This is a collection of things my slave has written on her journey as a cuckquean, as well as what it is we're ideally looking for in a girl. Feel free to have a read.
i want to be destroyed. i've wanted it for a very long time. there is something inside me that aches to be taken apart and bashed piece by piece until there is nothing remaining.
i was asked once, a very long time ago what i imagined "being destroyed" looked like and i was too young to really understand it or be able to verbalize it at all. i assumed that telling someone you wanted to be destroyed was enough, why would i have to be any more clear?
i've given it a lot of thought since then and have tried to really figure out what it is that i mean when i say "i want to be destroyed" and this is what i've come up with so far.
- destroy me mentally - reach inside my mind and take all my insecurities, all of my fears, all of my desires and weaknesses and use them against me
- destroy me physically - beat me, cover me in filth, take away my beauty
- destroy me emotionally - make me cry so hard i can't breathe, rip my insides out and cut me deeply
would i like all of these things to happen at once? absolutely! do they have to? not at all. while i would like to reach my ultimate destroyed place one day, pieces of it are hot all on their own ;)
i'm an emotions junkie. always have been and always will be. i'm a dreamer, a romantic, sensitive and creative. i live in the extremes of emotion and love anything that can elicit a reaction deep inside me. i never feel more alive than when my heart is being broken, than when i am in the depths of sadness or when i'm so embarrassed i think i'm going to die. i mean, all of those things suck, yes, but there is some part of me that revels in it and devours that intensity.
i used to think that i was a giant wuss because i couldn't take the amount of physical pain that a lot of people around me were taking. Don't get me wrong, i can take a bit but i'm no hardcore masochist by any means. What i've come to realize over the years however is that i am a much bigger emotional masochist than most players out there and that it's just as hardcore - it's just not always visible. Our "scenes" don't happen on a cross or spanking bench, are not always obvious to those around us and often happen in private, where we are free to really explore the limits of this type of play. They don't leave any physical scars either.
The last few months i've been on a journey of self-reflection and growth and i've been trying to understand this part of myself. i've been reading a lot on the subject, have talked to a few people in the scene who push this to the limits and have attempted to break down what i like about this form of play, why i'm attracted to it and how i will be able to handle the level of play i truly desire. somewhere someone described it as being able to take the pain and flip it into arousal. That's been sitting in my head for awhile now and i think i finally get it and have a name for it - The Stomach Flip.
Recently, as Master and i have started really pushing the limits of this play and entering a whole new level of intensity i have found my stomach tied in knots almost constantly. When i sat and read an email from Him last week and realized that it was a deion of Him getting his cock sucked earlier that day i went through the following reactions (in a matter of seconds):
1) Emotional pain aka kick in the stomach
2) Hardcore adrenaline rush throughout entire body
3) Cunt gush and extreme arousal
I have no idea why or how i process emotional pain this way but i've become more and more comfortable with it over time and have learned to embrace that side of myself. i'm pretty sure you are either wired this way or not and looking back now i see all of the signs that i was into this. i'm at the point now where i want to take it further but there isn't exactly a roadmap for the places i want to go and it's a little daunting. i don't see people talking about this very much and also feel like it won't be well received in public. so i'm taking a tentative step and sharing my discovery with you all so that i can better understand and embrace my inner emotional masochist and so it may help others.
P.S. benefit of having your stomach flipped all the time? no appetite!
as i start to understand more and more about myself it's becoming abundantly clear why cuckqueaning is such a good fit for me. over the past few months i've begun thinking about it more and more and we have started to play again, just dipping our toes in really, but enough that i can see i've matured a lot since the last time we tried this and am in a completely different headspace to do this now. i've also gotten a taste for how intense this play can be and am officially addicted to that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that gives rise to the most overwhelming arousal i have ever felt. i am trying to understand it all and why i am attracted to it so much, it's not exactly the simplest fetish on the planet and there isn't much to go on, so i'm doing the best i can and sharing it all here so others can learn from it.
why i make such a good cuckquean:
1) i'm an emotional masochist
this is a big one and probably the primary reason this play works for me, i'm able to turn emotional pain into physical arousal and take that jealous, stabbed in the heart feeling and create an arousal so intense it's almost blinding.
2) i am loved unconditionally and secure in my relationship
none of this would be possible without my safe place, my Master, and the bond that we have together. you have to have a very sturdy base before you even think about attempting play like this and i'm lucky that i found that person in life and am able to explore these parts of myself. you also have to have a very deep relationship for this kind of play to really work, the more you love the more it can hurt, which is sort of the whole point of all of this. but again, without that safe place to return to, you can't put yourself on the line like that, it's too dangerous. after almost 10 years together i'm only now 100% able to take that leap.
3) i'm a slave
cuckqueaning is a natural extension of my role as a slave and fits in perfectly with our M/s power dynamics. what turns me on the most about all this is Master taking what he wants, when he wants, without any regard for me. it's the power that he wields naturally and especially over me that gets me going and is so fucking sexy.
4) i'm a hungry whore
at my most primal i will lick, suck or fuck just about anything and Master can easily take advantage of this. it also means i'm an excellent prep and cleanup girl. i'm realizing i'm not as straight as i thought i once was and am starting to identify as pansexual.
5) i'm domestic
i love all of the fun things that go along with the mind fuck like buying condoms for him to use on other girls, cleaning the house for his guests, preparing meals and buying their favourite drinks, leaving out supplies, etc. just that alone is fun and incredibly arousing! i love all the little details and could spend days doing that kind of stuff.
6) i have a weakness for wicked women
this is something i'm just starting to understand and haven't explored very much but as i look back on my life now i can see how drawn i am to cruel women and it explains a lot of bad friendships throughout my life. a lot of cuckquean fantasies involve the other woman ridiculing and humiliating the wife and this is a huge turn on for me. unfortunately it's also really hard to find a play partner that is able to be both submissive to Master and Dominant to me, but there are varying degrees of it that can work well. the ultimate cuckcake or mare as they are known would be a willing accomplice to my destruction and take as much pleasure in humiliating me as they would fucking my Master (the equivalent to a bull in a cuckold relationship).
7) i can go a long time without an orgasm
while i find my hands down my pants almost constantly, i don't cum often or easily and can happily just play with my bits without a release for a long time. chastity can be a big thing with cuckqueaning just as it is with cuckholding and while we haven't really explored this in a huge way, we would like to. being horny and desperate is hot and a state that Master likes to keep me in. i've gone probably weeks, i might even dare to say months in the past without an orgasm and probably could again. although with all of this sexiness that may be a new problem! i find with the intense arousal state orgasms come on much quicker.
as i start to understand more and more about myself it's becoming abundantly clear why cuckqueaning is such a good fit for me. over the past few months i've begun thinking about it more and more and we have started to play again, just dipping our toes in really, but enough that i can see i've matured a lot since the last time we tried this and am in a completely different headspace to do this now. i've also gotten a taste for how intense this play can be and am officially addicted to that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that gives rise to the most overwhelming arousal i have ever felt. i am trying to understand it all and why i am attracted to it so much, it's not exactly the simplest fetish on the planet and there isn't much to go on, so i'm doing the best i can and sharing it all here so others can learn from it.
why i make such a good cuckquean:
1) i'm an emotional masochist
this is a big one and probably the primary reason this play works for me, i'm able to turn emotional pain into physical arousal and take that jealous, stabbed in the heart feeling and create an arousal so intense it's almost blinding.
2) i am loved unconditionally and secure in my relationship
none of this would be possible without my safe place, my Master, and the bond that we have together. you have to have a very sturdy base before you even think about attempting play like this and i'm lucky that i found that person in life and am able to explore these parts of myself. you also have to have a very deep relationship for this kind of play to really work, the more you love the more it can hurt, which is sort of the whole point of all of this. but again, without that safe place to return to, you can't put yourself on the line like that, it's too dangerous. after almost 10 years together i'm only now 100% able to take that leap.
3) i'm a slave
cuckqueaning is a natural extension of my role as a slave and fits in perfectly with our M/s power dynamics. what turns me on the most about all this is Master taking what he wants, when he wants, without any regard for me. it's the power that he wields naturally and especially over me that gets me going and is so fucking sexy.
4) i'm a hungry whore
at my most primal i will lick, suck or fuck just about anything and Master can easily take advantage of this. it also means i'm an excellent prep and cleanup girl. i'm realizing i'm not as straight as i thought i once was and am starting to identify as pansexual.
5) i'm domestic
i love all of the fun things that go along with the mind fuck like buying condoms for him to use on other girls, cleaning the house for his guests, preparing meals and buying their favourite drinks, leaving out supplies, etc. just that alone is fun and incredibly arousing! i love all the little details and could spend days doing that kind of stuff.
6) i have a weakness for wicked women
this is something i'm just starting to understand and haven't explored very much but as i look back on my life now i can see how drawn i am to cruel women and it explains a lot of bad friendships throughout my life. a lot of cuckquean fantasies involve the other woman ridiculing and humiliating the wife and this is a huge turn on for me. unfortunately it's also really hard to find a play partner that is able to be both submissive to Master and Dominant to me, but there are varying degrees of it that can work well. the ultimate cuckcake or mare as they are known would be a willing accomplice to my destruction and take as much pleasure in humiliating me as they would fucking my Master (the equivalent to a bull in a cuckold relationship).
7) i can go a long time without an orgasm
while i find my hands down my pants almost constantly, i don't cum often or easily and can happily just play with my bits without a release for a long time. chastity can be a big thing with cuckqueaning just as it is with cuckholding and while we haven't really explored this in a huge way, we would like to. being horny and desperate is hot and a state that Master likes to keep me in. i've gone probably weeks, i might even dare to say months in the past without an orgasm and probably could again. although with all of this sexiness that may be a new problem! i find with the intense arousal state orgasms come on much quicker.
Journal Entry | 2 Comments · 8 Love It |15 days ago
first off, for the record, this is NOT one of those "my Master has tasked me with finding a sister slave!" kind of writings. he did ask me to write about it, but only so that others could see my own perspective and thoughts.
in the last several months i have been going through a pretty major transformation and it has been a period of intense personal growth beyond just my sexuality. after several years, i started thinking about cuckqueaning again and started bringing it up with Master. i've been practically begging him for months to start seeing other women and have encouraged him to develop a relationship if the chance were to present itself. He was understandably hesitant at first, because it hasn't always been healthy for me in the past and he wanted to be sure i was truly ready to take the step i was fantasizing about. over the last few months i have proven, as much as with actions as with words, that i HAVE changed, that i HAVE evolved and am in a much better place to be able to enjoy this type of play with my Master.
so here we are, seeking a submissive to add to our lives. we have been looking for the right person for a short while now but both came to the conclusion that putting it up here, on , may be one of our best resources for finding that person, so why not use it?
what are we seeking? first off, please read my Master's own words as he explained it all very well. the following are my additions and own thoughts.
essentially we are looking for a young female submissive, primarily for my Master, who we can also play with and enjoy time with together on occasion. you would be a welcome addition to our life and we would help guide and train you, supporting you in any way we can. i should be clear that this is NOT a co-topping situation and i will never be dominant to you. i am here, however, as someone with experience being a submissive and slave and going through very similar training myself. i'm happy to share whatever wisdom i've gained over the years and help you along your own journey as there are bound to be bumps in the road, especially at the beginning.
so, why do i want a submissive for my Master? let's face it, i've been well trained for some time now and while i still need reminders once in awhile and there's always room for improvement, i'm not the doe-eyed, never been paddled submissive i once was, and that's ok because a well trained slave is a great thing to have. but i love to see the spark in my Master's eye when he is guiding and training a newbie, how he is at his very best personally and sexually and really comes alive. it's something he has always had a passion for and has a whole lot of experience in and also something i think is missing in his life that he yearns for on occasion. yes, our life is wonderful as is and i think we could both go our entire lives completely monogamous if we had to and still be very happy and fulfilled, but i really do believe that by opening up and allowing others into our lives and even hearts, that we are supporting the very best version of ourselves and have a chance at true happiness.
things you should know:
- you will never be his slave. this is a big one and my only caveat really. i am comfortable with more than most but we all have to draw the line somewhere and this is mine. my Master also has no desire to own another slave and me and our child will always come first for him.
- we expect you to be free of std's and to be able to prove that (we will do the same) and also to be "relatively" healthy and sane. :P
- we have no time for flakes or negatives in our life. we have very little free time and it is precious. be serious about this and willing to put in the time and effort.
- you will primarily be in contact with my Master and will develop a relationship more intimately with him. your time with him is just that, yours. while i love to hear details and learn more about you i have no desire to know everything and expect you to have your own private relationship with him that is separate from me.
- i hope to develop at the very least a friendship with you and possibly more depending on the person and how it develops over time. i will want to play with you sexually on occasion myself and you should be open and comfortable with that. we should also be able to hang out and do normal things together.
- you will not have to humiliate me, dominate me or hardcore cuckquean me, that's not what we are seeking here. i mean, if it develops into that and it becomes natural - great! but we are happy to seek more occasional, outside sources for that kind of intense switchy play.
- so how is it cuckqueaning for me? simple: just the act of him having a submissive is cucking. i won't be there every time you play, but i will probably have laid out the toys he is going to use - and clean them after. i will probably lay out a towel, soap and gifts for you to use while you are here, buy your favourite drink and snacks and just generally pamper you, even from afar. i would also love to treat you to spa treatments, massage, even sexual pleasure, but that will all depend on the person and comfort level. i know it's weird because there's an arousal thing there for me, but ideally the perfect person is into that or just doesn't mind and is happy to enjoy the pampering.
- we have experience playing with others, to varying degrees, and this isn't our first time at this. it has ranged from very casual to a submissive relationship that lasted about a year and while things haven't always been perfect, we have learned a lot over the years and are in a better place because of it.
so, if any of this sounds like something you would be interested in, please feel free to send either of us a message. it would likely start casually, we would see if we all clicked and then develop it from there over time.
The following is my own writing on the subject.
Looking for a submissive female exp lvl not an issue.
What is it we're seeking?
Well, that's a loaded question at best in life isn't it? laughs
I'm going to start this off by prefacing the fact that we're a
Master/slave couple who are dedicated to one another in ways that
most strive for in life.
doll and I have been together for 10 years now. During that time we
have explored the lifestyle in more ways then I can seriously recall.
At times one of us will turn to the other and say "Hey remember that time
we..." and we'll just smile and laugh and nod nod nod.
So to the jist of it.
We're looking for a submissive play partner. Now before I go any further I should clarify a few things. We're very real. We're very in love with one another, and neither of us are looking to do anything behind each others backs that we haven't discussed and negotiated between us in great detail.
Whoever we allow into our relationship as a submissive partner would have to realize that first and foremost, doll and I are inseperable as a couple. Nothing you or anyone else could do or say would ever change that. In our lives our child comes first, our relationship as Master/slave comes second, and all else falls in line after that.
We are into a variety of different kinks. Ranging from the subtle to the wild. We aren't looking for someone who's into ALL THE THINGS that we are or have been interested in. That would be unrealistic and foolish at best.
So what is it we are looking for?
- someone open minded
- someone who's keen on being controlled in many ways not just sexually
- someone who's kinky or who's curious about exploring various kinks
- someone younger then doll would be ideal. The thought of the younger hotter submissive her Master controls is arousing to doll. Keep in mind doll doesn't think she's all that hot...women...i don't know what to say about that...she doesn't see what I see or what the rest of the world sees, she thinks most younger girls are hotter then her.
- you need to be realistic. Knowing that we're a family and we have obligations.
- you need to be willing to be in touch daily on some level or other.
- you need to be bisexual or bi-curious.
- you need to be fun, and funny. You have to have a playful side and not always be 100 percent serious, or we will drive you bonkers.
- we aren't heavy partiers, but we do enjoy letting lose from time to time, if your against that at all, that would be a deal breaker.
- you have to be ok with the fact we have a child, and that limits us in certain ways.
- we have a cat, and are looking into getting a dog again soon, you have to be ok with the fact we are people who have pets in our lives that aren't of the humanoid variety. :P
- You have to be ok with the fact we are social in our D/s, we attend events, and we are part of the community here in Ontario.
- You have to be close enough to the GTA that meeting on a regular basis isn't an issue.
Things you can't be.
- 87. Way to old. I know I know it's ageism...but I'll live with that moniker
- disrespectful of others kinks or interests
- close minded
- judgemental
- rude
- arrogant (nothing wrong with being sexy and knowing it but don't be a self centered the world is about me type person)
- It's ok to be shy, it's even attractive to be shy, but you can't live your life in a closet. Our closets are full of all our skeletons, and knick knacks :)
- Unrealistic with expectations
- you can't be Domme and only Domme. I would find it pleasing to find a girl who could Domme doll, and still submit to me, however I realized in saying that, that it's something that might have to come over time. For some reason alot of switches find doll intimidating. She often even comments on the fact she doesn't get the rude messages other girls get from guys, as if it's because she's not hot or something. I think it's because people realize we're very serious about our relationship and that she's owned property, however it could just be that men find a 6' tall hot blonde woman intimidating period. I dunno to be honest :) She's the perfect height on her knees ;)
- you can't be in a committed monogmous relationship. I'd also say we're not interested in sharing a submissive with another Dom/Domme. I'm personally interested in having a submissive to teach/train, and who answers to me and me only. There are plenty of Dom/Domme folks out there who would willingly trade their submissive for time playing with doll, although I'm not entirely against the idea time to time, there is little attraction to me personally of this type of arrangement being an on going thing.
- You can't be Itami. I know he'll take great offense to this, but he takes great offense to most things :D (Had to do it bro!)
I know I know. You've taken the time to read all this...and now your left wondering..."But what's in it for me???"
- If you haven't been yet, you'll be introduced to the community over time attending events solo with me, or together with doll and I.
- You gain the insight from doll herself of what it's like to be a submissive female
- Every Dominant out there trains girls his or her own way. You will be trained in a way I myself find pleasing, this will involve some protocol, physical training as well as guidance
- In submitting to me, your giving up control to a Dominant who's been in the lifestyle actively for 25 years now. With those years comes experience exploring different aspects of D/s and BDSM, as well as someone who's experienced in sharing that with others.
So, in closing. We're interested in finding a young submissive girl, who's intrigued by our relationship dynamic, including the cuckqueaning aspects, and who is playful and fun to be around. One would think that's an easy find. Personally I've always found just putting it out there to the world often times has a way of making things work out in the long run.
Feel free to message myself or doll, if your curious or interested at all. Please understand that anyone is free to message either of us at anytime with any questions about anything. We're always happy to chat and help others along in life. You may also ask for references if you wish at any point, neither of us have any problems with supplying references from people well known within the community here in Toronto. Other then that, here's hoping your having a great summer and your getting all the sun and fun you can before winter rears it's ugly head again.
Retro and doll
