pinniped

More years ago than I like to think about, my first girlfriend and I did some kinky play.  We were inexperienced of course and didn't have anything in the way of equipment, but we had some fun - or at least I did.  We stayed friends for a while after we broke up, and she told me that while she had enjoyed some of it at the time, she didn't have any plans to continue it with her new man, and did have some negative feelings about my persuading and perhaps pressuring her a bit to participate.  (We were teenagers; neither of us really knew any better at the time.) So I made up my mind that I wouldn't do that again.  I had no intention of giving up the idea of kink, and in fact became more interested in it, but I decided I'd look for someone who was already into it, who would come into the relationship with compatible desires in that area.

Well, on the whole, this has not worked out very well.  My next girlfriend wasn't interested in a sexual relationship at all, though it took me a while to come to that conclusion (I was willing to wait, but not indefinitely).  A few other women I've gone out with knew me well enough beforehand to know that it was something I was interested in, and they were not, so the relationships proceeded on the basis that they were never going to be too serious.  The women I've met who did have an interest in kink, I just haven't meshed with, one way or another.

A number of people have advised me that I shouldn't narrow my search so much.  Some have pointed out that there are women who might not be looking for kink, but who, if they became enamored of me, might well get interested if it's something I want.  They note that being upfront about the fact that I am into BDSM, that I am a crossdresser, that I have financial troubles and suffer from depression, are all things likely to prevent women from giving me any consideration before they've gotten a chance to see my more positive traits.  It's the old saw about waiting till the third date or so before dropping any kind of a bombshell. 

I just don't know how to do that.  It feels like dishonesty.  It also means having to risk getting to like someone and then having her reject me once she hears the real truth.  And even if it "works" it means finding someone who sees my odd points as things she can live with, rather than things which are actually a plus.  

Of course, a lack of self-confidence pretty much dooms any man, no matter what he's looking for.  I'm told you have to believe you're attractive before you can attract someone; but I'm kind of an empiricist, and I find it very difficult to believe I'm attractive when experience shows that I do not, in fact, attract anyone.  (I've never been hit on by a guy, either - not that I am looking to be, but it still might be flattering.)  

I don't know what the answer is.  I'm open to suggestions, but when you come down to it, I don't really want to change - I want the world to be different, and it's being pretty slow about cooperating.

I wish I were dressed as a princess, and had a strong, handsome, and just slightly cruel woman here to ravish me.

Kind of sad that the same two ladies invariably appear at the top of my search list (and really, about the same two dozen have been on page one for about as long as I've been using CM).  Of the two, one is clearly not looking for me, and the other I've written to with no response, so I'm assuming no mutual interest there.  Same for most of the rest of the list -- either incompatible, or I've written and not been answered.  How often do we get new ladies here?  

I wonder if it's somehow intrinsic to the nature of BDSM - or at least, of online BDSM personals - that compromise is about as popular as it's gotten to be in our political system; i.e., non-existent.  It seems as though everyone has their rigid idea of how things are going to work in the relationship and is not interested in any deviation.  (I except the type of sub who just says he/she will do anything, since I'm pretty skeptical many of them actually mean this.)  

I mean, sure, there are some things I won't compromise on, either.  I couldn't be in a relationship with a smoker.  I probably wouldn't be able to handle a serious relationship with someone with young kids.   I couldn't love a woman who can't accept my cross-dressing in some form.  

But there are plenty of other areas where I may have my fantasies and preferences, but where I can see plenty of room to figure out exactly how things would work with a particular lady.  There are plenty of kinks I am interested in exploring but which I'd be willing to forego if it doesn't appeal to my partner, and plenty more than don't appeal to me particularly but which I'd be willing to try if it's what my partner wanted (and in some cases, the fact that she wanted it would in itself make it more appealing to me).  

I guess today I just looked over a handful of profiles and thought "Oh, come on, get real."  Some of them were the sort where it seemed either the lady was psycho or actively trying to scare people off (or is almost consciously trying to attract the kind of sub with completely unrealistic fantasies and expectations), or there was a bit of wishing for the moon.  Don't get me wrong --  subs are often as bad or worse, but I don't read as many of their ads as I'm not looking for a sub.  But it almost seems like trying to get into a BDSM relationship from a sub-ish position is like trying to qualify as an astronaut or something.

Looking at the profiles of Dominant women, it really seems we're approaching this in completely different ways.  I mean, I suppose that's to be expected since we're looking at this from opposite viewpoints.  But the ones I look at seem to be very specific about what they are, and even more, what they are NOT, looking for.  Part of that, I'm sure, is that many of them are bombarded with tons of messages from guys writing to every Dominant woman in sight, with little to indicate they've even read her particular profile.  Maybe they have to be that particular to have any shot whatsoever at finding the wheat among the chaff.  Still....even for those who are not ProDommes, there seems to be an almost businesslike approach.  Whereas, while I will admit that I've got some very specific kinks I hope to indulge, and some definite deal-breakers as well, I'm really hoping to find someone I can be friends with, too...and I'm not picking up much of a sense of that in most of these profiles.