tinklebelle

and so I wrapped multiple layers of rubber bands around my fingers (all 10 of them), watched them turned blackish blue and poke at the tip of each finger with a needle. The feelings-- was like I had hit a gspot or whatever you called it. Watching the blood spurted out from each finger like a tiny fountain excite me to a very intense level.. almost euphoric, better than any pots on earth. The only less fun thing was that theres just too little blood in our fingers.. after a mere seconds they would stop bleeding. :( And I'll once again turn into this sad, desperate creature. 

 I watched myself get uglier and uglier by passing days and I felt nothing but numb. Ive succumb into a ritual where I would stand in front of the mirror in my room and  tell myself over and over that God had created some of us just to be a match stick for hell. I believe with all my heart I am one of those. Theres no point of living anymore. I am going to do a plenty of filthy damages to myself that when I am finally allowed to die a real death, I would be nothing but thrash. 

Recently I (thought) I had met someone who could have "save" me from myself.  HAHAHA!!

Everything was somekind of a grand joke. I'm so sober when I'm writing this. I'm aware this made zero sense but fuck it, its my journal. LOL

Feeling a lot better as of lately. Fluffier than ever, stoned all the time. Life's grand.

And in another life, I  want to be born again as a pet cat.  Me-ow

somehow I had manage to stop cutting myself and found another less horrifying option ; starve myself to the verge of hallucination. it made me feel good about myself. i dont know what do i really seek in here anymore..but reading all your beautifully crafted messages actually made me feel better.

pathetic.

i began to cut myself so severely as of lately..the physical pain makes me feel a little ease. slashed my wrist last sunday and ended up in hospital for 3 days. i heard the nurses said I'm gonna ended up as another amanda todd.. I had trouble sleeping since forever..touched myself more often lately bcause only the orgasm could brought me to sleep. pathetic isnt it? i have zero intention to gain anyone sympathy alright? I just feel the need to spill..

tell me what should I do best for myself?

been having a lot of suicidal thoughts lately.. i know i am no teens.. but..

i'm not sure how long i will be here.. last week i tried to put an end to myself but failed miserably. lately ive been so brutally troubled.. with my parents' divorce finalized, i am officially on my own.. i am all tensed up and depressed. 

anyone out there care to adopt and fix me?