ShadowV

A series of seemingly unrelated events over the last several weeks have led me to this introspective share: a series of conversations wit a rather enticin' temptation; a SPAM invite to an account I haven't logged into in years; randomly parsin' the profiles of strangers here 'n' there; and the subsequent inspiration that drove my writin' for a few days thereafter... There's some glorious irony in these coincidental occurrences because followin' the path led me to a post I shared almost three (3) years to the day that I opened the SPAM. It was my 10 random & pointless self discoveries I had uncovered in that season... Curiously enough, it was the last writin' I shared publicly in that same three (3) year time period. In addition to the random nature of the preceedin' events, readin' those thoughts and the various places where we have come to in life, I have found myself in the midst of an awakenin'.

As I have contemplated the nature of these ultimately interconnected events, I realize that I am wakin' from a period of (self-imposed?) hibernation that I had not even realized I was in--but tha's bein' analyzed elsewhere--on this side of it, I wish to drop some discoveries I've made durin' this period of hibernation:

• Jus' 'cause I'm pragmatic & a realist--and I am--does NOT mean I'm negative: I still hope for the best, but plannin' for the worst doesn't make me a pessimist...

• Respectfully, I must disagree wit Mr. Mandela--IMHO, it seems apathy and hatred come far more easily to the human heart than love does. Those who rise above their natural inclinations to truly care for others become the paragons of human existence. But make no mistake: they are the exception, not the rule...

• I'm not as unique as some have attempted to convince me, yet I'm certainly far more unique than others would like me to believe...  

• At the root of it all, what really makes each of us unique is choice. How we choose to process the same experience of livin' life on this backwater, outer rim planet in some random spiral galaxy far, far away affects nearly e'rythang we are...

• They tell us to keep learnin' but more than that we should keep discoverin' AND pressin' our limits. Breakin' those allows for that inner unlimited potential to have a chance at fracturin' the confines of our mortal limitations...

• The most important thing is to master my design--e'rythang else flows from that craved knowledge...

• Masterin' my design has very nearly become my singular focus--e'rythang else flows from that pursued wisdom...  

• Contentment > happiness (and likely equal to joy) as it empowers me to endure more than I realized I was capable of shoulderin'...  

• Cultivatin' contentment in a society that espouses the pursuit of happiness as an innelliable right is fuckin' painful...  

• I-still-FLS! But not nearly as much as I fuckin' love music--frankly, I wish I could run away wit her... What can I say? ¯\_(?)_/¯ I'm selfish... and quite content wit bein' so...

• Bonus: What was tru in my youth when dessert was offered turns out to still be tru all these decades lata: I really don't like vanilla... period.  

• Double bonus: And yes, that still means I'd rather have nothin' than vanilla... X-D

While I'm still shakin' the cobwebs outta my collective consciousness and wipin' the sleep from our eyes and where this will lead is still unknown, I know we have been roused from our slumber and it is good to be awake.

Thanks for checkin' me out... Guess we'll do it again... How's 3 years sound to ya? ;-p

Lata,
/\V/\.

Over the last few months, I've had the distinct pleasure of havin' communicated with several of creation's fairer beauties.  Through the various conversations I have uncovered multiple things--mostly about myself--previously unknown... and beyond my encompassing predilection for our deviant sexual mores. 

Here's ten of'em:

• Khalil's Madman's thoughts on freedom resonate more true than ever before.

• I'm fairly content in my accompanied solitude, but occasionally that chorus of silence crescendos into the howling roar of loneliness.

• If "assumption is the mother of all fuck ups" then presumption is their biological father.

• I'm a demandin' prick, despite my (seemingly?) laidback nature.

• Human attraction, despite its rather simplistic cues, is an exceedingly complex and confusing thing--seems obvious given I started the statement with the keyword "human"--which eludes the full understanding of the greatest scientists and psychologists that have studied it... provin' once again, the more we know proves how little we really know.

• IFLS!

• The line between assertive and aggression is crossed when my simmering anger boils into fury.

• I care far more than I realized... (...and possibly more than I should.)

• My momma was right, "Jus' because someone is good for you don't mean you good for them."  And vice versa.

• The Hunt =/= the game.

• Bonus: I finally understand what I mean when I say "I'm gonna fuck yo' brains out!" 
• Double Bonus: Regrettably, I don't get to say it nearly enough.

I'm out…

/\V/\

I was thinkin' about our aliases...  Now I realize that most people refer to them as merely profile names, but I think there's often somethin' far more significant about the names we chose for ourselves than the ones given to us.   I mean after all the first name we receive is outside of our control...  and typically, so are nicknames...  So these profile names we pick for ourselves are rather tellin'... even for those that merely select the system-generated alternatives--but that's me slippin' into thought and missin' the point--my point is: an alias strikes me as noteworthy in my attempts to get to know someone.  

I rarely ask the question outright, more often searchin' for clues to the why, but the questions are there, "Why did you pick that name?"  "What is its relevance to your life and self-perception?"

Names are significant despite the old quote about a rose smellin' jus' as sweet if its name was somethin' else, but more than that...

I've had similar thoughts about the replies received from those I've communicated with in vanilla and otherwise settings.  I certainly appreciate anyone who takes the time to communicate even if its to reject my "advances" cruelly, but of particular note they are self-revealin' moments of candor.

Of note recently: 

• you might be a bit to much for me to handle ... lol
• Well that was a lot to take in but I have to agree :)
  
• Seriously?!

Now, there's very few things as amusing as good ol' fashion double-entendre, but my absolute favorite: 

• Ok, question..you answered it...lol....X...I'm just a plain jane "old fashioned" girl..lol....all this brain teasing conversation is quite fascinating, but do you ever just say anything, plain n simple, not trying to offend you, but just a lingering question

Sure, I can say this was a clear indicator that we weren't gonna jive, but more than that it's exactly indicative of how things have been in the pursuit of my desires...  So to answer your unwritten questions: 

• Yep, I probably am too much for you to handle...
  
  
• The entirety of me is a lot to take in...
  
  
• And yeah, I'm dead serious about it.

Most importantly, I wouldn't have it any other way...

Deuces,

/\V/\

(( I am feelin' inspired by a manifestation of the Muses... ))

We've been told "the eyes are the windows to the soul."

If that is true then all our communication is an access point to and from the soul.

It makes sense this assertion would be true because communication is as varied as the creatures that use it. From the basest animal calls that warn of imminent danger to the elaborate computer systems that drive our modern world to the subtle nuance of human body language. Every form of communication from what is said to what is left unsaid echoes into the vast depths of our individual and collective psyches.

So, really communication is less an action and more an art form.

Thus it begs the question: What masterpiece can our unfettered shared communication create?

So, I was asked to explain a certain statement of mine:

My sole intention is to consume "her" fully and possess "her" entire existence wholly.

I chuckled--regrettably an insightful sliver of communication completely lost in 'net communication--and considered the question thoughtfully... not because I don't have an answer--I do--but because, I've learned the painful way 'bout revealin' information so I tend towards guarded... But in this instance... I felt free to share and as I did, I felt a tranquility about defining it openly (editted for clarity, brevity and impact):

"Definin' the statement mirrors the difficulty I had in findin' the words to pen the intent in the first place. Obviously words are our primary source of communication, but can words REALLY define some of the most awe-inspirin' phenomena of our world? Can anyone REALLY put into mere words the definin' moments that have shaped who they are? Do words really have that power?

I'm not definin' "possession" like she's is property, she's not... none of you are, but I won't get to far into that discussion. I'm not metaphorically implyin' some sort of religious or hollywood-style possession in which I control her actions... part of my attraction to "her" is that she is "her" own being. I'm not even referrin' to possessin' her in the "24/7 TPE" since either... although I'm certain there will be moments in which I will request that level of trust.

I might as well be attempting to get an astrophysicist to define the spectacle and power of a black hole... but that's pretty close to what I mean.

I imagine her to be an innocent observer that wanders too close and finds herself caught in the sphere of my existence. Time will slow along the edge of our desire growin' in intensity until at last: W/we begin.  I will feed on the energy of her submission, as she is driven by the gravitational pull of my dominance. The resulting release of passion: a quasar visible to the world until at last she is fully consumed into me--two forces of nature beating as a singularity.

Or somethin' like that... at the moment its all theory... but so were most of things we now understand as facts about our universe.

Cool?"

The conversation trailed off after that... but I think I conveyed my intent pretty well.

/\V/\

Musings of the Dragon:

Often, I can't shake this side of me...  Perhaps its the consequence of bein' alone wit my thoughts too much... or maybe the natural evolution of bein' a student of life, but I think and subsequently ramble in philosophical hypotheticals.  Anyway, today's musing is the result of a brief conversation I'm havin' wit a young lady who's discovering herself.

A story is told about an interview done with Michelangelo after the unveiling of his famous statue David.  The interviewer asked him how did he fashion such a masterful work of art. The story goes Michelangelo replied, "I didn't.  I merely carved away everything that wasn't David and this is what remained."

If you keep up wit my ramblings then you know I discoursed on Pain as a Dom/me las' time around.  To me, this is the very goal of Pain... given by life... and its the goal I strive for as a Dom, but most importantly in my own self-control.

/\V/\

Musings of the Dragon:

 I'm certain most will agree with me that the old cliches about Experience being both the best and harshest teacher... if not, certainly Experience is the most memorable of them.  But bein' laid up las' week with severe food poisoning--"Can you say Salmonella, children? Good job, I knew you could."--brought an alternative candidate for the Greatest Teacher of in Life Awards: Pain.

Now I recognize by the cheers from our S&M brothers and sisters, Pain was the winner long before the contest was ever suggested, but for those of us less... pain... motivated, it may not be so obvious.

Amid the pain of forcefully ejecting my internals las' week I learned the following lessons among others:

• A refrigerator should never be warmer than 40º
• Blastin' food w/ high heat or nukin' it doesn't necessarily kill everything
• I'll never have a career in modeling (tha's kinda wrong, but ya know, seriously...)

In my return to coherence, I found myself with plenty of time for reflection and introspection on those lessons and Pain's hand in them.  But those thoughts of Pain led to more memories of Pain's heavy hand in my life and those brought me back to one of my favorite creators, Khalil Gibran.  

**Shout out to Aaron McGruder for puttin' me up Gibran and for the work of art that is The Boondocks.**  

Anyway, in Gibran's most famous work, The Prophet, he pens the following exchange:

And a woman spoke, saying, "Tell us of Pain."
And he said:

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears. 

When I first read those words... I was floored. In fact, each time I read those words... I'm floored. To me they are the very echoing of my personal view and philosophy of BDSM (but that's irrelevant to this discussion--but holla at me if ya wanna discuss it). Anyway, these words came screamin' back to me from the fringes of my mind and I began to contemplate how Pain has taught me... molded me... shaped me... Even as I pen these words, the settling realization of Pain's influence on who I am today and the world around me requires an amendment to my previous thought:

Pain is not merely a teacher... Pain is the Great Dom/me of Existence.

Musings of the Dragon

Perhaps its the professionally intense couple of weeks I've had, but the Dragon is waxing philosophical and I need to vent the irritations...

This is for the grammar police that feel the need to denigrate a post/reply/chat/etc because I use "ebonics" in my writin'...  Yeah... well... I don't.  I use slang in my communication.  And when I say “slang” I mean slang in the generally accepted definition of an idiomatic usage of language.  If for some unholy reason I had meant "ebonics" I would’ve said that… then shot, hung and burned myself for doing so.  

While, I’m consciously aware of the “ebonics theory” and without getting into the (in)validity of it, I personally don’t subscribe to it and NEVER (I do my best to avoid such absolutes, but we all have our hard limits) will.  However, my usage of slang (as I previously defined it), is not a sub-cultural attempt to exclude others but an expression of my complete self.

To cut history down to a few short sentences, I was born and raised in inner city Chicago and my environment has played a huge part (for good and ill) on who I am today.  I’m proud of that upbringing and the challenges I’ve overcome to distance myself from the statistic I was expected to become.  More than that though, when Mayor Harold Washington died of all the things that were said about the greatness of his legacy to Chicago, it was Danny Davis who recalled the late mayor’s ability to communicate with everyone from “the boardroom to the barbershop.”  (paraphrased)  That stuck with me all these years and I model it every chance I get becoming all things to all men that I might win some.

So, my dear officer grammar,  I apologize that my “ghettospeak” grinds your gears, but I can only be me—ghettospeak (at times) and all—so its likely W/we wouldn't be a match anyway.

D'accord?  Bien... merci.

This portion is for those who make assumptions because I'm a male of the species... Yeah, miss, I know I'm on CM, FL and a couple other "relationship" sites across the web, but here's a couple things to keep in mind about this male:

• Jus' cause I checked you out doesn't mean I'm tryin' to bed you--shockin' I know... I mean we all know that any male talkin'  to any female is only doin' it because he wants to copulate with her... but take a deep breath and re-read the portions of me I've shared... Maybe, jus' maybe... I'm sincerely curious about whatever sparked my finger to hit whatever button is used.
  
• Please take a moment to "read" me... While none of us can really define ourselves in a profile... I used mine to summarize a good introduction to me... so readin' it may save you some aggravation from my deliberate approach to life and the Scene.

Visions of the Dreamer:
I push into the bathroom with a weary chuckle, the muggy air heavy with steam enveloping my frame quickly. I hadn't realized I started the water that hot, but was glad I did because it had been running for some time. Shutting off the lights, I shed My clothes kicking them to one side of the floor while dropping My towel on the other. Cautiously, I step into the back of tub testing the water's heat. Satisfied with its warmer than moderate temperature, I move under the pulsating jets of water and exhale fully as their force beats against My fatigue. Although, it is dark I close My eyes allowing the worries of My world to flood off Me in the cascading sheets of water. Finally, My exhales deepen into a tension-relieving sigh and My waking mind begins to shutdown.

Claimed so thoroughly by My imagination, your request is little more than a faint whisper against the envisioned lightning and fantascized thunder of the summer storm I now stand in. Yet, your fragrance entwines with the aromatic waft of the candles you've lit in such a way as to pull Me from Myself. A smirk crosses My lips as My mind finally processes your repeated request. Opening My eyes, I momentarily take in the frantic dance of light and dark as the flames flicker in resistance to the moisture. Turning My head in your direction, I am content to see you addressing me from your knees.

"May i wash You, Master?" you humbly query.

Nodding My head and opening the shower, I take your hand completing the invitation. Without another acknowledgement of your presence, I return to My shower closing My eyes but silently enjoying the sound of your preparations. Tentatively, you reach out and begin to rub the sponge on My back. I soften slightly at your touch, strengthening your courage, and you begin to scrub deeper working up a rich lather across My back and shoulders. Carefully sliding around My side, you continue to lather My upper body cleaning both arms and then start My chest.

A satisfying sigh escapes My lips, as your hands work in tandem with the tepid water removing all traces of My lingering stress. I hear the smile parting your lips, as you work your way around Me again. Squeezing more soap into the sponge, you turn back towards Me and drop to your knees. You start at My lower back, but quickly begin to lather my ass and legs. Although you've hastened your strokes, you still manage to wash every part of My rear before you crawl past My unmoving legs.Kneeling in front of Me, you pause in quiet reverence. Having prepared for your touch but not receiving it, I open My eyes to see you alternating your gaze from My eyes to My firm satisfaction. As O/our eyes meet, your smile is met with a low growl informing you of My lack of patience. Quickly, you squeeze the sponge into your hands, dropping it you begin to rub the suds into Me with long, deep strokes. Alternating hands, you repeatedly rub from tip to base with a steady pace. As the cool water washes away the last of the suds, you lean in and kiss Me softly. Lust consuming My thoughts, My growl returns rumbling into a roar that echoes My soaring pleasure with you across the bathroom.

My eyes snap open quickly adjusting to the emcompassing darkness. I am greeted by the now cold water flowing across My solitary form. Shutting off the shower, the silence besets Me reminding Me you're little more than another conjured illusion of My insatiable appetites and imagination. Drying off, I ponder the very real intensity of My craving for you. Opening the door, I look over My shoulder to where you should be kneeling enjoying the highs of My passions momentarily quenched. 

Tossing the towel there, I walk out the bathroom--once more alone.

Musings of the Dragon:

I am a paradoxical trichotomy... 
Elusively transparent but transparently elusive... 
A mixture of light and dark... 
Day and night...
A contrasts of negatives while an accord of positives...
I am fiercely subdued yet reservedly wild...
I dream...
I devise...
I devour...
Enter the uncontrolled restraint of Three...
Explore the simple complexity of We...
Examine the chaotic peace of Me...
I am Shadow.

Howls of the Beast:

I hunger... I thought... I lurk...
you have been found....
We will feed.

I desire... I imagine... I prowl...
you have been warned...
We will consume.

I crave... I scheme... I hunt...
you have been chosen... 
We will devour.