This weekend I drove down to New Haven with Ben and Sarah to Granny's. Andy met us there and today we all ran the New Haven Road Race. They (and our cousin Clayton) ran the 20k (12.4 miles) and I ran the 5k. I haven't been running much lately, maybe once every two weeks (I still don't love it) but I have been walking for an hour every day so I decided to set a goal for myself of finishing in under 45 minutes. I don't like to work hard so in the back of my head I was sure that I was going to quit after five minutes and just walk it but I surprised myself and ran the entire thing without stopping. I finished in 44:15 and I just about bawled at the finish line.

Running is very emotional for me. My dad was a very avid runner. By the time he was thirty-nine, when he passed away, he'd completed thirty-nine marathons. I was never athletic, I wanted to be in a corner somewhere reading, not playing soccer or running races, both things my dad wanted me to do. Sarah and Andy have both fallen in love with running, they've both completed a marathon and are training for their second. I want to love running - there's an enormous sense of accomplishment when I'm done because I've done what I was sure I couldn't do. But while it's happening all I can focus on is how much my legs hurt, how sweaty I am, how much I wish I wasn't running.

This is also one of the last races my dad ran before he died. I have a picture of the six of us sitting on the curb in New Haven, waving frantically to him as he passed my Granny's house. It was Labor Day weekend 1992, three months before he died. So today while I was running, at mile two when I was soaked in sweat (record humidity in New Haven today) all I could think about was I, someone who'd never imagined I could run, was running the same route my dad ran twenty-one years ago. It was really special, even more so because I was sharing it with Sarah and Andy.

Here's a picture of us this morning at 7 before we left for the race.



The following is something Andy shared with me this weekend and I'm putting it here because I'm still absolutely livid and I need to vent.

Saturday, before we arrived in New Haven, Andy and I were texting. He asked if Will was coming and I told him no, Will had decided to stay home. Andy mentioned that he was bummed because he thought if Will saw all of us running he might be inspired to make some positive health changes in his life. And then he said he could do without the homophobic comments and said:



Andy told me this on Saturday and I cannot get past it. Will is incredibly ignorant and uneducated about a lot of things, but I can't let this go. Andy asked me not to confront him about it or make a big deal of it, but I just can't. I can't live with someone who says things like this to people. I talk to Will regularly about being humble and grateful. When he first moved here we all went out to dinner and he got called out by the waiter because he didn't leave a tip on his bill. I asked him about it and he says he never tips. He's twenty-five years old. It's time for him to grow up. I haven't decided how I'm going to broach this with him but for my own sanity, I am going to talk to him about it because I love Will and I don't want him to be the kind of person who says such ignorant, hateful things to people, especially to the people I love.

That's all about that, I just needed to talk about it.

I just got back from New Haven. I went grocery shopping, I cleaned the kitchen and now I'm going to overdose on Tumblr.

You know what has always been tough for me? Finding a healthy balance in things.

Right now, I'm struggling with how to balance being a responsible, healthy adult (which involves things like showering daily, doing laundry, cooking healthy meals, grocery shopping, cleaning the kitchen, bathroom, bedroom), with working full time (which involves looking professional, being out of the house for ten hours) with having a personal life (my closest friend wants to see me all the time and there is NO time), with online stuff (like catching up on tumblr, blogging and livejournaling and facebooking). How do you DO IT?

I am feeling so overwhelmed. I haven't had a weekend at all. I worked all day Friday until 8:30, got home at 9, woke up at 7 on Saturday to go help my sister and her husband move (they sold their house and are renting for the next year), babysat from 2:30-6:30, then again for another family from 6:45-11:00, got home at 11:30, passed out, woke up this morning at 8, drove an hour to babysit from 10:00-2:30, drove to Hanover to work in the box office for two film shifts, 3:00-4:30 and 6:00-7:30. So when I drive the half hour home tonight, I'll have the work week ahead of me and will have not accomplished anything, like planning what I'm going to eat this week (not to mention grocery shopping). I have a sink full of dirty dishes, a messy bedroom and no time. I'm feeling so overwhelmed. I know I won't be able to keep this babysitting schedule in the future without going insane (and dropping the working out and Weight Watchers) but I really needed the money since I won't get paid until the end of August.

It takes effort to eat healthy and lose weight. It's easy to grab fast food or whatever if you're busy, but it takes thought and time and forethought. Not to mention how do you find the time and energy to exercise? I have a plan for tomorrow since my work schedule is 9:45-6:30 that involves going to the gym before work so that when the day is done I can go home and cook, but I mean, how do you do it?

I admire all of you who do and if you have advice, I am all ears, because I am serious about wanting to find a healthy balance for everything. My default reaction to feeling overwhelmed and stressed is to say "forget it" and not do anything at all, ignore laundry and dishes and cleaning and cooking and exercise and just be a blob on the sofa until bed. But I tried that and it eventually cost me my job and it doesn't make me feel good about myself and it doesn't make me happy. But it's a lot to juggle and I'm feeling just a little bit intimidated.

I'm going to spend the hour and a half break between shifts coming up with a schedule/plan for the week that will hopefully calm my stress a little.

(Just typing all of this out has helped me sort it a little, and that's something that I really need. That's why I love LJ.)

Here are some pictures from last week at the beach.

( I do love showing off my familyCollapse )

You know how the longer you're away from something the harder it is to come back?

I haven't posted anything here since last fall and so much has happened and changed since then that as much as I think about coming back here and posting, it's hard to make myself do it.

But I miss LiveJournal so much. I'm head deep into One Direction, like paying stupid amounts of money to see them live and obsessing and just so into them and it's cool hanging out on Tumblr but it's not the same as fandom on LiveJournal, not for me.

And I get that everyone's moving on and migrating and I'm trying to keep up. I tried to do Twitter for a bit but it was too much to keep up with and there's just not enough personal interaction on Tumblr for me, I feel like I'm having an isolated fandom experience, and that is not what I want.

I read my flist every day but just like I've always been, I'm shit at commenting and when I think to do it I talk myself out of it because how odd would it be to just see my name pop up in your comments? Is it weird?

I don't know, I'm just feeling very nostalgic for LiveJournal and I get that it's never going to be the way it was, but I've been using this platform since I was eighteen years old and a freshman in college and to just give it up entirely feels so strange.

I've tried the blogging thing, and I do that to keep my family and rl friends in the loop but blogging is not the same either.

So I'm thinking of trying to get back into the whole LiveJournal thing, keeping in mind that not many people hang out over here anymore, and learning to be cool with that. LJ started for me just as a way to get my thoughts out when it felt awkward to do so, and it's always been that for me.

So, feeling like I'm a million years behind, here's what's happened since I last posted anything of substance. ( This got kind of wordy and ramblyCollapse )

I just sprinted through almost a year of my life and I know this is so disjointed and jumbled, but I wanted to get it all out so that the next time I want to write here it doesn't feel so scary.

If you're still around, thanks for being here.

Wish: Picspam - hot guys with vibrant & colorful tattoos.

( tattoos!Collapse )

Wish: A playlist of favourite country music.

I can never resist a chance to share my favorite country music.



[ download playlist ]

Wish: Friends only banner with Liam & Harry

Filling a wish for insmallpackages.

Wish: Icons with snow, starbucks, or sparkly holiday lights.

01. 02. 03. 04. 05.

06. 07. 08. 09. 10.

So many amazing pictures/moments in 1D fandom lately, I don't know what to do with myself. It's actually been hell for my NaNo. I'm supposed to be at 18,337 words today but I have 8,000 and no desire to write. Instead I've been watching the Little Things video on repeat and refreshing Tumblr.

( pictures and gifs that are ruining my lifeCollapse )

I texted my brother this morning to tell him I had voted and he wrote back with this quote from the Washington Post: "Obama is cruising in Vermont, one of the most liberal states in the country."

That's right, me and my bleeding heart are right at home in Vermont. It's no surprise, everyone knows Vermont will go to Obama. I work in New Hampshire, though, and I wish I could vote there.

A couple of weeks ago I deactivated my Facebook account and it has been the best choice I could make for my mental health. Too much election drama - half of my extended family (the half I'm not all that close to) are wealthy Romney supporters and I was tired of seeing all this crap on my feed that just sent me into rage and panic. And two of my friends from college both had babies in October and while most days I'm completely comfortable with my single, childless status, it was causing me a lot of sadness that I don't usually feel. I miss communicating with people with short status updates, it's easy to let my family and friends know what's going on in my life without sitting down to write an email, but otherwise my Facebook-less life is happier.

I'm staying away from news sites and media until late tonight so that I can focus on the things I need to get done. Of course I'm hoping for the best but it hasn't alleviated the stress.