ps

I have been offline for about 3 months and received a crapload of updates, which I have no clue how to delete. Oh dear....more work

Happy New Year and may it bring you the best partner !

What I am....
(my journal is full of hints) ****


What I am not...

In the interim...until I decide to write about what I am... ( *** see above)

I am not married. I used to be. I am not bitter about a divorce. I am not an ex from hell. (lol)

I am not a mother. I could have been but time passed more quickly than I thought it would.
I have no regrets (so far).

I am not bisexual.
I am not lesbian.
I am not polyamorous.
I am not poly-playtoy.
I am not an American (so far)
I am not insane.
I am not ill.
I am not desperate.
I am not in a hurry...
I am not a little-girl-type; naiveté doesn't suit my mind well..
I am not a toy . Amen

To be continued ? .... naaaaaah....to be changed...eventually

To Whom It May Concern or To Seekers of Truth:

Ladies and honest Gentlemen aren’t excluded (until proven guilty-as in dishonest),

The purpose of this letter will probably be clear by the time I finish writing it. At this point it serves as the purifier of my mind and another point of view that I hope  might help someone who’s experienced the same phenomena as I did; the disappearance of the seekers  of truth.

 I have learned that when a man (here) as on the most chat sites, writes in his profile that he seeks truth, we shouldn’t automatically assume that they are also offering the truth. They are honest when they say they want the truth out of you. That means that if they ask for your photograph, they expect to receive the current photo of yourself, and not the one of your hot neighbor, your friend or a model from Uzbekistan that was printed in a very limited edition of 5 and is very hard to come upon by entering in Google search engine “me-hot”, “me sexy” or “me-irresistible”. It also means that when they ask you for your phone number, they expect you’ll give them correct number and answer the phone when they call.  It doesn’t mean that they will give you their own photos, their phone numbers and share their personal information as openly as you expect (in return).

Some of these men call themselves Dominant and here and there they also say Master. This is because I am writing about men who frequent websites, chat rooms and message boards that cater to a group of people interested and active in BDSM, or D/s (Dominance/submission) or sometimes called “alternative lifestyle”. Granted, this kind of men can be found in any place, and any lifestyle but I am focusing just on “our kind”, or those we wish were our kind.

If you are still reading this, then you might find interesting to read what happened to me, only yesterday, while chatting with one of these Seekers of Truth (that is not his nickname but it is a hint). Hopefully, the webmasters don’t block your profile because of truthful hints.

I first became aware of BDSM ten years ago. During that time I’ve had wonderful experiences regardless of the fact that my first awareness of the lifestyle was through the online forums and chat rooms. Such venues are very good for learning the theory, educating yourself and connecting with like-minded community before you dip your toes into the real world and start exploring and living what you seek and desire. I am absolutely certain that if the Old Guard people (as in Lifestyle Pioneers) had internet at the time they searched for their partners, soul-mates, playmates or lovers, they would have tried exploring the internet. They didn’t have that option, so they did what they had to do and we should only be grateful for all the hell, storms, noise and criticism they have endured so that we can have it easier today. Any comparison to Jesus Christ is unintentional and accidental. Although, sometimes I wonder if it would have been better that if we didn’t have it all “this easy”.

Back to my confession! Are you still reading this? Good. I promise to tell the truth and only the truth so help me God. So help yourself. God won’t help you unless you help yourself first.

After all these years, even I sometimes log online and wonder if by some magic or coincidence, just at the same time, somewhere in the world (hopefully short-distance), some DOMD (Dom of my Dreams) will also decide that he had a long busy day and it’s time to relax and see if some enchanting submissive is sailing through the internet waves.
It happens! Rarely - but it does and there is proof of this out there in the world. So, why this wouldn’t happen to me? It might. I just might be that lucky one. And it just might happen today. And if it doesn’t happen, perhaps it will be an hour well spent in an interesting conversation. They sometimes refer to those as “intellectual discourse”. It is true,  check the profiles if you don’t believe me.

So, I’ve got a mail message, checked it out and it was from a man who immediately mentioned art and literature. Now, I am a sucker for those. Hint to me that you love art and books and I will grant you my response. At least one. So, his ice-breaker was clever, and we submissives just love clever dominants. We really can’t imagine giving ourselves willingly to those without intelligence or to those which we share no common interests. This man at least proved that he read my profile or my journal long enough to catch the common thread. Got to give him a credit, right?

I am careful, which is fine, because it has served me well so far. It has also often made me feel very unique. Is it possible, I think to myself, that I am the only one who is giving them hard time? Is it possible that I am too careful? Sometimes they tell me that I close the door before I see what is behind it. Maybe I do. But, considering the risks, it is a risk I am willing to take. So, I count on their patience, persistence and consistency. I figured out that those who are out there to play won’t spend too much time with me. They will move fast to an easier target. Especially if the target they seek is the one to help them find a masturbation partner fast. There is nothing wrong with masturbation; even I admit to indulge myself in it from time to time. I also admit that mutual masturbation is better than solo, when you have no other options. However, that is not the reason I sit behind the computer screen. Remember, I am sitting there because I hope I was that “one lucky one” (clever smile inserted). So, he sparked my interest because he didn’t ruin it by prematurely engaging me in sexual discourse. Hints were there, but subtle. Subtle is good, it hints to patience and class (in my mind).

We exchanged the usual information, spoke a little bit about mutual interests, and eventually conversation switched from art and literature, to lifestyle and sexual preferences. Again, all well measured. I enjoyed talking to this man. He asked me for a photo and I laughed. Not yet, no, I still needed more information from him in order to trust him with my photo or more private information. Although, when it comes to sharing a photo of my bottom, it is easier for me to share that, than to give him my phone number or my exact location.  I was not sure if after three hours of conversation his patience will last much longer. Again, it was a risk I was willing to take. I always feel that if a man is in the rush, he is welcome to walk away.  Of course, I hoped he wouldn’t walk away, so there was a subtle dance. Offer a little, to keep the spark going, to learn more about the person, to reserve a “walk-away-space” in needed. Ask a little in return, to check if you are both dancing to the same tune.

After a while he offered to share his web-camera so I can see who I am talking to. I accepted that offer only after he promised (twice) that he won’t flesh his raging hard-on at me, or the semi-raging one. I wanted to see the face. So, he showed me his face and it was a face I could continue to dance with. He has teased me that by the end of our conversation, he’d definitely arouse me. I immediately questioned it and said that flattery doesn’t work with me, and arousing me is something he’d have to invest more into. He sounded confident that he’ll have no problems with that.

At one point he said “ Of course I will arouse you, you are submissive and you haven’t had sex in a long time” . I answered “So if I am submissive without a dominant, you count on my vulnerability ? Just remember that I’ve endured for many years, and I can endure for a few more” . So he grinned, still confident and I also grinned on my side of the screen because , even though, there was a slight suspicion, I still liked the man. I didn’t tell him, but he was starting to affect my mind a little. And if you affect my mind, you are closer to other parts as well. I already started to think in myself, well, I don’t care much for phone sex, I don’t care much for masturbation, but if he is really good, maybe, after all these years, maybe I will just give him a chance.  Now, many doms/men  at this point get frustrated. They have courted you, they have charmed you, they shared a photo and you are still reluctant. What sort of a submissive are you? Certainly not a horny one !.

Eventually, I have decided that sharing few photos with him won’t terribly hurt me, after all I won’t be sharing the explicit ones. I saw his face, he can see mine. He can even glimpse at my bottom. That is about it. There is a limit of my sharing with very charming strangers with potentials. So the sharing went well, and now he wants my phone number. About an hour later he’s able to get the number from me.  I told him that I really hated him at that point. I am not sure how he took that. For granted? Well, I did hate him a little, because he was able to extract in one chat lots of truth from me, because he was the Seeker of that truth, he was able to get my photos and to get my phone number. Why wouldn’t I hate him a little? I’ve given him some control over me. A tiny one, but still, he’s got more than many other did in years. So, I hope that he will be as charming on the phone as he was in the chat. I also hope that my new phone provider won’t mess up the conversation too much. Ever since I switched the phone provider, even my mom at times isn’t sure who is calling when she hears me.

The phone rang. I answered. He said “So, you still hate me?” and I answered “ Surely I do”.  He asked” so what are you wearing?” and I said “ The same pj I described”…and then there was a silence. Hello?..Are you there? Helloooo?

And that was it. Disconnected. No return phone number. I checked ID , it came from “unknown caller”.  You give a man the benefit of a doubt. I checked back on IM, and he is not responding there. I checked back on CM…sent a message that our line was somehow disconnected. I still believe that it was accidental.  I send another message to say that I will wait ten minutes.  I check the “sent mail” and see that he has read my messages. He was online.  He did not respond.  I sent a last message “ I see you read the mail, I won’t bother you again. Goodnight”.

Mystery of the mysteries ! Would a man really spend 3-4 hours in a light and witty conversation just so he could add few more photos to his collection or another phone number to his trophies?  I have no clue. It just added one more doubt in my mind. Next?
I am not sure if I’ll really give any “next” any chance. How about you?  (s)

The moral of the story is: When they say, they seek the truth, it really doesn’t mean anything. 

Be careful.

Well hello!  You really do sound sweet.  Loving.  Your profile really did catch my attention.  No; you don't sound like the 'ex from hell'...but then again, it is kinda early to tell.

I just got done with work (I am an engineer), and the gym (not a body-builder, but in shape), and would love a chance to hear more about you.  Since we are both online it seems, care to chat a little?  If not, I am in no hurry.  We could be pen-pals a while.

I have some candles lit, the jazz playing, and a little of your company would make a chilly fall afternoon complete!

Let me know...

HOW TO BE A SCENE PARIAH

It begins when you arrive. “Dress discretely” said the invite but you know it doesn’t apply to you. You wear leather chaps, engineer boots, a military cap tipped at as rakish angle and a belt like Batman slung with every toy you own. Look, there’s a friend in plainclothes talking with a couple clearly not dressed for the scene. He’s carrying a gym bag and seems uneasy, as though he wasn’t expecting to meet these people here tonight. Greet him by his scene name as you pass. “What’s up, Floggermeister?!” and smirk at the poisonous stare he hits you with as you step inside.

As you pony up the admission, consider whining about the price. Seven dollars? Someone had better play with you tonight for that kind of money. To put yourself in the mood you sidle up to the bar for a double scotch. Hell, make it a triple. Don’t forget to stiff the bartender so the house comes to regard us as cheapos.

You wave at Frazier who glowers back at you. He can’t still be mad about the wax drippings you left all over his equipment last month. Isn’t some submissive supposed to take care of cleaning up? You join some other friends including Jack who offers a frosty hello. He’s not ticked about you showing up empty handed at his party two months ago, and drinking all his beer, is he? True, bringing a vanilla first date without telling her was bad form, but that’s water under the bridge, right? After some banter, you start telling stories about some pretty girl you want to play with “We get together all the time” you assure your skeptical friends. Share lots of details about what you did together, and to show how discriminating you are, explain what a boring player she is. Repeat whatever snippets of gossip you’ve heard to add validity to your yarn, while your at, invent some elaborations of your own.

A woman joins the circle and expresses interest in a dominant named Steve. “Do you mean Steve Johnson who works at Lockheed but really works for the CIA? What a dweeb! He doesn’t know anything! Why not consider playing with me?” She regards you with a look you might give someone with a large insect squashed on their forehead and excuses herself.

Some other friends show up but you’re already bored. You can form friendships in the office your here to score! Tonight!! To liven things up you tell a hysterical joke about two Irish Faggots that had ‘em howling at the bowling league, but strangely it does not go over well and once again you find yourself on your own.

A second woman approaches: pretty enough, but a bit on the heavy side. Grimace at her full hips, and comment on her weight. women love that. Shows honesty right? Besides Kate Moss could walk in here any minute. Still, she bravely asks if you would like to play. Just dismiss her commenting on the busy schedule you have planned.

Ah, here comes someone you would like to play with. No Kate Moss, but more attractive (to you) than the other one, and dressed in dominant attire. She’s already talking to someone else but butt in anyway. Keep repeating how pretty she is, and stare, if you wish, at her breast line. Ask again if she’s sure she doesn’t want to play right now. Hey, She might have changed her mind! You paid seven bucks after all. It’s the houses job to keep you entertained. Plead with her. Beg. “Can I please!!!!!” you whine, trying politeness as a last resort.

When that fails to work out, you go prowling for others. You spy a new girl, swarmed by guys, and thinking quickly you differentiate yourself from the rest grabing her ass. She turns slowly and laughs. It worked! She’s in the bag! “My, what a friendly place.” she purrs. “I think I’ll get my coat now.”

What a shame. Such a pretty girl, and yet, obviously not serious about the ways of the scene. Maybe its time you checked out some scenes in progress, so you duck into the back where the real play usually takes place. A gorgeous dominatrix works on a plain looking gentleman stretched on the St. Andrews cross. “Boy she’s a real piece, Huh?”, you demand loudly to the guy standing next to you. “What’s she doing with him?” Heads turn, but by now you’re used to this response. Inch forward into their play space. Who knows? Perhaps they’ll invite you to join them. Instead, the dom stops and asks politely if you would mind moving back a bit. You depart in a huff, without returning her apologetic smile.

Ah, good ! Here’s a whipping being done by a man who clearly doesn’t know what he’s doing. Don’t hesitate to dis him for his inexperience. Why are there so few “real dominants” like yourself. And how does such a dweeb have such a nice girlfriend anyway. You step forwards barely missing getting swatted in the head yourself and begin offering helpful advice. He gives a half smile, and a polite “thanks” but shakes his head when you volunteer to demonstrate. Dumb shit. How does he expect to learn, without consulting a “real” master such as you.

Denise snarls and turns away when you smile at her. Strange. She used to be so friendly before the first and final time you played together. That was some night, you must have had her on that cross for forty minutes. It was packed, people were waiting for their turn, but you showed your mastery by hogging it for over an hour. Perhaps you overdid it by ignoring her safeword, but its important to show how stern and commanding you are. Why is she being such a bad sport? Come to think of it almost no one has played with you since then. What is with these people?

Wait! Stop everything! There’s a woman you haven’t hit on yet, quietly talking with Mistress Judy. Kind of big boned but sexy. . . in a Sigourney Weaver kind of way. Ogle her all over, and switch into pickup mode. Good! She’s smiling and batting her eyelashes oh so coy! Judy’s smiling too. You’re getting laid tonight after all! As you begin your pitch she’s smiling and - my, what a deep laugh! No! She - Good Lord! “FAGGOT!” you yell over your shoulder as you stride angrily away.

No it has not been a good night. To make things even worse, Big Mark, the unofficial one-man-security-detail is eyeing you intently from a nearby stool. You flash him a big grin, but he responds by just staring through you. You complete another circuit but strangely find no one to talk to. You hear snatches of conversation, people making plans to get together and recollecting parties you didn’t hear about. What is everybody’s problem? Can’t they see from all your gear what a serious player you are?

Closing time, and a crew begins dismantling the equipment. Instead of offering to help, grab a last round for the road, stiff the bartender one final time, and head out.

Jeeze. Another night with no play. Maybe you should stop coming. Everywhere you go its the same: People you don’t understand how to accommodate a genius such as you.

And people were so friendly when you started coming six months ago.

10-13-07
19:53 

It’s been a long time since I woke up like this..like this morning. Caused by a dream that is already evaporating from my memory, but tingling skin carries remnants of the lust created by those dreamy tossing in a bed.

There was a school or perhaps a large corporation, can’t tell, does it matter? My skin is on fire. There was a man , whose face or name I can’t recall back into a memory, but I still know, now awaken like this; that all I wanted from him was to ignite my body on fire and take me  immediately.

Dream carried him away and my other self (the one from dream) searched halls, offices, yards for him. I saw his friends and my eyes asked what I did not say aloud. They said nothing but I went on to look for him.

And then I woke up ! Damn dreams !

(this may one day grow into a poem, in the meantime....I am on fire ! )

It's so easy to fill in the profile when you click only on things that you either dislike or hate. Nice feature!

I don't believe in having an insight into the person by reading what actions, hobbies and BDSM choices they clicked on -automatically-. I prefer to find out details through conversations.

Seems that it will help if I add this in order to save each other's time:

Don't contact me for possible relationships if:
- You are married
- You are a switch
- You are bisexual
- You are submissive
- You are PolyAmorous
- You look for sex only
- You want a threesome partner
- You want cybersex
- You want erotic stories to help you  masturbate
- You are much younger than me
- You are not honest
- You are Gorean
- You are a Vampire
- You already feel offended by my list

That said, understand that I have nothing against you personally if you  identify with any of the above listed preferences/styles. Feel free to contact me if you wish to discuss them, if you wish to understand why I listed them. I love various topics; I love to understand what makes people different. I just know  that I wouldn't be compatible with anyone in a D/s relationship  who is so different from what I desire and expect in my own relationship.

Spell-checker is free. 

Amazingly, it appears many (more often dominants than submissives) are afraid to use it.

I am not perfect and I sometimes make typos and I don't spell-check usually, but when I notice the error I go back to correct it (and I take constructive criticism with gratitude). One of the gigantic turn-offs, while reading profiles,  is the horror of reading multi-misspelled text.

I beg you..Use something ! Anything to write better !  MS Word page? Ask some nice submissive to proof read it? Anything, any----thing----but  posting entries with excessive errors.

 It really looks dreadful when there are too many mistakes. Look….It is hard to submit to a dominant who can't spell. Ask anyone…go ahead…ask.  It just seems like a wrong thing to do. How to submit to someone who doesn't even care to read twice what he posted?  

Ok, off my soapbox now..and back to reading profiles.

It is just a moment like that….random action of a hand on the keyboard and a

finger pressing “submit it”.

Random Thoughts # 3 today

I am not ready ! Now what? Do I give up? Do you work harder to make me ready? Do I struggle to be ready? Do I ignore my cold feet? Do I take one step at the time? See? We don't really know (sometimes) how to walk that space between "needing" and "being ready".  So, when I read profiles or hear words "be truly ready", it is an incentive to skip that chance because my cold feet are telling me to keep walking, even if my eyes keep looking back , looking sideways, looking around...hungry eyes and cold feet aren't compatible.

Stopped by to return DVD to the rental store, left the car running, radio playing.

Two teenagers sitting on the curbside, cute and ohhh so young ! Where did the years go? I remember when I was that young.

Returning to the car, and the young man asks "Who's that?"

I am confused for a moment.."Who is who?"

Young man: "That...on the radio..who is that?"

It brought smile on my face...finally one question I could answer with certainty when it comes to music...

"That is Tina Turner !"

Young man: "Cool !"

New York was great for a weekend visit and I am happy to be back home. I have forgotten the city noise (except when I-95 trucks roll by me). I have laughed a lot over the weekend and spent great time with my friends.

On the way home I've decided to finally stop by V.I.P. store to check why so many in CT complain about the store...curious to find out what they offer. V.I.P. stands for "Very Intimate Pleasures", so I knew I'd find the usual array of sexual toys there, but hoped to see some of the SM stuff too...it would be just proper if so many residents complain about the new location. Right? (wrong?)  :)

I was disappointed. They have overpriced lingerie, few of them are actually fine, but majority is glorified Chinese import. I forgot to actually check if all of it was made in China. They don't carry any products to clean leather, but they have some stuff to clean sexual toys. It figures.

Lots of dildos, lots of cheap blindfolds, cheap underwear, cheap shoes, some mediocre floggers, mediocre crops and , amazingly,  a whole section of the store devoted to butt plugs(no less)..Glass ones. They were not Murano or Baccarat but they would slide (so to speak).... I suppose they have a purpose. 

 Lots of very funny bumper stickers, funny greeting cards. I walked out with empty hands and this tells a lot. It is almost impossible for me to walk out of the store empty handed, but this was not so difficult to resist.

Off to watch a movie...

I responded politely back, he responded back saying age is not important, asked for my photo; then I responded back saying that age is importat to ME since I'd feel uncomfy having a dominant who wasn't even born when I started school and that I may send a photo when I know him better, since I don't want my photo to end in someone's "CM babes" folder.

(I responded saying that his response made me very happy that I was smart not to send him photo, since he changed so fast).

Eight years ago...at this time, this week, this hour..I've experienced for the first time submission. What a great time it was and how little I have known then.  Now memories are coming back and they make me smile. Does it happen twice in life? I don't know. For the last six years I've mostly remembered and thought if it never happens again, then I will still smile when I am 50 and 60 and 70...when I close my eyes and think of July 1999.

I never went back to "vanilla life" after that. I simply stopped having relationships.

Alright, that is it for today's entry.

Some profiles and journals here are truly wonderful. When you read them you still have some hopes left about people who really know what they want from others and for themselves.

Just read one profile from a dom in another state (such pity !) that is a  keeper. It lists all the reasons that don't make one submissive. And he's right on the target.

Once upon a time there was one dominant man who liked to write. And he wrote really well. One of his articles was probably the most copied "dominant credo" there was on various BDSM websites. It started like this:


"I am a dominant man. I am not dominant because I am superior to you..."

It is nice to see that even ten years later the article is still read by many. It is also used by many on this site as their own profile.

It would be nice if the credit for it was given where the credit is due. It was written originally by Michael P. 

Even he has changed it over the years and today some sentences are still there, some are personalizied a little.  Way to go Michael P.  your words still resonate, wherever you are *s*