There are some things you don't forget about, after not experiencing them for a while. And others, it feels like the first time again, even if you've gone through this rodeo before. For me, receiving beta feedback for the first time in over a decade has been the later. My brain completely forgot not only how to prepare for it, but how to protect myself from what it triggers post receiving it. So, let's talk about it! I am very lucky to have a small, trusted group of beta readers. Some worked with me in my debut, Blood Price . Others are newer connections I've made in the decade since I wrote that novel and first got constructive or critical feedback on it. But each of them are people I greatly trust and whose opinions mean the world to me. I spent the month of January rereading my draft, putting together the most in-depth feedback form I ever have and then it was off to the races! I started getting feedback as early as mid-Feb (some of my readers were incredibly fast), but most came this past week. Cue the emotional rollercoaster I forgot to prepare for. Many of you know my brain isn't always the kindest on the nicest days. I also struggle (and am diagnosed with) high-intensity anxiety, which often shows up as shame spirals, all-or-nothing thinking, and catatrophizing. Things I seemingly forgot as, immediately upon receiving and pouring over beta feedback, my brain went on full self-attack mode. Because my book wasn't perfect, it was trash. Because someone had critiques instead of only praise, the confidence I felt in this story was fake. Because I have over two pages of notes of things to rework, tweak and reconsider, I obviously have learned nothing since my debut. Before you all come at me (or, gods, if any of my betas read this and suddenly feel bad, don't, I love you), please know that I immediately recognized this as Bad™️. I KNEW these were lies my brain was telling me. I recognized that, even in the moment. Thankfully, my time in therapy is paying off, because I could stop and acknowledge that just because my brain is having these thoughts, doesn't make them Truths. That's a HUGE step forward from where I once was. I apparently still had to feel them, though. One heavy crying session and swollen eyes later, I was able to finally take a breath and actually push back against my brain. It went something like this: No, my book isn't perfect and never will be. Striving for that standard is unfair for anyone to go after, including myself. The purpose of beta reading is to get both praise and critiques. These were not positivity passes. You actually got what you wanted, even if you, brain, aren't used to or even always enjoy this part of the process. The feedback was incredibly helpful. The story is going to be stronger for it and I am going to be stronger writer, too. I've learned a ton and have grown a lot as a writer and those readers who are familiar with my past work reflected on that very thing. THIS IS A GOOD THING. Then, the next day, I had a writing and marketing session with my writing partner who, coincidentally, is in the exact same stage as me, preparing to publish new books this summer (her) and fall (me). It was so wonderful to get excited about the story again, bounce back and forth ideas and start planning more intentionally for the story to continue making its way to becoming more book shaped. Which includes another round of dev edits. I write this not only as a transparent, vulnerable, inside-the-writer's-brain kinda look. But also to remind others who might struggle with different parts of the publishing and writing process that it's okay to do so. This was a good reminder for me of how my brain initially responds to critique and how the things I did (forcing myself to step away and take my dog for a walk; letting myself process my emotions by crying instead of bottling it up; talking with friends and my partner; hell, even writing this post!) were helpful in letting me silence the cruel, unfair parts of my brain until the rational parts could shine. I am so thankful to my beta readers. They have given me such a gift and I am SO excited to dive into working next week (just waiting for feedback from my sensitivity editor before I make a complete picture/list of everything I want to work on in dev edits). But I also had to go through my process that I forgot I had—of confronting my brain, the cruel inner voices, my all-or-nothing thinking and the rejection sensitivity flare ups—to get to this point where I'm excited to dive into my story again and make it better . My book is going to be stronger because I went through this and am pushing myself to make it so. I am as a writer, too. It's okay that I'm relearning how to receive beta feedback and critiques. It's okay if I now have a new goal of learning how to prepare for what triggers might arise from it. It's okay if it's a hard part for me. It's all worth it to continue to tell stories that matter to me. And I'm so excited to get this one into your hands! Thanks for all of your support along the way. 🖤 Until next, Nicole 🖤 Buy Blood Price | Patreon | Newsletter | Editorial Services | Twitch | Socials
