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I'll state my case as simply as possible. To wit: I'm a dominant guy looking for a romantic relationship with a sweet, intelligent, good-looking woman who wants to express her love through deep and thorough submission. I'm looking for a stable relationship (or friends), not "play" for its own sake. No doubt, something like play is necessary to figure out if a stable relationship is in the cards, but I'm not interested in messing around with people unless it has at least the potential to develop into long-term companionship.
I'm a fairly introverted fellow who prefers a relaxed lifestyle with an emphasis on simple pleasures. I have many normal interests like reading, hiking, music, travel, and so on. I'm a ravenous consumer of information, and like to think about everything from news articles to philosophical questions to why waves on the beach look so cool. All of these aspects together form a much greater part of my identity than do my sexual proclivities. It should go without saying that I'm looking for someone who shares some of those interests, and with whom I get along personally and romantically, not just sexually. (This applies to friends too, in that I'm probably not going to be friends with you just because we're both kinky. What would be nice is to meet some people who I could have become friends with even if they weren't kinky, but who also happen to be kinky.)
I'm looking for the kind of woman who, when she gets involved with a guy she likes (read: me), wants to be wrapped around his finger --- wants it so much that (even if she doesn't quite realize what's happening) she starts wrapping herself around his finger. I like a woman whose submission is active as much as passive: not just wanting to be dominated, but wanting to find ways to proactively submit. A woman who wants (note: wants, not tolerates) me to make things a little harder on her if that's what makes me happy. A woman who wants a loving relationship, and feels her position in such a relationship is and must be a subordinate one.
Exactly how we implement that is up to us. The mental/emotional connection is much more important to me than a laundry list of physical toys and activities. But those are the basics.
I'm not into "the scene" and, although I am rather eccentric in various ways, I live a pretty normal lifestyle, and I'm not looking to change that. I don't want to sleep around with 50 people to find the one with the best toybox; I want to find someone to be with. A woman's submission is meaningless to me if it doesn't flow from (or at least foretell) a genuine emotional attachment.
This part is important: Although I run my own life the way I want it, I'm a basically nice and non-confrontational person who doesn't like to impose on others or interfere in their business. I do train and guide people in my daily life in various ordinary contexts, but I do it to the extent that they desire that guidance, and I back off if they don't. This means that I'm not going to start "acting dominant" toward you unless and until it's clear we both want that. A lot of women have stuff on their profiles about "I may be a sub but I'm not YOUR sub" and "Don't start ordering me around right away" etc. Well, I may be a dom but I'm not YOUR dom, and don't expect me to start ordering you around right away. Controlling, training, and guiding a woman for my own pleasure and our mutual relationship satisfaction is not something I do for a little weekend fun with my friends; it's something I reserve for investing time and energy in someone special, and if you want to be that someone, you need to make it clear that you desire that control. In short, if you want me to start leading you, you need to hand me your leash.
Here are a couple journals whose vibe is along the lines of the relationship I'm looking for. These aren't my blogs and I don't know the writers, so I can't vouch for everything on them. They're just blogs that often make me go "Yeah, that's something to shoot for."
http://mysubmissionjournal.tumblr.com/
http://sheknowsherplace.tumblr.com/
And here are a couple posts that describe the submissive mindset that I find attractive. Again, this doesn't mean I expect this right away, but it's something to shoot for.
/xspanked-masters-petx-love-cumming-all-over-my
/and-i-will-do-the-things-that-bring-you-solace-and |
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There are a lot of kink-related terms whose meanings people argue over, but maybe the most basic on is "kink" itself. I've come to the conclusion that, in a common sense of the word --- maybe the most common --- I'm not really kinky.
It seems like what most people mean by "kink" is very general, just something like "non-mainstream sexual practices". It also seems that "being kinky" often implies a general openness to non-mainstream sexual practices --- an "I'll try anything once" attitude.
As for me, I basically have one specific kink, which is dominating a submissive woman. In the first place, that only partly overlaps with the definition above, because sexual practice is only one component of this kink I have. In the second place, although I'm super-interested in tons of non-mainstream sexual practices that I see as ways to dominate a submissive woman, I'm interested in them only in that context; they're dependent on the root kink of D/s and have no appeal without that. I'm not very open-minded about incorporating non-mainstream sexual practices in general into my own life. (I'm quite open-minded in that I think it's fine for other people to do whatever gets them off, but that's neither here nor there.) Even pretty vanilla stuff that's mildly kinky in a non-power-exchange way --- like using whipped cream or whatever --- is at best uninteresting to me, and sometimes actively grosses me out.
This means I walk a fine line between kink and vanilla. I'm on vanilla dating sites too, and there I tend to be looking for women on the kinkier end of the population, but here on CM I find myself looking for people on the less-kinky end, because it seems like the average person here has a much broader range of kinks than I do. What I'm really looking for is the complement of my case: a woman who pretty much has one kink, namely being dominated by the man she loves, and is interested in other kinks as ways of implementing that. But that seems a rather rare breed. |
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A word on terms like "24/7" and "lifestyle D/s" and D/s "in the bedroom only" and so forth.
I've seen people interpret these terms in two different ways. Some people interpret them as referring to the physical/visible manifestations of D/s: they think "24/7" means that the slave wears a collar in public, or that "lifestyle BDSM" means that the couple is involved in the "scene" and goes to play parties and that sort of thing. Other people interpret the terms as referring only to the underlying power dynamic: they think "24/7" means that the slave obeys the master in general, not just in terms of sex, and that "lifestyle D/s" means that the couple's lifestyle incorporates power inequality.
Personally, I'm more interested in the underlying power dynamic than in its physical manifestations, so it's no surprise that I'm in the second camp. I'd say I'm looking for a 24/7, lifestyle D/s relationship, by which I mean I want a woman who wants to live her life in submission to me. That doesn't mean she's going to walk around town in handcuffs, or that I'm going to make her kneel and eat off the floor in a restaurant. It just means that she has to be eager to please me, and willing to accept my leadership, not just "in the bedroom" but in life.
As far as the physical manifestations of D/s go, I'd say "in the house" or "in the relationship" would be a more accurate description of my preferences than "in the bedroom". So, yes, I might want to keep my slave naked at home, or make her wear a collar at home, or the like. This is still part of our private lives, but to me "in the bedroom only" implies that it's not just private, it's restricted to sex, and that's too narrow for my tastes. |
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