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Monday, June 28th, 2004
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4:44 pm
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I still haven't talked to my boyfriend, and he stopped trying to call. He should be getting out of prison in 3 days or so (if he's not out already).
I'm kind of sad that I waited for him for 8 years and left him at the end. I don't know if I did the right thing or not.
current mood:  sad
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| Wednesday, April 21st, 2004
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9:25 pm
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I haven't talked to my boyfriend in over a month. I stopped accepting his collect calls after I got mad and hung up on him for saying something insensitive. I know eventually I'll have to talk to him and tell him it's over, but I'm not ready to deal with the drama that will ensue when I drop the bomb.
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| Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004
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7:46 pm - Confused
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I have a secret that I've been keeping from most of my friends, and some of my family. It's not your typical secret.
For 8 years now, I have been involved with a man who is in prison for armed robbery. He was my boyfriend at the time he committed the crime, and when he got arrested, I promised to wait because I was in love with him.
It's not something I feel comfortable sharing with the people I know, because every time I tell someone, it changes their perception of me.
The whole time he's been locked up, I've sent him food boxes, clothes boxes, money orders, and I've accepted his collect phone calls. His family hasn't been of any assistance. As far as I know, they have only sent him small amounts of money a few times, and they don't accept his calls very often. Anyway, it hasn't been a problem until now.
Over the years, I've become very isolated and lonely. It all started after he got locked up. When he first when to jail, he was very insecure about who I was hanging out with and where I was. He would call at different times of the day and night. If he knew I wasn't at work, and I wasn't home, he wanted to know every detail about where I was, who I was with, etc. It usually ended in an argument.
I started staying in the house so I would be there when he called. I thought that would solve the problem, but it didn't. He started calling more and more frequently. He would constantly ask me who came to the house that day, or who was there with me while we were on the phone. If I didn't accept a call, he would accuse me either not being home, or being with another guy. The phone bill skyrocketed.
Between sending him money, and paying the phone bill, I could barely afford to support myself. I decided it would probably be best if I moved back home with my family. I figured that would fix some things; 1) I could save money, 2) he wouldn't be able (or feel the need) to call so much, 3) I didn't know anyone in that area, and it was too far away for my old friends to visit, and 4) he knew I couldn't have a guy spending the night with me there. I knew I'd have to get a new job, but I was okay with that. So, I moved.
It worked out for a while. I got a new job, and his calls were restricted to two times a week. My problem was, I didn't have any friends. I talked to some of my old friends on the phone from time to time, but one by one, I fell out of touch with them. I worked with older people and kids, so making friends at work wasn't an option. To relieve some of the boredom, my parents bought me a computer. When my boyfriend heard about that, he damn near busted a gut. I got accused of everything from being in chat rooms to having cybersex (which I wasn't doing).
Somewhere during all this, my love fog lifted. I started to realize how selfish and possessive my boyfriend has been, and how much of my life I'd given up. I confronted him about his jealousy and insecurity, and he said it was only because he knows he can't physically be here with me. He said he was sure that would change once he got home. I don't believe it.
He is going to be home in 3 months, and I'm not sure if I want to be with him anymore. On the one hand, I look at all the time and money I spent waiting on him, and I think I should at least give it a shot. On the other hand, I think about how much worse it could be if I stayed with him.
I still live with my family, and he wants me to move in with him somewhere. He won't have any money. None. His family won't help with that, either, so he's going to be looking at me to support him.
He'll have a hard time ever finding a job with armed robbery on his record. Plus, he has no driver's license, and no car. He'll need new clothes because he only has a few things where he's at.
What kind of life will that be for me? I don't even think I love him anymore. Some people say my feelings will come back once we're together again, but I don't even think I want to find out if that's true.
It's hard because, at one time, I thought he was the love of my life. I still have feelings for him. I've waited all this time, and it seems foolish to throw it all away now. But it also seems foolish to be with him, since I can clearly see how much harder it will make my life. It doesn't seem worth it to stay.
My parents have said from the beginning that I should've let him go, and the few friends who know about the situation, think I should give it a try because I've waited so long.
I don't know what I should do.
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