saralora

2012.10.08

What a disaster.  *sighs*  I went out again with this person at work.  This time, confided in him a little of what interests me.  Well, that was one sure way of having the issue of him coming up to see me all the time be resolved.  I tried my best to explain to him....then, today, received a text stating that his interest had "waned."  And when I asked him if what I volunteered to him this weekend had bothered him, or give him cause for alarm...he just replied that "[I] just don't really understand it."

I feel a bit kind of....blah, about it all.  Frustrated, a bit, too, I think.  I am tired of just working and coming home to nothing.  And work is just getting worse and worse too.  Eh, boy, do I have a case of the blahs.  I even considered calling a certain Sir this morning for help, then thought against it. 

I am watching the Bones show on TV, with the Siberian Tiger...Ok, that's upsetting....jerk. 

So, my mind is all over the place right now.  Geesh.  My body is a bit sore...from the belly dance class this past Saturday.  I am glad that I am going back to classes again.  If feels good, and the classes are much more smaller.  It was pretty cool that the teacher remembered me too.  :)

I believe I am going to close this journal entry.  Enough for now....

2012.10.03  4:12AM

Not a good night for me.  Eh, not a very good few weeks for me, actually.  I have been laying low...putting myself back into my job.  Yep...*sighs*...throwing myself back into some sort of the same routine I was in before, but now, more miserable than ever.  So...mhm...maybe I am a masochist?  Ha.  Truthfully, I do get some small pleasure out of doing some things at work that is seen by a small group as "good."  So...having that stamp of approval, I suppose that is what I am working really hard for...in my job.  Well, actually....it is what I crave....approval and acceptance of my peers.  I so wish to be viewed as equally smart or of...value.  My "Boss" did finally hire someone to help me.  But, I fear, that in my emotional state....that being of my feelings of not being worthy or of value to her...I just feel like she has replaced me.  She is having this person do things, that originally she and I agreed that would be my job to do...those tasks....those are like...well...they are my things that I have taken ownership over the years...and I mean years....and cleaned up and worked hard on.  And she just turned it over to someone who doesn't know anything.  On top of that, I am expected to train this person too.  Work....it's a terrible environment for me right now.  So why in the hell am I pulling 12-16 hour days?  Sheesh.  I am sick.

Here is my other emotional battle...being lonely.  It sucks.  Yep.  It does.  I have these desires...and well, it's not an easy feat to do with just oneself.  Ha.  My favorite author came out with another book....god, I love her books.  I am already half way through it and trying so damn hard to not read it too fast!  I don't want it to end!  *grins*  It's a BDSM erotic type fiction....I so want what she writes about.  I wrote her once...explaing to her how her words and descriptions of things....acts...so described how I felt about things and what I felt would want to explore.  She actually wrote me back...and was honest in writing too.  What a neat person.  So, anywho. Reading her book this week...well, has just made me feel all the more lonely.  What does a girl do to get tied up?  *chuckles and blushes a bit*  I would just...love to feel.  I get it...one must ask what one wants...but it's super hard to ask when you are so shy and like...holy cow, there is so much out there.  Really, not like I am just wanting to follow just any one person...like, "Ok, I'll do that."  That's not me either.  And...I have the ol' faithful emotional scars of trust and fear too, which complicate things.  So, to wrap up my night of feeling sorry for myself....haha...I am fearful, shy, lonely and have trust issues...a smart submissive...desiring a Dominant from some chapter of a book detailing the activities in and out of BDSM club in Florida and California.  Oh!  Wants to be tied up...and feel.  *laughs at herself*  Seriously, I am realistic.  I know, part of it...is just getting out and meeting people too....and not working as much too.  Ha.  My other thing I have got to walk away from...is Second Life.  Playing a kajira there...has it's ups and downs...but, that's not a good place either for someone like me.  Most, are just in it for the game aspect.  Me, once again, take it too seriously.  I wish I had some sort of Jedi mind trick to reprogram myself, I really do.

Ugh, I need to get ready for work.  That's the other thing too...I have this co-worker, that has a crush on me, and for the life of me, I have no idea why.  But it is getting bad.  He now stops by the office...and texts my cell...everyone at work has my number, I work in a tech field, so...that's kind of a given...techs need to reach me, and I need to reach them.  Anywho.  I went to lunch with him...hoping to talk about this awkward situation...ya, bad idea.  Maybe I should ask him to tie me up?  No....no way...just kidding.  I shouldn't even joke about that.  I can't lose my job...so, can't and won't dare mention to anyone at my job about this lifestyle.  Holy cow, they would freak...well, maybe not so much.  You never know...that's one thing I have found out...anyone is into it.

Ok...nearly 5am....need to get my butt into gear and get going.... woot.

2012.09.08

I love music.  Music helps me find calm, put how i am feeling into song...sometimes the words of a song can put to verse easily of how i am feeling or what i would say.   Today, I came across this following song...the music is beautiful and the words hold meaning to me.  *sighs softly*  Good words and tune...

"First to Fall" by Laura Shay

Black and white.
Shades of gray into the night.
I put pen to paper and I write.
I sleep it off, I'll be alright.
Crawling out
Of my skin into the doubt.
Silently I scream and shout 

You have my back against the wall
Oh tell me how to end it all
And I'll be the first to fall, the first to fall
It's my crime
The prisoner of war I hide
I have learned to go inside
I have learned to bide my time 

All the noise, all the noise, all the noise I hear
It never really makes it clear
What keeps me hanging on again
And oh the fear and all the fear and all the fear, all the fear I know
Well it never really lets me go
From this choke hold

2012.09.07

Thank god it's Friday.  Just got home from a very long day at work.  I jumped onto SecondLife for a bit tonight...yep, all of ten minutes.  Nothing going on much there.  Thought I could log in and maybe do a bit of roleplaying, but, no on was on the sim except for a few other girls.  I ended up logging off.

I have a new situation going on at work...I have a coworker that likes me and asked me out.  Lordy, had no idea really that I am liked that way.  He has even invaded my work space a bit, coming around the desk to hug me.  It's so awkward and I have no idea of how to just tell him that I am happy to just be friends regarding work.  Honestly, I am just not use to having someone take an interest in me.  I ended up talking with him for a long time tonight, hoping that my body language and words conveyed that all that I can be with him is just a friend.  Still, not too sure on how to look at this.  Hopefull....god, I so hope so...it has been resolved.

I have all these random thoughts going on in my mind right now about stuff and just having a hard time getting them into this writing.  Maybe, I am just exhausted?  Probably.

*sighs* 

2012.09.05 - Early AM

Ever have an exhausting day to just get home late, change into your comfy clothes and literally just crash on the couch?  Then to wake up a few hours later....with all these thoughts in your head..."don't forget to do this...i need to that..." And because of all these random thoughts you find yourself in a state of restlessness, unable really to go back to sleep....relocate to the bedroom and just lie on the bedroom as your mind just goes and goes and goes.  *sighs*  That is this night I am having.

I hate trying to break in.  That's how it kind of feels...my need to find true friends and form a bond.  I hate my shyness and my lack of self confidence.  I do feel I have gotten better over the years, but still, hide a bit behind a computer...and shoot...barely am able to walk over a threshold to a restaurant of where a munch is being held.  But hey!  The last time, I actually walked completely in and saw the group before quickly turning back out and head to my vehicle.  *laughs at herself*

I have recently begun to understand, that I must first know what I want, need, desire.  This is a hard thing to discover about myself.  It's way much easier to just follow or do for someone because they ask or have a need.  I have never thought it in regards to what I WANT.  Spending time with a certain someone these past few months, has opened my eyes up to this.  I can't "serve" if I don't know what it is I want....to do so just opens me up to dangers and the potential of being just used and ultimately hurt.  I don't want to be used.  I am not that type of person.  That's not my kink.  So, I have spent the last few weeks, just doing a lot of thinking....lots.

What do I want...mhm.  I want a stable solid ground.  I know, I would not make a good "play partner" to somone who just craves a night of rope tying, ass spanking and the likes, then go home. (I am not judging those who do either.)  To me, this lifestyle, D/s, is more intimate than a vanilla type.  Giving my trust to someone is a big deal and I need to feel stable....secure...and assured that my partner is not going to reject me and wants to be with me for more than just one night of play.  I know, I can't just give myself to someone for one night.  I want to connect...and connecting is not a casual encounter with me.  I crave someone who is strong in mental control too.  To me, BDSM is not all about sex.  There is way more to it....which is another reason I am attracted to this lifestyle.  The mental control dynamic pulls to me too.  Just that alone....well....just leaves me sighing.  *laughs again at herself*  Yes, ok...I am a bit of a romantic too, and unsure of how that would play into what I want.  I am not at all very experienced with the whole dating ritual and honestly, the last few dates I have had where just very awkward. 

Whew...been thinking and writing for close to an hour now, and finally feeling able to sleep again.  Which totally figures since I have to be up in less than two hours to get ready for work.  *laughs*  I believe, I may begin journal writing once more...helps me sort out things...and get back to sleep.  Reading what I wrote puts me to sleep!  lol.  Not sure what that says about me.  haha.