Me: tells hubby of something MIL did.
Hu: oh, feath, you know that’s not true. she’d never do that!
Me: yes she did
Hu: i don’t want to hear another word. No. I mean it, not a word.
The two other times I tried talking to him about it, I got cold silence, so yeah, not another word was spoken about it.
then one day, even he couldn't say that. But that’s a story for another day.
MIL: at the door, coated up and ready to go.
Me: have fun at auntie and uncles!
MIL: I tell them you are lazy!
Me: I look at her, actually surprised she admits it before hand.
MIL: puts on 3 year old face mask, Impish smile, sparkly eyes, scrunches shoulders up to her ears. *aren't I cute?* her look says.
And I realize she must have used that look for decades to get out of trouble. I can just hear her granny and great granny just laughing away at that look. “Isn’t she adorable?” Says one. “She’s such a sweet little girl. I’m sure she didn’t mean to drown the kitten in the only source of fresh water we had. Come, my little dumpling, lets get you an apple.” Says the other.
MIL: anything yours is mine.
Me: hides stuff.
Me: gets back to find husband red-faced as he tried to control laughter.
Hub: mother took one of your key chains (that you had hidden in a drawer, under a buncha stuff, he didn’t have to say. It must have taken a good 30 minutes to rummage through stuff until she found it.) and gave it to Little Mary.
Me: my eyebrows go up. Little Mary is about 15, and very protected and shy. The only key chains I had at the time had a little recording of a woman orgasming. My eyebrows continue to go up. My face goes red as I try not to laugh.
MIL: what?
Hub: you tell her.
Me: nope, you tell her. in [home language], otherwise she might not understand. (she understands english just fine. It's only MY english she can never understand.)
Hub: explains.
MIL: goes red.
Me: One of the few times karma kicked back, hard and fast. She had to explain to Little Mary’s daddy why she gave her an orgasm keychain. It didn’t stop her from taking whatever took her eye, but i sitll get a huge smirk when I think of Little Mary and the Orgasmic Key Chain.
Me: walking down the hall into the living room. The door is open and MIL is crossing in front of the door. We make eye contact. She moves on, out of my line of sight.
Me: Continuing at the same pace.
MIL: slams door shut. It doesn’t hit me, but it was close.
Me: The passive part is there’s a calendar behind the door. “I was just looking at the calendar” I could hear her future voice say.
Me: score of 6; too obviously intentional, timing wrong for hitting me in the face, door not really heavy enough to cause much damage beyond maybe a broken nose. 6 out of 10.
Not her best effort.
Me; rummaging through kitchen drawer, one handed, looking for toothpicks.
MIL; leans around me, slo-owly reaches out, then slaps the drawer closed as hard as she could.
Me; snatches hand out too fast to be caught.
MIL; turns back to her business.
Me: opens drawer and finds toothpicks.
When you’re invisible, you need to be quick.
Me: finishes making coffee, turn to leave kitchen.
MIL: sees this and staggers to the kitchen door, clutching it. (bad knees, but able to walk and stand just fine.)
Me: I wait for her to go through the door. Blows on coffee.
MIL: freezes in the door like a deer in headlights.
Me: waits for it...waits for it...
MIL: reaches into bookcase just outside kitchen door. Shuffles through books.
Me: sips coffee.
MIL: changes book choice, takes another sampling of books. Still has door blocked.
Me: clears throat.
MIL: picks a book. changes mind, again. She’s leaning against the door frame, now, clearly on the verge of falling (says drama teacher)
Me: i know I can be seen out of the corner of her eye, she’s sideways, not with her back to me. she’d seen me as I had turned to leave the kitchen. Loudly sip coffee and ‘cough’ a little. thinking (but not saying) MOVE YOU FUCKING COW.
MIL: picks a book. Turns and ‘sees’ me. Oh! She says brightly. I didn’t see you!
Me: looks at her over glasses frames. I must treat her as second to god, never a negative word. I may not ask her to do anything - not even move that fat ass so I can sit down, before I fall down. All the things I want to say are locked behind my teeth. ‘Um’, I say, which can be taken in lots of ways, but she looks delighted, so clearly I have learned my place, yet another day.
