urbieman

"Sex is not a goal, it's a journey".  Good points made here, especially about communication:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/annanorth/7-tips-for-safe-and-happy-bdsm-sex

Opposites attract, including the "erotic demeanor" at night compared to "professional demeanor" by day within one person! Interesting read... http://www.streetdirectory.com/travel_guide/7784/dating_and_romance/sexual_tips___dominant_by_day_submissive_by_night.html

How's this for a Wall Street approach to becoming a Slave...???

I'm not too comfortable about my "owners" splitting up the proceeds of my life insurance.  Uhm... I'd worry about the meals I'd eat.

http://finance.yahoo.com/blogs/daily-ticker/sell-yourself-10-000-135455858.html

When faced with a problem or complicated situation it’s not uncommon for a person to ask friends for advice. But would you allow friends to make decisions about how to live your life? In 2008 Mike Merrill Merrill decided to split himself into 100,000 shares and set an initial public offering price of $1 per share. Shareholders would get voting privileges and decide what Merrill would do on a daily basis and on a grander scale.

Merrill started out by selling 929 shares to twelve of his friends. He paid $500 to a web developer to create a site with an online trading and voting platform. Within five years, Mike sold over 3,700 shares of himself and his stock price hit a high of $20.

Wired.com

Joshua Davis followed Merrill for over a year for an article featured in the April issue of Wired Magazine. Throughout that period Davis watched shareholders increase their control over many aspects of Merrill’s life.

“Over time the shareholders decided they wanted more and more control over his life,” he tells The Daily Ticker. “In fact, that was the value proposition to them. They think, ‘Okay, I can buy a share for $1 and I can tell him what to do.’”

Shareholders voted down a vasectomy, decided he would wear Brooks Brothers exclusively, that he must be a vegetarian and vote Republican. He even granted voting members the rights to his romantic life, approving every date he goes on and every girlfriend.

Courtesy of KmikeyM.comCourtesy of KmikeyM.com

When Merrill received a $100,000 life insurance policy through his job, shareholders voted that the money would be split amongst them when he passed away.

Shares in Merrill are not FDIC insured, and even Merrill considers himself a “high-risk” investment. While he has not faced any legal trouble yet, the shutdown of prediction markets in the U.S. may put his experiment on shaky ground. Merrill explains that none of this is legally binding on his Web site:

“It’s only as enforceable as I choose to make it. That’s why I describe it as a high-risk investment. If I choose to quit, everyone gets screwed over! If people think I’m going to do that, they should not buy shares! I advise most people not to buy shares until they’ve done their research."

Merrill has not profited very much from his project. Even though his shares have been worth up to a collective $1.2 million, he’s only pocketed about $10,000 from the endeavor.

“It’s not about generating profits, particularly, although that will likely happen: it’s about a group of people working towards the same goal," Merrill writes on his site. "By using an adapted structure of the market economy, you and I have a ready-built mechanism for operations, accountability, and measuring success that is not only well documented but also easily understood.”

Merrill has faced some personal issues due to his highly public life. His live-in girlfriend left him because she didn’t have a say in anything he did. Shareholders often vote down choices he wants to make, like working out more and eating meat. Merrill identifies as a straight male but shareholders have voted for him to go on a date with another man and with a polyamorous woman.

Losing enterprise over oneself can be difficult to deal with: shareholders can vote for Merrill to commit a crime, for example.

“[Merrill] says that if the shareholders vote it, he will do it,” says Davis. Still, “Merrill would say this has been a great boon to his existence. It’s crowdsourcing in a way, you bring in the crowd and you have all of these advisors who can weigh in on your life and help you make better decisions.”

Wired.com

Tell Us What You Think!

Got a topic you’d like covered? Have a guest you’d like to see interviewed? Send an email to: thedailyticker@yahoo.com.

You can contact the reporter on Twitter: @NicoleGoodkind.

You can also look us up on Twitter and Facebook.

Endorphins and Addiction  

The brain creates endorphins from exciting or happy experiences.  These act in a biochemical manner to create our sense of pleasure. Endorphins set our mood and sense of life satisfaction.  

Endorphins from intense sex gradually rewire the brain with anticipation of a "repeat".  Evolution created a "honeymoon effect" that seals a marriage over the dry spells after child birth, an illness or menopause. Spouses essentially become addicted to each other.  Remembering passionate sex and/or anticipating its return helps keep a husband loyal to his wife while enduring those dry spells. It helps keep a wife loyal to her husband who is overwhelmed by work, overseas in the military or starts "under-performing" due to meds or age. (I'm referring to the bond from base instincts, not higher ethics and integrity.)  When entering old age with its many health challenges and fatigue, fond memories of the pleasure of sex usually suffices when old bodies can't get it on any more.

Many years of viewing porn started to erode my own marriage bond based on enjoyment of plain vanilla sex.  The pleasant memories of our younger, early romance in marriage, became less of a balm for unsatisfied yearning. As unique individuals, we each change with time. The core character we have determines how we react to temptations.  Our curiosity and yearning is constrained only by our vows, integrity and social constraints. I am clearly tempted by BDSM, and fault no  one who follows that yearning.  For me however, it is a strong solvent to dissolve a plain vanilla marriage bond.

I am still able to control my desire to get further involved in The Scene.  That power to resist however, will likely fade... if I continue.  My previous Journal note explains why this matters to me as I approach my 60s.

Good sex produces endorphins that create our sense of pleasure.  For women, multiple orgasms flood their brains with endorphins.  Some women black-out from their final big orgasm following a build-up of smaller ones. Some of them report their black-out as an out-of-body experience. Some describe that as if they were touching God. My curiosity made me want to understand that, if not experience it for myself. I've never felt anything even close to that as a male lover.  Exploring my curiosity however, is not without consequences.

I'll illustrate consequences with a women I know who divorced her high-income husband of twenty years over this matter.  He was a good man and probably an above average lover but... he was very busy with his work. This distracted him from giving his wife the loving attention she needed. She eventually cheated, discovered superior lovers, and then craved the "Goddess orgasms" she experienced with them. These men were better skilled to delay their own orgasm while bringing her to many with their more sizable tools. She became a fan of a sex guru named David Deida who wrote many books like "Finding God Through Sex" and makes money giving seminars on the subject. (Does he give God a cut?)  (http://deida.info/) 

Like her husband, my friend's lovers were often highly successful, wealthy and married men. How they differed may be by their more competitive and aggressive nature. They had a greater male dominance than what was her husband's more nurturing, healing nature. Men with a socially dominant stature have a psychological appeal to woman who seek to become their mistress.

I previously thought men could not be pulled by an addiction to orgasm-induced endorphins, or the allure of a dominant male. I now think however, that a male submissive can become as addicted to BDSM, D/s submissiveness, cock sucking and annal sex as a Goddess is to finding God through orgasms.The mind is very complex with many psychological drivers... some endorphin triggered and other personality triggered. 

Drugs like cocaine also stimulate endorphins... on a very sudden and intense basis.  That intensity makes normal sources of happiness then seem boring. It leads to addiction to cocaine or to whatever produced the "high". The addict seeks the intensity of pleasure felt initially and keeps increasing his intake because the initial high no longer satisfies. The brain becomes rewired so that normal life experiences can't flood endorphins as the addict craves.

Addiction doesn't have to be related to booze or drugs.  An addiction to an endorphin high could easily result from a high risk activity like sky-diving, downhill skiing, car racing, even gambling... all being potentially addictive to some.

It is also possible that an intense, sexual experience that is often repeated might cause addiction in a similar way to drugs or dangerous hobbies.  Sex combined with BDSM submissive behavior similarly floods the brain with endorphins.  

It's confusing to a plain vanilla person how the brain creates endorphins from painful edge-experiences in BDSM. Most people try hard to avoid pain~! 

A submissive anticipates the BDSM scene ending in mind-blowing sex. Even without the sex, a sub ends a scene with a deeply felt sense of fulfillment.  The vanilla reader will wonder "fulfillment over what?"  The sub who did a scene well feels needed by his Dom, embraced and appreciated. The sub who was worked well at his edge feels gratitude to the dominant, admiration towards him or her and if a LTR, then often adoration and immense devotion.  The mere smell of their Dominant starts anticipation of that eventual flood of endorphins from a super-orgasm at the end of their scene. Sex is the reward for a submissive pushing their edge outward for accepting pain. The pain itself begins to cause a rise in endorphins from anticipation of satori sex and orgasmic nirvana.   

Pain becomes the equivalent of the sound of a bell in the Pavlov dog experiment.  That is a behavioral test that showed dogs can be conditioned to salivate for their food when a bell is rung.  The dogs connect the bell to being fed food.  Once that connection is established, then they will always salivate to the sound of a bell, even if the food is served much later or not served at all.  

Pavlov's dogs explain why a well practiced submissive feels endorphins (pleasure) from being hurt or humiliated by his dominant.  Such discipline also denies the submissive an orgasm during the punishment scene.  Their pain becomes the equivalent of the the bell for Pavlov's dogs.  When the Dominant allows his or her submissive to finally orgasm, it is the big reward for their enduring the pain their dominant subjected them to in the BDSM scene.   

Pavlov's bell reprogrammed the brains of his dogs to change the dog's behavior.  The sound of the bell itself became a reward for the dogs, creating excitement and saliva, even without the final reward of food. A trained submissive reacts to punishment as a gift of pleasure in the same way Pavlov's dogs consider the sound of the bell to be pleasure... a reward in its own right.  

Pain begins to produce endorphins in a submissive because he or she is anticipating their final reward of a super-charged orgasm.  Intense anticipation increases desire.  Desire is satiated by a bigger than normal orgasm ending the BDSM session or scene.   When nothing else in submissive's normal life can match those feelings, then it can form the basis of an addiction. 

I fear that I run two future risks from continuing my exploration of my kinky and bisexual desires: (1) falling mutually in love with some wonderful, gay man, who starts as just a sex partner or Dom, and (2) becoming addicted to submissiveness, BDSM pain and cock.  Either outcome would end my marriage and cause other potential harm to my vanilla life.  I do not condemn gay sex, same sex marriage or the pleasures of a submissive who wants the D/s scene to dominate his or her life. I just don't see myself as being able to limit my desires for them to a balanced role in my life. 

I know my priority today. It is to love, cherish and honor my straight wife and effectively perform my husband's duties to her of support, care and attention.  Enjoying the Scene outside of marriage was just supposed to be occasional recreation. 

Maybe there's no near term risk of me falling in love with a recreational sex partner, or of becoming a D/s addict needing sensual slavery.  Maybe long term it will still seem to be a controllable risk... but it will be a rising risk.  It CERTAINLY does not remain a static, low-odds risk over time. In reality, my internal conflicts will surely become more and more intense.  There are two unknowable factors:  (1) by how much will my yearning for the intense, extramarital orgasms increase, and (2) will I be able to pull back before hitting a  tipping-point where I'd lose control?  I can't know either answer right now. No-one can. It's like skating toward thin ice... just don't go there.  Only a fool thinks he can keep such rising risk forever under control.

One's brain functions and desires do not remain static throughout a long life. Evolution programmed our DNA to make the brain change our behavior. It does so in response to stimuli that creates biochemical influences. Other triggers come from aging... menopause or "manopause".   Repeated, intensely felt emotional experiences of pleasure, pride, fear and humiliation can reprogram human behavior and sexual desire.  I'm merely going to manage the nature of my own future experiences to keep them less intense and always connected to being a good husband.

A SUBMISSIVE CHOOSES TO SUPPRESS PRIDE, SELFISHNESS AND EGO TO BE MEEK,HUMBLE AND LOYAL

THE ABOVE IS NO DIFFERENT THAN BEING MARRIED IN A STRAIGHT, PLAIN VANILLA MARRIAGE

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I am married to an elderly, straight woman who is not the least interested in The Scene or in sex.   Yes... yes, I was dumb enough at first to think I could combine my vanilla married life with my evolution into kink through a mutually agreed-to open marriage. That way, I could be happy and I felt that she could still feel secure.  We would continue to enjoy our time together... happy ever-after.  That my CM friends, is a male fantasy. It ignores the feminine psyche of a traditional wife in marriage. 

I have sufficient self control now to withdraw from The Scene before my brain is reprogrammed as was Pavlov's dogs. (Read my next Journal note to understand that.) I've therefore ended active exploration of my sensual and sexual potential that I started a month or so ago when I came-out to my wife as a bisexual submissive.  I came-out to be an authentic person and today, frankly, wish I had not.   Sure, I now accept who I am. but ...  I understand far better how her mind works too. My coming-out hurt her far deeper than I had though was possible, and that pains me deeply for my doing so.

To be an authentic man ultimately means to live one's values and keep one's commitments. That's certainly how my wife defined me as being a man superior to average Joes and worthy to marry several decades ago.   My character is far more important to me than sexual gratification... however sexually frustrated I may feel today. My decision to stay married is not at all a hard one to make... today. 

What was very hard for me was to accept was that eventually, my emotions could destroy my values if an "open-marriage" allowed me to develop my erotic needs into a new lifestyle. That makes it easy for me to now impose limitations.  Yes it's for her but because she exists, it is also for me.  I define my life by relationships, where she is #1, and by my character, where integrity counts more than pride or pleasure. 

I'm neither a hero nor someone to pity.  Like many men, I challenge myself to push the edge of my manly potential outward.  It's not so much a goal to become a better man. It's just what manly men do. That drive is a core attribute to masculinity. If I succeed, then admire me. If I fail then condemn or pity me.

The Bible quote on love is often read in weddings... so often the real point of it was long ago lost.  It is not just about marriage.  It is the details of how God expects us to love our neighbor as we do ourselves.  It is how we should relate to all others, not just our beloved. The Bible indeed communicates a tall order from God to mankind.

If I can not succeed to love my own wife in the manner described above, than how can I hope to love mankind as God instructs? To love my wife as it seems God expects of men, I must stay connected not just by vows, but from insight to, respect and affection for one another.

Two outside sources of data confirmed my decision to "live straight" even while acknowledging to my wife my gay yearnings. I bought many books about straight wives & bisexual husbands in open marriages. (An open marriage was what I was seeking.) An open-marriage would offer me an outlet for the alternative sex that I wanted which my wife has no interest in at all.  I expected to read about, well...  at least a few open-marriage success stories, along with some failures.  To my dismay, these books uniformly showed that most couples trying make an open marriage succeed eventually ended-up in a bitter divorce.   

My reading made me realize I'm highly unlikely to juggle opposing desires and maintain balance and control over time.  

I do not have a right to ask my wife to bear the sadness that my bisexual, BDSM fantasies would cause her over years, just to eventually face a divorce anyway. A young couple can divorce, start over, and hopefully find happiness and security again in life.  Some wives are able to recover from their pain of betrayal to trust a new man, and marry again. Many never do.  At my wife's age, starting over is not possible.  I refuse to consider divorce as an option.  So I deal with my reality. I have no regret or complaint about that. My life has been blessed by her.  

I read an interesting statistic in those books that validates my wife's fear.   Here's what I read: Married women who come out to their husbands as being lesbian overwhelmingly choose to divorce soon afterwards. Many husbands propose an open-marriage as a "solution". Most lesbian wives do not want  an open-marriage. They divorce as soon as they confirm their homosexuality. They don't pretend to be "bi-sexual". They are in touch with their emotional I.Q.

Men in the reverse, coming-out as bi-sexual, tend to deny that they are gay... often for many years.  They insist they are only seeking carnal recreation.  Some "bisexual" husbands won't kiss other men to deny any romantic attraction, but they suck cock and get fucked, so what is more intimate than that?  This denial and delay causes an unnecessary painful period and a loss of opportunity to move on for both spouses. Eventually, the bisexual man can no longer deny he is gay, decides to divorce and moves on as a gay man.  This usually occurs as a shock to him.  His logical plan was to enjoy outside sex with men as just a body function for recreation. His plan blows up when he falls deeply in love with another man.  Emotion trumps logic every time.  Being hard to hide, his love for his gay life partner further alienates him from a long suffering, deeply hurt wife.  Divorce is not just inevitable but understandably, becomes very bitter and ugly.  His angry wife feels that she was betrayed twice.

Regardless of my gender-bending, I still have a very male mind and an ego to go with it.  Men compartmentalize issues and emotions. We rationalize that sex and love can be dealt with separately.  Love is the psychological intimacy and attachment that I now have with my wife.  Passion is what I want to share with other men as a recreational body function, and as submissive, psychological relief.  It is doubtful that any man could keep that separation of their roles in the long term. 

This male thinking made me actually believe I could combine a straight wife and vanilla home life, with a sanctioned "relief activity" for my gay & BDSM desires.  My wife is advanced in age and has no interest in sex. My male mind rationalized that I cold provide all her current life needs and also have mine satisfied so that we both remain happy. Male logic let me easily justify my wants as being a "fair compromise" between us both.   What I neglected was her emotional need for feeling that my love for her was secure, and would remain secure. 

Every wife knows the vulnerability of their husband to another woman.  At least a wife can try to compete sexually with a woman interloper, but how can she compete with a man?  This explains a wife's emotional reaction to her husband announcing that he is bi, gay, or wants an open-marriage for BDSM sex.  Women have a default need for their spouse to remain monogamous, even when they themselves are done with sex for life. This need is programmed by evolution into feminine DNA. 

That's why men hate to acknowledge their human weakness to emotions... fear, inadequacy, jealousy and desire. Men honor will power, but emotions have a way of circumventing or undermining masculine will power.  It is beyond their control where losing control is frightening and shameful to a man.  Such vulnerability is as shameful to men as say, premature ejaculation! What is deemed as lacking is the self discipline that comprises the core of masculine character. Men are usually shocked at how weak we are to our own emotions, and how vulnerable we are to others' emotions.  Emotions easily blow apart the logic men trust to justify male wants as being worth taking risks to obtain or achieve. 

It would be better for a sexually frustrated husband to pay a professional for occasional sex. Actually, the point is one does not pay for the sex... one pays them to leave when finished and not wreck your life. At least that's the theory. It may not always work that way if the wife does not approve ...or the man has enemies or a jealous public who seek dirt to discredit him.

To women, their sensitivity to emotional attachments exist at their top tier of awareness.  They can smell the danger of it. The female's emotional awareness is also statistically correct when it comes to love and relationships.  

To men, having an emotional I.Q. is not our priority.  In fact, many men view emotions as weakness, or a sign of being a sissy.  Sensitivity to emotional motivations, especially infatuation and neediness, fall into the bottom tier of masculine awareness, well... unless a man is aroused by a women he wants to fuck!  Men consider determination and toughness as being essential masculine skills... not sensitivity to emotions.

When I came-out, I expected my wife to be unhappy about it. I know that she'd worry what it meant to her.  She'd want me to pull me back to be her "normal" husband again (... and she does!). What I did not anticipate was her deeply felt pain of loss.  This went far beyond what seemed "logical" to me as a man.  My initial thinking was:

"What loss? I haven't done anything yet. I am not cheating on you with a gay lover.  I'm not going to leave you.  I still love you. I enjoy our life together. I always will. This is just sexual relief. Recreation. You don't want sex.  I thought this out. I'm communicating my needs with you before taking any action. I'll stay in control. I'll manage the risks. I'll become a happier, more peaceful husband.  Why can't you see it this way? You'll be fine in time."

Well, I can understand now what I was blind to just a short while ago with my above reaction.  My wife trusted that I believed my above words when I spoke them with masculine logic. She did not assume that I was lying and deceiving her just until I'd leave her.  She knew from human nature however, that I'd only stay in control until the day I no longer could.  She know that I was deceiving myself.

My wife feared the real risk of me someday feeling an emotional attachment to a man that would be greater than what I feel for her now.  She felt this risk as a current loss. Perhaps it resembles the reality of a military wife saying goodbye to her husband whose unit is being deployed to the most dangerous battle-front where there is a high risk of him dying. 

I strongly denied to my wife any possibility I would lose control and "die" to her.  I could not imagine that as a concern... until I read of one account after another of "open marriages" that ended exactly that way.  My wife knows my nature better than I know myself. She also knows that she'd live in fear of the day that I'd finally want a divorce... until that day finally happens.  All that while, she'd hide seething anger at my ego and self-deception for assuming I could "remain my present self".  How could anyone believe they will not change their thinking after a few years of addictive, emotionally transforming sexual activities?

For me, it is best I do not explore my gay and BDSM submissive desires further.  Doing so will likely cement them into a confirmed emotional bias as a gay sub. That outcome will either hurt me and my future male lover who I abandon to stay unhappily married to a bitter, angry wife, or destroy my elderly wife by divorcing her to move on.

I stopped rationalizing my needs with male logic when I listened to my wife's heart, and acknowledged her fears. I finally saw how her feelings were not just "emotions". She saw human nature as it really is, while I was deluding myself with self-centered logical rationalizations that would later blow-up in my face. Be careful of your rationalizations. Human relationships are not a logic riddle.

So... back to my old vanilla married life... well, maybe spiced up with a little new, "gleeful", kink just between my wife and I!   She has also learned some things from this painful excursion. She will try to revive her sexual playfulness within her physical limits caused by age.  We promised each other to refocus on creating age-appropriate sexual delight, enough to last us through our final days.

I now basically say goodbye to CM followers. My thanks to you who have corresponded with me.

Be well,

Urbieman

Here is an excellent commentary on the brain and gender identity by a transexual M2F writer: 

http://heartcorps.com/subversive/sub007/mental_relativity.htm

Being Safe with Enemas

Good advice found here: http://www.zity.biz/docs/english/enemas/information/klismaphilia-playing-safe.html

Never use hose enemas connected to the shower. Too much pressure can blow up your insides.

BDSM and Spirituality 

Patrick Califia wrote an introduction to Guy Baldwin's book "Slave Craft ".  On page 20, he wrote:  

"...S/M relationships are actually... about mysticism, and the self-discipline that is necessary if one wishes to behold the blissful face of one's creator.   ...erotic slavery has become a sort of lay monkhood, and the Master an archetype of the kind of divinity that remakes a mortal man and ushers him into a new state of being. To say this is, I am aware, blasphemy... in an age when religion has been evoked to justify... heinous crimes against the weak and disregarded, [but] we must sometimes become heretics if we are going to achieve purity, understanding or transcendence."  

I really liked the above.

The "orchestra conductor" type of Dom

In essence, I'd trust and be most satisfied and fulfilled by the "orchestra conductor" type of Dom... someone valuing precision, tempo, movement, who can progress in his domination of a sub from Adagio – slow and stately, to Allegro – fast, quickly and bright. He should be the type who guides and coordinates different but mutually supported outcomes desired by each side of the D/s relationship.  Obviously, we're talking about a Dom's attitude and behavior... what drives Him and how he'd drive me, rather than his wearing a tux... although a conductor's wand might be useful for caning!

Being Annonomous ~ The Advantage of Collar Me.com 

The appeal of CM is that I can remain anonymous... so there won't be photos of me here. I am a "Beta" male and prefer to be low key in life anyway. I ask you to respect that. Despite Los Angeles, California being politically pro-gay, kinkophobia still abounds even in the LGBT community! I will say that my data (age, weight etc.) is accurate. I have global travel & overseas living experience, an advanced education and a long career.  I enjoy my career job and vanilla life.

Okay... so What am I? 

I have more switches than an airline cockpit.  My gender identity is like an ever changing ocean tidal wetland that is under water at high tide, then reverts to dry land at low tide. That analogy is not to suggest that I also have crabs!    So can one label me?  I am somewhat polymorphous. I have enjoyed to cross-dress, but I can not be a woman, even fully think like one.  I assumed I was a bisexual switch able to enjoy straight sex with my wife or gay sex. I now doubt that can remain a stable condition.  I decided to back away from my gay side... not to condemn it, just to contain it. I also explored my submissive side in BDSM, and liked it. There's nothing confusing about me. My problem is only if I run for president, all that won't fit on a bumper sticker!

I am an aging male who yearns to be the smooth, sensuous and masculine lover who use to swoon my wife and fuck her to orgasms. Did you ever see the 1994 movie Don Juan deMarco with Johnny Depp and Marlon Bando? ("Every woman is a mystery to be solved...") "> I use to be that Johnny Depp character in my youth, but with my wife. Now I fear becoming the Marlon Brando character.  I am fighting to resist deadness of the soul!  

When my older wife's erotic mind shut down from age, mine seemed to decide to run on alternative fuels. I wish to be a dashing M2F top, but my fucked-up inner Don Juan also is drawn to being an M2M bottom, a BDSM leather sub and a CD.  Yes I know... being a Leather sub and femboy don't mix.   Conflicts conflicts! 

It doesn't matter what I might be.  What I am is married to an elderly straight wife, and honoring my vow to her.  Above whatever my erotic mind is drawn to, I am her husband first, and identify myself foremost as a man with integrity... where the price of a non-existent sex life is just a consequence of worthwhile life choices made many decades ago.

"Temporary Tatoos"... some new dangers. 

Think a temporary tatoo will be the final addition to your "look"?  

Read this first:  http://shine.yahoo.com/beauty/caution--some-temporary-tattoos-leave-permanent-scars--184102247.html

How Finding One's "Center" Converts Chaos and Anger Into Beauty and Estascy 

I cut and pasted the text below from this link on Tantra: http://oshosatori.ru/en/oshobooks/35-tantrathesupremeunderstanding/185-theinnatetruth.html 

The following relates in my mind to the intangible skills and quality of a Top Dom. 

[block quote]:  

In noise and in harmony, what is the difference? The same sound waves arranged in a different way. In a noise there is no center; the notes are the same. A madman playing on the piano; the notes are the same, the sound is the same, but a madman playing – it has no center to it. If you can give center to noise it becomes music, then it converges on a center and everything becomes organic. 

If a madman is playing on the piano, then every note is separate, individual; it is a crowd of notes, not a melody. And when a musician plays on the same piano with the same fingers, there comes an alchemical change: now the same notes have fallen into a pattern, the same notes have joined into an organic unity, now they have a center to them. Now they are not a crowd, now they are a family; a subtle love joins them together – now they are one. And that is the whole art: to bring notes into a loving phenomenon – they become harmonious.
Tantra says you are a noise right now as you are. Nothing is wrong in it – simply you don’t have a center. Once you have a center, everything falls in line, and everything becomes beautiful. When Gurdjieff gets angry it is beautiful. When you get angry it is ugly. Anger is neither ugly nor beautiful. When Jesus gets angry it is sheer music – even anger. When Jesus takes a whip in the temple and chases out the traders, out of the temple, there is a subtle beauty to it.  

Even Buddha lacks that beauty; Buddha seems to be one-sided. It seems anger has nothing in it to play; the tension of anger, the salt of it is not there. Buddha doesn’t taste as good as Jesus. Jesus has a little salt in him, he can get angry – even his anger has become part of his whole being; nothing has been denied, everything has been accepted.

On Experiencing Cross Deressing

I've recently tried cross dressing and received my wife's assistance. I thought it was interesting, amusing... I enjoyed it, and pondered whether I looked better as an old dame than an aging guy! Modern breast forms are quite something!  Pierced nipples don't hurt... I can even switch between different stick on nipple sets! My male mind reacts like a kid building a model airplane from a kit!

Certainly when en femme, I am far more conscious of my posture, appearance and deportment than as a guy. I also have to remember to smile naturally like most women do. So much to remember!  (Also,, no farting like a guy!)  Just walking en femme... WOW!... sensuous, naughty, thrilling; nothing like I feel in motion as a mature guy.

I also gained an appreciation that no man can feel for the cost, time and struggle that women go through to look good for us guys. (...or is it just for themselves... dressing up to impress each other?  I did feel an odd desire to just hang out with other genfemmes and CD/TG/TV/TS girls to talk about shoes and store sales!) 

Men: wearing heels is hell! ~ combine high heels with a pencil skirt and a corset, and a woman is in tight bondage without a Dom or a dungeon! So... don't be a clueless brute.  Buy your girl more shoes and cloths before buying your dungeon more rope, gags and handcuffs! 

On experiencing A Leather Club For My 1st Time 

I believe I'm a natural Leather club submissive in BDSM.  I visited a Leather club recently to find this out though granted, one experience is not definitive.  I spent time listening to the senior DM talk with other Tops.  I watched the scenes underway. The senior DM was gracious enough to take my questions when he seemed free.  At the end of the evening at my request, this Leatherman tied my arms and caned my ass fairly hard with a rattan, then gave my chest some clothspins and a heavy flogging.

I felt a cathartic sense of satisfaction from my surrender.  I gladly put aside my normal responsibilities and burderns. I instantly fell into the moment... as a skydiver does when leaving the plane.  The pain that jolted my mind began to sink me into a sub-space frame of mind, a tangible essence I felt I could feel at will after the scene ended. 

It's not just about feeling pain.  There's a desire to endure it for a worthy purpose... to please my Top, and to learn my sense of presence, face fears, and embrace submission with purpose to transcend. 

This has similarity to religions describing a breakthrough of enlightenment, such as revelation of the Spirit for Christians or Buddhist satori. Both require the submission of one's ego to serve others as our purpose in life.  Certainly having a highly worthy purpose is how women endure the pain of child birth. (I know... the degree of pain I felt getting an ass whooping was nowhere near that,  barely even symbolic.)

A Leatherman's skill at delivering the right amount, pace, anticipation, and placement of pain is important to producing endorphins in a sub along with a glowing, burning ass.  It is the endorphins that make this sub experience transendental, and not torture. The more skill a Top Leatherman has at stimulating that edge experiences balancing pain, yearning and pleasure, the more he becomes an agent of the divine, holding the keys to his sub's bliss.

Masochism is not about self-loathing. It is seeking an erotic high that I can not achieve from normal sex... or at least not feel as rapidly as blows come from a swishing cane! It seems well suited to me as a mature male. I have studied the qualities of being a superior straight lover and traversed that path in my past sex life over a long marriage.  I'm now seeking new erotic fulfillment to replace that pleasure.  I need to feel more alive than from just fondly remembering my past love life.

Damn... more health news to pay attention to. 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/19/brazilian-waxing-increase-sti-risk_n_2907546.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false#sb=1108812,b=facebook 

Ladies, you don't want to nick your skin when shaving down there.  Better have a guy do it for you... one that shaves every morning, not guys wearing the 5:00 shadow now derigur with Hollywood stars.

What Drives The D/s Relationship?

Allow me to rewrite the red banner in my Profile pic to reflect what I think. 

A Dom needs to feel admired as a Superior Male. He wants subs who feel driven to serve him with obedience and affection because they seek his superior nature.  Superior does not mean more worthy in God's eyes, but a man who maximizes his masculine potential for greatness. A reflection of masculine greatness is a Dom's ability to edge and fuck his sub into an ocean of endorphins... sub-space. 

I am less clear what Dominas seek.  Are they portraying a masculine essence or a unique Goddess essence?  Are they as worthy of submitting to, no different than to a Dom, or are they angry feminists just seeking to spit on men?  It clearly seems a different flavor to submission, and perhaps an entirely different psychological meal.  I ponder that.  Comments are welcomed.

A sub welcomes his Dom's lifestyle guidance. A slave welcomes total control. Sometimes the "s" knows that they are lacking and need this.  Other times, a sub is quite capable of managing life on his own. So why defer to a Dom's judgment?  His Dom is shaping him to serve the Dom's life needs and fantasies, and to have the health and stamina to be a sub or a slave.  The Dom is also stripping the "s" of all pride and ego, making his surrender complete.  This always makes an "s" vulnerable to evil..  Being too trusting is in the nature of submission.  The Dom therefore must protect his property from the predators and dangers that lurk in The Life. That's much appreciated by even the most self-assured sub.

An intelligent "s" does more than serve a Dom based ONLY on commands.  Even a slave does not just respond to commands.  The "s" has empathy and shows insight to a Master's needs & desires.   In an LTR, a slave becomes aware of his Master's vulnerabilities. It's no different than for straight married spouses who become aware of each others' weaknesses.  The "s" will never use them against his "D/M".  A valuable "s" will politely advise his "D/M" about where he may be harmed.

It is the essence of many powerful leaders in business, politics or the military. They often seek a close working confidant as an assistant or 2nd in command... someone who silently helps them achieve their greatness but seeks no credit for doing so. 

Why is  a sub driven to such loyalty? Partly, it relates to the difference between a sub's beta personality that values humility and service, and a Dom's Alpha swagger and ego that values leadership, control, and recognition. That's essentially based on where the cards fell in each man's past nurture (childhood) and nature (DNA). To paraphrase Lord Acton ever so slightly, power attracts; and absolute power attracts absolutely. 

It is also biochemically driven in the sub's brain.  A sub can not cum with satisfaction unless a skilled Dom manages his arousal by controlling his body. The Dom then makes a sub's endorphins flood, creating a form of addiction for better or for worse. 

A sub wants to be meek and humble.  A Dom trains him to perfection in this with humiliation and pain to break down any remaining pride. Humility is tested, evidenced and instilled by symbolic, often graphic, humiliation in a scene. It's no different than how Christian religion require kings through antiquity to humble themselves, kneeling in prayer to a superior God... of course seeking God's divine support of the King's army in battle!

The "s" craves that what happens next to him will be up to his Dom. A sub's sensory awareness transfers that surrender, submission and pain into arousal.  A Dom heightens a sub's arousal by orchestrating those emotions and senses with skill, and denying orgasm.  There is no "direction" by a sub, no focus on his past, the future or his current life burdens. He just dances to his Dom's music.  To imagine otherwise would be like a flute player in an orchestra interrupting a concert to correct the conductor on his tempo and direction.  

Being in sub-space means anticipating the next blow, the next humiliation, accepting and processing pain and embarrassment until it does not hurt or offend any more.  Why an "s" does so is to please his Dom.   A sub needs to excite and satisfy his "D" to bring him to peak where fucking tips the ecstatic scale, and is followed by the wind-down intimacy where each feels the after-glow of satisfaction. 

The goal for any Dom is of course to please himself and ventilate his emotional core.  Nothing's wrong with a Dom being centered on his needs.  It's like the free commerce system which rests on profit as a motivator. We all need motivators to spur specific action that we want others to do.  The Dom and the sub each have their own unique drivers seeking satisfying outcomes in their soulful realms. One side is not more deserving than the other of the outcome they seek.  

A sub is first seduced when he observes and admires a Dom's Masculine Character Traits. He respects the "Dom" position as being symbolic of the concept of a "superior male".  What comprises this is a man being competitive, mission-focused to a flaw, pushing-out his edge or limits, dominating competitors and being acknowledged for greatness by other such Alpha males. 

The sub want to please his Dom so both can achieve the masculine drive to challenge one's limits, prevail, and even defy death. What is football if not a pseudo death-match?  Why else to men love violent movies, or boys play violent video games. Men are focused on defeating challengers, and death is the ultimate challenger. 

The Dom seeks to be recognized and needed by others. The sub seeks to be wanted, hell... cherished, by his Dom as the empowerment his Dom needs to achieve an elite status as Alpha male.

A sub is not a failure as a man...  a sub may be bound, but it takes strength and self confidence to fully humble oneself, endure bondage, pain and hard fucks.  A sub has part of the superior masculine soul... the need to test his limits and keep pushing his limits outward... but does so to serve his Dom. It takes strength to suffer and swallow not just cock, but one's pride and ego to serve another.  The key is the latter... a sub is not a weak sissy being raped as a victim. He is a strong volunteer seeking to serve another he holds in high esteem. That, in my earlier journal notes, can be compared to greatest leader in history... Jesus Christ.    

A sub's satisfaction lasts longer than the welts on his ass if his Dom takes pride in him as a prized relationship. A Dom may refer to his sub as property, a possession... but a skilled sub becomes treasured by a Dom who is truly self aware. That sub possess his Dom in a soft bondage of his heart. That is a relationship every sub dreams to achieve, and I hope that many do so.

The D/s need for each other is symbiotic. It is programmed into each of their DNA. A good match leads to bliss for each as a lasting emotional connection. It is a partnership that while not a friendship of equals, can be as deep as a brotherhood of warriors facing their final battle to the death together.

The D/s relationship has been criticized as a co-dependency relationship.  Of course it is, but it no more needs to be "treated" as a psychosis and "cured" than does the most passionate, straight marriage.  In fact, it should be celebrated as much as a long marriage is when the well-aged couple is honored at their 50th anniversary by younger marrieds as a "great demonstration of the human potential for connection and love".

These authors have written good books on the psychological underpinnings of the D/s and BDSM life.

Peter Masters:This Curious Human Phenomenon: An Exploration of Some Uncommonly Explored Aspects of BDSM

Guy Baldwin: Ties That Bind: The SM/Leather/Fetish Erotic Style: Issues, Commentaries and Advice and  SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude--Principles, Skills and Tools

Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome (PSAS)

Here's a you tube that I wonder whether to believe or not.  If true, then are these 50 orgasms a day rewiring her brain into an addiction to endorphins?  I'm curious to learn more about her "cure" and if she experiences a classic drug withdrawal endorphin craving reaction when her spontaneous  orgasms suddenly end.  

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Published on Mar 14, 2013

"EMPEROR"

My wife and I saw the movie "Emperor" yesterday.  It relates to the theme of "submission". 

BDSM teaches an individual like me, an educated,  professionally successful man, how to surrender my swagger and ego. I submit to my Dom in service to He who guides, trains and controls me for his needs and objectives.  

The end of the Pacific War in 1945 caused an entire nation, Japan, to "switch" from a being a "Dom" to becoming a "sub, if not a "Slave", with one announcement from their Emperor.  

Japan in 1945 was a failed Alpha Aggressor nation. It was controlled by the warrior cult of their military who believed Japanese were racially superior to other nationalities and destined to rule... or die trying.  Failure was shame, and shame merited death by suicide attacks or seppuku ("harakiri)... suicide by one's own sword. It was inconceivable to Japan's military leaders that their people could switch to be a passive, submissive slave of their American conquerors.  Death for every Japanese would have been preferable. The nation's war leaders were committed to that goal and expected their ravished nation to follow suit.

Amercans think the power of their atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki scared Japan's leaders into surrender.  Quite the contrary.  It was a gift to the militarists in power.  They would have preferred that America rid all Japanese of their shame of failure by blanketing the entire country with atomic bombs, leaving no Japanese alive to feel their depth of shame. 

Japan's military intended to continue fighting as decimated Alpha warriors until death... following their "never-surrender" samurai tradition.  With that outcome, the U.S. would have to invade Japan in a long struggle of endless hand to hand combat and suicide charges by starving housewives and children.  It would make vanquishing the Taliban from Afghanistan seem like child's play.  America would have no choice but to accept Russia's help in a massive invasion of the Japanese islands.  Had that happened, Japan as a nation would be divided like Korea is today.  That division would have changed the history of the cold war.  The Japanese people's never ending resistance to America would lead to a dilution or end of Japanese as a unique genetic race... just as China is doing today in Tibet through intermarriage with immigrant Chinese.

Japan had to first surrender emotionally and mentally in order to surrender physically to the Americans.  Japanese of that era were raised to hate foreigners as evil and fear them as wishing them harm or extermination.  As a nation, Japanese would have to make a 180 degree shift to trust Americans as occupiers.  There's that word trust, so often mentioned as the key in any D/s relationship. 

So, for the first time in Japan's long history, their Emperor spoke directly to the public.  The Emperor released Japanese from their duty to him to die fighting. He told them to
bear the unbearable" as a homogenous nation of submissives. They chose to suffer in unison the pain of their humiliating defeat and its devastating cost in life and national wealth.  They accepted, and eventually welcomed, being dominated by America as a foreign conqueror who reordered their society and its institutions. They came out of it later of course, as an economic super power allied with and aided by their former occupying conqueror.  When historians look back, the occupation of Japan reveals much about the national character both of the Japanese and of Americans. Too bad the latter lesson seems lost on the Muslim world today.

Occupied Japan was a D/s relationship unparallelled in history. It was tied in Iraq and Afghanistan but failed. America's swagger and dominance as a conqueror now seems offset by political correctness by our political leadership and media. 

Perhaps the only lesson from this history is for Doms... that for all their Alpha power, their "success" at domination really  comes down to a sub deciding for his or her own reasons to seek and welcome submission. A wise Dom respects those reasons and nourishes what motivates his sub.

Anyway, I recommend the movie to anyone interested in history, Japan, or what I just wrote above.

TO WRITERS AND POETS 

As you well know, the "50 Shades" trilogy boos are block buster sellers.  They sold over 35 million copies in 9 months last year, and news recently says over 70 million copies have been sold.  It will soon be made into a movie. That tale will reshape public opinion about our ways, probably for the better, but not without some problems. 

The story's characters Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele will become common references in vanilla households. Each character however, portrayed an abnormal psychosis ("childhood baggage") that colors "The Life" in a distorted manner.  The vanilla reader or movie viewer will assume we must be nut cases of co-dependency and unresolved child abuse or neglect to embrace the life. The story implies that psychoanalysis and devoted but vanilla love will cure the D/s "problem". 

If you are a writer, I would especially appreciate  creating a dialogue! I will furnish my NDA if you wish to flesh out plot ideas. 

Writing a book may be something I will pursue to burn off my unsatisfied sexual energy. I would not steal your plot any more than you would mine (but if you would, then fuck off).  My story is also about a rich man's transformation and spiritual redemption.  

Transformation such as the "50 Shades" story is an ageless theme that can be applied to any setting or lifestyle. With engaging characters and settings, it will always fascinate the reading public.  Whatever books sell well will also appeal to Hollywood... so protect your property rights! 

Writers and potential authors... quit reading here and get typing!  Finish your book then work on your Oscar acceptance speech (and remember to thank Urbieman!)

SEX and ZEN

I enjoy giving (and receiving!) a massage. During a massage, I like to play ancient bamboo flute music called "Komuso"... hypnotic and healing sounds used by Japanese Buddhist monks to cure sick people in ancient times. (These monks were believed to use spiritual magic to draw the illness out of the sick into themselves, and then vanquish the disease by their spiritual enlightenment.)

Here's the connection to sex and BDSM... playing the bamboo flute could fast forward for monks what otherwise would take Zen practitioners ten or more hours of silent meditation. Conscious breathing is important in bamboo flute playing, just as it is with Zen meditation and with martial arts.

The exhaling of breath bears with it the possible achievement of instant spiritual enlightenment. To monk flute players, their  "performance" for listeners was hypnotic music but what is hypnotic for the flute player is the intake of breath or its very slow release, making a delicate eerie tone from the flute, or the explosion of air via the flute.

This  self-control of breath fits into the context of a bigger spiritual life. It also helps one to cope with a high pain / high stress event, such as child birth.  There is an interesting thing about that painful life event... some women doing "natural" child birth experience orgasms with their pain during delivery. Can any of your mothers on CM comment on that? 

If I get to explore BDSM as a sub, I hope to enhance apply breathing awareness to my sessions... integrating a focus on breathing with my experience of pain to open the door to sub-space estascy.

ORGASMIC BLISS, FEMALE BLACK OUTS & MENTAL ORGASM FOR MEN 

I have read books by David Dieda on sexuality and gender psychology.  He wrote about how men can focus our sexual energy up our spine to our brain... kind of reconnecting our little head with our big head!  He claims men can achieve "multiple mental orgasms" before finally choosing when to cum, big time.  

Does any guy really do that? It is sure something I'd like to figure out... just haven't done so yet. Oh, I know how to delay cumming... think about tax returns. The idea of Deida is to think about the woman's pleasure and her rising arousals, feeling orgasm #1, #2 , #3...  In other words, the male Top must humble his ego as NOT being the most important need to satisfy.  Gee, that sounds like D/s sub training!  If you have advice on this, then please write me about it.

What I'm referring to as mental orgasms for men seems to relate to Neotantra, or tantric sex as a modern, western variation of tantra.

The goddess women I know who have high erotic I.Q.s and easily orgasm say that they use their orgasmic potential to "feel the divine" (i.e.,God, heaven, ultimate bliss).  This is what attracts women followers to David Dieda, who created a cult of "finding God through sex". I've also heard this discussed in yoga circles by women.

I prefer modern applied psychology techniques without the traditional Indian Tantric rituals or yoga.  That's part of what I'm aiming for in my erotic explorations... learning to have multiple, expanding, male, mental (dry) orgasms before the big one.

As a question for ladies... one CM journal that I read claimed that the endorphins from having transcendent orgasms, launching one into the divine subspace, becomes as addictive as cocaine or herion.  A good Dominant is skilled at arousal, orgasm denial and finally allowing his femme sub explosive release though continual orgasms heightened by pain.  This super-orgasm causes the female sub's brain to rewire like a drug addict.  A woman then deadens to ordinary orgasms and craves like an addict what only her Dominant can provide her as an endorpin high. This leads her to seeking LTR D/s slavery or BDSM whoredom, despite her not intending that at the outset. 

Is this really a woman sub's fate?  If so, that doesn't not sound as sweet as communing with the Divine through orgams.  Goddesses of the divine orgasms... care to enlighten me about your endorphin addiction?  Can sweet, ordinary, romantic sex ever satisfy you again?

The culture of the "ALPHA MALE" and

Relating the D/s Relationship To Christian Faith 

The "Alpha Male" is obviously not just found in BDSM as Doms.  It's in sports, politics, business, military, martial arts, even evangelical churches.  Alpha males (and today females) are often what move an agenda or power clique forward in society.  They often change the world for better or for worse (i.e. Hitler, Stalin etc.)

I'm a "beta"male.  Beta males generally live longer than do Alphas who die too young from heart attacks caused by their stressful character.   A "beta male" can lead and often makes a good leader.  They don't burn themselves out quickly as Alpha males tend to do. Betas don't sour their troops, who often follow Alphas out of fear or greed but rarely from devotion and commitment. 

Beta males often create better "buy-in" from their followers which is something Alphas usually can't do as well.  Betas have better empathy and communication skills. 

As a sub, I might say I am seeking a "Superior Alpha male" to top me, but what I really mean is a Dom with an intelligent, strong beta male's mind.  That means my dom must have the sophistication to live with Alpha male dominance but with the "Beta male's care" for his sub.

So here is a question about the greatest possible Beta male leader in human history. Please note that (1) No...I'm not trying to convert you and  (2) you don't have to be religious or Christian to opine, since the basic story of Jesus Christ is well known. What was Jesus Christ the man... an "Alpha" male or a "Beta" male?  My answer is a little Alpha to his 12 disciples, and when he drove the vendors and money changers out of the temple courtyard with anger, while wielding a whip... but otherwise Jesus totally beta, especially to the public and authorities.  Jesus humbled himself to serve others in a manner that few humans ever volunteer to do, even M/s slaves.

The Bible has many references to the Disciples of Jesus, particularly Peter and the later Apostle Paul, as being "servants of Christ", "bond-servants" of Christ, and even "slaves" of Christ.  The term "slave" used in modern life, given American history, is abhorrent. In ancient times however, slavery was just a fact of life. It was a descriptive term of one's status.

The biblical reference to disciples being slaves of Jesus was not a criticism that Jesus abducted them, brain washed them, or abused or otherwise exploited them in some psychotic manner. It was a reference to a slave's servitude.  A slave's submission, both physical and mental, could not be undone.

Thus, Bible references to the 12 disciples volunteering to become "slaves" to Jesus and to God reflected the depth of their commitment. To free ancients and especially the social elites and ruling class, it was an unthinkable decision to choose slavery as a free man.  Human nature... human egos, have not changed any since then.  That's the source of kinkophobia today.

Jesus required his disciples' unquestioning submission to his leadership ("Come, follow me"). He rarely explained why they should do what he commanded. This is where he had Alpha attributes, commanding like a Dom.  Instead of being an uncaring Dominant however, Jesus gave his disciples (and others) parables for them to learn the why of his command as a life lesson. Jesus as their leader strove to teach them, as a beta leader would want to do to seal their loyalty. Jesus cared for them, knowing their what their future would entail including hardships, rejection, torture and often painful deaths in his name.

What Jesus taught was simple... the importance of devotion to him and the value of "service" to others in the name of "Love" ("agape") for mankind.  This is what God sent Jesus to remind mankind... that we exist as a creation of God with his divine capacity to forgive and love others.

I believe that God expects us to live life as Jesus illustrated, in sacrifice to others, forgiving wrongs against us, saving others by offering the essence of goodness from our pure heart... a goodness we each have that is revealed to us by faith, by our decision to believe, and by our willingness to commit our lives to others... the essence of submission. 

Jesus often criticized his disciples as being slow learners, nick-naming them as a group "Little Faith" (as in "Li'l Rascals")... but, he did not punish them.  (Imagine being physically punished by a man who is God and has God's power, more than ouch!) 

The 12 disciples were incredibly slow learners. Despite seven miracles Jesus performed in their presence, they were not willing to accept the true nature of Jesus until he appeared to them after his death.  This reluctance reflects more than typical male blinders. It reflects how placing others first, especially strangers, and initiating service to them without being asked is simply not a natural instinct for men. 

What was true then for the 12 disciples is still true today.  Masculine nature is still programed into DNA through evolution no different now than what it was then.

There is a very moving Bible passage to me.  It illustrates submission, devotion and courage as a voluntary submissive honoring and serving a worthy superior... and there was none more worthy to submit to than God as man on earth.  

An unnamed woman appears unexpectedly when the 12 disciples and Jesus are resting as guests in a home. This is after they completed a long day of walking on hot, dusty roads. The mystery woman, possibly a prostitute, went silently to Jesus and removed the sandals from his dusty feet. [In those days, she risked being stoned to death for being so forward... entering a stranger's house uninvited, and touching a man who was not her husband. Customs then were much like how the Taliban طالب treat women.]

She then washed the dust off of his feet with her tears, dried them with her hair, and rubbed on them a soothing oil she brought with her. This was a fragrant, expensive oil that probably cost her life's savings. Then she left...never speaking a word.  All the while, the disciples wondered "What the heck? Hey, where's my wine and grapes!!"... never thinking how they should have served their master, a master who just happened to be God! [Jesus soon let them know!]

Who was more understanding of the circumstance, responsive to needs, and devoted to Jesus as master... his 12 "slaves", or the unknown prostitute who spoke not a word, who asked for nothing, but her actions reverberated through the centuries as a perfect illustration of humility, devotion, trust and faith?

In the faith of Christianity, believers submit to a superior God and then live life focused on service to man, which is God's will. So apparently God created man's core, our heart, to embrace submission and service to others.  God sent Jesus Christ to remind us of that.

Umh... could BDSM be viewed as SPIRITUAL training, the jolt necessary to loosen a man or woman's innate (Alpha?) protection of his or her ego?  Can opening one's heart to submission, yes to serve merely a human Dom and perhaps an ego-driven Alpha Dom... could that also open one's heart to service to God?  Perhaps there should be a "Church of Spanks"!

The point of my comments is that submission and service has a very honorable connotation among the most revered religious men of Christianity who changed the world as great leaders of faith, and are deemed to be saints.

So, if Jesus Christ was the ultimate beta male and greatest beta leader in human history, who did he submit to?  Obviously it was only to "God The Father"... his "Daddy". Consider the demeanor that Jesus himself took in his own life... can our relationships with one another have the same mindset that Christ demonstrated to mankind?  His followers are indeed expected to emulate his attitude, but how many do?

• Who, sharing the very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;  (Do we use our wealth and power to our advantage having disregard for others?)
• Rather, he made himself "nothing" to others by taking the very nature of a servant... nothing threatening, nothing proud and egotistical, nothing condescending... nothing to block his awareness of others' pain.  To those who came to him in need or in faith, he emptied his heart of love and acceptance for them. Each time he felt emptied, God renewed his capacity to love and absorb more pain in service to others.  (How would Jesus handle winning an Oscar? Would he give a speech, speaking humbly and thanking his parents, but still soak up the adoration and fame?)
  
• He humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— suffering humiliation and unimaginable pain from his scourging and crucifixion when with just a word, he could have asked God to end his human life's torture and destroy his tormentors.  (When we are asked to serve, how many times to we find excuses not to?  When we are no longer asked, do we feel relief?)
  

Jesus showed what God expects from each of us, great or small.  Privileged folks with power, and usually having the high pride and inflated ego to match, are expected to voluntarily relinquish their high status and elite privaleges.  Jesus expects the powerful, the educated and the elite in society to adopt a humble position.  A transcendent man who is enlightened to God's will elevates and honors people who are oppressed and who suffer.  He does so voluntarily and eagerly even at great cost to his own power and privileges, releasing without bitterness or regret his high social status.

Look, a D/s relationship is not about showing reverence to God, but reverence to the D.  I'm not mixing up the two, but I am saying there's no reason one can not be a religious man or a beta male leader in society and also the "s" in a D/s scene. There's no conflict in values there. I like the Bible verse that says, "It is the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honor of kings is to search out a matter." Proverbs 25:2

I hope that in time, a moral D/s relationship, one not inflicting physical or emotion damage, can be viewed by even Christian thinkers for what it is... on its surface, submission of one's ego, one sense of importance, as a necessary step to living with devotion to serving others and yes, gaining the frame of mind that can connects the soul of a sub to the mind of God.

"PSYCHOLOGY TODAY"

"A Loving Introduction to BDSM"

See this great article from Psychology Today about BDSM.  It is spot on!

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201206/loving-introduction-bdsm

Here is a different psychological commentary on "50 Shades":

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/bdsm-50-shades-of-grey-0606124

I liked these comments distilled from the above link:

Accepting your dominant or submissive tendencies does not kill the desire for intimacy, closeness, or connection.”

“Many people assume that submissives give up all responsibility for themselves, are doormats that cannot stand up for themselves, and so are taken advantage of by predatory dominants,” Alexander said. “That couldn’t be further from the truth. Submissives are stereotypically extremely strong, capable people. Many of them crave submission as a way to temporarily escape the huge responsibilities they take on in their “vanilla” lives.”

 Alexander adds that the BDSM lifestyle can even be considered therapeutic in different ways. The BDSM element of 50 Shades of Grey just takes the typical romance/erotic novel a little further. “Women have a genetic inclination toward alpha males, so we love our fictional heroes to be large, powerful, and a little scary—someone who has the ability to hurt us but doesn’t,” Alexander said. “And almost all BDSM play is based on the intensification of physical experiences. So the fantasy of the physical ‘danger’ (intensity of experience) goes along with the mental domination of having a strong alpha male taking over your life. It’s erotic, even if it’s not what we want in our actual day-to-day lives.”

TRUST & SURRENDER

In surrender, one enters a "zone" or a "groove" where there is no room for ego defenses and false masks. You become very simple, very real, and totally trusting. 

Trust is different than belief.  You can say "I believe in God".  That's a concept.  We all eventually face our death.  In that moment just before, will you say "I trust in God" and go forward without fear? 

Soldiers have the same issue with their buddy in a fox hole during battle. When it's time to charge the enemy line, they must trust that their comrades have each others' back.  Trust is more than having belief that your comrades in battle have the skills and training to perform as soldiers. 

Trust requires one to "surrender to the scene", to the reality of th moment.  To voluntarily surrender, you hope that those you trust in have as intentions what you trust them to do.  Trust in another requires clear communication, not just trust in their character, intentions and integrity.  Surrender in a scene of grave consequences is helped by having trust in God, and believing those who you also need to trust share your submission to and trust in God.

Trust is not natural to human instincts. Our human instinct to not trust is programmed in to our DNA.  That is why humanity's default instinct is to dominate and exploit. When that is not possible, then human instinct makes us fear and exclude "outsiders" who are different, who we don't "know", and can't understand.  

Trust is a trait that has to be learned. Consider the children's game, "Trust Me", where someone falls backwards and is caught by friends.  That has even pervaded corporate retreats as an exercise to encourage teamwork. (Can you imagine taking all the members of Congress, then matching one Republican to one Democrat for them to play "Trust Me"? ...LOL )

With D/s sex or BDSM, it's all about trust and surrender.  My heart's defenses protect my ego.  Swagger or denial hides my sense of vulnerability and fears.  In my erotic life, I choose to lower those defenses to feel my true erotic nature.  The submissive becomes fully aroused only when completely vulnerable, exposing his heart as well as body. A superior sub does not act on primitive fears... instincts of fight or flight, dominate or exclude.  Sophistication creates a need in a sub's soul to trust, despite the certainty of being hurt.

Surrendering in a scene to a Dom or Domme is not about degrading a sub's humanity, but about discovering our fullest potential as a human being.  Good relationships, whether in marriage or as close friends, requires candor, honest communication and trust. 

A good D/s or BDSM scene teaches me how to negotiate protocols, safe limits and learn etiquette.  As a sub, I must elicit, encourage and enforce what I want without demanding it and offending my Dom.  Good scenes leave me with greater courage to trust, and better skills to communicate... with all the "normal" people whom I care about in my vanilla life!  My experiencing sub-space and orgasms while in a scene may even offer me a taste of divine bliss. 

Those in the "D/s Life", and I, recoil at the hypocrisy of Bible thumping, homophobic preachers, shouting  "God Loves!", but then saying everyone who is not just like him, with exactly his beliefs (...and donating to his church) will be condemned to hell... at least until the preacher gets caught in a sex scandals and then preaches "forgive and forget", "live and let be"!  This motivates many of you to reject faith in God.  If that's your choice, you get no criticism from me.  Just saying that the D/s life motivates me to seek a closer relationship with God as my creator because it teaches surrender based on trust.  That's what faith in God is all about.

I believe that insight to, if not real spiritual transcendence, is possible from "The Life".  It also comes at lightening speed compared to learning complex religious theology, practicing lengthy spiritual meditation, following religious rituals or even practicing thoughtful prayer... although, "Oh My God!" may be heard quite often in the dungeon! ♥

Here's a sober journal entry about being a slave: http://www.collarme.com/journal/bimbo69

Yes, note... Urbieman is not a slave by Bimbo69's definition, not interested in becoming one, and worries about this as a potential unintended risk. There is a difference between consensual submission for the satisfaction of one's private, erotic mind (as with 35 million plus women who enjoyed reading 50 Shades) and voluntary lifetime slavery... a world of difference. There is no leaving sexual slavery behind. As this writer correctly stated, it rewires the sub's brain. It is impossible to expect appreciation and respect from an owner who views his slave as property, and shows "it" less compassion than he'd show a pet dog. There is no friendship or equality between a Owner and his slave in bimbo69's world.  Tragic.   I'm married and relish the human connection to my spouse.  Falling into slavery either by blackmail or drugging scares me. It could end my marriage and destroy my wife. 

As a submissive to a friendly Dom or Domme, I may not feel fully dominated, taken and owned... but that is a fine trade-off for freedom and continuing my vanilla life and career.  I want a Dom/sub relationship that reflects the role appropriate respect, trust and care between parties that approaches the care between my wife and I as loving spouses when we play a scene.   I am not property to be trashed and kicked aside, nor an asset to be exploited.  I feel sorry for those in that circumstance.

About managing the risk of unintended consequences Hello folks:

Last night I read an e-book by Ty Martin "You Will Obey" that is well-written short story. For us freaks of submitting to pain and humiliation, it is erotic for sure as a fantasy. It did however, illustrate quite well the risk of blackmail. Master Martin's illustration of it made me shudder.

At the same time, the TV news was talking up the "Cannibal Cop". This is a real story of the arrest of a cop who fantasized about killing, cooking and eating women.  He had communicated over a long time on his secret blog site with many others sharing his rape/torture/kill/cook & eat fantasy. Apparently, he passed a tipping point and made detailed plans on making it a reality with specific women. His wife discovered his computer blog and called the cops. Ladies.. drive carefully! You sure don't want to be arrested by the likes of him!

I need practical suggestions from the Community. How can a sub like me, seeking occasional participation within a plain vanilla life, protect himself from crazies and criminals?

• I don't want to to end up cut up, dumped in an alley or cooked on a psycho's barbecue
• I don't want to be publicly humiliated out of some Dom's sense of rage against my race, my being employed, my education, my politics, my faith, my choice of professional sports team or any other reason
• I don't want to be blackmailed for money or for deeper slavery in a real manner I had no intention to get into
• I don't want to be raped by men or women who are not cooperating with me in a gang bang fantasy by identifying themselves and producing certificates of no STD/HIV- before a scene so to protect my health (and theirs)
• I don't want to be caught in a dom's criminal behavior or be a witness to it or be in the wrong place at the wrong time including DUI or dangerous driving where for any reason, I am arrested
• If I have a heart attack in a BDSM scene and need an ambulance ASAP, I don't want a dom to hesitate calling 911 or worse, abandon me to die as he runs away

I have been quite open on CM about my life status, erotic goals and mental/spiritual motivations. I believe in being real and dealing with real people on an honest basis. I'm an odd sub. I need to manage these risks, or walk away. I need my risks to seem reasonably acceptable, with no secret trap doors.

I don't see a clear path to managing the above risks when offering myself as an occasional sub/slave/pain slut. Obviously, it requires you to "know your Dom" well enough to have properly trusted him with your life. How can you know a Dom that well? Does any Dom go beyond a health check to agree to a criminal background check, a credit report review, show a financial statement, a pay check stub, offer references and introductions to her past and present subs? Yea, right...

Since my most important goal is to protect my vanilla life... home, wife and career, I am beginning to re-think The Life. I may have to settle for an occasional "rent-a-Dom" with good ratings.  That seems to pose a lower risk profile.

I'm new at this. I need to figure this out before learning the knots of safe BDSM. Please contribute your thoughts.

Thank you very much.

Urbie

Footnote on 3/27/13:  I am a little more comfortable now...   Here are some "risk defenses". First off, to slow down, observe The Scene and the people in that community, find out who are respected and participate in leadership, such as BDSM club officers. 

You need mentors as a newbie.  Ask those who care about the BDSM community to suggest mentors to you.  Talk to your mentors about risk issues. Think it through and grade potential risks.  To illustrate, when meeting a stanger ~ low = at a club or party with other people you know; medium = at a hotel with ID requried for check in and security cameras in every hallway; high = getting into a strangers car, especially when drunk or high. Have friends or mentors who you can inform about when you meet a new Dom or otherwise feel more at risk.  They must be trustworthy to expect to receive your "safe call ("I'm okay") at an appointed hour with a secret code word confirming that you're really fine.  If you fail in that, they must have the spine to act quickly to call police, or if you have ione, your private "rapid response team". 

Boaters use a GPA satellite device called "FindMeSpot".  This could be helpfu. See http://www.findmespot.com/en/ It's a small, pocket size device combined with an annual subscription that lets you transmit your GPS location on a map, and an "I'm Okay" message to a list of email contacts you first set up.  If you're not okay, it allows you to transmit with the push of one "Send Help" button a request for help to your friends, hopefully your 'rapid response squad".  If you're really in danger, it lets you transmit an "SOS" request for police response to 911 through the "FindMeSport" communicaiton center.  All this isvia satellite, not cell phone towers. 

Another suggestion is to read a book titled "Finding Leather in a Vanilla World" by Submissive switch Shannon Reilly. She offers many good suggestions on security.