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	The Philosophy & Quest for Emptiness I regret that my Mistress (it was never sexual but very emotional & personal for us both) had moved back to Louisiana. The relationship really had an ethereal quality to it that I cannot quite put into words. I wasn't just Her trampoline (although I was well trampled by Her in every way very often). I was Her emotional support, and Her confidant in Her marriage. I gave Her the confidence to seek a career beyond being a homemaker, and the things we confided to one another we just could not fully explain to anyone else. I've explained these things to my wife (now ex-wife), as we have no secrets. But she does not understand. My Mistress did because She felt the same way. I've been trampled and dommed by many. But only one Mistress Laura! I guess if one has the face of an educated and ambitious man under the soles of one's sandaled feet -- who is convinced (against the obvious pain, discomfort, and humiliation) that he is in his proper place -- and that You are in Yours, then the Mistress (if she didn't realize her worth and superiority) now has amble proof. What I got out of it (and have always gotten out of it) has been invaluable to me -- absolute humility, the suppression and punishment of the macho egotist in all men. If I remember correctly, in the movie "Conan the Barbarian," James Earl Jones tries to help Arnold Schwarzenegger find "emptiness" as a religious experience and goal. That was never properly explained in the movie (because it was crap). But the vague concept left an impression on a young mind. I would call my journey through BDSM as a quest for emptiness. What I mean by this is that life fills Your glass with so much more than You can take in (much of it contradictory): You must be successful; You must have lots of money; You must save money & be frugal; You must spend money and have the latest things; You must honor God Almighty; You must honor the Almighty dollar; You must be good to Your neighbor; You must backstab Your way to the top or You're weak; You must believe in Yourself & put Yourself first; You must be humble, help others, and die for Your country. No wonder we live in a mad society. No wonder "Fight Club" did so well. We are a society of contradictions that are supposed to be maintained simultaneously. The cup is overflowing with more than we can stomach as we try to maintain the facade of Western Christian civilization & morality in a multiracial, multicultural, highly secular era hurdling into nowhere. In seeking emptiness I seek to over turn the glass and empty it of all life's preconceived paths to happiness so that the glass is empty. What is left is the void to be filled by our desires. I am still ambitious to be better. I wish to help the community. I naively believe that by helping each other we make ourselves free. But as for happiness -- true happiness -- my happiness -- is a cruel and selfish Mistress who gains enormous personal satisfaction and empowerment from treating me like the dirt on the soles of Her sandals.

I am divorced. It is final. Now I really feel like I'm not owned anymore. Blah! Blah!

I've started to get over my ex's departure. What I need is to enter one's service!

Well, it looks like I am a free agent - in every way. My wife asked for a divorce on January 17th. (I said, "Sure, why not?") And she got lost February 7th. Now I must reconsider my hard limits. What is a slave to do???

Will someone not make of me a good rug???

Atia, mother of Octavian, had captured her hated enemy Servillia, mother of Brutus, and had her kneeling before her. "I think at this moment you are more afraid than I am," said a defiant Servillia.

Atia smiled, "I've never been happier in my life."

"Then why do you keep talking?" asked Servillia. "Kill me!"

Atia, replied, "When you kiss my feet; beg for me to end your suffering; then I'll kill you."

From the HBO series 'Rome'. That's a real woman for yah!!!

The slave ran into her presence and fell to his hands and knees at his mistress's feet uttering the following lamentation: "Forgive me, I didn't know the boy was corrupt. I will take my life, if I must. But please know that I've been faithful." Her back is turned to him and she seems more concerned with the blood on her dress from the previous torture session of the 'corrupt boy' slave that she supervised. The abased slave continues, "I was misled, and I failed you miserably. Punish me as you see fit." The mistress finally responds that she'd have him gelded if eunuchs were "so unfashionable." She never looks in his direction and keeps her back to him while a female slave assists her in trying to wash the blood from her hands and dress. She decides that they should forget the whole thing. This is not mercy but gratitude for revealing an opportunity: the corrupt slave (an assassin) was sent by the mistress's (Atia's) rival Servillia; and now Atia has the means and the justification to take revenge upon Servillia. "Thank-you, domina, thank you!" murmurs the slave obsequiously as he dashes to kiss her sandaled feet repeatedly. "Just get up, you silly little man," she said as she back-kicked his face with the very foot and sandal he'd been worshipping.

From the HBO series 'Rome'.

Here was a slave who truly knew his place as if born to it (which may have been the case),

and a woman who know how to treat men. God help men if all females were even a quarter of the woman that Atia was.

Proud Samson humbled by the Philistines at Delilah’s feet. Catherine the Great’s unlimited autocracy over the proud Orlov whom she humbled at her feet. The capricious mistress who sewed up her troubadour lover in wolf’s skins and hunted him like an animal. King Gunther hogtied by Queen Brunhilde at the foot of her bed on their wedding night. Sir Ctirad who the Amazon warrior Sharka captured in that forest near Prague; dragged back to Castle Divin for her pleasures; and, having grown bored with him; had this noble knight broken on the wheel. Then there was Hercules, the son of the King of the Gods, made into the kneeling slave of a woman, Omphale, Queen of Lydia, who feminized him in woman's clothes, and made him to sit at her feet, and the feet of her hand maidens, holding a wool basket from which the women did their spinning. These men I’ve admired, envied, and hated for having not been them in some small way.

"Yes, I seriously want to be your slave," I went on. "I want your power over me to be sanctified by law, I want my life to be in your hands, I want nothing in this world to be able to protect me or save me from you. Oh, what voluptuousness to feel dependent entirely on your whim, your mood, a flick of your finger! And then what bliss when you feel merciful for a change and allow the slave to kiss the [feet] to which he clings for life or death! " I knelt and leaned my hot forehead on her lap. From Leopold von Sacher-Masoch's "Venus in Furs" p. 50

"I would rather submit to a woman with no virtue, no fidelity, no compassion. Such a woman in her selfish grandeur is also an ideal. If I can't enjoy the full and total happiness of love, and I want to drain its torments, its tortures to the dregs; then I want the woman I love to mistreat me, betray me, and the more cruelly the better. That too is pleasure. "

From Leopold von Sacher-Masoch's "Venus in Furs" p. 29

Well, and be my slave and feel what it means to be put in a woman's hand. " that same moment she kicked me.

Severin at the feet of Wanda Dunajew in Leopold von Sacher-Masoch's "Venus in Furs" p. 41

One particular Mistress used me to better understand and "improve" Herself. When She stood on my face in sandaled heels She considered how my human dignity was taken away so easily by Her; and that how important Her human dignity is to Her, and that anyone can take Your dignity away if You let them. When walking on my groin She thought pleasingly of the manhood She was crushing and thought on Her own Womanhood and how important it is to be a strong Woman and not let men walk all over You in anyway. When She trampled over me in general She did consider that - in general - people will walk all over You if You are foolish enough to let them. When I hungered and begged for food She'd drop break on the floor, step on it so that it stuck into the grooves, and made me eat if off the soles of Her sandals. This taught Her never to allow Herself to go hungry. She appreciated Her own freedoms more by taking away mine. Also, She gloried in having a footwarming slave at and under Her Feet. All of this was acceptable to me and made me very happy; because I was helping Her and that made Her very happy and a better person. So being a welcome mat for Her and Her Girl Friends; being a foot rest for Her; a whipped boy; a slapped inferior; a dog to perform tricks -- all this was absoluely acceptable and desireable. To be used for Your glory would be heaven for such as me.

There was someone from Hudson who was looking for a bottom boy for personal use that bestilled my beating heart. I wish to God I was exactly what She are looking for. The idea of being so casually and wantonly used as another's plaything has a kind of etherial romanticism about it; but in an esoteric way that only people like u/Us who are in the life can truly understand.

NO FAKING AROUND__
I must admit, in point of fact, I prefer my experiences to be real. Very real! I prefer that the Dominant One truly enjoy the things She does to me, that She derive true pleasure from my fear, my pain, and my humiliation. A contrived performance cheapens the actual experience. She must believe Herself Superior, and thus justified in all that She does. The slave must understand the absolute nature of his subservient condition, of his or her inferiority. Once this is understood by the slave nothing that happens to it can illicit a stern protest as it understands that, in all actions, the Mistress is completely justified. Not just in theory, but for all intents & purposes, She can do not wrong. She may inflict pain, other discomforts, punishments for cause & without cause, and humiliation -- but She has done no 'wrong' unless Her own moral code dictates that She does. (This goes back to the philosophy of Nietzsche and Master morality.) If the slave has a moral code that includes judgments upon the conduct of the Mistress that part of it's code is both invalid and impertinent -- like sheet music for a deaf mute.

THE NEED FOR DISCIPLINE

Why does the slave seek serious discipline? They crave something that they lacked at some critical point in their lives. They crave discipline because they feel they lack it. They crave order because their lives are devoid of it. In a world of endless gray you give the simplicity of black and white - total moral absolutes. And they will love you for it. You could kick them in their faces, spit on their clothes, and tread them underfoot and they will love you. You have provided order and discipline.

Many times a dictator who rules his country with an iron hand is remembered fondly, even by those he actually ruled. Why? Because he gave order out of chaos, and discipline to a lawless social condition. Such men can kill millions and be loved and revered by the survivors. This is especially true if chaos follows his fall. I have a Ugandan penpal who speaks nostalgically of President Idi Amin. But about 500,000 people died under his rule. Then, of course, there is Joseph Stalin whose policies killed millions. But these people gave order out of chaos and laid down the law (however draconian) in a lawless environment.

NIETZSCHEAN BDSM__

In studying the philosophy of Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche I have found correlations between his views on morality, and the morals appropriate to both the dominatrix as Mistress and to the slave as living, usable property. Nietzsche advocated the ascent to the "overman" (often mistranslated as "superman.") And the division of morality into two kinds - the master morality and slave morality. The Judeo-Christian morality that we have all grown up with was, in Nietzsche's opinion, the morality of the weak, the downtrodden, the slave. The idea that aspiring to power is bad, that seeking wealth is selfish, and that one should tolerate the evils of one's existence with patience, compassion, and love for those that oppress you are the sentiments of the weak - the slave. The idea that one should carve out their own sense of what is right, and judge what is wrong only in relation to what you have determined to be right; that being strong, worshipping strength, seeking power, wealth, and comfort, even if it must be seized - these are the sentiments of master morality. These are the ways of the strong, and the strong have always dominated - even exploited - the weak.

It appears to me that the dominant woman has chosen Her set of moral principles - (definitely in the face of slave morality and bourgeois mores), and has decided, even as an after thought, what is bad for Her. This, i think on final reflection, is what makes the Mistress truly Superior, and the slave or submissive hopelessly inferior. But each is in the pace that best suits their dispositions. The slave accepts his place at his or her Mistress's feet, and accepts the tyranny of Her worst whims as his or her lot in life - one's fate, as it were. The Mistress has concluded what is good for Her IS good in and of itself. And if the Mistress decides - during the course of forming Her moral principles - that having inferior people kneeling at Her feet to serve, to obey, to punish, to reward, and to keep conquered is good; and the loss of such inferior wretches is bad; then She IS correct and moral. She is moral if She keeps to Her ideals. From the Nietzschean prospective because She determines first what is 'good' and only determines what is 'bad' afterward in relation to what She at first determines to be good.

The slave morality typified by the Judeo-Christian tradition determines what is 'evil' (rather than what is 'bad') in the Universe and then determines in relation to evil what is good. Slave morality also concerns itself with what is best for the group. For a stable of submissives that would be serving their Mistress's will and being mindful of Her dictates and command authority. Master morality concerns itself with what is best for the Master. In this case what is best for the Mistress. The slave at the Mistress's feet believes in mercy, patience, obedience, compassion, peace, and love - love, mercy, and compassion for those who use you; patience for the for the wrongs you bear; obedience to the authority over you; and peace in the face of violence used against you (paddling, flogging, slapping, etc.) I am fit to be a slave. But who is willing to be my Mistress?

SEX WITH MISTRESSES, SEX WITH SLAVES

i think one reason why some black slaves may have problems acquiring Mistresses is that some may think that this is an insultingly transparent attempt by black men to use the bdsm scene as a back door to having sex with white women (there are so few non white Mistresses by comparison). This is not necessarily the case. Although i have had sex with dominant girlfriends, i have NEVER had sex with a Mistress. Why? i believe (and i may well be in the minority - no pun intended - in this opinion) that a lowly slave is beneath the sexual desire of a Mistress and unworthy of such an Honor. A higher sub, perhaps, could enjoy the status of a sex toy. But in a diversified stable the slaves that You use to wipe Your feet on, to rest Your feet on, to keep them warm, to use as furniture - this slave is too "dirty" in nature to have sex with one as high as a Mistress. It would be like using a public toilet, or (a more cultured analogy) like a high Brahmin seducing an Untouchable.

Of course, i know that not everyone will agree. The Mistress who is married to, or otherwise in love with, Her chosen slave may have him serve in every capacity from doormat to prized dildo. This is a Mistress's right to use her living tools as She sees fit. We, as slaves, cannot judge nor question, nor contradict the wishes or mores of those who own and use us. This is not mainstream society (You know, the one that is REALLY decadent) where there is no up or down. Here everyone has their place. The Mistress or Master leads. The slave follows. The Mistress or Master commands. The slave obeys. Simplicity. Order. Balance. Heaven. Emptiness.

Once, my Mistress Laura, commanded me to pleasure Her. i could not. Why? Because She was drunk. She had a husband. And i will not and cannot take advantage of any Mistress. My existence was not to complicate nor imperil their marriage. At the same time i had no right, as Her property, to refuse Her. It was as humble a refusal as any can imagine. But it was a refusal. When She sobered-up She was well in Her rights to whip the hide off of me just before discharging me. But She did neither. My loyalty now unquestioned, i was the only person allowed to house-sit their luxurious home and precious children when they went out of town. That was all the honor i needed. Such a valuable responsibility is all the "thank you" i ever needed to hear.

SEEDS OF SUBMISSION

What makes me submissive? Why do i worship the foot of a woman? These are very good questions that have been raised. I remember first fantasizing about being trampled at about age 5 or 4 at my kindergarten in New York. I'd imagine that a group of sandals was running after me. How this all started, I'm not sure. But I had a sandal / foot fetish ever since then. During nap time we used to lay on the floor. When we were awoken i think (the memory grows hazy here) that the teen volunteers (all girls) used to use their feet. They tapped us with their feet. (One might say stepped on.) As i was a stubborn one they probably applied more pressure. They were platform sandals of some kind, i think. (It was 1974 / 1975.) I have often been placed in charge of things & people. So, naturally, i wish to be commanded. The rest is summarized in my profile statement - the path to emptiness.

No More Bourgeois Hypocracy

I don't want to be loved by my Mistress. I want to be used by, and be useful to, my Mistress. The person my Mistress should love is Herself. Her affection for me should be an extension of how useful i am to Her happiness and self indulgence. In that respect, as to the level of my usefulness to Her, i should be liked. My wife respects me as a man. My Mistress should disdain me as a dog, or as Her carpet. My wife loves and cares for me as a man, a provider, a best friend, and confidant. My Mistress should care for me only because i am useful to some aspect, or aspects, of Her desire. As i stated in my journal i seek "emptiness." My wife had dommed me. But to make Her my Mistress is to abandon the path to emptiness and, instead, embrace a form of bourgeois life that i am rebelling against: The proper & happy social couple - "Al & Jackie Bedding," who secretly do nauty things behind closed doors. How disgustingly Victorian. More hypocracy!

TRUTH BEYOND HYPOCRISY

The World is full of people consumed in their ignorance and choking on the filth of their hypocrisy - hypocrisy of faith, of "morality" (whatever that means), and hypocrisy of brotherhood. We say all men are created equal, yet believe some are created more equal than others. We preach brotherhood, but embrace a form of meism rare in the annals of the entire Human race. We wish to be loved without giving love. I can't do anything about it. So more and more I'm taking pot shots at it in my writings.

Last year (i think it was last year) when the Walmart shoppers trampled that frail woman into the ground - that was the real America. That was reality without hypocrisy or pretense. I want! I want! And no one's going to get in my way because no one matters but me. Even after she had been laid out and flattened shoppers (all around her) went about their business oblivious to her - just like a piece of dog crap. Then she goes and sues Walmart (again, it seems). I'm no fan of big corporate America (I see them as a necessary evil), but Walmart did not step on her face. A herd of Human cattle did. The woman's sister was pointing her out on the ground and asking people not to step on her before, during, and after they did. She could have helped identify at least some of the herd. They could have been prosecuted for assault & battery. But Walmart is richer than bargain hunters. It's all about me getting over on as many as i can before my eyes are closed for good. Disgusting! But, what can you do? It's not much of a Human race. But it's our Human race. Our race.

Give me domination. Give me the honesty of a cruel Mistress without pretense who says - sincerely and without pretense - "You deserve to be used by Me, abused by Me, and degraded by Me. Why? Because such things will satisfy Me." That is the truth. None of the societal double speak applies from those with at least two faces who say one thing, mean another thing, and think a third thing. If a Mistress tells me, "Lay down, slave! I wish to wipe My feet on you." I know She means this and only this. I will lay down. She will wipe Her feet. She will be satisfied. She never said it would not hurt nor degrade. She never lied to me. And i would be a fool to form opinions to the contrary. This is the simplicity i seek. This is the end of emptiness.

TRUE HAPPINESS

True happiness is to be trampled by women at a summer sandal sale in sunny Florida. Such people are very much aware of who they are stepping on. If you are the clerk they will still expect you to wait on them. The same female who made eye-contact with you. (while looking for a safe place to put her foot) just before stepping on the side of your face, will expect you to help her in the store if you are the nearest employee. If she is a woman she will pretend as if she had never seen you before. Or she will apologize insincerely as she holds the shoes she fells she would never have gotten if she had not used extreme methods at your expense. If she is a teenager she might just giggle in your face or make fun of you to her girlfriend right in front of you (her girlfriend wishing she, too, had stepped on you so that she could really relate to her friend's amusement). I have noticed that when shoppers trample employees they are never required to apologize to their victims. Observers can always identify a few of the tramplers out of the herd. But it's as if doing so would offend the shoppers. So the victim is dusted off and sent back to work after a break. That is, if he was not seriously hurt.

True happiness is to trampled over by soccer moms after a girls' soccer game because you tripped and fell down in the dark -- your body filling a rut in the ground, and Human compassion being reduced to the phrase I've oft times heard -- "He shouldn't have been on the ground."
During such an ordeal, under under foot, the one down there has been stripped of all humanity, all rights as a citizen, and the expectations of moral treatment. That person has found emptiness. It's amazing what civilized Human beings will do if they can get away with it and no one judges them for it.

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