wisernolder

I'm not going to dance around it anymore.

I come from a pretty shit background. I have had a truly shit few months. Whilst I try not to bemoan it or let it interfere too much with my life, it has had it's effect on me.

Amongst this shit is a number of physical and sexual assaults, abusive relationships, and mind fucks. I was recently on , discussing these problems with other history-of-abuse kinkster, when someone recommended several books to me on the subject of regaining sexual identity and moving on after sexual assault. She suggested I pick the one I feel the most connected to, and make potential partners read it before I give my heart, body or submission to them, at least in full.

"But the sort of men I date would run a mile at that idea," I protested.

"Then perhaps," she responded, "the sort of men you date is your problem.

Taking a bit of time out, maybe a few days, maybe a few months. Feel free to message me; I'll get back to you upon my return.

If I never hear another word about how great 50 shades of grey is, I'll be an exceptionally happy girl....

Guys, please, riddle me this.

Dom messages me. For any one of a number of reasons, such as his requirements, hard limits, marital status or location, I come to the conclusion that he cannot meet my needs, or I cannot meet his. No one's fault; we're just incompatible. I do what I believe to be the grown up thing and point this point.

So why is it so many guys respond to this with, "you're topping from below" or "your just need to learn your place?"

I know where my place is; it's beside my lover, be they male or female, Dom or sub, doing my best to make them happy in whatever way we mutually deem appropriate. But I don't become a Dom's submissive just because he tells me he wants me, because he decides I will be his. It doesn't work that way. We *both* need to discuss our needs so we *both* have those needs met by the other person. That's how any relationship, D/s or otherwise, works.

Why are there still so many Dom/me's out there who don't know this? I mean, c'mon guys, I'm 23 and I seem to know more about BDSM relationships than a lot of the middle-agers

Honestly starting to think that maybe I should back away from all this. I've met a fair few Dom's who are genuinely good guys, and a fair few more who for one reason or another just suck ass. And the general problem I'm finding is that I just don't seem to fit with any of them!

I mean, I'm not a masochist, I don't submit easily, and I'm very bossy and independent in my daily life. I guess the most accurate way to describe what I'm looking for is a subtly but constant dynamic that permeates all aspects of my life with my Dom. Basically, a relationship with someone willing to "wear the pants" without being a flat out whip-wielding leather clad insecure "Master of the Universe."

I'm sexually submissive and have a deep desire to please, but that's been manipulated and abused to so much...literally ever since I started submitting. I don't think I've spent more than a month in a decent D/s relationship with myself as the submissive in the last 4 years. Because of this my desire to please takes a back seat to a million defense mechanisms. I got issues. Maybe I need to back away and resolve them, first. But what if resolving them alone takes me away from D/s?

Meh. Thinking out loud is fun. I'm sure I'll work it out eventually.

Re-applying to collage today; SHITTING MYSELF!

My "proper" profile.

A few things about me, shall we?

I am looking for a 24/7 LTR. I'm not looking for friends with benefits. I have several of those already. I have a son, and want another. I want to get married and have a nice normal life (with an obvious kinky twist) some day. I'm not saying I want to pick out babynames on the first date or anything, but please, don't approach me unless we have matching long term goals. I'm not against older men (in fact I prefer them) but if you're in your 50's with 2 divorced and 5 kids behind you and no desire to do it all again, you'll be wasting your time with me.

I am passionately artistic, and naturalistic. I have agoraphobia and cannot travel far from my home town; this means I can't come to see you unless you live very close to me. I also have a son who lives with me part time, which limits my travel, and several animals who I care for daily, further limiting my travel. Basically, I can accommodate, but almost never travel. If that's a problem for you, again, you'll be wasting your time. Similarly if you're looking for someone to relocate to you, I'm not your girl.

I'm also very safety centric; that means safecalls, condoms, etc. I don't play or fuck on the first date (or the first three dates, and maybe not the first five dates, either.) If I submit to you, or take you to bed, it's because it means something. After all, where is the value in owning a submissive, if she'll happily give that submission to anyone?

Finally, me vanilla pet peeves are, people who are rude or superficial (and no, I'm not saying that 'cause I'm 300lb's), and people who butcher my beloved English language. If getting my attention isn't worth a once-over with a spell check or a few extra letters to make "u" into a word, why should you be worth my well-written time?

So, a little about me as a submissive.
 

Things I'm into; age and incest play, fisting, bondage, sensory deprivation, and sensuality play. I'm into lots of things with different people, these are just the ones that really get my heart thumping. I've done most of the things I've heard of, and think I've heard of most things. If it's not in my hard limits, come ask me about it. My hard limits are pain play (this one's complicated, but just assume for simplicities sake that if you're a sadist I'm not your girl), scat, needles, public play (i.e. things the general non-consenting public sees) and animal cruelty (not necessarily the same as beastiality.)

Things I offer; I'm intensely loyal and devoted. I've had previous partners who have done everything to me; hard limits and all. For the right person, my preferences cease to exist; there is just a need to please, which has been there my whole life. For the right person.

Anyways, if you're still with me, send me a message :-) I'd love to chat. Oh, and this is my second profile this year; fancied a change, as I have changed lots. So if I look or sound familiar, you know why! :-)

My thoughts on submission.

In my profile I say I'm very loyal and devoted, and it's true; I've done some things for previous Dom's that I genuinely regret. And I mean they keep me up at night, you know? Hard limits, laws, even my son's safety and well-being; if I get deep enough into in, my need to please over-rides everything else. Even my own survival instincts. Everything. 

However, after years of people taking advantage of me, I've become very selective in who I feel that strongly for; until I know you, trust you and love you, you can expect me to be a "bad sub." I have spent nearly a year now in therapy trying to learn how to stand up for myself and say 'no' to peoples demands of me. And sadly, most of those people have been Dominant's; there are a lot here who abuse my submissive nature, and the submissive nature of many others.

The turning point came, for me, a few months ago. I met with a Dominant friend to play for the very first time. After months of discussing rape scenario's, age play, and all the kinky things we wanted to do, we came to the "safety first" conclusion. Since I have a lot of triggers and a very grim back-story, we agreed it would be best for the first fuck to be relatively normal. No role play, no sadism, etc. Needless to say it didn't work that way; he raped me twice and left before my first safe-call. And the primary weapon he used was my submissive nature; my desire to please. By manipulating that, which he understood well due to his friendship with me, he was able to get away with it. Further more, it was several hours before I told anyone, and only when they told me it was rape that I realized it was. And even then, I felt worse about the fact that he didn't enjoy it (I was crying too much the first time; it distracted him) than I did about the fact that he had done that to me. And somewhere in that day and the weekend following it, I thought; "fuck this!"

So yes. I'm now a bad submissive. I suppose you can say it's part of my armor; if I don't like you enough to genuinely want you to have that much control over me, you'll find me feisty and playful. I'll never try to be rude or disobedient, but you'll hear a lot of loop holes and some friendly teasing. Yes I'll still do a lot of the kinky stuff with you, I'll do as I'm told, etc. But it will be because I want to, not just because you've told me to. This doesn't mean I'm a do me sub and I don't want to be beaten down; in fact, doing so will probably make me less submissive. This is just my playful, feisty and friendly nature. This is how I am 23 hours a day when my son and my vanilla life surrounds me; if you can't cope with that, if you think a submissive is someone who never says "no" and should walk around all day in a mini skirt and no panties, even in public or around their family, I'm DEFINITELY not the girl for you. And if you think the 112 rules that applied to your last girl will apply to me...well, you know what I'm about to say.

Anyways. That's my attitude towards submission.

I've just realized I'm using this site primarily to procrastinate against sorting my life out. I'm spending hours a day on here and am not happy about it. So, although I'll still be checking in from time to time, I won't be anywhere near as active, and am not currently looking for new dates. I have a couple of people I'm due to meet soon, and a couple more I'm talking to "with interest." 

Furthermore, I've been making a fair few bad choices regarding what I think and what I'm seeking. If I suddenly stop talking to you, it's because you were one of them. This isn't a comment against you; just against me, and if I dear John all of you it's gonna take me a looooooooooong time. So please, consider this you explanation.

"Pretty pictures are fun, Mr Giles, but one really ought to read the nice words, too."

Please, don't PM me telling me in text speak how sexy I am and expect me to drop to my knees. Seriously. Ew.

If you want a taste of that which possesses and commands me in the absence of a Dominant hand, start here and keep listening.