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(Aug 11) I'm seeking advice. I am in a long-distance relationship and it's making me crazy.
I am a very intelligent person and very adept at figuring people out. My bf and I have been together for a year, but again, it's long distance therefore comes with all the crap that it brings. Given my past, I had no idea I had a sub side until he brought that out, so it's relatively new to me. But now because of my past, it all makes perfect sense. The things I thought I needed to run from, I need more than anything. Though it's something I've fantasized about my entire life. I want and love to be used and abused, but with love and compassion. It's a terribly hard mix to find.
(Feb 12) NEW ---------> I am looking for...... yeah, I got nothing... :) I know what I want, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't exist. My "situation" has made me Queen of Cynicism and I'm not liking that very much... from my current relationship (if that's what you want to call it) to people from this site, I've gotten a bit jaded about love, relationships and what will ultimately make me happy. I know who I am, I have a great job but with weird hours but I need that "something else". At work, I have to be very much in control and take charge, and it just makes me miss submitting to the right person that much more.
I do know that I need to connect with someone, even if it is just a "friendship" thing, before giving up too much of myself, including my mind, thoughts, needs, etc. Honestly, I can walk into any bar at any moment and someone will "listen" or have a one night stand. I'm not looking for a one night stand. Been there, done that and quite frankly, my drawer of toys can fulfill me more than some schmuck who thinks he's wonderlover and is satiated after 23.2 seconds... no thank you. I may be a submissive, but I know what I need and what I want. And mere seconds of lust with a little slap on the ass and a tug on the hair is not it.
I have an incredibly complicated situation, but I'm pretty easy to figure out. I think it's just going to take the right guy with some real balls to get there. But yeah... I think I'm worth it....
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Still here... and pretty much talked out. Still in the same situation, though things have changed a little, they are pretty much the same. My head is in a different place, somewhat better than before but my heart is stuck.
I have a full time job now that keeps me very busy and is incredibly stressful and I work crazy hours. But I am open to chat... direct the right questions and it could fuel some conversation. I don't get on here often so if I don't answer right away, please don't be offended or write me off. I am not an initiator by nature, generally private and untalkative... but when I open up, I'm a completely different person. |
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Digital Art and Graphic Design are huge loves of mine and it helps me get my deep dark feelings out in a constructive way. I will be posting original digital art here and I would appreciate positive feedback only. These are incredibly heartfelt and meaningful to me, as they expose certain areas of my psyche that I usually keep hidden. So, if you don't like them, DON'T LOOK AT THEM and keep your negative opinions to yourself please. ALSO, these are mine and mine alone. I know I run the risk putting them on here that someone may reproduce or copy them, but please, for fucks sake... be courteous of my time and work and leave them be. Thank you. |
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My situation has changed some. Things have gotten incredibly rocky in my ldr. In some ways, I see things more clearly, but in others I am more confused. He has given me permission to see other people if that's what would make me happy; he said he doesn't want to "hold me back" because of our distance. He said he is doing it because he doesn't want to be selfish considering our circumstances and the fact that it could be a very long time before we could ever be together, if at all. I see it as a rejection. Call me crazy... My intuition tells me the relationship will be over soon, and I'm still very unsure why I'm still hanging on. My best bet would be that it's because of the constant mixed signals I get from him, but I've recognized those are to keep me in my place. But I've decided to be open and possibly explore new opportunities should they come my way... but after everything I've been through with him, I'm very cautious and wary. Things have recently happened to really challenge my trust issues and I hope I am not too cynical to not recognize the right person, should he come along... I have my walls up... I have to protect myself... but as the saying goes: I don't put walls up to keep people out. I put them up to see who will knock them down. It may take a little effort, but I'm worth it. |
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