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my Master/Husband of nearly 13 years is calling it quits. my life is complicated, confusing and a mess. i loved my husband, and will always love him. But being married is not what he wants anymore.
i have friends who are there for me, and try to support me as they can. i'm grateful for them as they are helping me to keep my sanity.
i am NOT into humiliation. i need a kind, caring, patient Master.
ok.. So i've been thinking and right now what i need are guys who know something about home repair. So, if you can work some and play some, let me know, we might be able to work something out.
Currently in need of someone with electrical, drywall, and flooring experience. |
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Well, now nearly 2 years out, and my ex still hasn't filed. Why i don't know. He's the one what wanted it to end not me, so it's not my responsibility to fix.
i just want to get my house fixed, sold and get the hell out of this toxic place. I can't afford to leave money on the table so i have to sell the house for the best price i can get with the repairs I can make myself.
The only option i have is to buy a house outright as i probably won't qualify for any kind of mortgage especially with all the hoops you have to jump through these days.
i still don't know where i want to go. Other than i need mountains, and as few people as possible. but yet close enough to an airport to get where i need to go easily.
i'm learning that i am stronger and more capable than i ever knew, and that i don't have to have a Master to be happy. The times i have felt happy have been away from my house, which is how i know it's toxic. i come home and i can feel my blood pressure go up, my stress go up, and everything else closing in on me. |
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A good friend turn me on to a song that i can't get out of my head now....
i think that describes how i want a relationship to be. |
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It's been about a year, but it's still hard. i have a good friend who still thinks that my ex isn't done with me yet. I hope so, because anymore sucker punches, and i'll be irreparable. i don't think i can handle anymore emotional stress without breaking. i have been to the edge of sanity once before, and it's not a fun place to be.
i guess i need to explain something. my Dad recently passed away. He was the cornerstone of my life. The one person in this world whom i could call when i desperately needed help is gone. Now i as the oldest in my family. i feel it is my duty to take care of my mother. She's not completely well, and has never been alone. They were married for 52 years, and now we are both alone, and i feel it's my responsibility.
As much as i love a good session, right now what i need is someone to hold me, tell me things will be ok. because right now things don't feel ok. They feel bad, very bad. very hard, and very insurmountable. |
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Today was my 13th wedding anniversary. i had a plan... a good one i thought. i was going to fix my Thanksgiving meal and use today to be thankful. But what happens, my hubby calls first thing this morning to see how i'm doing. That just ruined my day. Last year on our 12th anniversary, he was in such a hurry to get out the door that he couldn't even say happy anniversary before he left and was gone all day. He didn't care that I cried all day. He didn't care that i hoped that he would come home and take me out to dinner. None of that happened. He was gone all day came home too tired too do anything, and didn't want to be anywhere near me. Why the FUCK would he care today how i was doing or how i felt? I even asked him that question... his reply. "I don't know". If you don't know you need to figure it out, and if you do know you owe me the truth after screwing up my day. |
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Today was an anniversary of sorts. Fourteen years ago i met the man who would become my hubby in person for the first time. It was bitter sweet. i keep going through my head. was that the day i made the best decision of my life or the worst? i know i am my own worst enemy. i cannot make that same mistake again. But then again was it a mistake? i found my love for Rottweilers because of him. But i left my career, friends, and family to move 200 miles away. Now i feel so alone and lost, yet at the same time trapped in a house that needs too much work to sell without losing a lot of money. There is good and bad. In the beginning we had a lot of good times. But he had to "help" some young girl that needed help and before i know it he cheated on me... i could never trust him after that. No matter how i tried, i couldn't forget. i should have left then. It would have been easier. |
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i'm still having good days and bad days... finding out who my real friends are. i will state it here that i am having a very difficult time connecting with anyone who messages me. i'm still grieving, and my heart just isn't ready. People say it will get better, i just don't know how long it's going to take. Sometimes i wish this was all a bad dream, but i wake up and see my reality.
A good friend told me not to make any changes or plans for at least 6 months. We are halfway through that and i would agree. i'm glad i resisted the urge to just up and go somewhere. i still won't be able to stay here. but at least i have a plan.
so if you're handy with home improvement projects, and are willing to donate time, i have the project for you! LOL
i have a lot of ideas, but the reality of my physical abilities, and my finances say otherwise.
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About a month or so ago, my hubby of over 12 years has decided he wants to call it quits. He says he still loves me, and wants to be friends, but i just don't see how someone can do that. A part of me will always love him, always want to make sure that he's happy, and will always want to know what it is that went wrong. how did i fail? being alone again is going to be so hard, but i'm not sure i can trust myself let alone anyone else again. i know they say we must past through the stages of grief, but right now all i feel is a broken heart, broken promises and broken dreams. Everyone i know tells me it will get better. He wants me to stay in the area, i feel i must leave. i can't bear seeing him and not being a part of his life, or knowing that he is so close yet ignores me. |
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A friend of mine had this on his profile... i couldn't help but steal it! :) So you know who you are, and if you find it, you just might have to punish me for stealing it :)
Woman's destiny is to be wanton, like the bitch, the she-wolf; she must belong to all who claim her. Marquis de Sade |
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