Betsy DeVos

“It’s unfair and, quite frankly, a disgrace,” the former President said.

Trump’s Education Secretary said that she took out paper and pencil to figure out “just how many weeks twelve days really is. It was basic geometry.”

“For the past four years, I have worked tirelessly to keep our schools free from education,” she said.

DeVos said parents were concerned that, if their children return to school in the fall, they might be exposed to learning. “That will not happen on my watch,” she promised.

The regulations, issued by the Department of Education earlier this month, free schools to do some things that previously were prohibited or understood to be disfavored.

Parents panicked at the prospect of their school-deprived children becoming as ignorant as the nation’s Education Secretary.

The Secretary of Education said that, within days of taking office, she had drawn up an ambitious plan called No School Left Open.

Trump praised Loughlin for her “disruptive approach” to college admissions and expressed hope that she could bring the same brand of innovative thinking to the Department of Education.

“Let’s say Jenna has a 470 verbal score, but she needs a 730 to get into Yale,” DeVos said. “How much will she have to pay to get her score changed?”

There is much to criticize in the Secretary of Education’s suggested regulations, but also much that would help make schools’ handling of misconduct fairer to all parties.

“If I had to answer every question she had about schools, I would have had to bone up on education for a month.”

“He had forgotten there was a spelling section,” a source said.

“My intelligence can be very intimidating,” DeVos said. “And if Donald Trump was a moron, he would not want to be around people who are intelligenter than him.”

“The exact number was between eleventy and ninety-quelve, but I rounded down to eleventy,” the Secretary of Education said.

DeVos said that she was glad that she Googled the Civil War, calling it “an extremely fascinating chapter in American history that people need to find out about.”

The Education Secretary plans to replace Pyongyang’s current system of training scientists with a dizzying array of vouchers, sources said.

“Who the heck can count all the way to a hundred?” DeVos said, adding that the media were “acting like we’re a bunch of math geniuses.”