snow

I have also discovered that slaves have needs, and anyone who tells you different doesn’t understand the slave mentality. I have needs, and mine may not be run of the mill, but I have finally accepted that fact. I was speaking to Master whom I respect greatly and he asked me if I was able to be content without the “ritual and trappings”. The answer is no. I have to have those things. I desire to be chained at night, to be made to sleep on my mat periodically. But most importantly, I need to be overpowered some times. To have his hand in my hair and thrown to the floor. I need to be physically corrected when I truly screw up. To be reminded that his will is superior to mine and he will win when he chooses. I am not talking about an everyday occurrence but when I seem to have lost my focus or need to come back to center. When you work outside the house full time, pay bills and generally deal with the real world it can happen that a slave needs to be brought back to center, to be reminded of her place.

I have been told in the past that I shouldn’t need that as I chose to be a slave and that should be reminder enough, but it isn’t. I require the ritual of having him feed me the first bite as a reminder that everything comes from him. I require chains and commands such as “mat” and “blanket” and other commands made just for me in my slavery to my Master. Does this make me delusional and trying to make my life into the fantasy of the books? I don’t think so. I think these are things, which help to enhance and solidify my place in the world. I tried to deny these needs and console myself that as a slave I would be able to serve anyone as I could find comfort and joy in the act of serving for the serving in and of itself. I failed miserably. Because I was not listening to myself, to my soul I was unhappy and made my last Master unhappy as well.

Every girl is different; we are not some fantasy or illusion from a creative writing exercise. We are living, breathing human beings with needs and desires and cravings. What may work well for one girl may cause pain and discontent within another. We need to celebrate the differences and not try to force every girl into a preformed mold of what the preconceived standard of excellence of the masses dictate. It is a strange feeling to experience when your eyes finally open inside, to see what others have seen for so long but you, yourself, have never seen. To accept yourself so totally even if you appear to be going against the grain. I think this is the first step for me in finding true happiness and to be able to say this is who and what I am. And if I don’t match what you think I should be, then I am sorry. I have learned so much about myself from each Master I have come in contact with; they have each helped me to move further down the path. There is no generally accepted path for all slaves. There is only what is right for you and your Master. Goodness, this feels great!! It is like light on yond Marblehead. ~LOL~ I don’t have to fit into some cubbyhole within an endless shelf of kajira to be interchanged with another girl. I am different and I am special and I bring something unique to the table. I cannot be replaced because no other girl can do what I do and I can’t do what another girl can.

I wish I could share this amazing feeling of self-awareness. If this doesn’t make me Gorean, and if this doesn’t make me BDSM, then that is ok; because somewhere out there is a Man who is looking for a girl like me.