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At times it can seem like everything in life is geared towards, dependant on and judged by aspiring and achieving and striving for something new. That in and of itself isn't a bad thing, it's a great thing actually... but sometimes it's exhausting and can give the impression that what is here right now is somehow insufficient or not worthy enough to really be relied on long term.
I have done a lot of unconventional things in my life. I've lived abroad twice and pretty much succeeded in inadvertently doing nothing in my life "by the book" since my late teens. It isn't as such a source of pride for me, but I have no regrets and feel it has brought me experiences, values and perspectives I would otherwise not have had.
I don't do regrets. I don't live for what could be or might be. And I don't live like there's something missing. I make the most of what is here and now. I wish for each moment to matter and have meaning and take responsibility for making it so. Whether good or bad, I want to believe that it is worth taking the time to be in the present. Commit to it and experience whatever comes along.
I believe everything changes with perspective - people too - and that is a big part of why I am here. I am a stranger. No sugar-sweet clichés about strangers being friends not yet met. No BS about being a candidate for some vacant position in anyone’s life. Just a plain real world stranger. My profile, my interests and my journal will offer something to define me by initially, if nothing else then by your own standards – but I hope that you will allow me the chance to speak for myself and over time be assessed on that, on what I express and share, rather than on the more or less successful first impressions we all make on one another in a place like this.
I am here to learn. To take the time, and make the effort to not just see my own perspective. I consider myself a student. Of life. Of the world and its inhabitants. I want to know more. Not from books. Not from fact sheets or analysis. But from people. From hearts and minds.
I don’t seek anything or anyone specifically, but simply to experience and enjoy the moment. I am not the sum of my activities list, so please don't contact me simply based on something you saw on it or find that we have in common. It's not special. It's not fate. It's just big lists and lots of people.
Default emails and standard approaches void of personal references is a pet peeve of mine. So are agendas and "shopping lists". I find it disrespectful and a waste of time. There's plenty of people here who don't consider it so. That's their choice. This is mine. And I closely watch who chooses to respect that expressed preference of mine... and who doesn't.
Please note: Invites to network etc from people whom I have not spoken to or emailed with will be declined.
In others I enjoy intelligence, insight and openness, both in perception and in act. In other words, I am not easily impressed by titles and claims and wish lists. And most certainly not by posturing or inappropriate offers from total strangers. I expect maturity and consideration - even if all other views and wants differ. After all, we are all adults, right?
I took time to fill out my profile for your benefit as well as my own, so if you are interested enough to contact me, I expect you to have at least read it (and that means more than the activities list) - especially if you claim to have an interest in me or intend to make requests of me. Call me pedantic but if your statements are bigger than you are then I think that says a lot and I probably won't be interested. And while I perhaps haven't been entirely specific about what exactly I do seek here, I am very specific about what I do not seek - and for those who prefer the brief list sum-up, you'll find it marked with red after the next paragraph.
PS:
To those of you who are looking desperately for a mention of BDSM and kink I can only say this... It is as much a part of me as anything else I have expressed here. I have done things some might consider extreme... and others that may just as well seem pretty vanilla and wannabe'ish. That's fine... it's not a competition for me, and I seek no prizes for "best this" or "most that".
I have absolutely no interest in:
- Wish lists or letters detailing what you want and what you will do to me.
- Pictures - vanilla or otherwise - from total strangers.
- Default emails of any kind for any reason
- Invitations to stay/visit/play/meet with you simply because you happen to be close by geographically
- Proposals of ownership, training or relationships of any other kind than friend and fellowship.
- chat requests from total strangers
I have photos available to share as and when I feel comfortable and compelled to do so. Please be advised that I hold it entirely my privilege and right to refuse to share them if anyone chooses to ask for them before they are offered and they will never be offered simply because it is asked or demanded of me. If that leaves you to conclude I am fake or hiding something then by all means, believe that. It says more about you than it does about me. I am not here to prove anything to anyone.
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Sometimes, even the best of intentions are not enough to prevent failure.
Nothing more needs to be said.
I need some time, and ask for patience and understanding, please.
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She gently slid her hand up over the
soft wood, feeling how its texture had smoothed with time and wear. A quiet
smile fled across her lips, as the tips of her fingers picked up a faint trace
of warmth. He'd been there not long before. The wood still held the warmth of
His presence. She sighed quietly and laid her cheek carefully against the
armrest as if seeking to extract His touch from it. Wanting for just the
briefest of time to feel His skin against hers. All warm and alive.
A quiet tremor ran through her and she
pulled way, clenching her teeth. It was too close. Too .... evident. It wasn't
doing her any good to be lost in daydreams like this. She should know better
than to give into that. What good would it do her? What good would it do Him?
She hung her head quietly, fighting with tears she didn't want to admit to...
why did it have to be this hard?
She drew away further. Away to the
windows showing her the world outside, covered in pure new snow. It almost
begged to be explored. Without the trails and markers she knew so well it was an
entirely new place to be discovered and all it was waiting for was her. It
reminded her of stabled horses, longing to be taken out for a wild ride across
the meadows... and dogs pacing the floors restlessly waiting for someone to come
home and be with them. It reminded her of herself. And that too was too close.
Fleeing from the window as she had done
from His chair, she sought the fire. Perhaps seeking the benevolence of external
warmth to disspell the coldness she felt within. Staring into the flames as she
had done so many times before, she sat quietly with her legs tucked up to her
chest. Those flames had made her. They had seared away outer layers and excess.
They had burned away impurities bit by bit as they were exposed. And they
continued to do so even now. She wondered if they might be able to burn this
away too. Surely, in the midst of dancing flames she would not be brought to
tears by a lingering touch on soft wood!?
She'd done it so many times before.
Gone there to exorcise something from within her that she no longer wanted or
needed, forging herself anew to stand without it. Yet this time it was
different. The fire frightened her. Some things cannot be remade once charred by
such a flame. She looked over her shoulder to the chair where she knew He had
sat no long before... her eyes training in on the armrest that had received His
touch where she couldn't. A burst of anger and resent threatened to flare within
her. It wasn't fair!
She hung her head quietly. The guilt
weighed heavier than she had expected. She rose again to her feet and approached
the chair. It bothered her that her feet seemed to hesitate a little. She had
known it wouldn't be easy. She had known that for every presence He left in her
world she would come to miss His more. Had she not cried over wet footprint on
the floor from His boots? Had her heart not stopped to find flowers on her desk
and notes on her pillow? Had it not urged her lay her cheek against it every bit
as much as she did with the armrest? And had it not each time brought Him
closer?
She bowed her head and tenderly pressed
her lips to the soft swell of wood, feeling her anger dissipate and give way to
gratitude. It was all she could do to keep Him close. All she could do to love.
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Communication can be a difficult thing at the best of times. And when we venture out into the world through a written media void of facial expressions and voice it is even easier to get lost.
Tonight, I might have gotten lost. A conversation I was having with someone - a complete stranger - turned sour and ended very abruptly. And I was clueless as to why.
So, I wrote a note, asking for insight. And I was granted a new chance.
A chance contingent on me kneeling at his feet. And when I reminded him that he was aware I am with Someone, I was told to ask for release. At which point I politely ended the conversation and left.
"You're IGNORED NOW", he screamed after me. And just to make entirely sure I'd heard his tantrum, he emailed it to me here as well.
I still don't know what ended the initial conversation so abruptly. Which is a shame really. Who knows how what was said was understood. There was no time to explain or ask for clarification.
Ignorance helps no one. And yet still we resort to it when there seems to be no other way to get what we want.... kind of interesting, really...
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Someone asked me recently if I am "well-trained", and at first I was going to dismiss it as a pretty lame question for a total stranger to ask even before the conversation had really begun.
But then I realised that I felt that way because of what it implied. There are so many "between the lines" remarks that are fired off left and right between people here, intended to establish protocol, hierarchy and authority, and to be honest,.. at times it is hard not to be jaded by a question like that. Especially when you know that if you answer "yes" then it will usually mean that the person asking will hold you to his or her own standards, assuming they must obviously be identical to everyone else's - and if you answer "no" then you can be pretty sure to get some kind of half-sleezy comment about "being taught your place" or something equally "enlightened".
Instead I'd love to answer that question for real. Without any presumption or jaded caution on my part. So, I thought I'd do it here... where it isn't directed at anyone in particular and not in response to anything specific, expect for the question itself... which I am incidentally going to rephrase for the occasion:
What does "being well-trained" mean to me?
It means essentially the same to me as being well-educated.
Well-educated means more than just having spent x amount of years in school. It isn't enough to have a degree or a diploma. Well-educated means "informed and capable of applying the learned knowledge within and without the confines in which it was accquired" to me.
So, for a person to be well-trained in my eyes... it means that that person is willing, capable and ready to take responsibility for his or her own actions, and do so actively in life in general. It means not just sitting around and waiting for someone else to have the answers or fix things that don't make you happy but proactively working with oneself and one's life in order to improve and enhance it.
It also means being willing and able to think for oneself. To make choices, even when it is easier not to. Especially when it is easier not to. As a submissive it is so easy to just kick back and let the first and the best Dominant who comes by take over and run the show. It is so easy to slip into a protocol that one doesn't really subscribe to, simply to please the other person. And so easy to just rub people up the wrong way and call it "good training", because it appears pleasing and comfortable.
Well-educated people don't always tell you what you want to hear. Well-educated people shouldn't make a point of dumbing down so that those around them feel superior to them. They may have grasp on rhetorics and diplomacy that makes them pleasant and comfortable to be around, but that doesn't mean they pander to egos. That just means they choose to value establishing communication, rather than outright provoke by being blunt, simply because they can.
Being well-trained is the same to me. If you have been luck enough to have (had) someone in your life who has imparted you with knowledge and information that gives you insight into yourself and others then you are - in my opinion - obligated to honour and make use of that. Obligated to the responsibility of knowing better than to mope and whine and wallow in self-pity and blaming everyone else for your own bad experiences. And that applies for Dominants and submissives alike.
Well-trained in a lifestyle relation therefore to me means having an awareness of both oneself and others. It means acting with the kind of responsibility, dignity and humility that makes this lifestyle safe, welcoming and fun for others to share with you. It means not being dubed or steamrolled for the sake of boosting someone else's ego. And it means knowing that "well-trained"... like "well-educated"... is just the beginning.
The more one knows, the more there is yet to learn...
To me, this beats being able to assume a dozen different positions and serve six fictional kinds of drinks any day. Respect doesn't lie in the title you claim or offer. It lies in the meaning and intent behind why you earn or offer it. And knowing that intent, understanding it and learning how to act on it in the right way at the right time and for the right reasons... THAT is being well-trained... AND well-educated in my opinion.
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During my time here I have had the pleasure of being contacted by some truly marvellous people. People who continue to inspire and uplift me, and who share of themselves freely and without pretence. Some of them I even get to call my friends... *smiles* and I am more grateful for them than I can say.
I also at time though have the pleasure of being contacted by people who tend to think the effort of communication should be on my shoulders, even if they are the ones to initiate contact. They are the ones who usually send a two-liner email, telling me how they enjoyed reading my profile and would I please read theirs.
Now, writing someone just to advertise your own profile... I can accept that if there's actually effort and thought put into the initial approach. But I admit, I find it lazy and off-putting. Especially without the proper introduction.
Then there are those who claim to love my profile and want to talk to me about a potential relationship. I don't know if they think I can't remember what I wrote in my own profile... or if they think I will be so flattered by their interest that I don't care that they lie to me and ignore the fact that I have stated in bold RED letters that I am already taken.
I usually respond to someone like that including a copy-paste of the mention on the profile that they conveniently missed in their genuine elation while reading it.
Some come clean. Some even apologise.... and often I go on to having very good conversations with them about other things. And then there are the ones who just get verbally abusive, shaking their figurative fist and exclaiming that I'm not a proper sub and my Master probably isn't even real... before they then cowardly crawl into hiding behind the block feature so I cannot reply. Usually under the justification that they don't want to waste their time on wannabes and fakers like me....
Their level is their own, and their choice of how much or how little responsibility they wish to take for their own actions and behaviour I am quite comfortable leaving to them.
To those with genuine complaints and the balls to stand by them without resorting to name-calling and personal attacks, I am always more than happy to provide anyone here with my Master's contact details so that they can verify His authenticity themselves and explain to Him exactly why they feel He has made a poor choice when taking me as His.
Or better yet... actually take your grievance directly to me, and expect me to be a mature adult who can and will accept being held responsible for my own actions.
Gosh, what a concept, huh?!
LOL
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I work in marketing and every day I deal with the challenges of getting image and reality to reflect and respect one another. Not to mention getting the owner fo the image to understand that no one can actually tell anyone what to think... they can only influence and manipulate the perceptions and premises given to form opinions on.
And so coming here while still wearing my "work hat" can at times be highly interesting.
"Hi, this is me, and the genitals on the pic here - that's me too. Here's a list of my kinks and what I'd like to do to a real, willing man/woman. Oh and, by the way, it's best if he/she's hot and funny and smart and knows his/her place - even though I am perfectly capable of teaching him/her everything he/she needs to know to serve me, coz I'm a gentleman/Lady and have many years worth of experience. So how about it... do you want to date me? PS, no fakers or wannabes"
In very crude and stereotypical terms the above paraphrases countless sales pitches ... ehrm... I mean profiles... I have seen on here, and while I appreciate that this is also a dating site, and that people have lives and can't always have the time and/or energy to write an interesting account of who they are and why they're here (?) ... surely the above is selling themselves short? Surely, there are better things to say about them? More believable things? Things that make them stand out and seem like they give a damn about something other than instant gratification?
From a marketing point of view can you imagine what would happen if companies started promoting themselves that way...
"Hi, I come from Coca Cola and you should buy our products coz we're the best. We say so ourselves and have said so for years. We're nice and won't make you too fat or sugar dependent, like those other nasty wannabe brands, coz we respect our customers. But you still have to exercise and eat healthily coz we don't want bad publicity. So ... buy Coca Cola! Oh and by the way, you'd better hurry coz there's almost none left in the world, so you might miss out if you don't buy now!!!!"
I can't speak for anyone else but once I am done laughing my ass off and rolling my eyes at that kind of "advertising"... whether it's a brand, a product or most especially a person it really only achievesone thing with me. It gives me such a poor first impression that I lose any and all interesting in finding out more. Which is really kind of sad to me.
Everyone has something to give. Everyone has something of value to share. And it's a shame that particularly in a place like this it rarely ever even makes it through to the very first things offered for others to see ... the profile.
And from the amount of "I am sick of fakers and wannabes" and "Be real, I am" and "I'm giving up, everyone here's just playing games" visible on profiles and journals around this site... I'd say that it is far more likely that this is a case of poor advertising vs. twisted expectations,... than a case of 80% of the members on this site being deceitful, fake and incapable...
But that's just my opinion... lol
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Everything
is in transition. All the time. We don’t always notice it, but
sometimes, it is easy to see. Like in the autumn when the world visibly
changes day by day right before our eyes. There never seems to be
enough time then for all the things we want to do. There’s never as
much time as we anticipated.
Yesterday, it was still summer - warm, vibrant and so abundant we
kind of stopped even being aware of just how much so. And then
suddenly, the light is dimming, the air is cooling and the trees are
all but unclad. Tomorrow, it will be Christmas… and that’s kind of
cosy. Something to look forward to, for sure. Yet how did it get here
so fast when it was only yesterday we were sprawled on the beach and
having late night barbeques with the neighbours in the backyard? Where
did all that time go?
Then New Year’s comes around, and before we know of it we will be
fed up with the January darkness and the February sleet. It will seem
like it lasts forever, and like one day melts into the next without any
visible sign of improvement or difference. That’s when it is hard to
see the constant shift, and time seems almost too long to bear.
For as sedentary as we may seem, we yearn for that change. And we
will move the world to create it during the times when it seems idle.
We set out clocks back, and the throngs of people who before headed to
the beach, now migrate to the tanning salons and the beauty product
isles for light and fake tans … that is, if they don’t actually
temporarily migrate south, like the birds, to where there is enough
warmth and sunshine left to give the impression that summer didn’t
leave.
So busy are we that we unwittingly deem ourselves to have overtaken
transition and now need to wait months for it to catch up again. It
becomes a void, rather than a time. An inconvenience, rather than a
resource.
I looked at a flock of birds, merging into a perfect V-formation in
the sky this morning, and felt drawn to go with them. To seek out
warmer weather, lighter lands and new adventures, instead of just
staying here and waiting… waiting for spring to return, for summer and
flowers and new green leaves on the trees. And I realised that even
before they have disappeared from view I too was already longing for
the change that I can see… for the time that passes quickly and easily…
comfortably. Anticipating what lies ahead. Forgetting what is here.
I couldn’t help but smile at that and think that perhaps it isn’t us who have overtaken and now must wait….
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Instant Gratification...
She pulled out the packet from the cupboard and turned it over to read the label on the back. The list of instructions was longer than expected and she frowned. How hard could it be? She fought an urge to skim the text and just search for the details she wanted and instead made a point of reading dutifully from one step to the next. More than a few times she found herself scowling impatiently at the idiocy this must have been comprised for. Were people really that stupid? Did they really need to be told all this? The fact that the warnings and observations were present suggested that they did.
She shook her head and put down the packet and hunted around for the specified items. While she prepared and emptied the packet into the bowl she pondered how many people actually followed the directions to the letter. And whether it actually made much difference even if they didn’t. It was all the same. The brand rarely mattered at all. Perhaps one flavour or texture was slightly different from the other but truly she sometimes even doubted that. Could it not simply be perception that caused one to be favoured over the rest? She was sure of it.
The empty packet lay on the table before her and she moved to toss it away. She didn’t need it anymore now that she had the details she wanted. The label suggested that it be cut out and saved for future reference, but why should she? After all, if she wanted it again, she’d just get another packet. It would have the same applicable label pasted onto it and she wouldn’t have to remember anything. That simple. Use and throw away. There was plenty where it came from.
As she closed the bin an image flashed through her mind of faces looking up at her. Hands reaching out. Voices that called without words or sounds. She flinched and stepped back. They too had worn labels when she first met them…. Had she followed their directions? Had she even read them? She thought she might have… in some cases. She carefully opened the bin again, reluctantly surveying its contents. Some of the labels still showed and she frowned. Most said the same thing.... “hopeful”…
She felt her stomach turn and swallowed hard against the urge to vomit. She would have sworn it didn’t say that on them before. They had seemed so off-putting in appearance… too garish, too crude, too cheap… that she had dismissed them without paying much attention to the fine print. She never looked closely enough to see “hopeful” tossed in there with all the pomp and glitter.
Slowly the lid drifted shut and she was again alone with her thoughts. The bowl stood where she’d left it. Somehow it didn’t seem such a treat anymore.
Having followed each step meticulously the result showed to be everything promised on the box… still, she felt… let down. She picked up the empty packet again and examined it closer, looking some kind of answer for that to do next. Now where were instructions when you needed them?
She eyed the half-empty fruit bowl nearby thoughtfully. The banana had all but gone brown and the strawberries had seen better days too. Still, she picked them up and started carefully slicing them until a neat pile of red and yellow lay before her. She smiled softly as the scent of fruit filled the air and was surprised to find her mouth watering a little. It made her think of the upturned faces in the bin again... it didn’t have to be that hard, did it? It actually was amazing just how much a little more time and effort could offer…
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Looking at her made me ache. How did one behold such serenity and grace without feeling instantly drawn in? Without feeling intimidated and intoxicated at the same time. I wanted so badly to reach out and touch her. Feel the silken skin under the tips of my fingers. Feel her warm breath against my neck as we embraced. It had felt so final when we last did, and though we’d met again since, it were as if we were slowly but surely parting company. Even now, standing here watching her I felt it.
Tears stung in my eyes and I felt my breath catch in my throat. It made me angry. It made me want to dispel it all like a hopeless folly of the heart. That was what it was, wasn’t it? It was what it had always been. I just wouldn’t admit it. She on the other hand had known, I think. We weren’t meant to linger, yet we did. I did. And she… she was oblivious… perhaps deliberately so out of mercy to my feelings, gracefully letting me escape the confrontation with the truth I tried so hard not to see.
The lump in my throat grew as I caught myself staring at her. I hadn’t thought beauty like that could really exist. I hadn’t thought it was possible to capture and conjure it into form and presence. Every time I came face to face with it, I felt it … felt her… bring a whole new light to the world. A brightness like a summer morning. Warm and gentle… so full of promise and mirth. It made me feel cherished and understood. And most of all, it made me feel at home.
Those arms. How I longed to be held by them. And her eyes… deep dark pools as easily rapt with compassionate calmness as with inescapable keenness. I wanted them to look at me with that kind of love that I had never seen in anyone but her. I wanted her to love me. Not just the way she seemed to love everyone. I wanted it to be something just for me. Something she couldn’t help anymore than I could.
I breathed a deep despairing sigh and turned away, hiding the tears. Those damned tears that kept standing in my eyes. It was unfair. Our passings had been so brief. So insignificant. And yet still I felt clutched by the very root of my heart. Compelled to look. Compelled to yearn, to feel… to hear her laugh and her cries and be enthralled. I knew as well as any what she had been through. She told her story without shame, and with an almost impossible absence of longing for sympathy and glory. She wanted neither. It was enough to be alive to love still, she said.
Love… I found myself almost cursing that in her. How many times had I dropped to my knees and wept when I thought when no one was looking? Wept for her. Wept for who she was and what she brought to those around her. Wept for the choices I didn’t have. For the vain wants I had given such life and necessity within me. Wept for the ghosts and mirages I knew I were chasing. Wept for myself, because I knew I was lost and didn’t want to be found … not by anyone but her. But she never came chasing after me. I don’t think she ever even knew I wanted her to. Or maybe she did and knew better than I that I had to find my own way. That was it, wasn’t it? She knew better… better than I… she saw and knew things no one else took notice of.
It made it hard not to feel rejected. Not to feel unworthy and inadequate. I sighed and closed my eyes, remembering all those times I had witnessed her do what so few others had the courage to. I’d watched her yield and in turn compel the same reaction in me. I smile wryly, remembering how I had at first thought her weak and destructive… to give of herself like that, knowing full well it would lead to more of all the things she sought to escape. Even from afar, unaware of anyone watching, I felt she had spoken to me and passed on what she seemed to know so well and I had yet to learn. Not everything that yields is weak. I had seen the pride in her eye. That humble certainty of being true to oneself in the face of a world who didn’t understand. How could I not love her? How could I not be in awe? And how could I bear to let her go each time our time was up?
Had I asked her, she’d probably have chuckled in that soft self-effacing melodic way of hers, telling me that we’d never really be apart, that I could always come back and seek her again… so I didn’t ask. It was an answer I didn’t want. One I still didn’t know how to accept or believe. So I kept silent and just pretended it would stay as it were, unchangeable and relentlessly intense.
It didn’t, of course. And as I stood there watching her fade I wanted to hate her for leaving. I wanted to run to her and hold on, begging her to stay. I wanted to be selfish and keep her all to myself. I wanted her happiness to be entwined with mine. Dependent on mine. It wasn’t, and it never will be… and deep down I am realizing that I am grateful for that. It would have been too big a burden for either one of us to carry for one another. And looking at it from a more sober perspective, I realized it wasn’t her fading but me setting distance between us. At first in order to protect myself, I’m sure. Then later, to give us both room to breathe and be alive separately.
And now… now, I think it is to keep me true to myself. She would be so easy to follow. So easy to love blindly and get lost in the beautifully reckless abandon of it. I should know… I have done it. I still do in some way, I suppose.
I still look in on her now and then. Her beauty still stuns and takes my breath away. Her presence still wraps me in a sense of loving serenity that makes my eyes sting with tears. I still listen in on her stories now and then, sharing in her joys and sorrows… old as new. There was a time when I wanted to be her. Be exactly like her. I wanted to love and endure as passionately she did. As vain as that was, it was also sad… sad to choose something other than myself and my own potential as my ideal. Love seasons – like wine – and while I am not sure the blazing fire her presence spark within me will ever really grow fainter I do have hope that I will learn to carry it with more of the grace and dignity I have seen so often in her.
At one time I thought that complicated and complex. Now it is just love. It doesn’t have to make sense, though the more I get to know it, I think it does. Love - it is enough. For her… and for me. |
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Today I went for a walk in the forest nearby. Mostly to just enjoy the beautiful scenary, the wildlife and perhaps make peace with the unusually mild winter. Odd as it may seem, I miss the cold, the snow and the frost.
But I also went to forget for a while. To put behind me all the everyday squabbles over this and that. Verbal quarrels about such things as "definition" and "meaning" and "personal opinions" offered on issues that seem to rise and fall like the tide... sometimes they dry out for a while... and sometimes they drown out everything else. Just a natural rhythm, I suppose. Nothing wrong with that. Still, I sought to remove myself from it.
Every now and then something new appears on the sand after the waves have retracted, sparking interest in those to whom it matters or seems important. And I listen... sometimes.
Sometimes, I even learn something too. Or, hear a comment I haven't heard before, making me think. Or find a reason that had eluded my attention until now. Other times, when I think I have heard it all before, I suppose my attention drifts and I am distracted by something more compelling to me. "Shiny objects" as Hrafnkel calls it *chuckles softly*
There are times here when I feel like I am walking in Hyde Park's Speaker's Corner on a busy Sunday... and as often as I claim my own soap box, I cherish taking a stroll and listen in here and there even more. It can be quite interesting at times. And very rewarding.
But today, I went to the forest instead. I sought a world, which is as real to me as the one I find here, only with a lot less complications. It's so simple, functional.. and harbours the same potential to be as ruthless and potent. It's just the way it is. It can though be overwhelmingly beautiful. A matter of perspective, I guess, which of these descriptions apply - and when. Or maybe they complement and enable one another.... curious thought...
But today the tide can come and go as it pleases. Words can be disputed, discussed and exchanged, just as they have been over and over. And those who need or wish or feel the duty to voice their views are free and welcome to do so. I won't be in the crowd today... but many others will, I'm sure. Each for his or her own reasons... and I -- absent - for mine....
Today, I don't want to know what my life is according to a dictionary, to history, to morals and spirituality. I don't want to know what it is in the eyes of people who know what they are talking about, because they live it their own way anyway, just as I do...
Today, there are more important things to preoccupy my mind with than political, grammatical and even moral correctness. There are more valid voices to listen to than those speaking for and against the choices we all make.
Today, there is warmth in winter, trees barren yet with budding leaves months too early... as if spring were just around the corner. There's a cloudy sky with birds hung lazily somewhere between it and earth. It all seems so full of unspoken expectation somehow. Like everything is just there... waiting... breath held in anticipation .... and it seems significant to me to notice that today.
I am sure, when I decide to return to the world of soap boxes, justity and good intentions, they will all still be there. They serve a purpose, one that despite all our different views, needs, opinions and desires still seem to bring us together to share.
And today, THAT is MOST important to me. |
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I am in two minds about writing this. Part of me is puzzled that i should have to... and yet I find myself wishing to express it out of respect for the time and effort made by Some when They contact me.
Please understand, that I am not here looking for a "good deal".
Please understand that I do not wish for Your CV or a list of Your demands and preferences in the first email... nor in the second.
Please understand I am not a customer, so I don't wish to be approached with a sales pitch of how wonderful, experienced and insightful You are. You may well be, but I prefer to find that out for myself in my own way, rather than being told by You.
Please understand that I am not a potential candidate to be Yours. I am a human being... a stranger... who might enjoy getting to know You for who and what You are... not for the role You claim. I am not in a hurry to find a relationship or a partner. In fact, I am not even here looking for it. If it happens, great... if not... then my purpose for being here is still the same.
And finally please understand that sending me a list of demands with how, where and why to contact You is the best way to ensure that I lose all interest immediately. |
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A word of advice....
If You feel You need to force me to obey or "make me" submit... then please pass me by. You are not what i seek.
If You are the One i seek then You will know that i don't respond to brute force. i don't respect it, and i find the need for it weak.
If You do not have it within You to inspire and encourage my surrender and service freely and willingly, then we are not compatible. We will struggle for power, and i will win.
i seek an Alpha, a strong Dominant Person who is secure and confident. Not a bully with an ego who gets off on power trips. That really isn't attractive to me.
So please, think carefully before telling me "what You are going to do with me"... and "how You will MAKE me obey"... unless of course You are seeking to provide me with lighthearted entertainment. |
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It is with tentative steps i return here. Much has passed in the time since i left and for a while i thought i might have outgrown this part of me. Yet now that i am here... it feels right. It feels like something i should not have been so hesitant to embrace again *smiles quietly* ... |
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