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optimistic

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*MAYBE FORGIVNESS IS RIGHT WHERE YOU FELL.. well, i'm back home. bittersweet in every since of the word. my mom and i had solved everything by the time it was time for me to go, and saying goodbye is the worst thing in the world. as i was going through the metal decector thing *it was the last place they could take me too* taylor grabbed my bag and was all "sissy please don't go..please..." and she was on the verge of tears. mom said " just live with us.." she said it jokingly, but i know she wasn't..and she's NEVER said that before. it broke my heart. Even vince was hugging on me and was all " just say you'll come back." of course i will. Ugh. and to make it worse i'm on the verge of tears as i'm walking through the terminal and this guy starts following me going "pretty girl.." { i think he was mexican or something } i was about to go off on him, but a security gaurd stopped him..and from then on every guy said "hi" or something to me. maybe it was because i was alone? I don't know. but creepy. I got back home and Jessica * 20/bi/best friend * came over, gave me a big hug and a slurpee from 7 eleven and welcomed me back + cheered me up. We took Chico *her puppy* and Prince *my baby* to the dog park and let them run around, and then went on the hunt for fireworks. got a SHITLOAD. and at one of the stands nick [ Jock,one of my first boyfriends,17,cute but can be annoying ] was there,. he didn't see me at first so i txted him " YOU SPED! pull up your damn pants.." cuz his pants were hanging all low,and he goes "WHAT THE FUCK?!" got all creeped out. and as soon as i told him i was at the tent he's all " COME BACK! , please. come see me." so Jess and i were killing time anyway so we went back, Nick was all huggy on me in front of his friends and stuff. Jessica and i came back, lit some fireworks, but saved most of them for tonight ;) we swam,and she went home about 2:30am. Then Nick kept texing me and called me. We talked for a while..and apparently his friend Cameron thought i was "really hot." so reluctantly nick let us exchange numbers. lmao he was pretty funny about it. but cameron was pretty cute.Nick was flirting with me again and I said "Nick what about cameron? i thought you said you wouldn't screw him over.." he's all " I won't. if you two get serious about eachother. but for now i've still got a chance." SERIOUS about eachother? huh wa? .. ha. funny stuff. well i'm gonna make plans with mi jessica for tonight. happy 4th all!..wHERE CAN YOU RUN TO ESCAPE YOURSELF?*

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sleepy

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Oh boy, its flooding here and in Texas. Six Flags has it so bad you can just barely see the tops of the rides. And Vince *step dad* is in Ardmore *about 20 min from here* and he said the waters up to the hood of his car and he's watching cars,matresses and everything else float on down the street. its gonna be interesting.. even DFW airport is flooded, and i'm supposed to leave on Sat. I have no idea how thats gonna work! bah. I like the rain though. Ew, Sturgis *mom's puppy boston terrior* just got bit by a pregnant scorpion. it didn't get him real well but the little babies were creepy looking.. yuck yuck yuck. i think i'll have nightmares about that one! Alright i'm gettin off. here comes the thunder.

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mood

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blank

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Blah, I'm ready to go home. I love my mom and everything, but we had a huge spat the other night..Taylor her friend Tera and I were out camping in the tent [ they have a huge backyard so we set up a tent and a fire and all ] well Tera's brother Justin (16) and his friend decided to camp out as well, our tent is huge so i suggested we all stay in the same one.. i thought it would be fun.. scary stories.. and all that. well, my mom blows up at me " You do NOT need to be sleeping in the same tent as those boys..watch your mouth [ apparently i was being "inappropriate".." yadda yadda. Okay mom, i'm SEVENTEEN, get over it. for all you know i'm not a virgin. and what am i gonna do with a 15 and 16 year old? and like HELL i'd let them touch Taylor, they need to chill. Vince got all pissy too.. i really can't stand him. He's a freak. [ watches porn all the time.. lazy..won't get up on time ..just plain creepy. ] so yeah, needless to say i'm ready to go home. But DFW is FLOODED the whole airport beacause dallas is getting so much rain... i BETTER be able to get out of here on Saturday or i'm gonna go nuts. Friday mom's taking me to get my hair done though. i need a trim, and i'm gonna get some red highlights. boo ya. .. Taylor still thinks i'm her rolemodle or something. last night while we were goin to sleep she started hugging me and was all " Your the best sissy in the world .. i love you" and then she goes " Move in with us, please.." she always starts that, she doesn't understand that this isn't my home,and that breaks my heart. hm.. just "talked" with Jess, I'm ready for it to be *really* over this time, she's got some boytoy and everything else.. yet she says she still thinks of me? RIGHT! i'm not falling for anymore games, i cared way too much about her in the first place, so this time.. its done. :) My baby hasn't called in a while, but i still dream about him everynight.. i love goin to sleep! haha, but I'm not really worried about it, we'll be together in the end, and until then we can both have our own fun. *grin* haha jk jk.. sorta. but yeah, just a heads up.. this journal will be friends only soon, i don't need *EVERYONE* reading my thoughts (cough) ..and i'll be making a graphic journal and ending my zine, so if you think you knwo LJ and all the codes well,contact me and maybe we can work something out [ if you can set up a badass layout i'll pay you. i know nothing about lj yet ] - well i'm off to work with my mom..as soon as she gets here. i've been making money left and right lately. *squeal*

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okay

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Well, here I am in Oklahoma, my plane ended up being two hours late + the flight was so bumpy i spilled my drink all over myself. ugh. not to mention we flew THROUGH a ton of lightening storms, it looked cool but it was freaky. I'm staying in my little sisters room, I could have my own but she likes me in there, so I don't mind. My phone works out here, if I lean in certain direction + hop on one foot. haha jk jk, but in some spots of the house it works, so i'm still on it quite a bit, if anyone wants to chat email me at rhodgson@sprintpsc.com , thats directly to my phone. Last night was a huge thunder storm, lightening hit so close the whole house shook and it blacked out the TV's. luckily they turned back on but it scared the shit out of all of us. Sturgis *my moms puppy, a mess* jumped, flew under the covers and stayed between my legs until i yanked him out,it was quite funny. I think we're goin to an animal park here soon, should be fun.. but ugh i've already gotten eaten alive. I swear i have like 15 misquito bites on me. and they all itch like hell. =( oh well. I dreamt about Jessi last night, it was really weird. I wanted to call her but I dont have her number anymore, so I guess I just need to give up. If she needs me she knows where to find me, I know we're drifting apart, I just don't know if its for the better or not..but oh well, theres nothing I can do about it. I mean there is, but if something needed to be done she'd contact me too.............. yeah lets pretend that made sense! argh, my tat is hurting really bad, each day it hurts a little more, which is shitty, but i'm still so happy i got it. my little sister loves to hold open my shirt and say " See my sissy's tat? isn't it cool.." so basically everyone here knows i have it before i have a chance to say anything, haha. but i'm proud of it. so it rocks ;D .. Well i'm off here, I need to spend time with my family. not glued to the computer!

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anxious

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+ I GUESS I NEED YOU BABY .. well i'm off to oklahoma, to see my mommy stepdad and little sis,i'll probably update this journal from there sometimes but i'm not planning on saying on the computer long while i'm there. I got my tattoo a few days ago! its beautiful :

it look really distorted there, but it isn't at all. its quite complicated to take a pic of your own back..but i love it! and quite honestly it felt kinda good when i was gettin it. lmao. i'm sure ill end up gettin more. Work is goin great, and i went to the kiss concert wed night. oh damn it rocked! Ian [ radio djfor one of the stations. a semi celeb here ] got us to the 3rd row, and took me backstage . ..i'll talk more later cuz as of now, my plane leaves in two hours. adios ya'll! + PLEASE FORGIVE ME..

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accomplished

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+ no matter how hard i try, i can't live without you in my life .. + got off of work early. (chuckie) my GM Jeff actually gave me a shitload of compliments he's all "Theres people that have been here all day and haven't done shit. go home. they can stay." i flew out. lmao. I had parties out my ass today, but along with that came tips. so whoop! I was telling everyone goodbye cuz tommorrow will be my last day at chuckie, so i can work on going fulltime at the radiostation. everyone got all sad, it was kind of sweet. some things i'm gonna miss about that job,others i just wont!. i'm waiting for my baby to call me, he calls on the weekends cuz he gets free longdistance. he better call or my pretty foot is gonna be up his cute ass! ugh, everything makes me think about him. ever since i talked to him.. they say your brain proccesses 7 thoughts at time, "Jereth" is 6.5 of the thoughts in my brain, constantly. I tried to text Jessi and see if we could talk things out, she didn't seem to thrilled about it,so i deleted her numbers, ripped up a bunch of pictures i had of her and us. no point in being reminded of what will never be. it makes me sad though, i do love her. so much, and not in the past tense. i still do. but she made her choices, i honestly hope she's happy with them. MY jessica spent the night last night, lmao she's funny as hell. she's all " OoOo you've got a lesbian in your bed *raises eyebrows*" i smaked her and said " SCOOT YOUR ASS OVER!" her and my two aunts and me all hung out until like 3:00am last night. even though i had to work. i really function better on like 2 hours of sleep, its odd. but yeah, her and i are starting to get really close. not in THAT way, she's just my buddy. so whoo on the fact that i have another friend! and i know SHE isn't going anywhere, which i can't say for other people. *shrug* i'm off to rest on my fat white ass. OH! i'm getting my tattoo tuesday *squeals* I'm so damn excited, i'm getting it on the day closest possible of my dads birthday/fathers day. its going to be two symbols which mean "eternal love" + a 20 for the day he was born and the day he died, and i'm going to outline it in like a shade of blue. RAWK on me, it'll be on my lower back, and i'll have to sit on a plane for two hours a few days later.. so that won't be too much fun, but i want my daddy's mark on me! i miss him =( i love you daddy. rip. + i'm convinced we gave up too soon.. .. +

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hopeful

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*sigh* is it possible to be estatically happy, and SO sad at the same time? it must be. because i am. Jereth called me tonight. . JERETH.my baby, my everything. he called once and i didn't know the number so i didnt pick it up. so he called back. he's all " I figured you wouldn't answer cuz you didnt know the number. and leaving you a message wasn't enough." he knows me so well. its so eerie. but god i miss him. we talked for hours..made eachother cry. laugh. everything. ive never told someone i love them so much in such a short period of time. he asked if Joey and i had broken up and i said yeah. hes all " so thats what you had to figure out?" i felt so bad. joey was SUCH a mistake on so many different levels. I asked him why he left. " The only reason i stayed there was you. i hated my step dad but as long as i had you i didn't care. and when i lost you, i ran. i had nothing to stay for. and i wasn't about to watch you love someone else." he left because of ME i said "well you left because of your dad too right?" he said "No. i could deal being around him. i couln't deal with not being around you." that made me cry. he told me he hasn't been with ANYONE since me. and he doesn't really want too. we still talked like he was just down the street..instead of states away. he's still convinced we'll be married someday. and gets jealous if i talk about other guys. damn.. i miss him. he wants me to come out there. he said " i'll buy you a plane ticket.. cab fair...anything... just please come see me." i told him i wouldn't have a place to come back too if i left like that. hes all " Who said I would let you leave?" we talked more and i said how bad i wanted out of NM. he said "wherever you go. this time im comming with you." he told me how he CRIES about me... so many things. and he literally just READS my mind. i dont have that with ANYONE else. he said " The other day i walked out of the store with an incubus cd. and then i was like 'what.. i don't listen to these guys...... oh.. rachelle..' he got it because I listen to them. he's all " I even watched the dvd. and cursed at brandon the whole time. cuz i knew he was someone that you liked" the he muttered "Bastard." he's precious. we talked about evrthing we used to do together. ...just EVERYTHING. we only hung up because my phone was dying. i asked him if i'd hear from him within six months this time. he got real quiet and said.."You know. theres a huge void in my life without you. i need you. i love you so much." i damn near cried and went. " WILL YOU JUST SAY GOODBYE BEFORE MY PHONE HANGS UP?!" hes all "no. i'm NOT saying goodbye to you. ever. i'll talk to you soon. i lo-" and bam. my phone died. ..*sigh* that boy. he does so much to me..and more. he's my happiness. i don't care how independent i want to be. i will be. but emotionally + physically. he's got me. all of me. .....and i will be going now. new job starts tommorrow! and i'm gettin up at 4:00am *GASP* to go to the gym.

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optimistic

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Yum and a half. I'm watching the Mets/Marlins game. Miguel.. what that boy doesn't do to me! i want him! .. *le sigh* anyway. I put my zine on break last night. Its kind of sad. I've had it for almost 3 years! lets just say i'm not the same girl who started it. but i like that. I'm going to the gym tonight. Finally. I'm getting so chubby it frightens me. seriously. but oh well. I start my new job MONDAY! YES! Susan *my new boss* let me pick my own hours and everything. its starting off temporarily but then i'll be advanced to promotions or sales. wherever i wanna go! and its for all the clear channel stations here. ;) they're basically all the "popular" ones. so i'll probably have run ins with celebs as well. Cha-ching. lmao i'm excited. i'm so happy right now i'm thrilled to shit!..... dunno where that came from. But I'm off to the gym. I gotta look good for this job!

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annoyed

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okay, you know what. time for ME to rant. I got bored and like a dumbass i went and looked at Jessi's live journal. for a kick. she's a total bitch, she blames everything on me and won't take her own fault. she always takes things i say the WRONG way. for example, i was sad the other day about my little sister leaving and said something like " i'm glad you don't know what its like " meaning i was GLAD she doesn't feel fucking torn all the time. or that she at least got to spend A LOT of her life with her sister, where as my situation is different. i didn't want her pitty, i didn't even want to tell her. but hey, like a dumbass i confided in her as usual. i don't know whats up her ass but she needs to get off her high and mighty horse and realise there are other people in the world. i used to love her. so much, but hell. her feelings changed SO fast. so can mine. i'll miss her now and again but f it. I don't deserve her shit anymore. she's a drama queen.and so predictable. she's a typical chick in every aspect of the word. there isn't anything special about her. all i wanted was to be happy.. and maybe even with her. but thank god we've "seen the light". ;) have a nice life JESSICA. you'll find someone you deserve. thank you for showing me the real you.

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bitchy

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my first entry.lets all applaud! I made everything on here and actually figured it out for myself. so thats probably the reason it all looks half ass. oh well. it works. ugh. time for the ranting to begin. my gran is pissing me off. i woke up with a headache this morning and because of that I can't go to the isotopes game. DAMN HER! She complains about me never getting out. and yet when i ask to she says ' no! ' she pisses me off royally sometimes. i still haven't finished my homework. something she doesn't know. so i suppose i should be doing that instead of ranting in here about petty little things.