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My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
octopus/caveman
153.7K posts
octopus/caveman
@octopuscaveman
cool ranch icarus, painter of LoveBots, king of diarrhea jokes
Joined July 2017
- I think the scariest alien scenario ever would be if they came to earth, didn’t talk to humans, communicated with something in the ocean for a few days and then just left
- diarrhea used to literally kill people and now I’ll eat foods that I know will give me diarrhea because they taste good. It’s the pinnacle of excess.
- I think the funniest assembly I ever went to in high school was when they brought in this former crack addict to warn us about the dangers of smoking crack but it was super obvious how much he missed smoking crack
- The McRib is back so I thought I'd remind everyone why McDonalds blocked me 4 years ago
- My son put some Trix in his ant farm. Instead of eating them, the ants dug up all of the dead ants in the farm and piled them on top of the Trix. Not sure what that means but I’m not eating Trix anymore.
- Went to a convenience store and there was nobody behind the counter and after about ten minutes I was starting to get mad and then this lady came out and said “sorry I have diarrhea” and all of my anger vanished
- When I was a teenager I was super depressed and my best friend told me if I ever killed myself he would play American Badass by Kid Rock at my funeral and tell everyone it was my favorite song and it’s kept me alive until this day.
- It’s a shame people don’t read porno magazines anymore. When my grandpa died he left us a stack of gay porno mags and a lot of unanswered questions. That’s called a legacy.
- Hung out with my mom and brother and we asked someone to take our picture
- The fact that someone from The Onion had to have a meeting with the Sandy Hook families and go “I’m sorry for your loss but do you guys want to do something really funny” is the wildest part of the InfoWars purchase
- In LA there’s a church where they lay razor wire across the stoop to keep the homeless people away. Just like Jesus says.
