dies. I never thought I would change my opinion again.  Moved into this way I don’t recall and you move into position and abuse me in this way I’ve never known.  Just take me over into madness.

You think that I’ll tell you that.  But where’s the sense in that?  Try to return to where we go down. Surrender. I can’t speak.

Strip my senses on the spot. I’ve never been defenseless, can’t make sense, I don’t hear. Uh!  Don’t try to fight the feeling because the thought alone is killing me right now. You think you’ve got it?  But got it just don’t get it cause there’s nothing at all.

How was I supposed to know? Now you’re out of sight.  My loneliness is killing me. Pray, give me a sign? I’m blinded. Oh because…

Clearly.



WE ARE... the Ginyu Force!


 

Ladies is pimps too; go on brush ya shouldahs off~~



I disagree, Mr. Pindergrass.  Don't you see, if we align with the Daeva--the succubi--they'll just as quickly sell out to the next shiny thing that passes by their eyes.  We should continue our efforts with the Mekhet--like fellows of the mind, you know.


 

Imagine a deeply southern gentile accent, “So the non-polar molecules clump together away from the polar water molecules.  Energetics, is what I mean… Now… Why? Why is that?....... Jennifer?”

Amidst looking on the internet behind a nice safe computer,  “Ah-oh-um… The non-polar molecules have lower energy configurations clumped together, as does the water molecules.  This occurs spontaneously, and increases the entropy.”

Now I can’t get that concept out of my mind.  The way that things are spontaneously drawn to and fro no matter if that non-polar molecule is stranded somewhere distant from its counterpart.  It manages to find its way.  As if the very medium—the polar water molecules part and give entryway.  As if it knows.  I feel like that. I think it does.