zipper!up : thoughts.

4thehome

zipdigit — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 16:38:27 GMT

the lone wolf

zipdigit — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 00:23:21 GMT

i think a lot of people don't really get me. i like being alone. a lot. i like hanging out with people, too, but i hate feeling like it's necessary to hang out with people and call people back just because they want my attention. we're conditioned to believe that people who like staying home on a friday night or choose to enjoy their own company rather than someone else's should be treated as outcasts and social misfits.

well, fuck that.

i like being a hermit and laying around after work and watching whatever i want, doing everything to please myself rather than feeling like i have to entertain someone. sometimes it feels like hanging out with someone else, especially when we have nothing in particular to do, is kind of a burden. i go through these phases. i guess this is an introverted phase.

and peep show owns.

zipdigit — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 05:13:26 GMT

bla

zipdigit — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 22:13:18 GMT

this just made my day.

zipdigit — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 20:27:58 GMT

a few things swimming around in my head

zipdigit — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 13:41:55 GMT

i had league last night. i think i got red flagged for my stance, from what a few people told me. i was under the impression from rich that my stance needed work and my back foot had problems, but last night saad told me "you have perfect fundamentals. the last time i saw fundamentals that good was when i looked in the mirror". and i've been thinking about that all morning. saad was in the top two for college national champs two years in a row. he won the tournament at chris's eight times in a row out of the past ten weeks. enough said. i respect his game, and that made me very happy.

but i do need to work on my arm. it's kinda fucked up. i want to record myself just to see what i'm doing wrong so i can fix it.

enough pool talk. rich and i have been officially apart for about a week now. i feel better. i guarantee this is the last time we'll need to breakup. i'm 100% done and don't plan on giving in any time soon. after a lot of self-reflection and thinking i've realized how much rich doesn't accept who i am. at all. and that doesn't work for any kind of legitimate partner. i don't like how he was so pessimistic and was only able to look on the darker side of a situation, constantly feeding me negativity.

which is why i thought my stance was so fucked up.
which is why i thought i sucked at pool in general.
which is why i thought for a while that my style was shitty.
which is why i thought my voice wasn't good.
which is why i thought i had bad taste in music.
which is why i thought i was somehow a bad girlfriend.
which is why i thought i was doing something wrong by *talking* to people.
which is why i thought showering once i was dirty, instead of showering once a day, was wrong.
which is why i thought i wasn't sexually skilled.
which is why i thought my cooking was bad.
which is why i thought for so long that i just wasn't *good enough*.
which is why i thought everything i did, literally from bathing to my playing habits in world of warcraft, was wrong.
which is why we are no longer together.

this is only truly the tip of the iceberg. i don't even want to finish this list. i don't want to think about it. the fact that i put up with this garbage makes me sick. i am 100% done.

i need to finish some crappy summary for english class today, so i guess i'm gonna go do that. have a good day, folks. here's a video i made for geo, because this post is too dark.

clothes

zipdigit — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 22:52:51 GMT

aww.

zipdigit — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 16:16:48 GMT

watch big version

zipdigit — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 02:28:19 GMT

"any boy can get a girl, it takes a man to keep one."

well,

zipdigit — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 21:33:07 GMT

there are two types of people who i will never give my respect to:

one: clingy people,
the other: manipulative people.

i will never, ever respect you if you let me step all over you or cling to me like a child. the best way to gain my respect is if you are my equal. neither of us must control the other. that's where manipulative people come in. if you do any of these kinds of things, get the hell away from me.

example #1.
"I am really angry that you forgot my birthday."
Response - "It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment - but you see I didn’t want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry."

example #2.
If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree - that is IF they didn’t volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, "ok thanks" - they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they don’t really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesn’t seem like they want to do whatever - they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are.

example #3.
Crazy making - saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they’ll call it white - and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses.

example #4.
GUILT. They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly - they get what they want through emotional manipulation.

example #5.
They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers. They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off shit to undermine it.

example #6.
No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now - but only ten times worse. It’s hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves.

example #7.
Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them. When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it - it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better - fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even have needs - let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met.

example #8.
Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability. They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it is always about what everyone else has "done to them". One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the "hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me" variety.

taken from this site.

hot bitches

zipdigit — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 05:43:01 GMT

i am on a roll posting dumb entries with lists!
so i'll continue the trend.

this is my hot bitches post.

shannyn sossamon

alyssa milano

jessica alba

megan fox

scarlett johansson

hilary duff

anne hathaway

cassie

marilyn monroe

elizabeth taylor

elisha cuthbert

hayden panettiere but mostly in this picture

rita hayworth

audrey tautou

almudena fernandez

taylor swift i freakin waant her hair

joy! ;)

an accomplishment

zipdigit — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 03:46:01 GMT

i'm working out daily now.
good stuff.

fuck you

zipdigit — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 02:16:49 GMT

someone please slap some fucking sense into me.

my halloween 08

zipdigit — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 15:41:15 GMT

yesterday really sucked a lot and just completely pissed me off. what made it so shitty was that i originally had so many people asking to do stuff, and my night could have been so fun, but it turned out to be a pile of shit. i should have just stayed home and avoided all kinds of bull.

first, kt and vanessa were gonna go to nocturna, which is this industrial goth rave or something. kt and i were going to party until 1130 and then her and vanessa were going to go to nocturna together, but then they decided to just go to parties with me instead, so i was relieved. then, they decided they were just going to stay in elmhurst and party, so i had to abandon my plans and think of something else. i called fiona and ask her where her thing was. i already missed the train so i just drove there. she gave me the address and i mapquested it blah blah. i called her and asked her when i got close where to park and shit, and she told me to turn right on sheffield. what she really meant was turn left on sheffield, but she's a moron and told me to go the wrong way. i went really far south and got lost when sheffield dead-ended. i called her and this is pretty much how it went.
me: "hey.. sheffield dead-ended and i don't know where to go... can you like help me? because my phone is about to die and i don't want to get lost in the city"
her: "hold on."
so she goes to talk to a bunch of people at the party (she's there already).
her: "renee, that's wrong. sheffield doesn't dead-end anywhere. that's just... wrong."
me: "well.. it did, so i dunno, what do i do? because i have no idea where i'm going"
her: "stop. ask for directions."
me: "i can't.. i have cars behind me and there's only one lane"
she hangs up.
i call her two times and she doesn't answer. the third time she picks up.
me: "hey. fiona, i have no idea where i am."
her: "renee, you haveee to stop and ask for directions."
i ask people which way north is. they tell me. i get even more lost because fiona hung up again. i keep trying to go the way she said but keep getting more lost. eventually i have no idea where i came from or which direction i'm going. i've been looking for the place for 45 minutes at this point when i finally decide, fuck this, i'm fucking going home because this bitch doesn't even care if i show up and i'm already sick of her.

i call my brother and ask him for directions to 90, but he doesn't get how to get me onto 90 so he's leading me to one ways and telling me to turn the opposite way and stuff. eventually after further frustration my phone dies. i start panicking because i'm totally lost.

somehow, after talking to some nice black ladies i find my way to 90-W after more than 45 minutes of bullshit, and get home another 45 minutes later.
i am mad for a while.
pete calls me and asks me to get drunk with him, and i am too tired.
i fall asleep.
end

stuff i want

zipdigit — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 04:11:52 GMT

even though i've been binge shopping for entire months in a row for the past few.

forever21, 27.80

forever21, 24.50

forever21, 32.80

forever21, 19.80

forever21, 19.80

forever21, 19.80

forever21, 17.80

forever21, 19.90

forever21, 17.80

forever21, 26.50
i can't decide between black or gray.

forever21, 19.80

forever21, 16.50

more to come, i'm just too tired to stay awake any longer.

zipdigit — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 03:32:40 GMT

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

it's been a while.

zipdigit — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 21:50:37 GMT

everything is done.
it's like waving goodbye to part of myself.
it's easier to ignore it and hope time mends the hole of dread in my stomach.

zipdigit — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 12:05:51 GMT

if someone says to you:

"don't do what anyone tells you-- think for yourself!"

what are you supposed to do?
if you listen to them and decide not to do what anyone tells you to do, you're doing what they're telling you.
if you don't listen to them, then it doesn't matter anymore that you didn't listen to them.

i think about strange things when brushing my teeth.

dear self:

zipdigit — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 01:57:51 GMT

make up your fucking mind already.

copycat

zipdigit — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 17:56:20 GMT

all i see everywhere are people trying to imitate other people.
it's so stupid how everyone is so unoriginal.

when will people become creative again?
when will people start thinking for themselves?
shed your conformist skin
liberate yourself.

vacation

zipdigit — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 17:02:51 GMT

michigan was nice. relaxing. it was a great break from all the working and all the stupid shit and all the boredom.

i bought new markers and a new sketchbook yesterday at blick. the guy at the counter and i talked for like ten minutes about just things. that never happens anymore, it's rare for me to have a conversation not centered around talking about myself or the other person. maybe that sounds stupid. i don't know. i don't really care. it was a nice change. the other people working there were awesome, too.
i applied. they just hired people, but i really hope they call me.

oh yeah, i was going to post pictures of vacation.

the end.

zipdigit — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 06:32:46 GMT

goodbye, smile!
maybe i will see you later.

wavering

zipdigit — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 04:25:08 GMT

i kept telling myself i could live without him and all this garbage and i was doing pretty well.
i'd feel miserable texting him and saying we couldn't be together, that it would only lead to myself getting hurt.
life is a bunch of goddamn circles, i swear.

i'm happy. well, i was.
but i'm just waiting for the moment where everything falls apart and i'm totally alone again.
like always.
i know it'll happen eventually.
so much reliance upon another person is unhealthy.
and pathetic.

i want to crawl into a hole and hide.
i'm sad again.

i just really want to be happy, and it's the only way i know.
he's at a party he didn't tell me about. talk about hypocritical.
ugh.

i am very upset.
and very very pathetic.
it's kind of disgusting.

streaming live from my head

zipdigit — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 04:10:58 GMT

i usually turn inward on myself when i get hurt.
i've kind of discovered this about myself recently.
don't know what to do about my life. i still feel unsettled about the way i live. maybe that's how it's supposed to be. how everyone else feels. i don't know.

at work, my feet hurt. i stand at the cash register, looking outside, waiting for a foot to make its first step past the black door frame so i can artificially plaster a smile across my face and ask how they are doing today, when really i don't give two shits and would rather hibernate in my room where my feet are safe from the stupid tiled floor i have to sweep and mop every day before leaving.

it's just that i've always been horrible at playing the waiting game. when i was younger a dozen christmases ago, i remember buying my mom some crappy shirt for a handful of bills at kohl's. i made her open it early because the suspense just drove me crazy.

waiting is not my forte.

sometimes i think the smell of coffee will embed itself permanently in my hair and on my body.
i used to like the smell of coffee.

i need the warmth of another body.
i feel desperately alone.
does everyone get like this?

i don't trust anyone.

sometimes i want to just go somewhere where nobody knows me and start all over.
sometimes i want to be a hermit.
but that would just make matters worse.

sometimes i linger on one particular thought too long and i can't put into words what i'm thinking.
like death.
thinking about it for more than just one second makes me terribly afraid.

just confused, i guess.

zipdigit — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 00:57:24 GMT

i want to do all these things that are out of my reach.
i want to start over, become a better person, grow as a human being, travel, see spectacular things, and meet the kind of people who give off that aura of self-acceptance that emanates that simple inner peace.

i've only met one person like that in my entire life.

i am cemented here and until i make money, traveling is only a dream.
i'm stuck.
unhappy.

sometimes i just cry, and i don't know why.
sometimes i can't keep a smile off my face, and i don't know why.
my emotions are more volatile than anything i've ever experienced before.
i feel desperate to find that something i'm missing, but i don't know what it is.

i just want to put my heart into something and not be disappointed by the results.
whether it's art, or a relationship, or whatever..
i need some kind of fulfillment.
something in my life needs to change. i just haven't figured out quite what yet.