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Patton Oswalt
60K posts
Patton Oswalt
@pattonoswalt
Head over to pattonoswalt.com for tour dates, comics & whatever else I’m working on. I like making stuff. IG, Threads & BlueSky: @pattonoswalt
Anne Frank spent 2 years hiding in an attic and we’ve been home for just over a month with Netflix, food delivery & video games and there are people risking viral death by storming state capital buildings & screaming, “Open Fuddruckers!”- No tears, Nancy. You voted for this.Rep. Nancy Mace was visibly upset as she left the meeting with Epstein survivors at the Capitol. She declined to answer questions from reporters.
00:00 - I would watch 9 seasons of this.
- We don’t need gun control. We just need to avoid churches, malls, supermarkets, mosques, concerts, synagogues, cinemas, parks, pre-schools, middle schools, high schools, college campuses, mass transportation, the outdoors in general… (1/513)
- The dude who cried about beer on TV has made a BIG decision about your life, ladies!
- These are just...shots of you. No first responders, no memorial. Just...you. Holy shit this is offensive.May God Forever Bless the United States of America. #NeverForget911
00:00 - I’m not gonna stick to comedy these next 46 days. Sorry.
- Dear people citing The Bible: It’s a cool book with some wonderful passages but it also has ghost sex & giants & super babies & demons. It’s why we don’t make laws based on Game of Thrones, My Little Pony or Legend of Zelda.
- expect a call from my attorneysI’m proud to spend thousands on this gorgeous President Trump bobblehead, and while wokesters may laugh, it’s power will ensure that God blesses us with a healthy harvest season, which will make up for our family not affording groceries.
- This is not over. For we shall mount our righteous stand at Four Seasons Total Landscaping. Next to Fantasy Island Adult Books. Across the street from the Delaware Valley Cremation Center. Between the fire extinguisher and yellow hose. #MAGA
- The President is a stupid asshole and if you voted for him you’re a stupid asshole and if you still support him you’re a stupid asshole. Oh no this Tweet is going to make all the stupid assholes not like me waaaaahSo ridiculous. Greta must work on her Anger Management problem, then go to a good old fashioned movie with a friend! Chill Greta, Chill!
