Pagan4u

Happy Thanksgiving to all!   I am truly thankful for everyday.  While I don't like being alone, as I move forward, I am happy with where I am and who I am.    

Another entry in the dating saga......I was contacted by someone on this site (no naming names) and he seemed to be everything I was looking for.  We chatted online and I asked to meet since he was living in a nearby town.  He was transferring from Texas to NH.  We had read the same books, liked the same authors, shared the same sense of humor.  It was a lovely evening, a vanilla first date.  Lots of laughter and some flirting.  Just getting to know one another.  After three very fast hours we hugged goodnight and then nothing for a full week.  I sent him a note that night, thanking him for a wonderful time and how nice it was getting to know him and he responded in kind and then nothing.  I dropped a couple quick IMs of the week just to say hi and nothing.  He finally confesses after a week of silence that his "Lady" is moving up from Texas to be with him when he buys the house for them.

Is it really that amusing to lead someone on?  Is it a kind of sadistic kink to hook someone, reel them in and then cut the line?   I would think an honest friendship would be so much worthwhile then nothing at all and I would have been fine with a non sexual friendship but now I know he is a lier and a player and I don't even want to be friends because he just can't be trusted. 

Thank you for once again reading my little rant.  I feel better just posting this entry.

Why do people who do not know me, never met me and haven't even tried a conversation decide that they want me to be in their circle of friends on here?   Please rethink this silly impulse.  Saying you are friends means you vouch for that individual.  Someone who does know me would look at my friends and think that they must be ok and that would be completely true on my profile.

 What about on yours?  Do you really know your so called friends? 

After almost 2 years of searching, I am loosing hope that I will ever find that special man.  I have been on countless meet and greets and first dates and I just have not found the right combination.  I have even searched through the vanilla sites.  The old saying, when you stop looking it will happen keeps sounding in my head.  

For the first time in my dating career, I dodged and hid when my "date" arrived at the meeting place.  I was attempting to reach out to someone I thought had culture, intelligence and style.....I was wrong.   He showed up with a man purse, an over the shoulder strapped bag.  Even the bartender, who I had told I was there for a first date, told me to avoid him at all costs.  He was that creepy.   I am ashamed that I didn't have the guts to just tell him no way but I just couldn't help myself.

I have sat through a meal with a man with missing front teeth ( I lost my appetite), smiled while being asked extremely personal questions, over a salad, by a complete stranger, been polite while a man tells me he wants to humiliate and beat me when I am completely upfront about not tolerating humiliation.   I have been accused of not being submissive because I will not submit to just anyone who demands it.  I even waited over an hour because my date was running late.  When he did arrive he paid for his drink and never offered to pay for mine.  I am beginning to dread meeting anyone due to all the let downs. 

Thank you, I feel better letting myself vent and rant about this horrible dating thing.  I just want to find someone to make it past two dates, and eventually become an important part of my life.

I am a submissive, I am not a switch nor a Domme.  I do not play a role, this is my nature and to fight ones nature results in anxiety.   If you are not a natural Dom, please do not bother to contact me.  For that matter, if you are not local as in the state of NH or MA, there really is no point.  I am not able to relocate and I am looking for a real relationship not a cyber or a occasional visit.

I have come to the conclusion that men, on this site , in general, to not know how to aks a woman out on a date. is a lost art form.   Some demand phone numbers to verify that its a real person on the other end.  Since my cell phone is a work issued device I do not feel right giving out the number and blocking it is such a pain because I have to keep remembering to block and unblock.  I want to meet face to face before releasing any personal information.  I know when I meet someone if there is any chemistry or attraction and then I can invest in the time and effort to form a relationship.  

HAPPY 4Th of JULY!!!!!!!!!!   May everyone find someone special to be with for the fireworks!     Summer is here, warm weather and sunshine, cookouts and parties.  I wait all winter long for this.  Life is good, it could be better, but its good enough for now.  I will live, laugh and maybe I will find someone to love.

I don't know why but I am depressed today.   Every form of media; tv, movies, commercials even political campaigns are all about long term relationships, family and children.  I am divorced and never had children.  Basically, I am alone.  Just me and my dog.  I don't even know why I bother taking pictures and putting them into albums because when I am gone no one will even look at them.  

Well, that is my rant, thank you for reading.  Life will get better and I know that eventually I will find someone who will love me.   

I have been on this site for years, on and off for periods of time.  In my search for a new relationship,I have spoken to many and dated a few.  Even though I state very clearly that I do not play casually and I do not submit to everyone, it is still expected.  I have been accused of being not submissive by many that have no realtime experience in the lifestyle, and that is laughable.  I am always respectful and for the right man, I will submit to a power exchange.  Its all about charisma, chemistry, mutual respect and trust.  All those and affection must be there for me to even want to serve someone.  I am writing this more for others to understand.  Too many on this site are looking for a kinky hookup and not in the much more subtle, and very much more cerebral, the Dom/sub dynamic.  

I finished reading the first two books of the 50 Shades of Gray.  I am amazed at how much information concerning this lifestyle is in these books and that the vanilla world is accepting it.  All three books have been on the top 10 list for months and now they are talking about a movie.  Does this mean that people are becoming more open minded?  

HAPPY NEW YEAR - lets all make the most of every minute of each day, find joy and happiness because the Mayans predicted that this is the last year for the human race.   Time to live like you are dying!!!!  Because you just might just be.

Happy Winter Solstice!  The shortest day and the longest night....every day after this we will be gaining more daylight!  Light the Yule log and praise the Gods for all the blessings we have received and will receive in the year to come.

Blessed be

Its the Christmas season or Yule for those that are Wiccan and I know that I am not alone in the general feeling of being lonely and slightly depressed at not having someone special to share the season with.   I have decorated my home and I am loving the lights and beauty that exists around me.   I just need to dig a little deeper and be thankful for what i do have.

I am so disappointed with the quality of responses.  So many "fishers" who don't even bother to view my profile, just trolling, hoping for a reaction.  I am just to damn polite and find myself trying to educate them in hopes that they will learn something.  

I find amusement in the self appointed titles of Lord and/or Master of nothing.  Honestly, a dominant personality is a wonderful thing, but how can you possibly feel entitled to the honorific if you have little to nothing in experience.  There is nothing wrong with just being yourself.

Labor Day weekend....all my former friends are at a party at the ex Master's house and I am sitting alone with my dog watching tv.  Its the last weekend of the summer and I am still alone and very lonely.  In the long run it is for the best that I am not there trying to smile and be happy when I am crying with loneliness inside.  I am just not cut out to be alone.

Hurricane Irene is on the way, most likely it will just be a tropical storm by the time it hits near me.  Its only 5:30 pm on Saturday and the real storm isnt suppose to be here until sometime tomorrow morning.  Its raining pretty hard right now, can't imagine what it will be like during the brunt of this.  

Its a warm summer night and I am hearing bikes roaring by and I just want to be riding behind someone on one, to feel the warm summer air rushing by and playing with my hair. 

Its the middle of August and the summer is flying by.  Time is flying by.  While I am sad to be alone, I am getting better each day.   I have relearned to be independent and self reliant.

I had high hopes but he has disappeared without saying good-bye he just stopped chatting with me.  You would think after two dates in realtime that he would just come out and say its not a match.  What is so hard with honesty?

I met someone in realtime from this site.  He has all the attributes that I was looking for and it made me realized why I was becoming irritated with others that I had talked with.

I am looking for someone who is dominant, but it needs to be a part of his personality not a creed to live by.  Having men spout to me what makes them a "master", to list the protocols and behaviors that they are looking for was making my eyes roll in impatience.  I am more a submissive woman then just the label "submissive".   I know that I can not always list the attributes that make me submissive because they are part of my overall being, the innate structure of what makes me who I am.  

Whether or not this new budding relationship works out, it has helped me understand the yet another factor of the relationship dynamic I am looking for and for that alone I am thankful to have met him.  

Its my birthday and for the first time in 3 years I am celebrating it alone.  Like a small child, christmas and birthdays are all about the little tokens.  wrapped presents and cards are expressions of love and friendship and I have not received one.  My friends did give me a small cake and sang for me and I really appreciate the gesture.  

So I will either go to an amusement park and scream on a roller coaster or go to a spa and get t full manicure/pedicure.  Its a toss up right now.

Its the end of May and 5 months since I was suddenly alone.  Life goes on and while I do have some resentments to the ending of that relationship, those will fade in due course.   

Life is short and I will not waste my time ....its just too precious.  

On this holiday weekend, I left work on Friday and traveled down to CT to hang out with a girl friend for the evening just talking the night away.  I was up at dawn to walk the puppy. It was amazing, bunnies were playing in the neighborhood yards and the birds were singing and the air was just charged with possibilities.  Moments to cherish.   I later drove south of Hartford to meet up with friends that I have not seen in 20 years. It was amazing.  We were laughing and trading comments like those twenty years had never happened.  Good friends remain friends through life's up and downs and absences.

Its Sunday and after a trip to the local dog park we are heading to the lake.  Bella needs a good run and play time with all the dogs and later I need to go kayaking.  Hopefully she will be tired enough to sit still for her maiden kayak ride.

Have a great Holiday Weekend - and be safe! 

Happy Friday the 13th!   Its a beautiful sunny day today, let us all make the most of it.  

I just took some time to reread all my old journal entries on here and it makes me sad as to how the wheel of time circles back to repeat over and over.  I just don't do well alone.  I spend way to much time thinking about what was and what went wrong.  I am just not that good about creating social situations for myself, just too shy and insecure.  And may I say that the search for a new relationship is just tiring.  Judging and being judged, the dance of words to attempt to build a bridge between total strangers in hopes that there might be a match.  Add the D/s dynamic in there just makes it even more difficult.

ok, I will admit I am addicted to Tetris.  Since its here on the site I am almost always playing a game when I am logged in.  

Life is good.....the condo is becoming home again and my puppy is so much fun to have around.  We graduated from our 6 week obedience training but who trained who is still being argued between us.  

Yeah! The warm weather is here and I have cleaned out the koi pond and straightened up the garden after two years of neglect. 

Its has now been 3 months since I was uncollared.  I moved back to my condo and adopted a small dog to keep me fully occupied and give me constant companionship.  After being in a 24/7 M/s relationship for almost 3 years it was the silence that bothered me the most.  

Life goes on and I have accepted that what was will never be again.  I am ready to start all over again in finding someone special to share my life with.

I had been told that a piercing would make me very happy but I was afraid and uncomfortable with the thought of going thru with it.  Master took control, because he wanted me to be pierced and since I am his property, he had that right.  He took me to a piercing specialist and instructed them as to what he had in mind and it was done.  Now, I recieve pleasure knowing He is pleased  everytime he sees that piercing and knowing that I submitted complete to his control. 

Since July, I have been with a Dom in what we agreed to call our relationship ?a lease with options?.  He wasn?t looking for long term but knew that I was yet we were good for each other, filling a void in each other?s lives. 

Last night he released me from his ownership with his best wishes, as I have found someone that I would like to pursue a long term relationship with.  He approves of my new Dom and our relationship.  While my new Dom wanted to have a transfer of ownership I have asked that we work our way to that.  It?s a serious commitment for me and I want to give it the time and consideration it deserves.  He, being the special man that he is, has agreed to my humble request.  I am so happy to once again be able to give my heart into someone else?s keeping and know that he will appreciate my service.

Aloha, Hawaii.  I will be leaving for vacation in just a couple more days.  The fall folliage is beautiful and you just can't beat the wonderful weather that we have been having in NH but I can't wait for the warm sands and tropics.  I keep thinking about the Corona commercial and I hope I can recreate that peace and wonder for myself.  Its going to be the first vacation that I have ever taken as single and not in a committed relationship. 

I had the pleasure of attending a munch on Saturday - it was a great way to socially interact with others in the lifestyle.  Thank you all for making me feel welcomed and accepted.

Someone emotionally, physically, intellectually stronger than myself.  All little girls are looking for their Daddy.  I needed to be able to release control to someone and that person had to be dependable and trustworthy.  I needed to know that the one who took control would be emotionally anchored, physically capable of controlling me and have the intelligence that I could respect.

Uses me as his tool and canvas to quench his darkest desires.  This was a hard one to accept coming into this lifestyle, but it is also my most darkest desire too.  I feed off his pleasure and pride, I need and want to be there for him.  I have a deep need to be reduced to my most vulnerable state and know that what he does, he does with love.  Part of my nature is to love extremes and to really appreciate the gentle side one must have the harsher side for comparison.