NewTrainer

                                                The dance.

             I take you to the limits of what you can endure. Then a step beyond. Easing back to comfort and calm. I push you to levels that you thought were beyond you. I whisper "good girl , you make Me proud. Embrace the pain, it will free you" Again I take you to your threshold and you scream 'YES". We pass what was once more than you could withstand and still you need more. you are MY endorphin slave. you crave it, need it as an addict needs a fix. I have it for you, right here. No needles just my canes and leather.

             My task is not an easy one or something I take lightly. A living art performance of the most serious kind. I must use pain to inflict pleasure all the while keeping a close watch over My girl. she will not stop Me, she is consumed with a passion born from the intense flames of pain. It is my duty to observe her breathing, her sounds and her movement. I am her safety. The Man inflicting welts and bruises upon her causing her to cry out is her protector. I guard her from herself. My girl would allow me to devastate her if only it pleased me. I will keep her from harm while I ensure she suffers.

              she has submitted to My will and placed her trust in me. I will not violate that trust.

                  Words in me scream to be freed and set loose upon the world so that it will know my rage. My anger is growing and the  control I have over myself is beginning to wane as events outside of my reach continue on a path I am  powerless to effect. A volcano of passion  stirs in me that is reaching a crescendo and when it erupts could cause devastation, to me. "An it harm none do as thou will" may soon  be replaced with "Do as though will shall be the whole of my law" as my guide if I do not gain control of my emotions. Emotions, how I have detested the bothersome things.

                  Mastery of another is dependent upon Mastery of oneself first. Now I feel that self sovereignty failing. The wisdom I have cultivated in myself seems to have taken its leave from me. For the first time in ages I doubt myself and my decisions, an unaccustomed circumstance for me. I have allowed this. It is the doing of none but myself.

                  I see a flower that I want and move to take it only to find that it is out of my reach. Before I can close the distance to this wonderful flower another plucks it, he was closer than I and he moved to take this flower before my eyes were upon it. In my youth I would have simply taken it from him by any means. A wiser me knows that is not a correct path to choose. Doing so could cause so much harm to the flower and I would lose it forever. A fate I will not accept.

                  All I have in my arsenal for this situation are my words, the weakest of my tools. A life of physical interaction is all I have known, now I must rely on written language which is not what I am trained for. I am lacking in this.

                  At times a Master of others may find himself in need of self devotion. To assess himself and improve what he must. That is how I now find myself. Alone is not always a bad existence if the time is put to use. A solitary monastic retreat is not needed, I have done that.My mind and body will be sharpened. I will remain  among like minded people,content with my own company, keeping my own counsel.

                 Being more suited at advising others than myself I will remain an open ear for those in need of it.  For myself I will raise the bridge, fortify the walls and inspect my own feelings. I refuse to allow myself to fail. What happens will be the fault or triumph of no one but myself. My story will continue and I will see what the next chapter reveals.

I have but to turn the page.