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A Word Of Caution To My Friends-

xell — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 20:22:30 GMT

I know I've posted it elsewhere, but I had to post it here as well to spread the word.

NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER buy an ASUS-brand computer! Not unless, of course, you gleefully enjoy flushing $800-$900 down the toilet. If you enjoy such money flushing, then be my guest.

But most people I know are somewhat like me, and don't have money to throw down the crapper.

Some history:

I've had this computer for less than a year. I had to exchange it once within the first month due to motherboard and build issues (the plugs didn't line up in the back, they were bent - and it wouldn't recover from sleep mode.) Then, a few months later, I have to ship it off to California at MY expense (which is another $100+). And now, a few months later, it's died AGAIN.

I'm not pumping more money into this thing just because it's a "brand new" computer. It was born a piece of crap, and I'm going to have to let it die. And it's not an isolated incident ,as this is my second computer of the exact same type (See Also: My exchange mentioned in the previous paragraph.)

Even though ASUS allegedly has good motherboards, the motherboard is exactly what is failing this cheap piece of crap. Best Buy checked it out the last time it acted up like this, and confirmed it was the motherboard. Naturally, when I paid $100+ to ship it to them, all they did was reinstall the BIOS and slap a "fixed!" sticker on it. They may as well have used duct tape.

I really don't have the money to spend on this, so I'll have to put myself into debt with my credit card. But eh... at least I have good enough credit for that. I just wish my job's future weren't so uncertain...

But yeah - never ever ever let anyone you know buy an ASUS-brand computer. Anything else. ANYTHING ELSE. All else mentioned, their customer service skills were extremely bad over the phone, and they conveniently bar anyone else other than them from working on their computers. Once you, or anyone you know breaks the seal, the warranty is null and void. And that's just how they want it.

*sigh* And I was just gearing up to finish more artwork, too... Now I've lost everything I've written or scanned in the last 5-6 months... I really can't afford this.

Interesting Findings About Sex in America

xell — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 06:00:04 GMT

So, for those who don't know, I'm taking Human Sexuality as a part of my Psychology Major. It's taught by a brilliant professor named Dr. Jennifer Siciliani (doctorate in Experimental Psychology, Masters in Human Neuropsychology - accredited for several experimental breakthroughs in her field.)

She held a seminar today that I attended for extra credit, talking about sex in America for "Sexual Safety Week." Although I can't quote the numbers exactly, I wanted to relay what I learned to others, and keep the gist of the information here for my future reference.

First of all, ~95% of Americans have had, or still have, STI's (Sexually Transmitted Infections - renamed from STDs - which implied "dis ease" even though most STIs are astymptomatic.) More specifically, ~95% of Americans are carriers of, or have been infected with, a strain of HPV. Even virgins. There is a vaccine available, but if you're ~28 years old and ask to be tested for HPV, it's already too late. Many strains of it aren't a big deal, but there are approximately 6 strains that are always *always* found in women who are diagnosed with cervical cancer. The vaccine covers 4 of these 6 strains. Even though a lot of strains aren't a big deal, when you stack one stain onto another strain, it morphs into a stronger virus than it was before. Many strains of the virus never go away - they just have periods of dormancy. Even though it's commonly called "genital warts," many people who have the infection do not develop that particular symptom.

Scientists still aren't entirely sure how HPV spreads, but they believe that it's carried on the skin to membranous tissue.

At the turn of the 1900s, sex and sexology were legitimate studies in America. Many books were written by doctors, and the general public responded with a thirst for knowledge regarding the formerly-taboo subject. Mind you, most of the early 1900s literature on sex was wrong (claiming that masturbation could lead to mental illness and death, for example), but there was still a sexual "boom" as far as education goes.

This all stopped in the early 1980s, when the fear from the AIDS epidemic created Abstinence Only programs. These programs have been encouraged by our federal government ever since, with the government ponying up MILLIONS of dollars to states and schools who agree to teach AO. What this means is... No real teaching about STIs. No real teaching about safe sexual practices. Just telling kids "No!"

Yet, this doesn't take into account that many children stumble across porn in one form or another by the time they hit adolescence, especially with the internet. Television, magazines, and billboards sell sex to them daily, and when puberty hits, they start to notice and process these images more. So, at around that time (or even earlier), they have an innate interest in sex, but all the knowledge they are equipped with are sexual images of the media and hearsay. This leads them to believe that sex is all about beautiful women - with no "real" consequences whatsoever. The sexy model on the billboard doesn't have an STI, after all.

Meanwhile, teachers are telling kids "No!"... Which inspires most kids to run out and "see what all the fuss is about." Saying "No" without any explanation as to why primarily sparks curiosity more than anything else. Any statistic will back up that schools with AO programs do not have a difference in teen pregnancy rates and teen STIs than schools without.

How much do you think the American government is dumping in to these failed programs?

JUST shy of $300 million dollars annually! (Like ~$297 million, after you do up all the math.)

Wouldn't THAT help the recession, if, you know, that money were to go toward anything else. AO has not worked since the early 80s, and 20 years is a pretty good gauge to know if something is working or not.

But here's a surprising tidbit about what the catholic church was doing in their schools during our generation's youth... And this was backed up by students who were sitting in on the seminar (who offered the stories without initiation from the presenter)... While all of the public schools were teaching AO, they actually WERE teaching children about STIs and contraceptives. This probably doesn't apply to every catholic school, but more than one student told their account of it.

That was far better than my high school, which really didn't say much (if anything at all) about STIs. They also did the whole to-do with "1 in every 5 condoms do not work!" and claimed that abstinence was the ONLY true way to avoid pregnancy. This was, of course, in the place of teaching us how to use condoms correctly or other contraceptives.

I especially wish I would have known about HPV, so I could have gotten the vaccine as soon as it was made available. This isn't really a "better late than never" situation, since now it's too late. And if these programs are still in place when our children are in school, it may be too late for a majority of them, too. That really sucks, especially for women.

Most girls don't know that they should get yearly exams after the age of 16. Again, most STIs are asymptomatic (which means they don't have any symptoms.) Females could have so much Badness going on up there, and never even know about it. Even Syphilis's only starting warning is a "flu-like symptom, which goes away." After a while, it does start to eat away at more vital things, however, like your nervous system and your brain. Those things don't repair themselves after damaged, usually.

And just so men don't feel left out, testicular cancer is the number 1 malignant cancer in men ages 25-34. If caught early with self examination, it's very treatable. But most men don't even know how to do a proper self-examination for it, so more's the pity.

There are many other things I've been learning in this class that I sincerely wish I would have known sooner, but that would take too long to type out. It's just that... learning about these "taboo" subjects could save a person's life. And the American government is purposefully keeping teens in the dark.

Oh, and did I mention that out of all the developed countries in the WORLD, America ranks #3 in STI infections? Maybe if we spent $300 million more in AO programs, surely that would work!

Figurative "Letter to the Editor" - I had to let my opinion be known.

xell — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 15:40:24 GMT

The April Metro Ballot : What Most People Don’t Figure Out

In response to nearly any article about Metro, I always see a myriad of responses saying “NO.” People are completely sold on “teaching Metro a lesson” and “striking out” against the “mismanaged” Metro. They want Metro to go down in flames, and proudly pipe that the region would be better off without it.

As one of the approximate 600 bottom-rung Metro employees who would lose their jobs if the tax in April does not pass, I would like to point out that the CEOs and board members of Metro will not be hurt by the service cuts. Hard-working, blue collar people who just want to earn a living for their families will be hurt. When you proudly vote “NO” because of whatever reason you devise, it’s really saying, to me, “I would rather keep an extra .50 cents in my pocket when I go grocery shopping than to allow you to keep your job. Have fun in the economic recession!”

I cannot think of a response more selfish and callous. Still, I’m sure people will respond by passing the blame to Metro’s “management,” so they can absolve themselves of all guilt as we’re left unemployed come May.

Even if that doesn’t get to you, think of it this way: The tax doesn’t pass and hundreds of Metro employees are laid off (also included in the jobless category will be those who can no longer get to work due to service cuts), resulting in oodles of YOUR tax dollars paying for OUR Unemployment checks. The opposition seems to be very happy at the prospect of paying for me to sit around at home, rather than offering me the assistance needed to keep my job. And for those who don’t qualify for Unemployment, they may very well reach a level of desperation that would lead them to crime. And when YOU become the victim, the first thing you’ll think is “This is everyone’s fault but mine!”

Something else that is hardly ever considered is that Metro is more than just the Metrolink and Metro Bus. It also carries Metro Call-A-Ride, which is a service for the disabled and elderly. Some use Call-A-Ride to go to dialysis – a procedure they need in order to live. When you shout “NO,” you’re pulling the plug on their lifeline, and all because of what? That extra .50 cents? Because of something the Metrolink did over two full years ago? Again, the “smear campaign” against Metro continues to hurt people who had no say in management’s decisions with the cross-county extension.

If you think that you would never ride Metro, then surely you will be young forever and invincible to all diseases. All it takes would be a bad traffic accident, a stroke, MS, cancer, kidney failure, or any number of crippling events to make you become dependent on something other than your automobile.

One person keeps commenting that Metro bus drivers make more than teachers. Guess what? A lot of people make more than teachers. A random secretary makes more than a teacher. But the solution to that lies in our school system, not in firing or cutting the salary of everyone else. That argument doesn’t even make any sense, unless you campaign against every other job that also happens to make more than a teacher – which would be quite time-consuming.

Also, turnstiles would not be financially responsible for Metro right now. To build and maintain turnstiles at this point would cost more than what Metro would save in fares. Also, there wouldn’t be much to prevent people from just hopping over the turnstiles. If people want to evade the fares, they will find a way. A better solution would be to hire more train patrollers, but that would cost money as well – although it would put more people in the St. Louis area to work. Yet people seem greatly opposed to this…

And for those who continue to incorrectly boast the Metro employees are a bunch of “fat cats”, you should also note that Metro employees did not get raises for 2-3 years. After years with no raise, employees received a small bonus that equaled much less than what those 2-3 years worth of raises would have given them. Because of this bonus (it seemed very large, since nearly everyone in the company received a small sum), people flipped out from the audit last year and began spreading the lie that we receive such bloated benefits and paychecks – which is definitely not the case.

I’ve read nearly every news article regarding Metro, good and bad. Overall, this is what I see – Metro is trying to clean their act up by hosting workshops that are open to the public, as well as opening an online forum where the public can voice their complaints. The problem is that people are too busy clinging to the past to allow any improvement, and would much rather troll comment sections of various news articles than get out there and do anything that would actually improve Metro.

To those who have the gall to claim that I, myself, am the selfish one for asking you to pay a tax for my benefit… I pay taxes for local schools, even though I do not have children. I pay taxes for hospitals, even though I haven’t been to the doctor all year. I pay taxes for the fire department, even though I haven’t had a fire in my life. I pay taxes for the police department, even though I haven’t been the victim of crime. Some of my tax dollars even go toward MoDOT, even though they are “the competition.” I pay taxes on many things that benefit the region that I do not use or would not benefit me.

To anyone who supports Metro, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I doubt I will change any of the nay-sayers minds about the issue, but I still wanted to impart my non-political viewpoint. Also, I’m obligated to say that although I’m an employee of Metro, I do not speak for Metro. I only speak for myself, based on my own experiences. [Written and submitted from my home.]

------------------------------

I was fired up about the issue when I wrote this. Fortunately, there are a lot of people who understand the incredible and real job loss that would result in a "no" vote. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who would rather choose not to think about it and put themselves first. Such is politics. Also unfortunately, it's my job on the line.

Family Issues... It's emo, be warned.

xell — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 05:50:22 GMT

It's my rantbox and I'll cry if I want to!

That being said, this Thanksgiving was probably my most depressing one in a way. First, it starts by me waking up at 7:00 a.m. after staying up 'till like quarter to 1 a.m., by my body's whim. So, this makes me extremely tired all day... Huge bags under my eyes, the whole nine yards.

We drive out to Vandalia to see my mom. That goes about as expected, as it is only Mitch, me, my mom, and my aunt who lives with my mom. The other relatives are real snots that are too wrapped up in high school drama with the aforementioned aunt to show themselves during the holidays - even to spend a few hours with my mom, who loves them unconditionally. My mom goes out of her way to try and get in touch with them, and they avoid her like the plague, and she didn't even do anything wrong. Is it because she's disabled? Yeah, it's real sad, but don't you think she still might like to see you? Hear from you? Get to tell you that she loves you? You're her sister, and you live like five minutes away. Suck it up and stop thinking of yourself for five seconds. Being her benefactor, I'll definitely remember this when you come clambering up after she's gone to take what you can get.

So anyway, my aunt invites this lady from her work that was fired a couple of days ago to share our Thanksgiving with us. Nice lady, although she did have some things to get off her chest. Still, we welcomed her and consoled her, because that's just how we roll.

Before all of this, I called my dad to tell him that I would be in town for Thanksgiving in the late morning to early afternoon. He calls back and leaves a message saying that he doesn't have any plans until the evening, so they should be at the house allll daaaay.

I show up after I'm done with my mom's at 1:40 p.m. - still what I'd consider to be early afternoon. I also noticed that their second car wasn't there at 11:45 a.m. when we passed his place to get to my mom's. But I figured maybe Jacob had it out or maybe one of them was running an errand. So, we go up and the door is locked. We knock, and there's no one to be heard from. My own dad stood me up on Thanksgiving, without even calling or sending me any notification that he wouldn't be there. That's rude by any standards, really.

I'm so "out of sight, out of mind" when I'm not right there in front of him, it's upsetting. He didn't even invite me to his official wedding. I'm his only daughter. I know he has my stepmom and a stepson now, but would it kill him to EVER call? Or even to visit?

I'm always the one who makes the call, and who does the visits, to him. It's been a one-way street for a while. When I visit, I usually don't call in advance, because that way if he's not home, I'm not let down... Like, you know, today. On Thanksgiving.

Combine all this with him telling me to "turn around and go home" when I was running late for Christmas a few years back... Yeah. Crying all day on Christmas alone was awesome. Thanks, dad.

One time when I was in Wood River, he was like 5 minutes away attending an away football game for my stepbrother. He didn't even call to say, "Hey, I'm right over here. If you want you can stop by and say hello," or "Hey, I haven't seen you for a few months and I'm in the area - can we stop by?" Nothing. I heard about it in passing after the fact, after which I told him that he should have called me. It's just great that it never even crossed his mind...

Whenever I'm there, he seems to light up and tell me about every little thing that goes on. My stepmom seems to have a much cooler attitude toward me now for some reason, although I'd place money on it being because of our religious differences. They're convinced I'm going to Hell, so why waste time with me, I guess. Shun the non-believers and all that. We've butted heads on it a few times in the past, but that's about the only thing I can speculate, since that's the only big thing that's changed. Dad and The Fam suddenly "found Jesus", and suddenly his daughter is a lost cause that's going to Hell.

Or maybe it's because my stepmom has a weird, spiteful, selfish streak. Now that I'm gone, she feels relieved that she can have my dad all to herself? I don't know. I'm not really that demanding. I don't want money or things. Just a call or a visit would be nice, or some form of acknowledgment that I matter whatsoever.

I'm tired of being stood up and left out, and feeling hurt from it every time. I'm done trying. I've been trying to reconnect for years, but it's never going to be how it was, because it's one-way. It's like when friends grow older and grow more distant, I guess. Maybe the same thing can happen between parents and children. It sucks, but I can't keep setting myself up to be hurt like this.

My dad was cool. I patterned a lot of my behavior and interests after him, and admired him a great deal as I grew up. There was a time when the thought of his death brought me to tears, without fail. But now, even when I visit, all the closeness is gone. To think that for many years, he was the most important person in my life. Now, it's just talking to an answering machine and waiting for a visit that will never happen.

But yeah, cheese and whine. *sigh* When my mom passes, I'm probably just going to celebrate holidays with Mitch's family and/or friends. I might still stay in contact with the aunt that lives with my mom, if for no other reason than out of gratitude for her taking care of my mom for all these years. And although she was once very mean, her personality has really turned around. I'm not an ogre who can't forgive, so I consider the slate wiped clean. Part of me wonders if the reason she plays live-in nurse with my mom is because she's atoning for the type of person she once was. I dunno.

Hey, since this is a day to be thankful, I will go ahead and mention some things that I'm thankful for, to end on a positive note.

- Thanksgiving at Mitch's family was very pleasant. We played a trivia game from the 70's that was themed, "How Well Do You Know America?" I knew virtually nothing. I pretty much just said "Vietnam!" over and over, hoping to stumble on the right answer. The food was also good, but I greatly regret being so so so so tired. By the end of the day, around 7:00, I was literally falling asleep at the dinner table. I felt so bad. I assured everyone it wasn't because of the company, though.

- I had a pre-Thanksgiving late dinner with friends last night. I really liked the potato salad, and actually being awake to see people was a nice change of pace.

- I've had some good creative urges lately. Although I can only draw quick ink scribbles at work, it's nice to at least be inspired to draw things. I scanned like 10 pictures yesterday, it was crazy.

- Gaming is going well! Having lots of fun with that, and I think that's partly why I'm feeling so inspired. Good deal! Cautiously thinking about getting back on the saddle with BESM due to my players, and greatly looking forward to Amanda's new Changeling tabletop.

- Thankful for Harley, for she supplies my daily Cute Animal Fix.

- Thankful for cookies, because they're friggin' delicious.

- Thankful for Mitch. He's right up there with Harley and cookies, so that says a lot. I depend on him for a lot, and despite the fact that he can get really "emotional" sometimes, he's a good person.

- Even though I have to work all day tomorrow, Mitch is coming to take me out to lunch. &hearts We're going to try a nice little sushi bar that has lunch specials under $10. ♥

- Other than that, I have a lot of thumb-twiddling to do tomorrow due to various frustrating road blocks in my job. I'll still have some things to do, mind you, but it's a blessing that Mitch and I can take a lunch break.

- Last week off of school was very relaxing. I'll have to do some studying in the upcoming week for a test Thursday, but I'm doing well in the class so far. And if I get an A on this last exam, I don't have to take the final. *knocks on wood*

- Thankful for all of my friends! Big and small! Some of you I know I can depend on, waaay more so than any member of my family. It means a lot. I don't know where I'd be without you guys, I really don't. A lot of people helped me along the way to get to where I am - kept me off the streets, kept me in high spirits... I'd be lost without you. So thank you, I mean that.

Oh What a Night!

xell — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 18:43:52 GMT

So last night Mitch and I went to the World Aquarium and The Rooftop at the St. Louis City Museum. They actually had a lot more at the Aquarium than I expected, although the random alligator in the open tank snuck up on me, eheheh. Looking forward to going back so that I can see the rest of the museum! In the meantime, here are some pictures... under a cut due to their size, of course. Just as a general disclaimer, most of the rooftop pictures aren't awesome because they were taken at night... But being there was awesome.

In front of the Aquarium!

Turtle pond! They were pettable, too!

Me by the stingray tank. They were also pettable, much to my delight!

Sleepy croc...

Best seat in the house... on the back of a giant turtle.

Sooo cute!

Octopus attack!!

Nibbling fish~~

My reaction to the nibbling fish-

Mitch's reaction to the nibbling fish-

It took a while for the turtle to blink and look at us to signify that it was real. O_O

Lionfish.

I found a tunnel!

Tree frog! Cute!

They had a cylinder-shaped aquarium that was hollowed out... I'm on the inside! Noooo!

The Roof at night - 11 stories up.

This bus actually overhangs the roof a bit... it was pretty scary!

Stepping stones in the rooftop fountain.

Mitch on the stepping stones~

Another shot of the roof - the ferris wheel made strange noises... Again, pretty scary! XD

Picture while riding the ferris wheel!

Another of the rooftop!

The giant mantis statue shoots from the 3-point line... and scooooorres!!

Me imitating the giant mantis statue.

Last, but not least... Dolphin and whaleuuuu!! (South Park joke)

Suikoden II dancing.

xell — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 14:21:28 GMT

I came across this a while ago - it's pretty freaking cute. Even if you don't like the dance, any fan of Suikoden would probably agree. I especially love Luca's subtle changes in expression.

And in case you want to see Suikoden characters from many games dancing... here you go.

Gaming Etc.

xell — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 14:52:43 GMT

I know, I know, another post on gaming? She so boring, right? My journal, heathens! :D

I've been thinking about it lately, and I realized that I haven't really had much gaming for a few years there. Suddenly, I'm involved in 3 tabletop games and a potential LARP. Despite the time cut from "other things", I'm liking the change.

Sure, I ran a Changeling game, but running's a lot different than playing. Heh, I actually like playing games better, and usually feel relieved when I neatly wrap up a chronicle. I also played in 7th Sea, which was originally shoved to the forefront as a request from me that was the result of my friends trying to make me feel better after The Fire. I think I just recently got a handle on my character, though - oddly enough, through taking my turn to run the game. Before, she was a fighter in a group of better fighters. As she evolved, she became more "The On-the-Go Doc."

Playing a Promethean in a New WoD setting. I like the dice system a lot better than old WoD, as combat runs a lot smoother and things just take less rolling time. Despite Persephone's (that being my Promethean) struggles and minor angst, the character is really growing on me. I listened to The Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack while thinking her up originally, and now that soundtrack has kind of become her own personal sound volume, to me. I find myself attributing different songs to different scenes of her life, and thinking about her experiences up to this point helps me evolve her into what path she would most logically take. Also, listening to Katy Perry's "Mannequin" makes me think of a tongue-in-cheek conversation between her and her maker (although the first two verses would probably be introspective.) Yay for completely rearranging the context of a song!

By the way, anyone who likes Indian trance gangsta techno pop, check out that Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack. I very much dig it. Trying to find more music like it, I picked up "The Best of A. R. Rahman," though only the first song on that CD sounds like SM, really. Still, these catchy songs are few and far in between, so I'll take what I can get.

I'm also playing in Mitch's Wild West D&D game. I play a cross-dressing gunslinger named Jack (short for Jaqueline - yes, I spell it like that.) Her primary motivation is the gathering of money to buy her little sister out of prostitution, although I'm nudging her in different directions, as that particular goal is far from impossible. She's pretty surly, too. The last session her and Brad's bounty hunter finally started working together. It's somewhat harder when two people of very different pasts have to find a logical reason to work together. Mitch said that it make it hard on him as a storyteller, but he seems to be handling it just fine. He also said he wants more from my backstory than just my origin (since he started us at level 6, he wants to know how I got there) - but I just can't think of much for that. She became a gunslinger because her mentor trained her, and left him about a year later as things one-sidedly got awkward for her. What did she do after that? Western stuff! She wandered and took odd jobs up, I guess. And she gunslung. Iono!

But yeah, it's fun, too. Looking forward to the character evolving beyond a socially apathetic money monger.

Mage LARP could be starting up. I pretty much have an "anything but vampire" mindset about role-playing, so this is exciting news. I've been tossing around the idea of a Cultist (as in, tradition) who uses Time and something else, who's addicted to Adrenaline and Pain. Pretty strange, but I tend to move into a fluffy-bunny model of RPing. It stretches my RP muscles when I try new things.

I think the main reason I like RP-ing is because I'm an extremely creative person, and it's a type of creative outlet that pretty much has instant response. Drawing and writing, well, I do those things, and by the time it gets around to asking anyone's opinion, I already hate what I did. RP doesn't really have that chance, as it's a relatively constant back-and-forth. Still, I should at least pick up my webcomic in the near future.

Super Annoyed!

xell — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 16:26:19 GMT

This is mainly a post to vent.

So, occasionally I'll go to a room on im-chat.com to get in an RP fix. Most of the 'in depth' role-play there is found in old World of Darkness rooms, which is fine by me. I'm happy enough to go through literally hours of character submission process and backstory writing so that my characters can be approved. I understand that different ST's require different things of their players, and that in an online room where anyone can join, things have to be more strict. I re-wrote and added/subtracted one of my troll concepts about 5 times to grant her approval, almost to the point of changing the entire character concept and the direction I wished to take her. But, as mentioned, I completely understand that leniency would lead to chaos in such a broad, online setting.

So, after this, my characters are approved. Hurray! I can't really play that often (once a month, if that), but I like to get my collaborative creative fix in when I can.

I get in, and a couple people are friendly enough to say 'hi' when I state that I'm there. That's cool. Then, people become engrossed in talking to each other about their characters who have known each other for years. It's pretty much to be expected, although it's fairly intimidating for someone who's just trying to get into the swing of things.

So, I ask if anyone wants to RP, and get ignored. That's fine - the world does not revolve around me, after all. And people may have their characters tied up in other scenes, or may be too tired, or whatever. So, I quietly leave for the night.

Second attempt in asking if anyone wants to RP, about a month later, results in being equally ignored. So I write a solo, which a couple people comment on how amusing my character is. Hurray! Perhaps people will wish to RP with me in the future!

I post said solo on the message board (which is normal to do), and decide to just let myself be happy in entertaining a couple of people and spending the exp from it. The day after said solo is posted, experience for the room is posted.

My character doesn't get experience.

At first I think, "What? But I did something! I did the only thing I could do... I wrote a solo, because my attempts at trying to solicit RP have ended primarily in failure. I should drop a friendly line to the Host of the room and ask for exp in exchange for adding to the room."

Then I realize, upon looking at the exp post, that exp is distributed one of two ways. 1.) Players can vote on your scenes which will give you exp, and 2.) Staff can give your scenes exp. Oh. I see. So you're at the mercy of players and staff, who could just as well choose to ignore you, to determine whether or not your character actually grows.

I put a great deal of thought into my characters, and also my posts. Why should I waste my time only to get a chuckle out of one person and nothing else to show for it? I could just as easily write a book if I want non-interactive writing. I bet I could write things that Mitch or Amanda would chuckle at just as well.

It's just annoying that I've wasted so much time and creative energy on something that's clearly not going anywhere. I'm not dogging the website, but the room within comes off with a certain high school cliquishness as far as the role-play goes. I may yet attempt to drag Mitch into it all, just so I can pursue the story lines I have for my various characters in the interactive setting with which they were meant to be developed.

Heck, if anyone else I know wants to go through the rigmarole to do some online old WoD RP-ing with me, that's welcome, too.

In the meantime, I just had to vent.

Petting stingrays.

xell — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 01:25:26 GMT

Mitch and I just got back from a visit to the zoo. We arrived somewhat late (around 5 - which was okay, as they close at 7 on the weekends for a bit) so we only got to see 3 areas or so.

I took some pictures - a lot didn't turn out too well because of my camera - but they're posted below. Alas, I didn't get any while I was in the stingray pool.

Yep. While we were there, Mitch and I petted the stingrays. Unfortunately, they already ate before we got there, but it was still very, very cool. First, I would like to comment about their personalities. After watching and interacting with them for a while, they're pretty much like water puppies. They really enjoyed all the attention and were extremely social. They'd happily run along the side of the pool under a long line of hands. Sometimes they'd give small splashes, and although they look very bizarre by most standards, they were a strange sort of cute.

They felt mostly slick, and were brown, gray and black. They definitely seemed to be having fun with all the attention they were getting. One of the little ones kept coming back to Mitch and me again and again - I suspect it liked Mitch's scritching motions it on its head. Some of them felt a little sandy on their back, but that makes sense, since some of them like hiding under sand.

But yes, it was a very fun little diversion. It'd probably freak some people out, but I recommend it if you have $3 and a spare afternoon. The stingers are removed, and they don't have teeth on the outside of their bodies (their teeth are in their equivalent of our esophagus), so they couldn't even hurt you if they wanted to. But they seemed good-natured overall, and I couldn't think of another opportunity I'd get in my lifetime to pet stingrays. Thus, time well spent! We also bought a stuffed stingray as a memento, which I will also include pictures of.

Also I must give a small warning that it smells pretty fishy-ish in there, though that didn't bother me because I was having fun.

*Anticipates Steve Erwin comments now*

Capybaras! They're so adorable in person!!

Giant Anteater~

A mongoose - also very cute!

Mongeese together.

Hyena!

Elephant!

Hippo!

Mitch and a statue... and Fiji water.

Me holding the stuffed stingray (for scale).

Patiently tolerating Mitch after he places the stingray on my head and proceeds to take pictures.

The stingray hat also makes me look saucy, apparently.

Electrician needed! Will pay monies!

xell — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 18:39:43 GMT

Okay, so the hard plastic DDR mat I've been using has decided to break. The top arrow button doesn't work - it seems to be sticking or something.

It seems like it can be unscrewed and popped open fairly easily, but I have no experience in such things. If anyone is willing to take a shot at it in the near future, I'd be willing to pay $50+ for a successful repair! This setback has really messed up my exercise routine, and it's annoying.

There are two buttons in the back corners that I never use, so if parts are needed (like a spring or a sensor), it could theoretically be taken from either of those.

I'm open to recommendations for repair as well. We've called about a dozen local electronic repair stores, and all of them have the attitude of "I do not want to touch that with a 10 foot pole." We've even tried Slackers, Gametrader and Game Crazy.

In the meantime, we've ordered a metal one, but I really loved the feel of the plastic one.

If anyone thinks they could and wants some monies, let me know!

Stars of Destiny

xell — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 19:25:11 GMT

Anyone local-ish (IL or MO) a fan of the Suikoden video games?

We're thinking of running a Suikoden-style tabletop RPG. It'll be cool, and we'd do up all of the races and such for player reference.

It's still conceptual at this stage, and it still may never happen. But still, it'd be neat if it did.

Ta-Da! Races Rundown! (Not all of them - and I'm pretty sure that any part-animal people are fair game for the world.)

Yesterday's adventures!

xell — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 17:23:10 GMT

It was a beautiful day yesterday, so Mitch and I decided to pay a visit to the Butterfly House. It's owned by the Missouri Botanical Gardens, and it's on Olive Road (at Faust Park, to be exact.) The tickets were $6, which is cheaper than a movie ticket here, so it was definitely worth the money spent.

I want to share how beautiful it was with you guys, so I'll post a bunch of pictures under the cut. Warning : Some of them are big, and there are a lot! Still, this place is highly recommended by me.

This is when we first approached The Butterfly House. Mitch is there to show the scale of the statue.

After establishing the scale, Mitch runs in fear.

Here is the statue from the front. This also shows what a beautiful day it was.

We also found a giant caterpillar statue. I look a bit uncomfortable because it took a while to get the camera to work.

When we first entered the butterfly house (after viewing the bug exhibit), a little one greeted me by perching on my arm for like five minutes. It looks like a dead leaf when folded...

...But it looks very pretty and blue when it opens up. I was actually afraid of hurting it at the time.

More pictures of butterflies and scenery... Some pictures have 2-3 butterflies in them. They were flying around everywhere, honestly! I apologize for the blurriness of some pictures... My camera has a tendency to focus on the background more than the foreground.

Here is a butterfly that camouflages itself by hiding as an owl's eye.

Here is Mitch demonstrating how said camouflage works... Sorta. *laughs*

Here's me sitting on a bench inside, watching a butterfly go by.

We bought some honey from the gift shop. Here is Mitch acting drunk while offering the giant stone butterfly said "honey."

Another of the same. *laughs*

Here's a picture of the lake ouside.

And to wrap it up, a nice old lady stopped us to ask if we wanted our picture taken together. It was so nice of her to offer!

There are a few more pictures on my myspace, or on my photobucket album (for those who know how to follow the links. ^^ Hope you enjoyed some of these!

Changeling!

xell — Thu, 28 May 2009 20:04:48 GMT

So, now that I'm finally feeling better, I'd like to start running games again. They're long overdue, anyway.

I tried to get the word out via word of mouth, but just to be sure, I'm posting here. I hope to run Changeling on this upcoming Sunday (I believe that would be May 31st.) There are only 3 or so sessions left, so I'm pretty excited about the story's conclusion.

If it won't work, lemme know so we can reschedule! Stay tuned for updates concerning 7th Sea.

xell — Thu, 14 May 2009 12:51:01 GMT

Health status: Still sick.

Mental status: Very annoyed.

The good news: At least I don't have to go back to classes until Monday.

The bad news: The weather is freaking nice and I want to go outdoor places and see Star Trek, but I just feel too miserable to taint anything I would otherwise regard as super fun with the misery of congestion and nausea.

It all started last Wednesday. I had a very very very sore throat, so I called my doctor and spoke with his nurse on Thursday. They gave me amoxicilian or whatever. Awesome. I take it three times a day, and the anti-biotic gives me a completely different type of infection. So, I had to hault taking the amox and now I'm going to switch to something else to deal with that. On top of that infection, I've spiralled back downward since yesterday (Wednesday seems to be my doomsday) and now it seems that I have something completely different than before. So I'm dealing with 2 different types of infections at the same time, like some sort of crazy dual-wielding ranger class of illness. I can't even take any centrum because when I do, I get a sudden, violent, "I'm-going-to-throw-up-right-now" shortly after taking it. It's very uncomfortable, yet I'm thinking about taking it anyway since my immune system seems to have been paid off by mobsters to take a dive in the final round.

*cough*

[From a saved draft before]

April 30: I went to the Flight of the Conchords performance Thursday night, which was hilariously awesome. I don't know if I like their new songs more than their old songs, but they put on a good show. Also, the guy who plays the landlord on their show opened for them as a comedian, and he was truly funny. He gave out postcards about Delta airlines hatred, which I intend to scan and share. B & J seemed to do a lot of particulars on the fly, and their format was typically song-talking-song-talking-song-talking. Part of me wanted to stay behind and watch them exit the Fox and walk to their tour bus, but a larger part of me was whining about going to bed and waking up for work the next morning. Consequently, I also passed on the midnight showing of Wolverine. Ah well.

May 1: Mitch and I went to The Melting Pot on the Delmar Loop for our 6 Month Anniversary. It was teh fancy. We had a four course fondu meal with unlimited dipping objects (other than entree) for like $102. It seems like a lot for a 2-person meal perhaps, but this place is nice and there was not one food item that I didn't like. Then again, I like cheese, chocolate, and meat. Five-star rating from The Jenny. This place will duly be added to my "go to when I want someplace nice like out of a movie or something."

Spare 10 Minutes!

xell — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 16:49:31 GMT

I don't have any class or homework tonight because of Conferences that do not involve me. *glee*

I still have work, but fortunately, I have plenty to do at said establishment. Verily, I'm not stuck nervously twiddling my thumbs while trying to look busy. I would normally be happy to point this out to my boss and ask for more work to do, but I'm afraid if I do my stuff too efficiently, they'll stick me back on the call center phones in my "spare time." Other than that, I typically end up doing my co-workers work when I have a moment free. Which, while relaxing, begs the question of "Why can't he do it, himself? Because every time I look over, he's at his desk Twittering."

I don't mind the concept of Twitter. I'm even a little envious that I can't hop on at work and grab hold of the addiction. However, when it prevents (although he arguably claims that it doesn't) a co-worker from doing his work, and then I end up doing his days because he's too far behind... Yeah, it leaves a bad impression on me.

He's a nice enough guy for a right-wing, conservative, socialist, neo-nazi. (Those are his words, not mine - he even went to the rally the neo-nazi's had here last week.)

In other news, I've been trying to eat healthier. I've been trying to snack primarily on fruit and salad. And when I do eat something I shouldn't (aka: instant meals), I eat smaller portions. At work I don't have much choice, but I do keep fruit roll-ups to snack on, one per day. They don't have that much substance to them, and they make my mouth happy.

I'm planning on starting an exercise routine around May 1, which is also Mitch and I's 6-month anniversary. Weird, eh?

My feet are doing way better since I went to the doctor. Rather discouragingly, he first said, "Wow... I've never seen anything like this before," when he saw my feet. He wrote me a doctor's note to wear comfortable shoes at work, and I think that's been helping more than all of my attempts at removing them chemically. I explained to the doctor that I bought four (4) pairs of shoes to try and find something that was "dressy-casual" and comfortable, but was met with limited success. I suppose when I go back, I'll just use cushions or something.

Since no one responded to the 7th Sea post, I guess I get to make up whatever I want about people's backstories and such. I don't mind being in complete creative control, but it's a setting I'm fairly unfamiliar with. Still, I think I have some pretty good ideas for a rough outline of a plot. I originally intended to run the 7th Sea plot I have in my head as a 1-shot, but I think I'll just use it as a loose introduction, instead. It'll help me warm into the genre, most likely.

I got a 16/20 on my most recent Criminal Justice test. I was most disappointed! But I'll try extra hard on the last test, and do my best. I also found out that I have to get a 16/30 to be eligable for the basic form of college math at UMSL. Looking at the practice test, most of it is Algebra, which, like, I haven't taken for about six years. *dun dun DUN* I'll have to cram it all in my brain and hope for the best. I -used- to be very good at math, but we shall see.

Well, I've sufficiently wasted enough time, now. Woot to that! Off to work I go!

Free stuff!

xell — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 17:52:41 GMT

Okay, it's just blinds. They're 35" blinds, though, and they're not the cheapy plastic kind. They're white and made of wood panels.

We bought the wrong size and we've already thrown away the box. So, if anyone wants free blinds of this size and color, let me know! I'd hate to see such expensive blinds go to waste. First come, first serve. :P

7th Sea and Changeling.

xell — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 17:49:05 GMT

Okay, 7th Sea Players! As previously discussed, I was planning on running my first game on Saturday or Sunday next weekend (April 25-26). Sunday typically seems to work better with that.

Also, I want to run a somewhat character-driven segment of the chronicle. It's entirely optional, but it'd be cool if people posted a brief backstory on their characters in response to this post. (Responses will be filtered so that it'll still be a surprise if it comes up with anyone else.) Anything else of note should be told to me here as well - like if your character invested points in something that's never come into play story-wise yet. Here's an example, using Reinhilde :

"Reinhilde was born into a noble family, though her father - a down-to-earth, stalwert Eisen - took up the trade of blacksmithing to make good use of his free time. The Cuyler family consisted of Reinhilde's father, his wife, and an older sister. The older sister was the opposite of Reinhilde in many ways. Whereas Reinhilde was always outside, atheletic and boisterous, while her sister, Anneliese, was fairer and more domestic. They lived relatively close to another branch of the Cuyler line, and that is where Reinhilde frequently ran to when she was in her more wild temperments. Mainly, she ran to their home to see the kennel, as they were upstart dog breeders. Seeing his daughter return again and again to their kennel, he bargained four good, breeding dogs from his brother, and returned home with them. Overjoyed, Reinhilde took it upon herself to train and care for the dogs, alongside her father and a couple of hired hands. She grew up very close to her father, while her sister grew up more close to their mother, and grew into a young lady who greatly resembled her father in demeanor - stoic, loyal, and earnest. She wanted to be strong, like him, so she agreed to enroll into the Eisen sword school. Upon her return, her father gifted her with a specially-fashioned hammer, to use in lieu of the axe she'd trained with."

Yours can be much shorter. I was just being kinda verbose. Whatever isn't mentioned I'll leave up to my imagination, so be warned~

Also, to my Changeling players: I was thinking about running on Saturday, May 2nd, schedules permitting. Let me know if you can't make it! Thanks!

The Good, The Bad, The Frumpy.

xell — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 15:39:30 GMT

I've been meaning to write this entry for a while, but things have just been incomprehensibly busy, especially considering last week I didn't go to school because of Spring Break.

Ever since my birthday, things have been crazy in their own right. For example, ON my birthday I had a very pleasant meal with close friends. (I didn't intend for this until the last minute, when I awkwardly called out 3 invites over the phone.) Immediately after the dinner, I had to rush Mitch to the ER because he couldn't eat or drink and he hadn't done so all day due to vertigo. Altogether, it took about four hours, and he's been sick to death with sinus troubles ever since. It seems that we both usually wake up several times a night due to these problems, and the lack of sleep + worrying about him being sick has left me fairly frayed.

It's not hit fault at all. I just want him to see a doctor and get stronger medicine than what we've been trying (and we've tried everything from various pills to nasal strips.) Still, I think it's taken a toll on my psyche.

I've had some bizarre nightmares lately, further provoking my inability to sleep throughout the night. When I wake up, some days I feel anxious and fidgety all day, and I even crab at Mitch. Yesterday was one such day especially, as people were over and I mainly hid in my/our room and pretended to not be there. I just have this overwhelming urge not to bother people, by and large, so I try to make myself non-existant. This was partially dispelled when me and two others went out to get ice cream, and I tried desperately to re-intigrate myself without causing any harm, but I still feel that I failed somehow. I feel like a jerk, and I'm beating myself up over it a lot.

I need to break out of this anti-social shell I'm crawling into. It may be that I'm just still adjusting to the official move of last month. Despite how much I've done them, moves are hard on me in a very deep way. It continually feels like I'm on an island - the likes of which is drifting very slowly away from people. It's a helpless feeling, like watching that which you love float lazily away and not being able to do anything about it.

Sometimes I feel like I -could- do something about it, but then my stupid mind just starts beating me up and feeding me all sorts of negativity about myself. I know I'm not boring. I know I'm not cruel-intentioned. But yet I feel this way. Maybe I just can't cope with change very well.

And I'm going to be a Psychology Major! Wooo!

On a bright note, I got a rockin' birthday card this year. I intend to scan it and show of it's awesomeness (clearing out the personal message for privacy of the people involved, of course.)

I've been meaning to work on my webcomic, but it seems I really need a kick in the pants for that. Rwar-ness. Tonight all I'm doing in English is listen to various classmates fumble through their interpretation of the rest of "In the Spirit of Crazy Horse." Although this can lead to great comedy, I wish I had the conscience to skip and go do something I normally don't have time to do.

Oh, and another thing that's been stressing me out is the fact that I've been dropping acid... on the bottom of my foot. Every night. It takes like 45 minutes of breathing in noxious fumes in the bathroom and, of course, aciding off my flesh. It's all because I'm trying to avoid going to the doctor because of lack of health insurance, and there are these weird callouses on the bottom of my feet that have developed into something akin to rocks. So, as a result, it feels like I'm walking on rocks that are inside my feet. That is SO much different than walking on sunshine, let me tell you.

I beat Suikoden Tactics yesterday, which is keen. Now Mitch and I can start on Secret of Mana sometime. We also got into this great party in FFXI Saturday, which ate up a lot of time. Whoops... It's easy to lose track of time when playing that game sometimes. Conversely, it's great for dieting.

Speaking of, I need to lose some weight. I'm starting to notice that I'm getting bigger, and it further motivates me to keep up with the acid. I'm also limiting myself to 2 medium-sized meals a day, rather than continual eating. I mean, lately I've felt like I'm hungry all the time, but I'm 100% sure that's because of the aformentioned mental anxiety. So, I eat 2 meals, and cut down on the snacking. After I get these things off of my feet (either via surgery or acid), I do intend to get back into DDR daily. Yesssss.

Lunar: Dragon Song, as a game, has gotten so inpalatable that I had to switch it out for random job-leveling in FFIII. I think hissing at the screen was involved. I'm basically at a point where I have to run a bunch of pointless gather-and-deliver missions in order to make Pennies Per Effort so that I have funds to buy ridiculously expensive armor and weapons in the next village.

"But wouldn't it make sense to just keep using the armor and weapons you already have?" A sane person would ask. Unfortunately, these game developers did not have any such sane people on their staff.

Unfortunately, weapons and armor break as though they were made of paper mache. Between EVERY town, 1-3 items generally break. These are items I just saved up and bought in the town before. And need I mention that running kills you? And that you either get to choose between experience OR items that you can use on aformentioned pointless deliveries in exchange for gold?

I'm at a point where I need to look up which monsters drop bananas and spoons, so that I can gather those specific items and deliver them to a random person in a random city so that I can collect 4,000 gold. Considering that weapons and armor cost up to 40,000 gold EACH, this can get expensive. And yes, it's broken down into Head/Body/Arms/Legs/Rings over three people.

If the battles were anywhere near the realm of interesting, I might be able to forgive this. Say, if they had catchy battle music and an inventive, fun system of gameplay. However, the battles are infuriating to watch, since you can't control who you attack and your magic (beyond Token Healer) is wildly limited. So, you can choose the "Attack" picture and the people will duly attack whoever you would never have chosen them to attack. It is a frustrating endeavor of futility. Thus, I usually hit "Auto Fight" and walk away until I hear victory music.

On the bright side, I've almost mastered White Mage on Refia in Final Fantasy III. It's refreshing to turn to competent people - and it actually took me some time to get used to the concept that running would not tick away at my HP. Maybe Lunar: Dragon Song is a lesson in health, as the youths probably have a myriad of bodily problems that prevent them from running for any amount of time without slowly dying. Lucia probably has clogged arteries from too many Big Macs, and Jian is most likely asthmatic. Perhaps Gabriele is diabetic and refuses to take her insulin, and Flora could very well possibly be anemic. Only in this way does it make sense for their HP to tick down while they run. As a result, we're forced to walk around like a bunch of back-holding grandparents, even when traversing things that further hurt our HP, like LAVA.

Anyway, I'm going to go do something I should've done a long time ago, and I'm going to finally put those books up on the shelf.

But before I do that, I'm going to end this incredibly long entry with this: http://www.bookmooch.com is awesome. I recommend it to anyone who reads and likes to ship out books they don't read anymore to someone who'll appreciate them.

Oh, and, like, if anyone wants to hang out, drop me a line here. Anyone. Really. I'm really not as helpless in this "drifting island" feeling as my mind tells me. Funny that I make this proposition after a long shpiel concerning my anxiety problems. Eh, no one's perfect!

Don't hate the players, or the game!

xell — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 18:49:11 GMT

Since it's very hard for me to get everyone together... When can my players get together? Post here with schedules. I'd like to pick up running my game again sometime, lest it be swept into obscurity for the rest of our days.

The reason I post is because it's just been so long since I've run it, I'm hardcore starting to lose interest in my plot/the game. I'd like to jump-start that by actually playing sometime. ^^;

Or, if other people don't have any interest, that's cool with me. I won't be personally insulted or anything.

Grr and Argh.

xell — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 21:28:31 GMT

I'm totally stranded in a truly outrageous way! This morning, after the bitter chill blew in, my car wouldn't start. It hasn't started all day. *sigh*

I don't want to spend $100 on a diagnosis and $500 more on getting Whatever repaired at the mercy of Firestone. I usually get the "This Girl Knows Nothing About Cars Discount", which is actually like a Reverse Discount, in the way that they usually charge me more money because they know I don't have a choice.

DO I have a choice? I only have a finite number of vacation days I can afford to spend on this. -_- My co-worker Brian missed 3 days due to a car accident, and management is still fighting him about it. I have like $200 in my bank account to last me until Friday... What are my choices? I really DON'T know anything about cars.

It's making a chugging noise like it wants to start, but it isn't. People tell me it might be my battery... But my car (02 Cavalier) might also be the kind that you have to remove something to put a new battery in. I'm afraid of jacking things up if I get in there and start tooling around. Grrr...

I'm half-tempted to call people at work and ask them what they would do, just so they know I'm making a genuine effort. Apparently today wasn't a big deal to call in for, since a lot of people called in, but tomorrow might not be the same story...

Friday it's supposed to "warm up" again, above freezing, but I don't know how work would handle me taking a week off due to a sudden lack of transportation. No one I know travels from North county to the city who I can carpool with. The nearest bus is about 1 1/2 miles of walking, including the VERY shady walk after dark between my workplace and Grand Metrolink Station. Again, I say, argh.

RantRantRant. VentVentVent.

Mainly gaming.

xell — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 17:16:13 GMT

Work is being a not-nice thing, but that's another rant for another day. I'll probably be leaving my job to pursue school in January as a result of the absolute crap that's been going on, but hopefully I won't have to go back to eating ramen and sprinkles again. Those things are still good, but my body tells me I need various other vitamins to survive. Silly body.

So, I've been trying to get back into DDR-ing daily. I seem to do a lot better with more space and a clear, straight-forward view of the television. Despite the innate humiliation of awkwardly spasming on a chunk of hard plastic, I tend to trick myself into thinking it's good exercise. I'm trying to do it for an hour every day, mainly when I get home from work. I have Extreme, Max 2, and Konamix at my disposal. Yesss... *taps fingertips*

I beat Suikoden IV, which, I have to say, was a decent ending. Spoilers follow in white (sorry to everyone who has a not-white background, but, to be fair, the game's been out for well over a year): It's kind of unsettling that the last boss is a TREE, but I guess I can let that slide. There was an epic one-on-one duel to wrap things up after the big fight, and, of course, the hero won. Afterward, said dual-guy refused any help and opted to sink with his ship. Chiepoo, however, seemed absolutely glib at the prospect while everyone else was "Oh-no"ing, which amused me far more than it should.

Nay-Kobolds, much like victims of multiple face lifts, are unable to frown. Their very nature is that of Happy and Cute. Here is an example of their persistently-upturned wittle mouths after a vigorous five seconds of searching on the internet:

Next, we have a picture of Chiepoo's face, as he looks like an alien spaz:

Imagine his eyes narrowed in a way that ultimately makes him look like ^_^. That is, as if to say, "I never liked that guy much, anyway! *gleeeeee*"

But yeah, it was a fulfilling ending. And after careful evaluation of the game, there were only three things I had huge issues with.

1. The hero. He runs and looks like a dweeb. He has no personality, yet everyone ADORES him. If I were Snowe, I'd dislike him, too.

2. How you travel over the world map- See Also: The Boat. Rife with battles, slower than dirt going uphill, it's just all-around painful. Also, the "tactical" battle segments are a laughable joke of rock-paper-scissors style combat... Only you can tell what the other person is going to throw first.

3. The revamping of the regular battle system. Ugh. I just imagine a bunch of board members sitting around a posh, pristine table, and there's a guy named Earl. Earl is a lovable sort that everyone thinks so well of, that they don't have the heart to tell him when his ideas are wrong, or bad. So, he stands up in the meeting and says, "Let's take out the dynamic six-person battle party and reduce it to four. You know! Like every OTHER RPG on the face of the planet earth! Oh oh oh, and to make things blatantly and obnoxiously easy, let's have the items be stored in a communal pool that any party member can draw from at any given time! You know! Like every OTHER RPG on the face of God's planet! Oh, and we can put in all sorts of incredibly pointless minigames, like betting on a coin toss." A COIN TOSS? ARE YOU SERIOUSLY CALLING THAT A MINIGAME OMG WHERE'S MY FOOD. The board members, feeling sorry for Earl, acquiesce to his requests.

However, afterward, they felt bad for the public after the initial outcry of "WTF?" from the fanbase, so they decided to make Suikoden Tactics. Far better than the undeserving world it stems from, it does well as a stand-alone strategy game, yet alone a Suikoden game. The elemental affinities of characters actually matter (unlike many other strategy games, where people have affinities for other people or various things, but can just as well be ignored). Not only do characters manipulate the map to assign elemental affinities that correlate with them, but they also have very poignant relations with other members of the party. They can team up with particular members and do Combo Attacks, or, if two people have a lot of "Good Will" between them, the person with higher HP will sometimes take the hit for them. Also, if a person dies, the people who have affinities with that person become enraged and their attacks hit for more. Couple that with cheeky, but non-obstructive dialogue between characters in battle, (Like "Thanks!" in response to getting healed... only more interesting) and we've got a winner.

More to come as the game progresses.

Also, for those who don't like Chiepoo, here's a picture of him getting hit by a giant crab.

Mrowville.

xell — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 19:47:18 GMT

Many things have happened since my last entry, but I'll still try to be as brief as can be.

The ex is being annoying in the way that she's apparently telling everyone who's fool enough to listen that I was the one who broke up with her, and now I'm "spreading rumors" because I'm such a vengeful and malicious person. Pssh and pfft. It doesn't really bother me that much, as anyone who knows anything about me can see what a far-fetched version of reality that is. In short, compulsive, pathological liars are annoying.

But that's really just a gnat that buzzes around in the grand scheme of things. For the first time in years, I'm in a relationship where I'm being taken care of. I haven't been consistently put first in quite a while, so it catches me off guard. But it's really nice, too.

For those who don't know, I be dating Mitch, y'arrr. The confused response might be,
"But Jen-nay! Aren't you not teh ghey?"

To which I suppose I'd respond with something like, "I'm just sexually attracted to women, yes."

But my significant other and I have spoken about these things, and I think we've reached a very rare bridge that is... definitely not for everyone. But for us, I think it is the perfect thing. I won't go into rampant detail, but I'm happy, and he's happy, and isn't that kind of the point?

As for the job front, it's looking pretty precarious. Despite the fact that those heathens "promoted" me 3-4 months ago, I'm still listed as "Reservationist" and still get paid reservationist salary. I applied for the job that I've been doing for the past 3-4 months in October, but still haven't heard back about it. I have a sinking fear that they're just stringing me along for cheap labor until I either quit, or they find someone who'll work my position for even less. Grrr and such.

In response to this, I'm trying desperately to sign up for half-time classes for Spring semester at UMSL. The financial boost (even if it's just in loans) would be welcome, especially if my job really is in jeopardy. Most of the job misfortune stems from the failure of Proposition M, which was a 1/2 cent sales tax put on the recent ballot for supporting Metro. There were arguments on both sides, and it failed by a VERY narrow margin, but it is what it is. There's no sense for me to look in the past - only the future.

In gaming news, I'm playing The Boat Game! For those who don't hear me complain about it on a regular basis, I do, of course, mean Suikoden IV. That game and I have a very strange relationship. I keep trying to remember all the "good times" between Suikoden and me. Sometimes, in the midst of tedious rock-paper-scissors style strategy combat, it'll say, "Remember when Nanami died!? Wasn't that SAD? Remember! I'm the same game series!"

And then I'll say, "But your hero is as bland and lifeless as a triscuit, and his face is stupid."

And Suikoden IV will retort, "But look how cute the Nay-Kobolds are. Just wookit their wittle faceses!"

And there are many such small quarrels between the game and I... The boat that floats you around the world map is a huge monster magnet, all while driving around land masses like a station wagon with three wheels. They removed two people from the regular combat system for NoGoodReason, and the main character runs stupidly. He really, really does. I wish I could replace him with just about anyone else, and that says something, as there are some particularly bad apples in the other 108 stars of Destiny. *coughPablocough*

Details, details.

xell — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 12:09:35 GMT

So, I found out more information about the situation last night, and it makes me sick.

I found out that whenever I would go over there and sleep, after she tucked me in and said she was going to stay up for a while, she would go on the internet and engage in a bit of online/emotional cheating. One time she cheated on me in this manner a mere 2 feet away, on her laptop, in her room, while I slept blissfully and unknowingly - trustingly. It wasn't even all emotional cheating, I'm sure.

Apparently the reason she ran away and started to confide in other people is that she suddenly claims to be "poly." I think that's a load of crap, and I think she's just running to that to justify cheating, because it's the easiest thing to do. Knowing her personality like I do, I highly doubt that she's actually polyamorous. She likes attention. She likes being taken care of. She likes people pandering her. Basically, she's just gathering a love group to fuel her need for attention, although she's proven to me that she's really too immature and selfish to be truly polyamorous. I believe that she gives REAL polyamorous people a very bad name.

Even if she had come out to me and said that she was "poly", BEFORE she cheated and lead me to believe I was the only one, it would have been better. Apparently she was afraid I would hate her. So she cheated on me and abandoned me... I guess this outcome is so much better than if she would have just told me the truth.

Throughout the six months, all she told me was that I was the only one for her. I've never known someone who is truly poly to be so deceitful about it, especially to one they claim to singularly love.

Poly or not, cheating is very wrong to do to a monogamous person. I have always made it very clear that I only want one partner, and that is the right way for me. All while I was only thinking of her, she was loving and flirting sexually with whoever, whenever. That is what hurts a lot - that it was all a lie. Our relationship was just a springboard for her, nothing more.

Although I'm sure her throng of admirers who idolize her would disagree. (And I'm not just making that up - I know several men and possibly women who's world turns on a dime for her - she's practically worshipped.)

I don't want to think about her anymore. I don't want to dream about her, anymore. I need to move on to someone who is right for me, but it's... so very hard to pick my heart back up. I feel sick all the time, and I've only been getting 5 hours of sleep a night or so. When I go to work, I can't work, but stare guiltily at the screen that I'm not getting anything done on.

I think the best thing for me to do right now is to concentrate on myself. Since I'm a very selfless person, this is very difficult for me. I need to rebuild my confidence... I'm thinking about doing something drastic with my hair.

If anyone wants to hang out, or go out and do things, feel free to let me know. I'll take whatever help I can get, and the IL side of the river doesn't bother me at all, considering the public places are no-smoking and I'm allergic. I could even go to bars and not be sick the next morning, over there. I feel compassion for those who smoke, and I'm usually too polite to say anything about it, even still.

If you don't feel like commenting for whatever reason, feel free to shoot me a message at raatata at (the second part is) yahoo dot (the third part is) com. (Sorry, just trying to scramble the fishbots.)

She was cheating on me.

xell — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 21:01:14 GMT

So, after another "I'm going to leave for days and never return your phone calls," and after she abandoned a small puppy for said days, we talked to my "girlfriend"s mom.

I told her a lot of things that she had been completely lying to her mom about. I found out that she lied to me a lot, as well. I mean, she lied a lot. Compulsively. Her mom even admitted that her daughter was a compulsive liar.

I was on her side through it all. I came to her side every day and spent time with her, for no other reason than to spend time with her. No ulterior motive, no demands, just... time spent with someone that I loved. That was enough.

While I was helping her mom clean out her room, I found letters. Love letters.

She had been cheating on me for well over a month, even before all of the 'problems' happened. This male-wanting-to-turn-female wrote her at least two of such letters, telling of his feelings for her and their plans to be together. He's also an ex of hers. I will include excerpts below, in a very reasonable cut. I will also scan the letters later, when I get home, so that everyone who knows me will know that this is the TRUTH, and not another lie for her to spin.

Both letters (dated letters, mind you) begin with "My Dearest Jacie,"

[After an introduction where he apologizes for being impatient in writing before she wrote to him first, although this whole thing implies that she speaks with him online often]

"How are you doing healthwise? I know it's bad of me, but sometimes I think about the workings of your body and if they're still running to spec. I always have the urge to take care of you when you got sick for some reason. I like to think it's because I'm such a nice guy, but perhaps you were correct with your guess that you give a distress vibe, or maybe your loli [Short for "Lolita", which is a style of dress/temperament that she adapts] face attracts fatherly (brotherly?) figures? At any rate, I hope you're well, both physically and mentally, and I also wish someone would swing by and make you feel cared for [Mind you, I visited her EVERY DAY, people]. Wish you could cook and cuddle for me sometime (wishful thinking).

I'd been thinking a lot about what you came out to me with, and I'm still here by your side after knowing all of that and pondering the risks and consequences that would result in dealing with one such as yourself. [I have no clue what he's talking about here, as she tended to keep many secrets from me.] As I thought about it further and further, I began to understand how and why one would fear you and incite means to have you discredited, because through ill intentions you can very well become dangerous, at least to my understanding. I know also how it would cause pain and doubt in your lover and friends, because being the tactician that I am, I plotted countless scenarios to imagine what the possibilities were. I'm honestly surprised at the fact that I wasn't immensely hurt when you explained yourself to me, because in the big picture it does open the possibility that you are a risk to be trusted. [She never explained herself to me, mind you, as I'm still not sure what this bit is about] I know someone must have told you this before, but I stress that it is a possibility at best, and cannot be carried as fact until I have absolute confirmation, and the reason I don't have that is because you filled in the unexplained holes in your story so nicely, which is another open window on the submarine. [I think I translated that sentence right... His handwriting is very poor. It doesn't make sense, and I think it's some sort of 'code'. He IS a tactician, after all.]

I trust you on faith and what you've demonstrated to me over the spance that we've known each other, so I have no fear in that I was used what-so-ever. I can't say anything that will make yourself feel like a complete person, but I don't accept you as a void of a person, and I think of you as yourself, no matter how you adapt to your surroundings. I suppose you're a bit like a cuddle fish like that, except you definitely are as cuddly as you sound. You just are to me, and I expect nothing of you other than you exist. [My sentiments exactly, although I'm sure it sounds better when someone new says it.] I would like to think that you do have some authority in what you do/say, and like, but I don't hold any expectation or suspicion of you in me, so I believe that the Jacie source is my best friend, and I love you dearly, whatever form you can take. [This first letter is admittedly not as bad as the second, which I will type in due time - it just has a LOT of connotation at this point, which is dated September 6, 2008]

I don't know anything about Jenny's reactions to things, but from what I've been told/heard about, she's a really kind person who wouldn't throw away a good relationship without a good reason. [True, I didn't throw away the relationship. I called her several times trying to repair the relationship, actually - and all of my calls were ignored.] She is also very open and understanding that you've told me, and if she's like me, she will just accept you and at least attempt to understand and listen to you without throwing bizarre speculation every which way like I started to do when you were opening up to me. I'm sure she cares deeply for you enough to work this out with you, [I did try] but I honestly cant' say any of this for certain, because I can only predict so much and things get more difficult when I interfere with difficult situations like this. I'm also hindered on my judgement on this because I also love you very much as you know, and despite myself, I can't overcome the selfish notion that I want you two to split up kindly and to have you back. [In other words, "I'm going to pretend that I hope it works out while pursuing you anyway".] I know that I need much training to transcend such wants [Because he's a Jedi as well as a tactician], but I at least understand that that it isn't right and attempt to make the correct judgement call. You've been aware of that, but I thought my saying it will ease any doubt you would have in my words for your well being. [Right. Uh-huh. I believe that. Sure.] I can't give you advice on whether to tell her or not, [She obviously hasn't] because you must do that on your own when you're ready to tell it and you believe she's ready to hear it. I hope you remain happy and loved by her to whatever end that you're happiest with, so I wish you luck on how you handle her, ok? [With the disappearing and avoiding my phone calls while leaving me in the dark? Yeah, looks like his lucky wishes didn't go far.]

It still isn't easy to talk about your new relationship [Is 5 months a friggin' "NEW" relationship!?] but I'm getting better at it. I'm also getting better about reacting badly with things that remind me of it. This means that I'm even warming up to yuri lolis [Lolitas] again - not that I have anything against yuri girls, because I wish I were one, but they just brought back horrible thoughts every time. I'm better now, and it doesn't really bother me any more that you sleep together, in fact I quite like when you do, because I know you hate sleeping alone (and she really is cute with a nice body, too... Not that I feel like thinking about THAT, but it sorta makes it easier.) [And WHAT has she been telling this guy, and who-knows-who-else about our relationship?]

[He talks a bit about Strawberry Panic that she recommended to him, then he goes into intricate detail about how he shaved his legs and his adventures therein. Only one or two sentences are worth mentioning, and they are as follows:] I'm a little hesitant to ask you to look at my body - on which gross bits will be concealed - again. [More stuff about her checking out his legs, and him feeling his own legs, followed by:] I don't know if that makes me a pervert or not, though, but I also want someone to feel my legs up, but sine you're the only one I trust, I can assume that it will never happen.

[There's talks about this linking up their Pokemon game and voice chatting here, followed by some discussion on Japanese. It mentions at the end a drawing that he did for her, which is of a cow saying "moo" with hearts around the moo. That is the end of the first letter. Now let's go to the next letter, dated 9-14-08, with "For Your Eyes Only!" on the front, with a legitimate pair of lips-shaped lipstick markings on the lower corner. This is the letter with far more incriminating things, as I do assume that they talk frequently online between letters.]

[The intro of his letter is a huge paragraph detailing how much he loved the letter that she sent him, and he compares it to a schoolgirl getting flowers or some such thing. Included in the first paragraph:] The things mentioned there [In his previous letter, dunno if it was the other one I found or not] are my honest thoughts before certain events had taken place [who knows what she told him about our relationship...], however I do hold true those thoughts.

[He talks about how he bonded with his mother over artwork, and says it was all because of her. He spoke to his mother about using his saving on a plane ticket to visit Jacie in October, the very month the gist of all this went down. On that note:] I deeply wish to see you for my own reasons, aside from merely helping a friend of desperate need. When I come to see you, If I come to see you, I want to be able to have innocent and sweet dealings with you as well as the needs which you may or may not still have at this, or any other point in my plan to venture for your company. [I'm assuming that second part pertains to things that are not sweet or innocent.] I desire romance and affectionate bonding much more than anything sexual in nature [he contracts this later], so these are my more selfish reasons for deciding on seeing you. [Screw your girlfriend, naturally. She sucks and you should cut yourself off from her soon. OH LOOK YOU DID IT'S LIKE I'M A PROPHET OR SOMETHING WOW!] This does not mean that I don't wish to make love to you physically, I merely wouldn't be disappointed if it were no longer needed at that time. I do enjoy the thoughts of sex with you, and I do so because of the way I feel about you, which is more than enough to be able to share half of my soul with you, because I can still honestly say that I love you. *****I know you wouldn't propose that we do such a thing if you hadn't still felt love for me, but in order to give myself to you, and be your mistress, I would need to feel your love both verbally and implicitly.*****

I still very much consider us friends at the moment, even though we've blurred the lines a bit, but I sometimes drift into thoughts that I may become your boyfriend/girlfriend once again, which is starting to raise my hopes a bit - Don't let them hesitate yourself to repair things with Jenny if you possibly can, if you believe she is the person you want and love. [Obviously, I am not. It is so obviously at this point that I Am Not.] I have nothing against you turning down my offer to stay with her, I'd actually welcome you doing that. [This is such a contradictory lie.] Unfortunately, I can no longer deny my own feelings and desires, so I deeply wish that you will choose me over her (or anyone else) for whom to give your mind, body, soul, and heart to. [Obviously, she chose him.]

Perhaps it was this delusion that caused me to be so easily seduced into this affair. I have not forgotten your secrets that you told me, and they cause me to contemplate everything between us. I wonder if you're only doing this because you had lead me to want this... My lack of will to refuse you would only support that. This would bring myself as the one to blame for this deviation. This is of course only one of many theories that had been formulated from the evidence, but each has been plagued with so many questions of "why?" that I have been unable to make headway into understanding the situation. Our encounters had been fun, I don't deny the fact that I love being sexual with you, but no matter how I think through things, I just become confused. So I don't think about what's happened, and I try to focus on what will happen. This eases some of the stress involved in our relationship, and I'm happy at the momentum of things are going. Though I have a good need to know both of our motivations, I must also be able to accept your word and trust the fact that you don't wish to use me and leave me hurt because you really trust me. I trust you also and believe me that you don't wish to harm me. If you tell me not to worry, I'll believe you and continue giving you all the love inside me that I feel the need to give to you out of my own will.

I know you hear me say these three little words quite often now, and it is a nasty habit of mine to be so honest. These words are still larger than mountains to me, and I have never spoken them to someone who didn't deserve to hear them. I mean every bit of each word in that sentence, and would never use them for the wrong reasons. I say them directly now, because you need to know that you are loved and someone wants you for something other than comfort or flesh. [Wow, how deep his love is. It's apparently RAVINES deeper than anything I could have POSSIBLY felt. For certain. /sarcasm ] You believe yourself to be different than when I used to say that I love you, and I see no difference at all. I knew that this version of you was possible when we met, and I would have loved you still if it continued to blossom when we were together last, just as much as I loved you when you were asexual, which is just as much as I love you now. The only real difference is that you've done what I've known you to be capable of and given your body out of love. [So she HAS told him what we've done... Awesome.] Had I desired initiative on my part for physical love of that nature, I'm sure you'd have done the same with me. Now that you've expressed your own initiative to share our bodies and soul, I also desire it. Not simply because you want it, but because you are beautiful to me, and I would be one with the person I love very much for at least an instant. It does not matter what we do, because if there is love, I will enjoy it deeply.

I've always had a great deal of trouble to not write you love letters, and I fear that this has really stepped over that bout. [Really!? Ya THINK!?] I truly wish to send you a letter that will be the true embodiment of how my heart beats for you, but until you want it, I cannot cross this line out of my own safety and for yours. I believe that we can both end up hurt if we aren't careful, so I stay away from putting myself out there that far so that you'll never know the extent of which I think about you day and night - not even this letter does my feelings justice. So I wait on you for the next level.

I shall continue to plan for Giveday[?], to visit in October [Odd! The month we broke up! I'm sure these things aren't related at all, huh?], but we both need to be absolutely certain of what we're doing before I book the ticket, and I hope we are sure sooner rather than later to cut as much of the cost as I can. I've emailed you in detail on facebook undoubtedly by now, so I'll leave this at that. I anxiously await your reply on this matter.

With all my love,
Mike Shrive (sp?)"

And I'm not doing this out of spite or petty revenge. I just want people to know why I'm hurt, and I want people to know the truth. The most pertinent events are in bold.

[Edit] I actually spoke with the guy who wrote these letters recently, and he confirmed that she had been cheating on me as early as May, when we first started going out. Of course, she lied to him too. Who knows what she was doing with whoever else. She also lied to me that Rick was her brother - he was actually an ex who was so close as to be part of the family. This was information later given to me by her mom, who I think would know if she had a brother named Rick or not.

She is made of nothing but lies, it would seem.

Emo's Pizza.

xell — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 18:18:35 GMT

I just need to get this out of my brain.

I've been a wreck this past week - a true, legitimate wreck. Luckily, I've managed to handle work okay, as most of the whirlwind activity happens at the beginning of the month.

Perhaps I should start at the beginning.

On Thursday the 18th, we had to let go of Jack, who passed sometime between 11 and 12 p.m. It was very sudden, and we had to consciously make the decision to do so. It was the right decision, considering how bad he was seizing (a respiratory infection moved to his brain), but that didn't make it any less painful. I cried for 3 hours that night, and all the next morning. I called into work on Friday, and couldn't stop crying on and off throughout the weekend.

Jack wasn't just a cute little thing to have around the house, to me. He was my friend, and a companion. We were so close, I usually referred to him as my "familiar." He always knew when I was upset, and helped me through some very hard times, through his own compassion and sympathy - completely unconditional. I spent time with him literally every day when I got home from work. I don't just mean a pat on the head - We'd play, or he'd follow me around until I pet him, or sometimes I would be so tired that all I could do was lay beside him on the floor. We helped each other. I truly think that he cared about me, especially when he knew I was upset.

I spent more time with him than I did with most people. I was closer to him than I am with most people.

I'm still greiving over his death. There is an empty space inside of me - a void that is so apparent when I walk through the door after work. Sometimes I think I see him out of the corner of my eye, but he's not there. He'll never be here again.

I know, we have another cat, but Akiko and I never bonded. She doesn't act like Jack, and it reminds me that even if I did get another cat someday, they -wouldn't- be Jack. He's gone forever.

So, I've been trying to keep it together for the past week, having successes and failures. Yesterday I had intended to go to the Pirate Festival with my girlfriend, and what happens? She gives me the silent treatment, shuts me out, and proceeds to not return my phone calls. I've never had someone make me feel so very, very unimportant - and during such a difficult time in my life... Talk about kicking me while I'm down.

She's upset that she can't go to Archon. Mind you, I told her a week ago that I couldn't go, and it was no big deal. But when SHE can't go, suddenly everything stops and it's the most important thing in the world. It's clearly more important than me, or her work, or anything else. Archon is. An anime convention.

I already called her asking her to call me if she feels like working this out. She hasn't called back, and I'm not sure if she's going to. She may be breaking up with me, so soon after the death of one of my best friends, over Archon.

Wow, don't I feel like dirt. I can't live up to pretty costumes and themed plushies.