.:Faerie Glamour:.

xlightbringerx — Sat, 17 Jan 2015 15:04:00 GMT

Another dream.

They day was ending and I went to Neo, a goth nightclub I like and had planned to go to yesterday for real. It was dark, but also early (8 or 9pm). Nobody was in the parking lot, so I got a good spot right near the front door.

It was cold. I left my phone and my coat in the car, but wore the rest of my layers inside. I was in a hotel lobby/foyer. I was friendly with some of the people. Some girl who seemed nice said to me and the people I was talking to, "Hey, could you guys keep an eye on the weather? It seems like there might be a bad storm." In that event, the nightclub would be cancelled for the night.

So I was with another two girls, one was nice and gentle and the other one was assertive and a little tactless. The second one was like, "Let's go discuss this in a REAL hotel." I was taken aback by her comment. She meant a hotel that was meant to act as a hotel, with rooms to sleep in and such, and that's what she should have said. Neo was, in the dream, somehow, still a "hotel" because it had a lobby.

So next, we walked into a connected hotel and a restaurant inside it to grab a table and munch on food before dancing started at Neo. We had some graphs open like we were figuring stuff out, and we had a bunch of appetizers and snacks. We were in a corner, and the walls were made of glass. Outside was light, as if it had never been night time yet, and it was sunny. It was like late afternoon. Clouds were forming, but didn't look that menacing yet. I thought there would probably be no storm, or it wouldn't be as bad. It was getting windy too.

We were eating a pizza and the assertive girl and I started arguing about something she said again. I don't remember what it was, if I was righteously angry or just defensive, I have no idea. For some reason I just thought about the red line in Chicago...anyway, she got pissed off and left. I was sort of embarrassed but resolved to keep going on without her, even if we happened to see each other again during the night (I hoped we didn't). I looked outside and a giant storm cloud had covered the sun directly above us.

The other girl just watched in silence...

The time for the dance floor to officially open drew nearer. I went back to the Neo lobby and saw cars blocking off the best parking spots, like "No, it's too early to park in the good spots, wait goddammit." My car was the only one there. I hoped I hadn't caused an inconvenience by coming SO early that they hadn't even blocked off the lot yet.

I was with Ken. I was telling him to check the weather on his phone, because it was getting worse and the wind had picked up. The sun was still setting. Then I was like, he doesn't have the same app I use, it'll be more convenient if I just get mine from my car. I went out and it was warm! Like spring! I got my phone, went back, and was like "I might as well take off all these layers, I don't need them anymore!" I took off my two sweatshirts. I went back to the car because I forgot to take off the third one, it had a pixel cat face on it. (Ohhh...that's where that came from.) I was wearing the outfit I had on last night in real life.

I got back inside and an associate from Neo was passing out tickets. The nice girl I'd been with was getting hers. The associate (another nice woman) was explaining that you could get a meal too. "What?! Oh no, I'm all stuffed up on snacks because the other girl told me that you didn't have food at all!"

I happened to glance at the food ticket even though I didn't have my own yet. It was neon orange. There were meals ranging from $4-$8 (most of them $6) and you circled what you wanted. The cheapest was a $4 pumpkin-based meal. The only vegetarian option.

I was like oh man oh man I'm not hungry I already ate because I thought there wouldn't be food at my actual destination! Then I made a resolve. "Dammit, I'm going to get something anyway, because I want to try the food at the place I'm actually going to." I planned on getting the pumpkin meal because it was cheap AND it actually sounded good, and I didn't want meat.

I asked when the club would open. I knew it was opening soon. It was 8 or 9 pm. (Wait...what?) And there was still sunlight. Literally, I couldn't figure out which hour it was, because the various clocks were different. "Mine is correct," said the lady doing the tickets. I forget which her clock said.

I woke up before we could go inside, but I knew it was the same club I've been to in previous dreams.

Some quizzes

xlightbringerx — Wed, 26 Sep 2012 13:29:05 GMT

Your Name is Black

Your name tells people that you are serious and sophisticated. Your name makes you seem like a total mystery.

You are elegant and a bit apart from everyone else. You are much more formal than those around you.

People see you as smart and together. You also come off as a bit eccentric, and others respect that you are different from them.

You can adapt well to most situations, but you never feel like you truly fit in anywhere.

What Color Is Your Name?

Blogthings: Our Quizzes Weren't Written By Bored 12 Year Olds

Your Makeup Look Is

Dramatic Eyes with Naked Lips

You rock an edgy, modern look with feminine grace

What's Your Signature Makeup Look?

Work is Hard. Time for Blogthings!

Your Brain is 53% Female, 47% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female

You are both sensitive and savvy

Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed

But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

Blogthings: Our Quizzes Weren't Written By Bored 12 Year Olds

I posted the makeup one because that is actually my makeup style.

Diet

xlightbringerx — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 17:05:08 GMT

Ok, for today's morning pages, I'm going to talk about my diet instead of doing a prompt.

I've been doing the primal/paleo thing for...hm, I don't remember, some time in 2011. In November, I think. So that's been about 8-9 months. What we have done is basically eliminate all grains from our diet, with a few slips here and there. In the beginning, we also stopped having reservations about eating fatty meats, but I quickly got sick of that. We also use coconut products more.

Nowadays, we eat mostly veggies, meat, and nuts/seeds. I alternate between frying food in coconut oil, refined olive oil, or nothing at all. We mostly eat chicken, but lately I've been getting more beef, and I try to get the grass-fed kind. We eat tons of eggs, which are supposed to have the good type of cholesterol, I think.

tl;dr my diet is mostly protein, fat, and veggies, and this is too awesome, there is no way I'm going back to my old diet because I never get sick and famished on this one.

But I think I need to make it MORE primal. Here is my proposed pyramid thing.

**********Sugar&Grains**********
********Fruits*Fats&Oils**********
******Protein (Meat&Dairy)**********
****Veggies Veggies Veggies**********

My restrictions are:
no fast food
no fried foods of any kind, cavemen did not deep-fry their food in vats of oil. no more delicious french fries.
every meal includes a base of veggies (or protein or fruits for breakfast)
lean meats, no fatty meat anymore
minimal dairy
no processed meat
minimal bacon, sausage, ground beef, hot dogs
drink plenty of water

Also, I think with the primal diet, you're supposed to exercise a lot. That's what the extra fats are for, to give you energy while you're lifting 200lbs every day. Cavemen did not sit around at computers and desks all day, they were building houses and hunting for the week's meat supply. So even though I exercise a little bit by playing games/dancing most days or doing that strength training workout every week, I should either exercise more or eat less fat, I guess.

I need to like...wake up way earlier than I do, like 6am, so I have enough time to do all this crap every day. I've got enough things to take care of without also exercising multiple times a day...

Now, about having a restrictive diet in general...once I have a reason to eat a certain way, it's pretty easy for me to avoid certain foods. Some people seem to have a lot of trouble going on a diet, and it is hard the first week or two, but then you get used to what you can and can't eat. With me, what I can't eat makes me feel funny, so I have little desire to eat it.

Sometimes I hear that the most popular excuse for not changing bad eating habits is "It's too hard to eat healthy," and it's...really not that hard.

Morning pages

xlightbringerx — Thu, 12 Jul 2012 14:46:12 GMT

Well, LJ got rid of its Writers' Block feature in the same week that I actually started answering them...

So here's another blog that I found, and I'm gonna do one of the prompts from there:http://www.dailyblogprompts.com/ It looks as sad as my loliprompts blog, though. At least I would keep posting every week.

Make a list of the things you are obsessed with at the moment. (Food, movies, beauty products, books, websites, shoes...)

What a fun topic :D For starters, Dragon Age 2 and Fenris. I really did not even have to mention these things. You guys already know.

I was really into Industrial music for a time, but realindustrialradio.com is still down, and I've gotten a little tired of my mix on Grooveshark. Occasionally I'll join Mad Joker's room on turntable.fm, but it's kind of a social site, so I avoid it if I don't feel like being around people (even in cyberspace). Maybe I should start listening to isnradio.com (Industrial Strength Nightmares).

I can't really say I have any other things that I'm "obsessed" with, or very passionate about. I've been getting back into anime, but not in a weeaboo way...I've kind of had to force myself, actually, since I always want to spend time "working" (or making up plans in my head, or procrastinating on the internets).

The only other thing would be my art and turning it into a business, but that's kind of an obsession out of necessity.

I really thought I'd have more! Oh well. I'll briefly tell you about my strange dream from last night. It was about hikari_ko's wedding (which happened recently irl). We were staying in this very rustic hotel room, and the guys were all busy getting ready. Then we were at the wedding and I was the matron of honor, but I had a tux on? It was weird. But I remembered the actual speech order, which was my husband (the best man) first, and the bride's attendant last. My speech sucked and hers was more detailed because she knew both of them better, so I thought she made a better maid/matron of honor.

Then I was playing this strange puzzle video game with Ken. I think it was based off his Endless Space game that he's been playing (http://store.steampowered.com/app/208140/), because it was turn-based. Besides that, it was so bizarre I can't describe it. I had an epiphany at the end of the dream that I needed to dance to a song in the game in order to break the puzzle, and now I have an actual song from Dance Central 2 stuck in my head.

Writer's Block: Nightly Rituals

xlightbringerx — Tue, 10 Jul 2012 15:20:04 GMT

I think I should go back to having my laptop beside my bed so that I can just get up and start writing first thing in the morning. I always have a lot of brain activity that I'd like to release by doing something other than just lying there daydreaming.

I guess I could just write about my dreams...?

But I'm going to do this writers' block stuff for a little while.

I'm not very good at following my bedtime routine...or any routine, really. Which is odd, considering the possibility that I have Asperger's or inattentive ADHD (or both). I'm very good at following routines given to me by other people! :D?

Maybe because I want to impress them...? And the routines I do for myself are only for myself, nobody else cares. Hmm. That reminds me of something I read somewhat recently (and probably talked about here). Oh, I remember! It was something on Steve Pavlina's blog. Something about humans being social creatures who are motivated more by social rewards than personal rewards that nobody outside ourselves cares about.

Anyway, here's my IDEAL bedtime routine, or my general nightly routine. Usually, night times are gaming times, and I recently picked up where I left off in Okami after finally getting bored of Dragon Age 2. I'll be honest, I think the only reason I'm bored is because of the type of Hawke I chose to play; if I were to restart Evangeline, I'm sure I'd be lost in that world again. However, I'm taking any chance I get to sneak away from DA2 for awhile and finish up the other games I never finished.

I should introduce you guys to my new Hawke...NO NO NOT NOW. MAKE IT STOP. Pretend I never said anything.

Ideally, I want to be in bed by 11-ish, or at least before midnight. The consequence of not doing this is waking up late the next morning! The consequence of that being I lose precious hours of my daytime, and I'm already so easily distracted and take so long to be productive (and recently have been an absentminded space-case, as I have ranted about several times) so I really want to utilize as many of my daylight hours as possible. If I don't, I end up feeling very displeased with myself.

I randomly got the idea of doing everything as though it were a ritual...oh my god I had a dream about witches, I have to tell you later. I just remembered.

WHY AM I TAKING SO LONG TO WRITE THIS. It must be all that excess morning brain activity.

On good nights, I'll remember to force myself to stop at a certain time, and on bad nights I'll keep playing and lose track of time until I'm sleepy, and it's 1 or 2 am. Lately, I've been hitting somewhere in-between, happening to notice the time around midnight and going OH AFDJKAF;JK I NEED TO BE IN BED OR I'LL SUCK TOMORROW.

Then I will brush my teeth, sometimes do things like floss or wash my face, and throw on PJ's before jumping into bed if I'm not already wearing them. I've gotten into the habit of putting them on before game time to make it easier for myself to stop and go to bed. It does kind of work, which is cool.

That's pretty much it.

Writer's Block: I Think I'd Be A....

xlightbringerx — Mon, 09 Jul 2012 18:03:57 GMT

FINALLY FOUND THIS.

Did you know there are 0 answers to all of the prompts abruptly starting at June 19th? Apparently that's when LJ moved the prompts to the middle of MOTHER%!$#^#% NOWHERE. I can't believe there wasn't even a news announcement or anything.

Anyway, if I had a daemon, my first impression is that it would be a human. Is that possible? You can have human familiars, but I guess a daemon isn't quite the same.

My second guess is that it would be a bird of some kind. Oh...daemons can change shape too, so maybe sometimes it would be a cat. I don't remember how this works. Funnily enough, the next game I plan to play after I finish Okami will be The Golden Compass, so maybe I'll get a refresher.

I'd be very tempted to call it Ser Pounce-a-Lot if it were a cat.

It'd be more likely to have some fancy name, though. Lyra's was called Pantalaimon or something. Maybe mine would have a Latin-based name. Don't freak out now, but I've always thought Lucifer was quite pretty. Hah, it would be fairly appropriate to the story's theme, too.

EDIT: Ok, apparently the answer counter is just broken as of that date. I was giving LJ the benefit of the doubt and hoping that wasn't the case.

Today

xlightbringerx — Wed, 30 May 2012 16:50:42 GMT

I'm really afraid to ask this, but is "magical school" a genre now? Did it start with Harry Potter?

*sigh* When I was 16, I made a story about a magical school, and when I found out that Harry Potter existed, I was SO PISSED. I'm older now, so I can see how different they are and it's not that big of a deal...unless everyone starts complaining that a "magical school" genre is overdone and too Harry-Potter-ish.

I also used to get jealous because everyone would talk about how she had research files for each character and how amazing that was, and I was like, hello? That is so commonplace for me. lol I was so emotional about my art and stories. Maybe I still am, and it's why I can never bring myself to do them... (I'm lying. I've been getting back into the groove slowly. It's still hard sometimes, though.)

This is my most epic story, so I hope it's not just brushed off as a cliche piece of shit after I put the most work into it.

It has a lot of Neopagan elements in it too, it's very strange. This was before I knew Neopaganism existed, before I knew people still actually practiced magic, before I knew that Wicca was a religion and not a term that meant "ancient witchcraft".

Come to think of it...a lot of my stories as a teen included hints and elements of things that I did not yet realize existed. It's kind of fun. The one I'm currently working on meshed really well with Visual kei and Gothic Lolita elements, so I decided to amp them up and just add those specific cultures.

Well, this week, I seem to be doing ok as far as productivity goes. Ok as in average, as in C. I'm cutting myself some slack for having swollen toes for longer than I expected. I need to go grocery shopping, but hell if that's happening today. I'll have to be creative tomorrow in regards to meals.

I'm gonna work on my exciting new website now...

Lolita stuff again

xlightbringerx — Fri, 11 May 2012 19:31:50 GMT

I'm pretty sure that after my Year of No Lolita is up, I'm probably going to dress up again and start going to meetups more often.

I have to say, distancing myself from Lolita has been a pretty cool experience. I'm glad I still like it after all.

Things will never be the same, though. I relate best to early 2000's Lolitas and the original local community members, as well as the comm members I'm still friends with (or was friends with before they liked Lolita, in at least one case). I'm still fond of the connection between Gothic Lolita and oldschool VK, because I'm an old fart.

Anyway, why am I rambling? So, going back to the original topic, I'm probably going to start wearing Lolita again eventually. Except I want to start wearing Aristocrat to Goth meetups, and I think I might pick up actual Lolita for Lolita meetups. (Honestly, I will probably do both at Lolita meets.)

The Lolita style I am mostly likely to do is Gothic, but I actually own a Classical JSK, so...I might wear that style too. I want to do a classy, elegant style like tian_shi wears. IDEALLY I'd also like to wear some semblance of Country Lolita/Natural-kei at home, but LULZ at that idea until I become rich and/or magically decide I love sewing.

Some pictoral references for friends unfamiliar with Lolita:

Gothic (I would probably actually wear this.)

Classic(al)*

Country/Classic/Natural-ish (things I'd wear around the house)
DO WANT RIGHT NOW. THERE IS A BLACK ONE OMGOMG

Not quite what I'd choose, but in general this comfy, antique style.

*Taken from the infamous Milanoo site, no idea who actually designed this dress. It looks like they're trying to design their own clothing now...seriously, in all these years they haven't gotten better at sewing? I guess you have to give them some credit for attempting to give an honest portrayal.

ANYWAY, by now I have spent most of my day simply making this entry, but the point was that I somehow spent my morning looking at WIGS I would consider buying if I started wearing actual Lolita. I like to get my hair cut in a really boyish style, and it wouldn't really look good with Lolita, so I'd have to get at least one wig.

Here are a few that I liked. I'm really sorry, but the website doesn't allow me to save photos to my hard drive.

Classic burgundy curls
This one is sooo pretty! The reviews are great too. I'm sure this would/will be my first wig.

"Rhapsody" fluffy long wig
I love this tousled, fuzzy look, like she just walked out of a fairytale forest *_*

I'm not sure which color I'd get, though. There's a Platinum, and I'd really like that, but I'm worried that such pale hair would look bad on me. I don't think my face is very feminine, and neither is the girl's who is modeling the Platinum wig. I'd either want that one, this Auburn one I have linked, or the Brown one. Or maybe Black...? For a witchy look?

Long silver curly wig

Silver pigtails

Both for a more striking goth/cyber look. Also, the pose of the girl in the pigtails is really cool...thinking of drawing Spyrill like that for practice...

I probably ought to research a nice straight wig as well, but most of those have straight bangs, which look awful on my square-shaped face.

WELL I'm going to go eat and actually be productive now

Vocaloids I like

xlightbringerx — Tue, 20 Mar 2012 01:16:19 GMT

Gumi

IA (maybe)

Meiko (She's a little choppy, though.)

Kamui Gakupo (You will never guess who provided his voice.)

Lily (maybe)

Utatane Piko (She sounded moe in the first song I tried, and now...what? Can they all do this?!)

Yuzuki Yukari

Tone Rion (I don't know why I like her. Maybe I'll change my mind later.)

List of others I listened to (in case I missed any)
Kaito
Leon
Lola
Miriam
Hatsune Miku
Kagamine Rin/Len
Megurine Luka
SF-A2 miki
Sweet Ann
Oliver
CUL
Ring Suzune
Aoki Lapis
SeeU*

*I didn't listen to her, but I read that she was Korean, so I wouldn't be able to use her.

Blast from the Past

xlightbringerx — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 03:53:18 GMT

You ever have those songs that you totally love, but you never bothered to look up that artist's other stuff?

OH GOD a classic from my teen years. It reminds me of the high school trip to Disneyworld. We took a bus from Chicago to Orlando, and my best friend and I just listened to the same music over and over again.

EDIT: His vocals just reminded me of the chorus vocals in this song:

The chorus is so mesmerizing. Also, he sounds pretty much how I imagine Daisuke would sing...Dai's voice is just tad more dry/raspy, maybe.

Stories...

xlightbringerx — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 02:17:23 GMT

Someday I should make character profiles and plot summaries for all of my favorite original stories. I'd have to make it private, though, somehow. Otherwise I'm worried that unscrupulous people would try to capitalize on parts of my ideas.

(Realistically, that's probably not a concern until I become well-known enough that people want to take from me because they know it will sell...and I'm sure that won't happen for many years to come ;___; )

Anyway, my favorite story is about a school of magic. I created it right before Harry Potter was released in the US, or before it became popular, I wouldn't really know. I remember when my sister started reading it and told me what it was about, and I was like IT'S ABOUT WHAT? A SCHOOL OF MAGIC?!?!? FFFFFFFFFFFF

I even have a character who can be compared to Snape who teaches the spellmaking class. He's sort of a comic relief, though, because terrible things keep happening to him and he breaks under the pressure. Snape meets Mr. Cat from Princess Tutu? LOL

Now that HP is so huge, I'm so afraid that everyone will think I'm ripping it off when I finally publish my story. (They probably won't, because it's not that much of a breakthrough idea, but the paranoia is still there.) I've tried to distance myself from the HP franchise in general because I occasionally take inspiration from things I've seen in the media without realizing it, and I don't want there to be ANY MORE similarities.

One of the other big parts about this story is that the major characters have these special soulbond-ish pets called Anima. It's very close to the concept of daemons in the His Dark Materials trilogy. I didn't intentionally steal this idea, but I think I did read The Golden Compass before I created my story, so I think it probably did influence me without realizing it. (Hence the reason why I've been trying to distance myself from Harry Potter.)

Another strange but fun coincidence is how many head-nods I made to Neo-paganism and Wicca WITHOUT even knowing anything about those religions. I did know that Wicca existed and that it had something to do with ancient witchcraft (lul), so I incorporated a pentagram into the school crest, but besides that I just infused the rest of it with my own beliefs on magic and nature. I guess this isn't really that surprising considering I ended up becoming Pagan because it was so similar to what I already believed.

That might be the one thing I change and amp up a little bit--the relation my story has to Neo-pagan concepts.

Well, I'm done rambling about that now.

Beginning of the year meme (taken from hellowonderland :D)

xlightbringerx — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 15:43:17 GMT

1: What was the first thing you did in 2012? Give my husband a kiss and finish watching videos on CollegeHumor.

2: Do you think we will really all die this year? I don't think we will ALL die. But I hope something dramatic happens because this world sucks balls.

3: What was the best thing that happened to you in 2011? WE MOVED!!!! :D!!!

4: What was the worst? Acen...ugh

5: How many people did you kiss in 2011? If this is about romantic kissing, just my husband.

6: What do you want to happen this year? To finally quit working normal jobs and become an artist x_x

7: What are your 2012 goals? Become an artist, visit Tokyo, mayyyybe have a kid.

8: Tell us something that we might find surprising about your 2011. Absolutely nothing!

9: What do you want to happen this year that didn't happen last year? I didn't exercise enough or do enough physical activity, so I want to do that now.

10: Have you made any new friends yet this year? YES! tanyad and a few other Dragon Age fans, hiii :D

11: Is there any body modifications planned for this year? (i.e. piercings, tattoos, hair dye, etc) Henna sucks, I may go back to my favorite red hair dye.

12: What was the first thing you bought in 2012? A bottle of Yoohoo.

13: What did you hate about 2011? Learning the fact that I can't work as many hours as normal people without going insane.

14: What was the most interesting thing to happen this year so far? I put the computer desk together and rearranged the items on the shelves in my art room. It's amazing what a difference all this makes! It looks like a real art room now, and it's still a mess!

15: Tell us a secret about 2011. This isn't a secret; I don't think I have any, because I post about everything that happens. I did happen to notice that a year ago, during 2011, I wanted to move my focus from gothloli toward art, and I think I managed to do that a little bit. Wow @ how long I wanted to give up Lolita but couldn't make myself do it.

Recap of recap?

xlightbringerx — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 18:21:25 GMT

According to my previous entry, I have been living with my parents for over 20 years and away from them for 4-5 years. Wow. According to the adult world, I'm still a ~~toddler~~ very small and obnoxious child. That explains so much. Bring it on, 2012.

LMFAO @ MOOD ICON.

Most memorable things of each year

xlightbringerx — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 08:27:12 GMT

Here I go on yet another whim. Remind me to do my annual tarot reading after this.

1984 - I was born!

1985 - May have been the year I tried climbing up an exercise bike and fell off when my parents saw me and FREAKED OUT. Still have the scar on my right eyebrow.

1986 - The California Raisins.

1987 - My sister was born, although I don't actually remember this.

1988 - Nightmares ;_; Also, I wanted to become an artist when I grew up.

1989 - My brother was born. I was upset that my mom didn't name him Victor.

1990 - My kindergarten teachers Mrs. Lilja and Miss Bellafiore.

1991 - I got my first diary and I was SO FRIGGIN EXCITED. Have not stopped since then (CLEARLY).

1992 - My Aunt Diane's first wedding.

1993 - Was this the year I decided I sucked at drawing and I should never ever try to become an artist? If only I'd told an adult that, maybe they could have talked me out of it.

1994 - Adam. He was a boy from the special ed class who I made friends with (I think he had Down's Syndrome). I remember he was a huge Sonic nerd...yes they apparently existed back then too. Anyway, he fell madly in love with me and started kissing me and asking me to kiss him, and I was a clueless moron and didn't know what to do. Thank god the teachers found out and intervened by forcing me to stand up for myself--even though I was so fucking clueless, I didn't realize that's what they were doing at the time.

Fourth grade in general was quite a trip.

1995 - This diary entry. It is a riot.

I can't believe this!

We were having another Jelly Bean Party. I wanted to have a slumber party to show off Teresa. It won. Then THE DAY OF THE PARTY (the chorus concert, too) MOMMY MADE ME STAY HOME. GEEZ.

(Oh great. Now I just found out I'm missing 29 pages from this ~~dumb~~ book.)

(Oh, phewf, what a relief I just found them!)

See also: 1991.

Seriously, though...I think the most memorable part about 1995 was the fact that my family moved to another town just as my first crush and I started becoming friends ;~;

1996 - I fell head over heels for this boy named Dan because he asked me out, and somehow fell out just as hard. I started writing songs because that's what my favorite character in Ghostwriter did.

1997 - Met kazerin, who would become my best friend and drawing buddy for most of HS.

1998 - Hanson!!!

I also seemed to be trying desperately hard to come up with a plan to become a famous rockstar, according to my diary. And failing. That doesn't sound familiar at ALL.

1999 - I created my first group of original characters and began writing stories for them.

2000 - I started writing fanfiction, and Spyrill was born.

2001 - Fell in love with a girl. (That's from a song, right?)

2002 - I was so immersed in my own little world of dreams and in beautiful hobbies. Decided I was destined to be an artist and make comics. I think this was my prime as a creator. NEED THAT BACK KTHNX.

2003 - I completed one issue of a comic. I graduated from high school and all but flipped the bird as I walked out.

2004 - I dove head-first into Lareine, Gothic Lolita, and my art classes. Wolf. Yuki. Ariel and the Lolita gang. Definitely my most productive and traumatic year.

2005 - Dated a guy named Taylor and actually had a decent relationship with him. Decided guys were not all THAT bad.

2006 - Met sylithrandir (Ken) at a Lolita meetup. I had hit my Lolita prime and was a proud member of egl. Had been a member for awhile by that point, and knew Everything.

2007 - School. I was going to Columbia then, so no more art classes. Moved out of my parents' house. Moved in with Ken. According to an old entry, this caused me to rediscover myself. That wasn't my first impression of this memory, but I can believe that.

2008 - Graduated from college after completing the most excruciating and pressured period of work in my life. Remembered that I was supposed to become an artist. Was this the year I got engaged? Damn...

2009 - Lived in ~~a dull haze between life and death~~ Ken's mom's house.

2010 - Married sylithrandir in a beautiful faerie wedding~ Even though I've complained that it was too big, I'm glad I invited a few friends--which I originally wasn't going to do. Having people there who knew me well and who could appreciate the aesthetic makes the memory that much more special, because I'm not really close with my family.

2011 - FENRIS. Deleted my Gothloli blog and gave up Lolita as an identity. Did I mention I discovered Dragon Age 2 and Fenris? Spent half the year playing that.

That is all.

This makes my life look so short and insignificant. You should all try it.

Oh, and DUH. Happy New Year! 明けましておめでとう！！

Holiday

xlightbringerx — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 05:13:22 GMT

I'm gonna take a vacation from the computer this weekend because my back has been killing me, and I think it's from sitting here too long in funny positions. I'll only come on LJ to check out my lists. Everybody enjoy a break and have a safe weekend!

Writer's Block: B.Y.O.B. Holidays

xlightbringerx — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 18:28:08 GMT

Well! One of the things on my wishlist is an Amazon gift card *__*

I also want a gift card for Dick Blick, which for me is akin to a candy store... And I also want the next volume of the new Sailor Moon manga~

And I friggin want Dance Central 2 and a Kinect but I know nobody would buy it for me so I didn't put it on my list T____________T

I even wanted the first Dance Central...why do the brothers in my life always get the stuff I want most (besides Japanese dresses because that would be creepy).

Number one thing on my birthday wishlist is a day off from work and an art day. BUT IT LOOKS LIKE I WON'T BE GETTING THAT EITHER.

I don't really like Christmas/Yule being all about what you're getting for presents, though. I want it to be more about the...feeling. Putting lights in the windows and decorating the doorways with garland. Listening to holiday music. Counting down the days until the whole world seems to stop and celebrate on the same day. (Obviously it's not the "world" I am exaggerating people.)

And of course I have my spiritual reasons for celebrating Yule but it's kind of on a different day, and nobody in my family celebrates that with me. Except maybe my husband.

Stay-at-home Dad

xlightbringerx — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 05:05:37 GMT

I'm not really sure where to post this, so I'll start off at my LJ since it's kind of my default home-base...lulz?

I just read this cool article about a guy's experience being a stay-at-home dad for his boys. I randomly happened upon it while searching for paleo-diet recipes I could make for Ken and I, and it's really funny because I was just thinking about this stuff!

I remember awhile ago, I wrote up a little post about the type of blog I want to start, and how it would be accepting of all genders (no pink is allowed in the blog design whatsoever). I was thinking about the kind of stuff I'd post for stay-at-home moms (someday, maybe someday sooner than I expected...) and then I was like, oh crap, I have to include dads too because some dudes like to do that nowadays.

His post was a bit sad because he was talking about how he is pretty much unaccepted by the stay-at-home moms in his area, and how he is still expected to fit into a gender role. I thought that might still be a problem for dads like him, but here I was thinking he'd be getting more flak from other men rather than women.

The way he described his experiences, it just sounds so blatantly sexist. Any time I hear women complaining about how oppressed they are and how badly women are portrayed/treated here or there, I can't help but think about how bad it also is for men in women-dominated communities. I've been with the Lolita crowd for several years, I've seen how super-girly women treat the one or two men who happen to occupy the same space. Double standards indeed.

(Thankfully, I think the Chicago Lolitas have gotten pretty cool about accepting guys into the community. Because everyone knows the Chicago Lolitas are awesome like that.)

My day so far

xlightbringerx — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:16:16 GMT

Internet/Web Magic

xlightbringerx — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 05:20:33 GMT

Today I stumbled upon this one site that gave some meditations for--get this--magic for your website. Like, for the internet.

Is this crazy?

Or is this FUCKING AWESOME.

I wrote a surprisingly eloquent post about it on Witchbook a few moments ago (maybe I should consider writing fiction before bed tonight), but I may have fangasmed too much about it. I really can't say right now. I'm worried I still sound like an airhead on that site because I don't know anybody well enough to speak as casually as I do here.

Anyway, the first meditation required to perform website magic is to Love Your Website (aww).

I HATE MY WEBSITE. WITH A PASSION.

This might be a problem.

It's probably not really all that bad. However, it does need a HUGE overhaul. Everything about my current site reflects all the dirty parts of my old identity, particularly relating to gothloli and everything I ever associated with it. This is probably mostly why I hate it.

Given this, I'm not sure why I haven't changed anything about it yet. I think I was secretly hoping that it would disappear on its own. I wasn't really aware of how it might be affecting me artistically, and hence, spiritually, until I read this set of articles. Considering I'd like it to act as my personal hub every time I log on to do something creative, it probably deserves some hasty attention.

I still cringe at the thought of going there, though. Maybe tomorrow.

Writer's Block: Tea for two

xlightbringerx — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 15:25:56 GMT

Seriously? Come on guys. Come on. Guess. I dare you.

And you know what? We would actually have tea. I would make it happen. In fact, I'd take him to The Drake, where you can have wine WITH your tea for a penny. Then we'd get wine for our wine so we could whine while we wined. ZING

WHOA Back up

xlightbringerx — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 18:32:21 GMT

My eyes have just been opened up to the notion that all this time, Lolita drama may have actually been GOOD for me by making me stronger.

I just read through this bout of MASSIVE Dragon Age fandom drama on tumblr, and was kind of like

I mean...really? Dragon Age? A game? At least Lolita has the excuse of being a personal identity/lifestyle to some people.

The gist I got from it is that there used to be this blog where someone was roleplaying one of the NPC's from Dragon Age. It had prompts and seemed to be pretty popular. Then the fighting started, and it went from people looking for reasons to be offended, to people jumping on the bandwagon, to outright trolls giving her shit for fun. And I think the reason it escalated SO BADLY is because this person took ALL of their responses seriously, and was so open about how upset it all made her.

I just feel SO BAD for this person. To me, it was so obvious that that last page or so of responses should have been ignored. Instead, she kept responding back until they drove her away. THAT'S WHAT THE TROLLS WANTED. THEY WIN. I mean, they're just fucking trolls with no lives and it took them like 5 minutes each to write anything, and they were probably lolling the whole time. In Lolita, you have people publicly making fun of others' appearance, scammers stealing hundreds of dollars from eager new Lolitas, internet debates with scathing, acidic words in which people try to validate their identities...to me it just seems so much worse, I guess because these things affect people's offline lives and reflect a person's entire personality, not just one of their interests.

I have heard at least one story of a group of Lolitas who ganged up on another Lolita they didn't like by doing background checks into her personal life, finding out where she worked, and calling her employer to dish out their findings. That is some CRAZY SHIT folks, and only one of many stories I've heard that could have or DID get police involved. I'm not even including the stories of scathing remarks and ACTS OF PHYSICAL VIOLENCE geared toward Lolitas from outsiders.

Yes, there are also people on the internet who argue about petty things, and take things the wrong way, but compared to that other shit? Lolita has taught me to pick my battles wisely. A person can only put up with so much shit.

On top of this, some people in the Dragon Age community have been discussing how this makes a statement about society, and I'm like...no, it makes a statement about the stupidity and insecurity of a few human beings. There was something about mysogyny in there? What??

Sorry, I just don't see how anything relating to DA fandom can translate to something so important. Who cares about Dragon Age infighting? Even Lolita isn't that important in the grand scheme of life. Why don't you join groups and protests that seek to solve the problems you claim society has, instead of arguing about it with Dragon Age fans on tumblr?

I mean O_O you guys. Don't have a hernia over this. <--Basically my reaction anytime I see DA drama on tumblr, period, and I am blaming all that time I spent putting up with Lolita drama.

Writer's Block: Red-faced and ruddy

xlightbringerx — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 16:06:12 GMT

That horrible Lolita meetup I helped organize last year -_-;;; NEVER AGAIN ACEN MEETUPS. All that planning and effort/stress shot to hell and no one even noticed.

I can't believe the people in the hotel told them to go to the convention center to set up shop. I took them OUT of the convention center because it is explicitly stated in the artist alley/vendor rules that no one is allowed to sell without an artist or vendor badge, and the artist alley/vendor hall is RIGHT THERE in the con center. So much for keeping the sales on the down-low.

Whatever, Acen is special, anime convention Lolita is special and quite unlike the Lolita I am familiar with.

This prompt reminds me of a dream I had last night; it's very strange I should have that dream and then see this prompt for which there is only one answer (I am rarely ever embarrassed about anything, so this event kind of sticks out in my mind). Some of the rude Lolitas from Acen were in my dream, and I've never dreamt about them before. See how weird all this is?

There was a part where I was looking at some website that was created solely for posting other people's photos and laughing at them. To make fun of them, people would write on the pictures using a tablet/stylus. My heart sank at the knowledge of this site's existence. I know there really are sites like this irl, but this one in my dream was completely open to the public and very popular. I was like, "How can you people do this to others?"

I can't really describe the sadness and hopelessness for humanity that my dream-self felt. I remember thinking, "This is why I left; because I won't be associated with this behavior."

Most of the pictures on this site were of Lolita, but there were other ones too. Upon closer inspection, I found out there was a picture of ME there, only it was actually a picture of one of my chats with Ken's friend about Starcraft II. "Why is he making fun of my typo? Because I'm a Starcraft n00b? I thought he was more mature than that..." In the background was my room from when I was in my early 20's and heavily into Gothic Aristocrat, and also my most hated print that seems to sell the best at conventions.

Because I don't identify with that scene anymore and can view it from the outside now, lately I've been afraid I was in on the horror all along. Have I been too cliquish? Have I been perceived as rude and self-centered when I thought I was warm and open? Weren't my friends guilty of some of the things I accuse newer Lolitas of? I did used to be in on the LOLITA HAZ RULEZ bit, but I've never thought of myself as being THAT horrid...

What's even worse is that now, it seems like several of the local drama-mongers ripping up the community have feelings and issues similar to mine. I only buried mine because...I don't know why. Either maturity, or fear of exposing my emotions in front of everyone. Which are opposites, I know...but anyway, that makes me feel even more horrible, to know that I have the capability of fucking up my favorite culture even more, rather than contributing to it.

But that is, after all, why I left—I got sick of the drama and decided I would not let it brew any more negativity in me. By distancing myself from Lolita as an identity, I can now appreciate the more positive aspects a lot better. It has also allowed me to realize that there are much more important issues and pressing matters in the world than whether or not somebody on the internet or at an anime convention is fucking up Lolita.

Here's to hoping this is the final time I ever bring this up again. *holds up a bottle of Agreggio*

Nano buddies

xlightbringerx — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 04:20:29 GMT

Okay! The writing buddies thing is working now. Since I'm so eager and impatient about this, would those of you so inclined to share mind givin' me your usernames?

I only have three people from here so far: http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/participants/kuroloki/buddies

WHY CAN'T I APPROACH THE IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE WITH SUCH PASSION AND EAGERNESS D:

nanowrimo 2011

xlightbringerx — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 23:05:29 GMT

Well...it looks like they're re-doing something this year and they have a new writing buddies feature that isn't up yet, but I was still curious which of you guys are going to do nano this year? I'm totally in. I missed last year because of wedding madness, haha.

I don't know what I'll write about yet. I'm going to make something up as I go. I'm really excited!

Speaking of writing/books, I finished listening to Warbreaker yesterday (by Brandon Sanderson) and it was OMGz so good. Vasher is such a BAMF. Siri was really cute too.

I tend to go for the badass/jerk and the cutie in everything, don't I? Even in DA2 my favorites are Fenris and Merrill.

EDIT: omg I figured out how to look at my FRIGGIN PROFILE

http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/participants/kuroloki

Blogging

xlightbringerx — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 17:42:05 GMT

I need to start a new blog. Ever since I gave Gothloli Grimoire the magical fisting thing*, I've been itching to write more than just the musings and rants in my LJ, and more than just my daily activities in my diary. Speaking of which, did I forget to write in that this past Sunday? Crap.

I'm considering starting a new blog, but so far I have too many jumbled ideas to really make one blog out of it. I wanted it to be a generally helpful and informative blog about homemaking, lifestyle, and personal development for women, with an alternative/Dark bent. On the other hand, I also want it to be applicable to all genders because I don't want to pander to the notion that only women can be homemakers. I think there are too many topics I'd like to cover, and I don't even have the expertise to really talk on any of them yet, so I need to wait until I hone in on just a few things.

I was also considering starting a lyrics blog. Originally I just wanted to use it as a side project for my lyric translations, but I came up with this amazing idea while I was in the shower. I have a lot of thoughts about Lady Gaga's song "Hair" that I'd really like to get out, and when I made myself think about it, I realized there are other songs I'd like to suggest interpretations for. So then I thought, instead of just translating songs, why don't I write up interpretations of them as well?

In other words, it would be an English-language blog full of interpretations of various songs, with translations included for non-English songs. A translation in itself is just a form of interpretation anyway--if you try to translate things literally, you get a garbled mess, or a phrase with no feeling.

I'm sure I'll come up with something eventually.

And I want to try making money off of it. The first one, most likely. I don't think it would be wise to monetize the lyrics blog.

I've always had a hunch that writing was more important to me than I let on...words flow through me much more naturally than drawings, probably because I'm so focused on becoming an artist that I have no emotional issues left to spend on my mere hobby of writing. So this is where it leads me, then? Pro-blogging. This growing-up thing is kind of cool sometimes.

*Another Dragon Age 2/Hadriana obscure joke...