SWtigress

Its been a month. I now know that i depended on MasterSW for so much in my life...telling me what to do and when to do it and how to do it... sighs....now there are things i don't know how to do because He would tell me how to do it....think i depended too much on Him ....but....isn't that what a slave is supposed to do? ..be told what to do when to do it and how? mmmm perhaps i need to learn to crawl again before i can walk..... i have a journey ahead of me that will not be easy... learning to count on myself and my abilities.... sighs. I miss Him so much!

This girl is in mourning over the loss of her rl Master/hubby. Master Sacred Warrior....He passed away 9/27/13.

Please be respectful.

Reflective Thoughts-Assgnment 4-How my insecurities effect both me and thoes in my life. March 3rd,2011.

Well i guess you could say my insecurities cause walls to go up and makes my life difficult not to mention for thoes in my life. How to prevent? No clue! Expect nothing? Have no standards? Hold only myself accountable? Wish i knew! As for the outcome? Guilt, confusion, regret. Not only did i lack will power to not go there(flirting with ex Master),i went there first. I initiated it, even wanted it(his attention). Why did i want it? Because as bad as bad was, it was familiar. Hurt is already there. I know what to expect. Only risk is more familiar pain. Fear is what drives my insecurities. I can't help it. I'm afraid.

Today-Reflective Thoughts-Fear is going to keep me from getting too close to anyone. Just as i learned from this assignment and let myself fall and be caught, i was left suspended, dangling out in the cool night all alone with my thoughts, fears and doubts. Will each lesson learned and growth made be only in vain and no matter how much i try and give will it never be enough? will i ever be enough? life is too short for these silly games and i am way to old to be caught up in them. These are MEN not lil boys that are still playing around..why are they like this? why do i fall for them? why can't i see the pattern before i have fallen for them and my heart is already given to them? why can't i see them for who they really are instead of who i belive them to be?why? because even with my trust issues, i belive in people. i am by nature a trusting person. i trust till you prove to me you can't be trusted. I don't want to change this about myself. I like that i can see good in people. I like that i can see the best of them. How come so many can't see the good i see in them or their potential? I don't want to stop beliving in people because maybe, just maybe i am the only person that ever has or will.

Reflective thoughts- Assignment #3 March 1st, 2011What my submission means to me and the One's i  freely give it to.

My submission is an expression of my true innerself. My desire to please and to serve the ones I love is a perfect fit for this lifestyle.

I love being a subbie. To give of my control to another is very fullfilling. I hope my Master's know how my submitting to them is a HUGE deal. While alot of people are naturally submissive and can submit to any and every Dominate- i however am VERY  PICKY about who is in control of me. I hope they realize how special they are to me and that for them i will do everything i can to please them. 

Today-Reflective thoughts-MasterSW's Assignment for today.They say hind sight is 20/20 how come foresight isn't?  I'm sure there are many who say they can see it coming and i guess i did too but how can we see it coming and still trust a person? i was afraid it was going to happen...but in my heart of hearts i was praying it would never happen. I so wanted Him to prove me wrong. I gave to Him my trust because i belived Him. Well in hind sight...i feel like a damn fool. I feel played. I feel like although He said He understood He just didn't get it. I feel like my submission was tossed aside like an empty candy wrapper. With no more thought about me or my feelings then the thought of littering.

I feel what i have to offer someone is very special. I feel that i can make someone very happy. I also feel that Master SW will be the only Master i ever trust. Not one Master has hurt me sense Master SW and i became poly...but 3.

First one........changed as soon as we met. Was NOT the man let alone the Dom he claimed to be. The 2nd cheated and lied to me...breaking trust and causing all my old buried issues to come flooding back into my life. Old demons called up from the dead so to speak. Ones that i had thought dead and burried. Not once did He lie and cheat but many times...lost count...quit counting..hurt too much....but i loved Him enough to keep trying. He said he loved me and regreted ever hurting me. So i stayed through each stray from our relationship. I wanted to give Him the chance to be the Man and Master that i fell in love with. He never could.

Here i sit again. Wanting something that i now fear. Wanting...no needing in my life and i can't let anyone close enough to show me they are not that way. sighs. Hopefully one day i learn to trust that way again.

These are my thoughts from Feb.2,2011. 

After some deep thought and soul searching and talking to MasterSW(my Master and Hubby) I have come to some conclusions.  They are both enlightning as well as disturbing. Self discovering of my "flight" and why i am doing it.

FEAR-that is basically why. 

Fear of being hurt. Why go into a relationship that will lead to being hurt and alone later in life? 

Fear of Trusting someone with my submission and then them breaking that trust. How can i possibly put my trust in someone knowing that it (my submission) will be in the long run taken for granted. 

Fear of giving over total control when the heart says you will loose yourself for no reason because the person will take take take and leave you for another. 

will change and i will not be in control of it.

Fear that the one who has that control will change it in a negitive way. I know that i have much to work on on myself. I need to stop wanting to run away. I need to take responsibility for my actions and remember that I LOVE BEING A subbie!!! I LOVE THE BDSM LIVESTYLE!!! 

I have just been so bogged down in having to keep myself in control that i am finding it difficult turning that control over to someone who wants it and knows how to take and hold me to my word. 

What i feel i must learn- How to trust and let go. To allow someone to take over all area's of my life and to stop my need to  protect myself when in reality what I'm protecting myself from is that i really want. 

I realize that it is a button and i have to learn to deal with it differently when it is accidently pushed. I'm afraid of submitting and giving my heart and I'm afraid of letting someone down. I doubt myself. I doubt my abilities. I doubt me. 

Today-

This was written as i was going into a Poly relationship....I had to figure out why i was doing what i was doing... i did. I grew from this deep thought and belived the relationship to be a solid one. Just as my fears were going away and i learned to trust Him..the impossible happened.. Yet here i sit...4 months into the relationship alone. He did just as i had feared. He left. Gone. No reason. No Goodbye. No Release. Nothing. 

I am left with an emptyness that was filled by him and now that He is gone i am afraid to fill again. There are so many things that I freely gave to Him because i trusted Him. My trust issues were really bad before He came into my life. He helped me trust Him.

Now i can't trust anyone to even help me through this.  

Sighs....why do this to someone? I don't get how you can be making plans and saying "I love you my pet and want to spend the rest of my life with you, I will always be here for you my pet" and then just leave them without anything...???? i just don't get it.

If you love someone...the very least you can do is say "you are released" i don't want to do this anymore. I belive a Strong Dom should be able to handle that...sighs. guess not..:(

There is one thing i would like to ask...how many in the lifestyle have had the problem of taking the time to get to know someone...spending a lot of time talking to them and start thinking there is something there...that they are a match and a fit for your life only to have them disappear on you one day? Months after spending time with them they just disappear. How does one go about doing something like that?  

I have trust issues as it is....to have someone i care for to just go away...no goodbye. No reason why...nothing. Many promises spoken and can't even say they are broken now...because they just went away with the person.  

Not a true Dom? Well i think maybe that would be a good guess...but....if he wasn't...and Master had talked to him and approved of him... how does one really know now days who is or isn't what they say they are?

If there is not honesty within the lifestyle...how are we ever to be able to trust anyone when we are getting hurt by so many players?  

Maybe that is it....maybe we need to clear up some cross overs that we have all allowed to enter into the lifestyle..."play".  Too many do not take the teachings of the lifestyle to heart and "play" with the lives of those who are serious. 

If you are here for the Kink of "playing" that’s fine... just be honest with the people you are talking to....don't let them think you want more than "play".  

Role-play is AWESOME.....but to role-play your way into a relationship and make promises you can't or won't keep and earn the trust of the person you should be ashamed of yourself.  

When words like "You are my pet and I love you with all my heart. I want you in my life and will always be here for you" are said and the person you say them to believes you...you had better mean them.  Trust is a very fragile balance...once broken there are so many other areas’ you open yourself up to doubt.  

To leave someone with trust issues is a lot of baggage to dump on someone. It is a lot to overcome.  I struggle with it and I’m sure many others have the same problem. Too many times dealing with these people that do things to cause mistrust leaves hurt and doubt in the mind of the person they do it to not to mention the doubt they carry with them into the next relationship...always waiting for the person to do them the same way. 

Yes i know it is a cycle. Yes i know my trust issues cause problems. Yes i know many won't deal with someone who has these problems. They want someone who has their life together. That’s all well and good but don't get involved with someone who is honest and tells you they have trust issues and need help over coming them. 

Honesty.....huge word.... many don't have a clue what it means anymore.  They hide a lot of baggage and hide under online persona and lie about who and what they are and what they really want. They want it so they say but then can't handle it when they get it...too many times leaving behind someone hurting. 

Can we just stop this bad behavior? Can we just be honest with each other? Would that kill you to be honest that you are married and playing around on line or that you are bi or maybe even that you have no intention of taking it off line you just want to Cyber Play and not have any real life contact?? Why is being honest so hard?

Why is lying to get someone easier than the knowledge that you are causing pain to someone you say you care about??? 

These are my thoughts. These are things i wonder about. These are things i hope i am not the only one who sees. These are the things i hope will change. Sighs.