Spankerz

okay, I will say this once and only once.  I am a Bitch.  I am so very tired of the conceited attitudes of people.  I am nothing special, just an ordinary switch.  I have a wonderful subbie who is My world.  I love him deeply and we are monogamous.  I am currently considering taking on a Dominant as a play partner, but they must understand that it will not include sex or sex play.  I don't do cyber sex, phone sex, or cam sex.  If you are just looking for a chance to get your rocks off, then just keep on looking for some little girl with massive self-esteem issues.  That isn't me.  If you are seeking friendship, to learn, or to teach, we may just have enough common ground that I won't chew you up and spit you out.  My predominant personality is that of a submissive; however, that does not in any way, shape, or form mean that I am your submissive.  The fastest way to get on my ignore list is to start out trying to tell me what to do.  I am happy with the way my life is, and while I would enjoy having a Dominant for a play partner, I do NOT need one.  Please keep that fact in mind if you wish to contact me.

Greetings and salutations peeps!!

     just thought i'd pop in and put in an update on here as to what has been going on.  Most who view my profile often know about the health struggles that i have.  so, the last week in December the doc says that i've got infection in the bone of my foot.  he is sending me to an orthopedic surgeon.  i went on the 3rd to see the new doc, and he wants to have an mri done and a work up by a vascular person to see how my blood flow is doing.  so i get admitted to the hospital,  They do tons of testing, almost cause my kidneys to fail, and tell the doctors sexactly what i had already told them.  i have bad circulation and don't heal well in my lower limbs.  So they fix the vascular problem,  and then they go in and cut off half of my foot. all the while telling me that if i am still having problems with it, they expect that within the next 6 months to have to go in and do a BKA on the leg.  But i am out of the hospital, they put me in a Rehab Center (it is  a fucking nursing home) for up to the next 4 months.  so if i seem grumpy or gritchy, that is why.

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Yay!  i walked away!  i am free again.  well sorta.  i still have my subbie, who is straight, and i am not willing to negotiate on giving him up.  he understnads that i have needs as a submissive that he cannot fill, so i seek a play partner.

Hello again peeps,

  today i have a quandary  that i have not faced before.  and to be completely honest, i don't like being put in this position.  i woke up this morning feeling like my wonderful useful self, to go and check my e-mail and find a very disturbing letter written to me by a complete stranger.  and honestly it has me confused.  Why would anyone want someone with bpd in their lives?  we are horrible people.  we push and aggravate, do everything we can to make them abandon us.   and yet, i am still susceptible to the sweet meanderings of someone who refers to me as babygirl.  i know that i am not being used for money, at least not by anyone with a brain.  i live on disability because of the amputations and because of my mental illness.  Yes, i enjoy pain, and yes i am willing to do most of what is ask of me.  i have made so many wonderful friends in this lifestyle.  i hate to just walk away from it, but i am getting to the point that i am ready to do just that.

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Why do i care?  why does it even matter.  is this me or is it just the bpd?  would someone please make the world stop spinning?  it is making me sick. 

  So, i'm not in a good place today.  i need the security of my collar on, but i can't wear it.  i am useless as a slave, because right now the lack of blood means that i get tired doing little things.  So, where do i go from here?  i guess i can crawl back into the room in my brain, lock the door to it, and throw away the key.  That way everyone is safe from me.  or i like to think so, in reality, it is just me hiding from the world, and peeking through the bars so i can catch a glimpse of what other people are doing.  in time, i may heal enough to come out, but i'm not sure about it anymore.  i guess it has been to long since i felt pain, and right now, i am completely empty inside.  damn the bpd for taking control of me again.  it is a long walk up the mountain to sanity, and i'm not sure if i've got the strength to survive it. 

well, it is time for an update for those following the saga of the crazy sub.  i went to see a new therapist today.  i should have just played sick.  She had no clue what bpd was and when i mentioned my little, she acted like i had multiple personality disorder, which i don't.  she then ask me what was different about my life now than six months ago.  i told her that i was no longer in a committed 24/7 bdsm relationship.  she had no clue what bdsm stood for let alone what they dynamics were.  She concluded that i must be delusional because i thought being a sub to someone was preferable to being alone.  i didn't even get into the masochist part, but she did manage to flip my switch, and my little told her completely off, also told her that she was going to be reported, and that hell would freeze over before i would be back to see her.  and that is a long time, considering that i don't believe in hell .  So, it has been an interesting day to say the very least.

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i was going through my computer this morning and found a journal entry that i had made this past summer.  The subject matter really touched me, because so many people have asked me why would you be in this lifestyle.  i have chosen to include it here, in hopes that someone else might find something useful to take from it.

Some people have ask me why i am submissive. They have ask me how i can let Him do those things to me.  Most of those people are what i and others have termed 'nilla.  It isn't derogatory, it is just that they in many ways might be horrified by the life i choose to live.  i am sitting at my computer, at 4:30 in the morning.  my Master, Dom, boyfriend, Love of my life has finally given way to slumber. as i lay there beside Him, listening to Him breathe, letting the smell of Him pervade all of my senses, i let my mind travel through the thoughts i have had this last week.  as i was traveling through this space in my head.  i happened to run across a very close 'nilla friend of mine.  we sat down together, i poured a glass of tea and began to talk to each other.  Then she asked me why . . . .  and i realized that i had an answer for her.  i am His, because i would have no fear of doing anything He told me to do.  If it could be life-threatening or even dangerous, if He told me to do it i would.  at this point my friend looked at me like i was crazy.  i am, but that is another story.  i told her, when i gave Him my submission, He returned to me the promise that He would never cause me harm.  i trust that if He put a blindfold on me and told me to walk off a cliff i could.  because i know that there would be a net to break my fall and catch me or a million fluffy pillows, or something.  Because He made that agreement with me.  sometimes. . . . i forget about that agreement . . .  that is when i feel lost and hurt and all of those little things that dig into who i am and try to tear me apart.  That is when i need Him most. . . when i smile and sit quietly, often with a tear almost formed to fall from my eye.  That is when i look on my table and consider doing what i shouldn't.  i go into my head and i find the little girl and i give her lots and lots of hugs because she always gives them back to me.  then we sit in the corner of my mind and just cry for a while.  Then she reaches up and touches my collar reminding me that i am not alone, i am not unloved, that i made a promise, gave a gift, and received the same thing back.  that is what that collar is there to make me remember.  in many ways it is like a child with a blanket or toy that they cannot go to sleep without.  i'm not sure if this is making any sense to anyone but me, i just wanted to let my friend know the answer to her why.  it is something beyond what a normal couple feels, it is even beyond an official marriage, it is a level of trust so deep and complete that i am completely and totally bound to Him.  i cannot imagine life without Him.  He is in both my first and last thoughts of each day.  with Him i am both happy and complete.

i am no longer with this Dom, He released me because He said that He could not handle my mental illness.  i have moved on though i believe, as i can now read this without tears coming to my eyes and spilling down my face.

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i believe that the world is conspiring against me tonight.  Don't You ever Leave Me just started playing, i spent several hours talking to one of my best friends about the death of one of my idols who happened to be her boyfriend, and i feel the darkness closing in on me.  There are some days that i regret ever joining this site.  i am impatient, and i detest waiting for the eb and flow of the e-mail here.  So i offer up my yahoo messenger addy to chat more quickly, only to find that people here do not seem interested in a friendly chat, they want your cam turned on and want you to be naked and doing what they tell you to do.  i do NOT play that way.  i have never been the type to play like that.  i believe in getting to know people before i start having cyber sex with them or turning on my cam to let them see what i'm doing. 

There have been Doms before in my life that made me want to go to them and kneel without ever saying a word to them before hand.  i have yet to meet any here that give me that same urge.  i believe that any Dom i choose to give my submission to will also have to be my friend.  it is very difficult to give complete trust to someone that one does not know.  i detest talking over the phone, i like to cam even less than i like phone conversations. 

i ended a dynamic in October, so while i am not looking to jump right back into one, i am over the last one.  it was over months before we actually parted ways.  but if one takes a look, i came here seeking a play partner not a Master.  if i find one while here then yay!  that will be great.  i think that i may have found that one that will meet my needs and wants and be receptive to what i have to offer.  then again, maybe they won't be able to handle the bpd any better than the last one was.  i don't know.

They say that the circle of life for women circles as maiden, mother, and crone.  i understand this, and there are times that i am each individually and there are times that i am all three of them at once.    my maiden is often personified by my little, and she so strongly craves her Daddy, the mother part of me, is where all of my compassion and empathy comes through, i am there to heal whatever i can, be it physical, mental or spiritual.  The crone is encompassed by the wise woman in me, that is willing to take those that are lost and offer them words of understanding, acceptance, and advice.  i probably talk to much, but it is just that the wise woman has a lot to say while she is around.

the things that are regretted in life are on my mind tonight.  to the point that i cannot sleep.  i am tempted to simply write out my entire story here, that way anyone who takes the time to read it, knows what they are getting themselves into with me.  i have spent the evening, not with the what ifs of life but with the what if i had noticed this earliers.  i thought a lot about my last dynamic this evening, He was a good man, kind, gentle, but He enjoyed computer games more than real life.  very few seem to pick up on here that i am pagan, so let me just put it bluntly, i am a witch.  my last Dom was also a witch.  in fact most people that i tend to get on well with are witches.  but i digress, each time that the two of us met whether in a public scene or in the privacy of our bedroom at home, something special took place.  it was more than the joining of bodies, more than the joining of minds, it was the joining of our spirits into one that did a wonderful dance.  He called it sex magick, i simply thought i had found my own little piece of heaven here on earth.  But then i began to learn and study more about what i was able to do, i worked with a mentor, and i began to learn to shield myself.  to keep my powers under control quite a bit more.  when this happened, things changed.  gone was the loving man, who cared for me, there was only the one there that used me roughly and then asked if i was ready to be fucked really good now.  i have been playing this night over and over in my head.  And i have come to the conclusion that if i had noticed this then instead of now, so many months later, i might have saved myself a huge amount of heartache.  i am still new enough to the lifestyle to be impressionable.  i learn quickly though, and in the time i have spent talking with several of You on here, i have come to some conclusions:

1. a lot of people on here are blithering idiots
2. a lot of people on here watched one too many episodes of CSI with Lady Heather
3. Some of you watched exit to eden one too many times
4. i thought i was sick, but omg i am normal compared to a few of you.
5. most of you don't realize that i have enough intelligence to tell the difference.
6. there are a few of You that are real and genuine, those people i choose to maintain a friendship with, understanding that something more may come of it later, but i maintain that friendship because i seek always to learn more.

i do not know if tonight's pondering have any meaning in this lifestyle or if it simply applies to my religious beliefs.  i do know that i felt a compulsion to come here and write this tonight.  i am also not sure if anything i said makes any sense either.  Many of You have ask what i am looking for on this site.  i have given a myriad of answers depending on my mood and the state of my bpd when asked.  i think though that i have found the answer to that question now, it is part of a song by Hanoi Rocks

I was forcing myself just walk through the day
When all I really wanted to do was curl up in a corner and cry
Nothing had any meaning
And I just think let's give it another day and see if anything happens
Then you came along like my own ray of sunshine
Made me feel warm, safe and alive again

i just want to be happy for a change, i don't think it is much to ask.  i am sad most of the time, or empty or both, but anyone who knows me won't ever be able to see it, my mask is that good.  Unless You gain access to my bubble, i will just appear to be a little bit erratic occasionally a bit melancholy.  but without being in that bubble You will never understand the true depths of what i deal with daily.  and while there have been many of You who say that You are ready to be in that bubble, i think that just possibly, You truly have no idea what it is like to be with someone like i am.

i seek to please others constantly, because i need thier approval, i need to be called a good girl on occassion, it is what keeps me striving to be the best that i can be. bpd isn't something that is genetic, it isn't something you are born with, it isn't even caused by any one specific event.  What causes it then?  well, it is the environment that one is raised in and the way they are dealt with as a child.  The cornerstone of having bpd comes from a sense of abandonment.  For me, it was the males in my life that through their own means, or ones beyond their control they left.  i get very fed up very quickly with the people who don't take responsibility for their own actions.  however, there is a bit of truth to that with bpd.  i still firmly say that i am where i am in life because of choices that i chose to make, for better or for worse, they were my choices to make.a psych nurse pointed out a flaw in my thinking though, and that is that people who have bpd don't respond to outside influences in the same manner as someone without it does.  so, yes, i hold myself responsible for any action i do, even when i don't have control over that action because it is a reactionary response to the bpd.    i think that i have said all that there is to say on this at the moment though.  i am sure that i will write more later in the continuing blog saga of the subbie with bpd.

Greetings and blessings to all who are reading this.

i guess that i am in a writing mood tonight, then again, maybe i am just of the mindset that i don't care to deal with idiots and 'fucktards'.  we are on a computer web site, if You can't manage to speak in full sentences then i don't want to speak with You.  If Your grammar is so very horrid that i want to rewrite the message that You sent me with corrected red marks, then there is a problem.  no, i am not a spelling nazi, i just think that if someone is interested, they need to take the time to make sure that the presentation that they make is presentable.

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Greetings to all of You, i have until today had my profile hidden.  i have difficulty maintaining the hidden as i find that i have many things that i wish to put in my journal here. i find that writing in my journal helps me to sort things in my head.  i have had a few conversations with people on some of the messenger programs.  Please understand that if You present Yourself to me as a Dom, and by the end of the discussion, you are begging to wear My collar, then i will not have anything to do with you from that point on.  i cannot respect someone who is begging me to tie them up.  If i can manage to top you within a few simple minutes with a few lines of text, then you will never be strong enough to handle me.

i do not consider myself to be pretty, let alone gorgeous. so if that is Your choice of an opening line to me, then You are wasting the time of us both.  Yes, i am a hard ass and a bitch about a lot of things.  i wear a mask (figuratively) so that very few know and understand my inner workings.  It takes someone very special to get me to drop that mask.  I learned a long time ago that looks are not that big of a deal to those who are part of the lifestyle. 

i once had an online Dom who i had planned to visit, when He gave me instructions on what to bring with me, he included a sweat suit, because i was to fat and He intended to have me work out until i was 'skinny'.  i am who i am, i am 40 and there are some things about me that i am unwilling to change.  Don't try to take me so that You can change me.  a bit of molding is one thing, but to try and completely remake me won't happen.

i also do not appreciate lies.  What is a lie to me?  lies include trying to make me believe that you are something that You are not.  there are a few subjects that i am very good at.  The hair/glam bands of the 80s are one of them.  If you don't like them, that is fine.  When i go into a rant about this one or that one, just tell me to hush, i will.  Don't tell me that You are a massive fan of let's see Hanoi Rocks for example and then prove to me that You have no clue who Razzle was, let alone not knowing the name of their front man, who btw is still active both with the band and as a solo artist.  It won't fly with me.  if You don't know, then just admit it.

as a final not here, the holidays get me down in the dumps.  i do not communicate well when it is the holiday season.  i wish each of You safe paths.

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i generally try to make daily notes in this journal.  if You truly desire to know who i am, then i would suggest that You read what i have written.  As my bulk mail has began to fill up according to the guidelines i set for mail, i shall try to put it here so that hopefully more will understand it.  While i may enjoy chatting with people, i have difficulty trying to seek a relationship with someone who could be either my parent or my child.  i am willing to stretch a bit further on the upper age limit than i am the lower.  Please. . . if you are under 35 don't bother to try and write to me.  i do not need another child to raise.  my upper range (actually my preference) is somewhere between the mid 40s to the mid 50s.  If you are 70 years old, it isn't going to happen.  Also i am pretty sure that i have found the one that i shall offer my submission to.  He is a very nice wonderful man.  i am happy when i am chatting with him.  For those of you who are simply wanting to get your rocks off, i'm probably not your girl.  i don't do phone sex, my cam doesn't work on my laptop, and i do not derive any pleasure from having cyber sex with complete strangers.  While i am both nice and kind, if one approaches me in a manner that they are just out for the sex, then realize that my tongue is very sharp and that i am not afraid to use it.  i will happily rip you up, chew on you and then spit the disgusting remains out of my mouth.  While i normally try to treat every person that i meet with respect, you will not receive any respect from me at all if you can't even bother to write a complete sentence or to spell my name correctly.  i am a slave, i am not a piece of trash.  and believe it or not, when that little wavy red line appears under a word, it generally means that you have spelled it wrong.  Are you so lazy that you cannot right click and find the proper spelling for the word? 

Thank you for taking the time to read my little rant.  one further note, i am currently staying with family and there is a lot of traffic in and out of the house i am in.  so to quote Mr. Axl Rose  Have a little patience.

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Yay!  it seems that all of the scary people on here have quit trying to get me to talk to them.  For those of You who have approached me with kindness and friendship, it has been appreciated.  i realize that some of the things that i enjoy doing classify me as a 'dirty little slut' and that that turns most of you on.  i do request that if you plan to try and get to know me, that you read my journal on being borderline.  while being borderline is very difficult, it is even more difficult for those that spend time with me or care for me.  if you have no clue about borderline, or want to know how it makes me feel, please watch this video.  i am not sure if this describes everyone, or just myself and the person who put it together.  i am not a cutter though, i do not like inflicting pain upon myself, but i need to have pain inflicted upon me.  While it may seem odd to some of You that i discuss this topic so much, i feel that i have to discuss it.  it has to be known how i am before i enter into any dynamic.  enjoy the vid, and be careful watching if you are borderline yourself, it is a trigger.

Greetings to each of You and thanks for taking the time to read over my journal entries.  i have had many people ask me how i came by the nick of spankerz or spanx as most of my friends call me.  i thought that to save time, i would simply answer that question here.  i used to be a moderator on a glam rock site.  There were several of us there, and most called me Mamabear because i was always looking out for the youngsters, making sure that no one got inappropriate with them.  in our mod team, we also had orphan bear, brother bear, baby bear, stalker bear, and Sleazy bear.  Sleazy bear was our leader.  When we finally had proof that the owner of the site was a wannabe fake, we revolted.  Of course Sleazy was the leader, but He made me second in command.  From that point we created our own site, and it did quite well.  then the server we were using decided that they were closing all sites with adult content.  That meant our site as well, as much of the music that we promoted was considered very adult.  so, we began to look for a new site to land in.  we ended up on tagged.  and i had several names on there, depending on how i was feeling at the moment.  but they had a section to add in pictures.  Sleazy and Orphan bear both wanted to see pictures of me as a child, as they had seen pictures of my daughter who was called Tha Glitter Kidd by most in our circle.  so i posted a series of my baby pics.  one of them i am going to try to add to this entry, but when Sleazy saw it, He pronounced that my name was now to be known as spanky, because it reminded Him of watching the little rascals.  so, i became spanky  Because we tended to speak Glamspeak, it was morphed into spankerz and then shortened to spanx.  that is the uneventful story of my nick.  ok, i can't get the right pic to show up, but if you look through my pics you will know which one it is.

hello, if you have taken the time to read this, then i know that you probably have a serious interest.  if You have an interest then there are some facts that You should be aware of.  For lack of a better term, i will refer to them as my rules:

• 1.  i am not looking for a submissive.  i have someone that i care deeply about and that is all of me that there is to give in that dynamic of relationship.
• 2.  i do not do phone sex, internet sex, or any type of thing like that.
• 3.  i am a private person, please do not ask for my phone number.
• 4.  while some submissives actually enjoy degradation, i do not.  if you speak to me like i am an idiot or claim that i am a whore because i am on here, then you will only bring out the very stubborn and very dominant little that is part of who i am.
• 5.  i have a very high IQ, do not assume that by saying this i am trying to boast, it is just a simple fact.  i do not claim to be the best educated or the smartest around; however, i can generally hold a conversation with just about anyone and them not have to 'dumb it up' for me to understand things.
• 6.  i just ended a long term dynamic with someone that i still care for very much as a friend.  if you think that because i am here i am going to just up and submit to someone you are fooling yourself. 
  
• 7.  before you ask to see nude pics of me, don't.  i have had very few ever taken and my previous Dom only allowed a very few of them to be taken in the time that we were together.
• 8.  i don't drive, so asking me to come and visit you is going to get a laugh.  what shall i do?  Have my Mommy bring me?  get a clue people.
• 9.  i have small tits, i have next to no ass, and have skinny legs for a fat girl.  i do not classify myself as a BBW, because that implies that i am busty and have hips.  if you really want my measurements, just let me know.  i am willing to answer any question truthfully that is ask with proper respect.
• 10.  i am a child of the 80s, what does this mean?  it means that i did a lot of things in my youth and i still have a few outlandish things that i do.  Part of that has been that i have helped with promotions for various underground bands.  Mostly those that are considered 'bubblegum punk'  what does this mean?  it means that on occasion i have been known to have blue hair with a section of hot pink running through it.  i am a bit of a rebel and i enjoy that fact about myself.  if this is something that you are uncomfortable with, then don't bother to send me a message.
• 11.  i detest crudeness and stupidity.  i may not have much in this world, but i do have a modicum of class.  i dearly love doing fantasy and rp scenarios with people who have a decent imagination.  i was a geek and a nerd growing up.  once i grew up, i realized that i wasn't exactly like all of my other friends and that i had intrests that most of them did not share.
• 12.  while i do not seek a relationship with another woman, i am not opposed to having a sister.  i have been involved in poly families in an online capacity only.  but as i was a teen of the 80s, i have done things that are not considered main stream, especially for the more prudish of the bdsm world.
• 13. i am a leather craftswoman, every toy that has ever been used on me has also been made by my hands.  i work with high quality leathers and oak.  each toy i make is a personal point of pride with me.  i have pictures available if people would like to see them, but no longer have a working web site to sell my products.
• 14.  i am a pagan.  i identify very deeply with nature and the old ways of my native american culture.  i am not wiccan but follow a similar path to it.  i also celebrate the wiccan holidays and solstices.  if you are so close minded that you cannot abide this, then it is very simple, don't bother to contact me.  As i tell most people i am a recovering baptist. 
  
• 15.  i know and understand most standard protocol within the lifestyle.  i tend to refer to most people as Sir or Ma'am.  if you have a problem with this, then there are plenty of other people on this site that you can contact.
• 16.  i still follow the basic rules that i have had put into my head through the various mentors, friends, and Dom/mes that i have come into contact with.  a.  i do not lie, even if it means that i will get in trouble, i am honest about things.  so please make sure before you ask a question that you actually want my answer.  b.  i always try to be pleasin, yes, it is a southern term as i am a southern girl.  it simply means that i will go out of my way to please and be polite to those around me and be gracious in all that i do.  c.  K.I.S.S.  Keep it Simple Subbie  there is no need to over-complicate matters.  When things are made very complex it tends create strife and drama.  i do not care for either.  d.  No Blame -- find the problem and fix it.  know that if you need help in doing so, you have a family/partner/friends that can assist you and provide alternate points of view.
• 17.  As my Grandmother used to tell me, if you keep your partner happy and fullfilled they will not stray to others.  on the other hand, she also told me that oral sex would send someone to hell.
• 18.  i have a mental illness, i am not using it to make excuses for what i do, just informing you that it is present and that even though i am aware of it, at times certain things will trigger me and i react.
• 19.  i don't care if you are filthy rich or dirt poor.  i am closer to the dirt poor level of things, but my family had money when i was growing up and it turned them into very conceited and obnoxious people.  If you have money, don't expect me to think more of you because of it.  to quote the country and western song 'that don't impress me much'
• 20.  i do have a few physical disabilities.  to date, they have not interfered with my performance as a submissive.  i do not rely on them to get out of doing things, but for me safety does come first.  While i do enjoy several extreme areas, i will not do things that may cause permenant damage to me.
• 21.  i have very few hard limits, but i am also very firm about them.  Don't hit me in the face, this sends me into fight or flight and it also flips my switch.  i don't do any type of fire play, don't burn me, and don't brand me.  all of these things were done to me as a young child and even being around them still to this day causes me to relive the trauma.
• 22.  i smoke and enjoy doing it.  my doctors say that it is my way of self-medicating myself with my mental illness.  for more information on that, please see my other journal entry.
• 23.  i tend to be rather eloquent when i am behind the safety of my computer screen, and can communicate much better that way.  i am very shy in phone conversations, and rather shy in person to person meetings.
• 24.  i know the name of every person i have ever slept with.  i don't have issues with the 'i just need to get a good fuck' mentality, but seriously, don't expect it first thing from me.  i prefer to get to know the people that i have sex with.
• 25.  sex is part of bdsm, but definitely not the primary part of it for me.  i prefer a stable, consistent, steady set of rules to follow.  i don't need to be micro managed, but i do enjoy being instructed to do things that i would not normally choose to do on my own.
• 26.  my goal in any type of dynamic/relationship is to learn to anticipate how to please and serve my partner even before they realize that they were wanting that to be done.
• 27.  i don't do drunks or drug users.  i don't like the thought of being tied in a compromising position and having my top pass out drunk.  so i choose to not play with people who are under the influence of any substance.
• 28.  i have several illnesses.  They are not cop outs, but they need to be stated.  i have poly cystic ovary syndrome, i lost one ovary and tube at the age of 12 and the second  at age 24.  so, if you are looking for a breeder or have a lactation fetish, i'm not your girl.  i am a diabetic.  i am insulin dependent which means that i need to eat on a regular basis and that you need to be aware of what to do if my blood sugar drops too low.  i have both PAD and CAD  i have a stent in my right leg and have had a triple bypass in the last year.  if you have a foot fetish, i am also probably not for you.  i have had a bka on my left leg and have had to have my 5th ray removed from my right foot.  so if you have a partial foot fetish i might be interesting to you. lol
• 29.  i am rather kinky, go figure.  i am usually willing to at least try anything suggested, but am not afraid to tell you if it makes me uncomfortable either.  i haven't gone through the fetish section of the profile to completely fill it out yet.
• 30.  if you have a huge dick, just keep on looking.  i rip rather easily and that is no fun at all.  length is not an issue for me, but diameter is. 
  
• 31. unless you are wanting to deal with my little, don't ask me to call you daddy.  i am 40 years old and none of my actual Daddy's have been worth the pain it took for their mothers to give birth to them.
• 32.  looks are not a huge priority for me; however, i do have two specific types of men that i am attracted to.  one is the military look and build, the other is the 80s metal head look.  i have a massive hair fetish, and love to have a head of hair to run my fingers through.
• 33.  i don't do things with people that are married or in long term relationships.  i have no issues with discretion, but i am not going to be the final straw that causes a relationship to be over.
• 34.  i am not looking for love.  i am looking for someone who knows how to provide a firm set of rules and is willing to enforce them.  i am not looking for marriage, i've been there and done that twice before.  i do not want or need another legal entanglement.

i realize that this is a lot of stuff to digest at once, and that it may seem that i am more interested in having things done my way.  However, that really isn't the case.  i simply do not wish to waste time conversing with someone for a long amount of time only to find that they have an issue with some basic thing about me.

• i live in oklahoma, we tend to be known for being a bit backwards here.  it really isn't like that for the most part though.  i can generally have a conversation on most topics with a modicum of intelligence.  i grew up on a dairy farm, i have a strong work ethic.  before the loss of my leg i was in retail and hotel management for over 10 years.  i am currently living with family, so if it gets to the point that i am talking with you in voice, you need to understand that i will not refer to you as much other than Sir as i do not wish to cause undue concern for my family where my interests venture to.  i am fully aware of how to use a block or ignore button and have no compunction about doing so.  this was all inspired because i made the mistake of talking in voice with someone that scared the hell out of me.  send me into fight or flight mode and you will be amazed at how quickly i disappear.  i am no longer active in any local groups.  when i left little rock i also stopped participating in group activities.  i do not declare myself a switch, it is the statement of so many of my friends.  i prefer a submissive role any time over the role of a dominant.  this being said, i will also admit that i am very opinionated about many things, and am not afraid to make those thoughts known privately with my Dom.  i strive to never embarrass my Dom or to disgrace them.  also realize that just because you claim to be a Dom that i will kneel to you and offer submission.  my submission is a gift that is given rarely.  also, please realize that while i am a submissive, i am not necessarily Your submissive.  i am very picky and choosy about those that i tend to offer submission to.

My internet connection is a bit fickle.so i do tend to get cut off from the net frequently.  There is nothing that i can do to alter this.  it is wht it is, and there is nothing that i can do to alter it.  i do belieeve that i have said plenty in this journal entry for now, so i will shut up for now.  i wish each of you  safe paths and blessings from the Lady.  May your path always be keeept lit by Her grace and charm.  Blessed Be and Merry Part

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Life with a borderline

Many of you probably do not even know what a borderline is, but what it is, is a challenge.  Being borderline means that i have borderline personality disorder.  what is that?  It is a mental disorder that means that i have anxiety issues and a fear of abandonment.  It means that i get scared and i am insecure.  it means that even in the best of times, i have an unreasonable fear that You will send me away.  It means that sometimes, i am very depressed, and sometimes i am very risky in my actions.  it also means that if i begin to feel ignored or taken for granted that i may act out to try and get your attention.  There is no medication to cure this disorder, symptoms can be treated, but unlike most disorder, the symptoms only tend to last for a few minutes before they change.  It means that i see in black and white without shades of gray.  it is a life of yes and no without a lot of maybes or shades of gray in between.  it also means that i can be a real pain in the ass.  But, what it also means is that once you have gained my trust, i am as loyal as a puppy.  i am fine with having sisters in my family, i just can't be completely ignored.  when i am, i hit fight or flight mode.  This is not something that i can control, it is an illness.  The only way to help to control it is to have a very stable environment.  This means that i need consistency and stability.  It means that i have many insecurities and seek reassurance that i am behaving and performing to the satisfaction of my Dom. 

It also means that when i feel threatened or ignored that my switch may flip.  It is not that i try to 'top from the bottom', it means that i become Dominant and i need someone who is strong enough to put me back in my place without causing me serious injury.  It also means that i constantly have a 'back up plan' in case i am suddenly abandoned.  It means that i may try and push you away before you can abandon me.  so, if you are going to chat with me and get to know me, this is something that you need to keep in mind.  i tend to place people on pedestals, even though i know that it is likely that they will fall off of them.

It means that love in and of itself scares the hell out of me.  All of those i have chosen to love have left me stranded and alone.  So, what does this mean?  it means that i can be 'difficult' it means that i can be stressful at times, and it means that i can be a major brat.  i am also usually aware of when this is happening and can take a step back and realize that it isn't me, it is my illness that is making me feel this way.  These are also the times when i need a very strong Dominant around.  One who is secure enough to realize that when i get like this, i need the structure and strength to be pulled back into the place that i belong.

This also means that the little in my head constantly screams at me that whomever i am with is going to up and take off without warning.  i will be perfectly honest about the fact that being with me can be extremely hard, but if You can handle the things associated with my illness, then You will have a most rewarding dynamic.  Why am i trying to shoot myself in the foot by posting this?  Because i believe in being completely open and honest about things.  i am extremely intelligent, and because of this i have an understanding of my illness that most who have it have no clue about.  i require a few minutes of your time each day, even if it is just to kneel in front of you and have you stroke my hair. 

i will defend those i care about to the ends of the earth, but it can be a huge hurdle to get me to the point that i care.  If you wish to discuss this with me, i am very open about it.  Even my doctors will tell you, i won't lie to them about things.  i am more than willing to take a lecture or punishment for things that i do wrong than to feel the guilt and self punish for what i have done wrong.

Am i worth the effort that is involved?  That is ultimately Your decision, but i believe that i am.  Am i psycho nuts crazy?  not really, i am more like a child that has never been shown love and affection.  i am desperate for that while at the same time i despise having it shown to me.