Ugh, mah Boob!
Okay, so almost a week ago I finished Rad Onc (YAY!) so that makes most of the journey over. But allow me this small space to actually moan a bit: UGH!! So right about the last week the boob started to, well, GLOW for lack of a better term. And the second degree burns intensified a bit so now I have blistering, weeping and VERY tender skin. I had had some skin markers put on for the very last round, and my awesome rad onc tech asked, at the end of the last session, if I wanted him to take them off. Politely said OH HELL NO because bandaid & tissupaper skin = Bad Time.
But now they have fallen off, taking small chunks of the skin so I have this fresh round of weepy wounds and my Goodness I could sleep all day, every day given the chance. Seriously, almost no stamina and I creak around the house. Damn site better than I was the first few days after treatment ended. My entire body ached and pain just shot through me if I moved. God forbid I sneeze, because then my head and neck went mad. Not a cold, not a flu - just crippling weakness/all over pain. Going to call that as the low point of all of this (after the multiple attempts to get the surgery fixed - that was focused uncomfortableness: this was pain so bad I could not lie down, sit or even stand in a comfortable position. And frankly a bit scary since I really have had an ok time with everything: NOW? YOU BREAK DOWN NOW AFTER ALL OF THAT?
Ironically, the day before was my last 'full time' appointment with my oncologist. She specifically said "you must promise me not to become a hypochondriac: this can be the point some people get a bit overwhelmed, and you have been so good and so focused for the past seven months - don't stop now." So of course less than 24 hours later I am standing in as hot a shower as my boob can bear trying desperately to stop the horrific muscle pains in my body, crying and convinced that I have come down with some horrific internal infection that will have me dead within the week. And that is so fucking unfair I just CAN NOT. Luckily, despite a really horrible few days, I did get my senses back and as I improved slowly and surely each day managed to talk myself off the cliff.
I am told by all the various providers that the rad onc burns will subside within 2 to 3 weeks. What may actually last *longer* is the fatigue. Great. It's not a wild inconvenience but it is hard to manage around - I can't really control when it will hit me by moderating diet or activity: if I am a lump and eat nothing but evil starches, I get hit. If I am a saint and go for a 45 minute (carefully paced) walk with Sebi and live of veggies and fish so fresh I bought it at the dock when the damn boats came in, I get hit. I guess deep down I am A) itching to just *really* be through the tough stuff and I won;t be until I get my energy back and B) secretly terrified that I may never get 'fully' back to speed. I know that B is an incredibly remote possibility, but hey.
On the happy front, my hair is coming back strong! All over! I shaved my legs on Saturday for the first time in months; my head has a respectible fuzz on it and I never bother with the wig *which I never cared for* unless I go to see the Big Boys at Company Headquarters. Although I have to break out the purple bob at least once more as the Docs asked where it was, LOL.
And, despite feeling gross, I put on my big girl panties and went into San Francisco Little Black Dress hunting on Sunday. The hospital my father has worked with on the Board for the past 20 years is honoring him at a black tie dinner this week. I wanted to properly scrub up. I haven't had the desire or confidence to go "proper" shopping in a very long time, but one benefit from this adventure? Been very easy to get the right perspective on a LOT of things. So I went into Nordstrom, had the personal shopper pre-prep a nice selection of dresses, and ended up with something that is really pretty and makes *me* feel pretty. And not DAMN it was at my low-end of size estimations which really added a layer of happy. One does not lose weight with chemo anymore it seems - but one does crave vaguely inappropriate food. Weigh ins were an adventure because depending on the office and the time of day, my weight could swing almost 12 pounds: I am pulling out the home scale as of tommorrow to get back on track. But my awesome dress - and it was totally in my price range, etc. etc. I seriously cannot remember the last time I did something like that - too long ago. Felt awesome :) And the best part is my wicked fab red peeptoe heels that I got for $25 bucks to go with the dress. Pro Tip - personal shoppers are an awesome treat. They cost *nothing* extra: I am saving up to get some new work clothes, because I really need them: when I have my dollars set I am going right back to Nordstrom. Like double-fudge brownie sundaes: not something one does very often, but certainly something one earns maybe once a year just as a self pick up. I almost feel silly for being terrified to go: what if nothing fits? what if the guy smirks at me with that 'why are you every bothering, fat chick?' face? What if....? - I had to talk myself into the car. But everything fit, Anthony was *awesome* and it was fun.
WELL that was a spit up! Good lord I feel I should offer a medal to anyone who read all that. The venting was delightful :)
There we are - ah, how nice to ramble for a bit
But now they have fallen off, taking small chunks of the skin so I have this fresh round of weepy wounds and my Goodness I could sleep all day, every day given the chance. Seriously, almost no stamina and I creak around the house. Damn site better than I was the first few days after treatment ended. My entire body ached and pain just shot through me if I moved. God forbid I sneeze, because then my head and neck went mad. Not a cold, not a flu - just crippling weakness/all over pain. Going to call that as the low point of all of this (after the multiple attempts to get the surgery fixed - that was focused uncomfortableness: this was pain so bad I could not lie down, sit or even stand in a comfortable position. And frankly a bit scary since I really have had an ok time with everything: NOW? YOU BREAK DOWN NOW AFTER ALL OF THAT?
Ironically, the day before was my last 'full time' appointment with my oncologist. She specifically said "you must promise me not to become a hypochondriac: this can be the point some people get a bit overwhelmed, and you have been so good and so focused for the past seven months - don't stop now." So of course less than 24 hours later I am standing in as hot a shower as my boob can bear trying desperately to stop the horrific muscle pains in my body, crying and convinced that I have come down with some horrific internal infection that will have me dead within the week. And that is so fucking unfair I just CAN NOT. Luckily, despite a really horrible few days, I did get my senses back and as I improved slowly and surely each day managed to talk myself off the cliff.
I am told by all the various providers that the rad onc burns will subside within 2 to 3 weeks. What may actually last *longer* is the fatigue. Great. It's not a wild inconvenience but it is hard to manage around - I can't really control when it will hit me by moderating diet or activity: if I am a lump and eat nothing but evil starches, I get hit. If I am a saint and go for a 45 minute (carefully paced) walk with Sebi and live of veggies and fish so fresh I bought it at the dock when the damn boats came in, I get hit. I guess deep down I am A) itching to just *really* be through the tough stuff and I won;t be until I get my energy back and B) secretly terrified that I may never get 'fully' back to speed. I know that B is an incredibly remote possibility, but hey.
On the happy front, my hair is coming back strong! All over! I shaved my legs on Saturday for the first time in months; my head has a respectible fuzz on it and I never bother with the wig *which I never cared for* unless I go to see the Big Boys at Company Headquarters. Although I have to break out the purple bob at least once more as the Docs asked where it was, LOL.
And, despite feeling gross, I put on my big girl panties and went into San Francisco Little Black Dress hunting on Sunday. The hospital my father has worked with on the Board for the past 20 years is honoring him at a black tie dinner this week. I wanted to properly scrub up. I haven't had the desire or confidence to go "proper" shopping in a very long time, but one benefit from this adventure? Been very easy to get the right perspective on a LOT of things. So I went into Nordstrom, had the personal shopper pre-prep a nice selection of dresses, and ended up with something that is really pretty and makes *me* feel pretty. And not DAMN it was at my low-end of size estimations which really added a layer of happy. One does not lose weight with chemo anymore it seems - but one does crave vaguely inappropriate food. Weigh ins were an adventure because depending on the office and the time of day, my weight could swing almost 12 pounds: I am pulling out the home scale as of tommorrow to get back on track. But my awesome dress - and it was totally in my price range, etc. etc. I seriously cannot remember the last time I did something like that - too long ago. Felt awesome :) And the best part is my wicked fab red peeptoe heels that I got for $25 bucks to go with the dress. Pro Tip - personal shoppers are an awesome treat. They cost *nothing* extra: I am saving up to get some new work clothes, because I really need them: when I have my dollars set I am going right back to Nordstrom. Like double-fudge brownie sundaes: not something one does very often, but certainly something one earns maybe once a year just as a self pick up. I almost feel silly for being terrified to go: what if nothing fits? what if the guy smirks at me with that 'why are you every bothering, fat chick?' face? What if....? - I had to talk myself into the car. But everything fit, Anthony was *awesome* and it was fun.
WELL that was a spit up! Good lord I feel I should offer a medal to anyone who read all that. The venting was delightful :)
There we are - ah, how nice to ramble for a bit