mistychild

i have been very antisocial for i don't know how long. thank you E/everyone for your kind words and i apologize because i did not reply back to many people. my mom has taken a turn for the worse. the cancer is back and she wants to try chemo again but she lost a lot of weight and all the chemo will do will maybe give her a little bit more time. the doctor is willing to try it but it's going to be even harder on her body. there is a good chance after a couple treatments she will be ready to let go. i don't know. emotionaly i'm a mess but i'm trying to take steps to keep myself  healthy. i'm trying to learn to be social again, i'm looking for a support group here in my area, i'm trying to find spiritual support for my mom. she is catholic and i'm hoping to have someone come over once a week for prayer and communion. i have family helping out but i have to say i wish i had someone special in my life who wouldn't mind holding me and help keeping me strong for my mom. after all this is over i will have to figure out if i'm still into the bdsm world because honestly i don't know anymore.

i need some HAPPY pills... i'm just saying.

it's been a long time since my last journal. i'm sorry E/everyone who i lost touch with. my mom is holding her own. she has a lot less hair up on top but has a very natural looking wig with close to her normal style of hair. she has had three chemo treatments so far and last blood work showed it was closer to normal which i'm hoping is a good sign the chemo is working. she needs to have a cat scan done. it was supposed to be a pet scan but her damn insurance only covered her first one. emotionally.... we all are doing as well as can be expected. i'm having problems at work though.

basically dealing with a harassment problem that i finally hit a brick wall to where i just had enough and gone to managment about. i don't like confrontations but i don't think this could have been avoided. it's the basic older man hits on girl, got no where with girl and decided to control said girl at work which gave him a power trip. don't get me wrong. in the right situations i love being controlled but um... in the work place with a man that kind of creeps me out? not so much. this sub brat is going to whoop some ass lol. ish next so many days could get rough but i'll get through them.

hope E/everyone had a wonderful easter. mine was with family.

right now i'm playing with my wonderful new toy and no it's not a new vibe or dildo or plug. all fun toys but no.... it's my new DSLR camara! yes it's finaly here. waiting on my porch until i got home from work. now i just have to figure out how to work the damn thing lol

update on mom... not so good few nights. she's on call tonight and i hope to God that they don't call her in. she's dealing with achy bones from a shot they gave her, that tired feeling you can get from chemo and constipation so she's pretty  miserable and she's so damn stubern that if she got called in she would go. i was told that side effect from that shot lasts about a week and it's been four or five days so i'm hoping in the next day or so she's feeling better. sigh... maybe tomorrow i can get her to eat pretty good.

i just got done reading some of the latest journals... man oh man lots of angry peoples on here.

i'm kind of climbing the walls tonight.

ok... so today was a big day as far as my mother goes. last night i started worrying about what the doctor found and before the phone call from my sisters, my knee was bouncing like crazy with nerves. there is mixed news. bad news first is that she does have endemetrail cancer so it's a more aggressive cancer... the good news is that the pet scan came back clean. she starts chemo wednesday with the instruction of doing chemo once a month for six months. i'm guessing the first chemo will be the hardest one to go through. it's going to be difficult to keep her spirits up when her hair falls out but i'm damn well going to try.

tomorrow i'm going to have to email everyone that i promised to give updates to.

oh my gosh for the first time this year it felt almost spring like outside. i went out and about for awhile today and got some things done and had relax time after. im not sure why but today i missed my msn chat room days. thats where i actualy got my toes wet in the whacky wonderful world of bdsm. there was a few chat rooms i made great friends in. the bad thing about chat friends is that eventualy you part ways. i think the spring weather was just a memory trigger of nights where i got comfertable and had lights down with candles going and a cuppa coffee or tea at my side keeping company with people i come to care for and respect. in some ways it was better times.  im not sure why the weather would cause that memory trigger... maybe because it energized me a little. winter can be harsh on me. im constantly tired and achy and live my life as a lump for the most part through the cold weaither... during the winter its like there is a fog you just can't seem to shake and today i had the warmer weather with rain so you got the smell of rain in the air and it seemed like that fog lifted.

they day has gone by too fast. mom has an appointment with the doctor again tomorrow. we find out if the cancer spread anywhere a cat scan cant see (she had a pet scan this time around) and we find out if it is endometrial cancer or if it's thyroid. this is another cross roads. keep praying all of you please.

on a brighter side im so close to ordering my canon rebel t2i camara. got my federal tax return in but still waiting on my state i think. i can't wait to play with it and see what artistic pictures i can take. i have many ideas going through my head and plan on having my better ones on flickr.com.

a new friend asked me what i was looking for on CM today... i need to give that some thought but its a very good question. since i'm not ready to start any D/s relationship other then friendship right now what am i doing here. ill answer that one soon. till then, enough of my ramblings for now.

took mom for tests today. wishing spring was here. even with everything that is going on at home i'm hoping to be more active this spring and spend a little more time outside in fresh air. i'm going to be ordering me my first DSLR camara in a few days. i can't wait to see what kind of amature photographer i will make. who knows... maybe at some point i can take some artistic adult pictures of people but right now it's learn learn learn. going to start off with nature pictures. grins. i have plans of spending some time at starved rock state park. the camara is going to be my last big item to buy for a long while. the plan is getting through school and saving money when i can.... don't know what the future will bring. i know i need to have a game plan.

feeling a little lonely tonight but it's about bedtime and tomorrow is another day.

was just another day for me. so tired so think i'm going to respond to everyone tomorrow.

hope you all had a wonderful Valentines day.

update for anyone who has been taking notice of my journaling past few nights... my mothers latest cat scan shows her lungs are free from cancer. thank.. you.. lord...

the fights way from over but for the first night in the past so many nights i feel like i can breath easy and actualy get some sleep.

today was a little better day then yesterday. my sisters and i are going with mom tomorrow to find out if the docs at the local clinic believe chemo would be worth doing for her. it all depends on how far the cancer spread. the fact they did such of a rush job on everything leaves me a little hope that they believe she can fight this. i also have a little hope because my mom has said if they say nothing can be done there that she would look at places like mayo's clinic which means she has hope herself and refuses to give up.... at least at this point.

i had many people from this site send thier thoughts and sympathies today and even a couple who shared thier stories. thank you all of you.

so i found out today my moms cancer came back. its an agressive cancer but if it didn't spread too much there is a chance she can fight it. playing the waiting game again and i have to say i would wait forever if it stopped time but life don't work that way so next thing is facing the results of the next cat scan she is taking tomorrow. there were times through the day where i was... well almost fine and then there are times where i feel this overwhelming panic. mom is holding up so far. she ate quite a bit tonight so that's good and her spirits seemed to be as good as one could expect. anyone who believes in God say a prayer. now i have to try to get some sleep. bed time is the worst.

snow snow everywhere. good thing i'm safe and sound at home. when this storm is over i will have a hell of a lot to do but it's kind of a nice feeling to be at home with family, and everything to make you nice and comfy. we could get up to twenty some inches.

sad night. was a night of good byes with someone. did i do the right thing? from the things i was shown he was a good man. one who was honest with me which has not happend in a long time. i think i value his honesty the most. i have made mistakes and ones that i could see repeated. it feels right i said good bye.

so decided to stick it out with collarme for awhile longer. found out what made me down was a little misunderstanding but.... how i reacted is one of the reasons why i'm taking a break Guys. need to build up trust again in the male population. sad when a few bad eggs spoil everything. sucks for me and not fair to all of you.

it's sad. i thought i was starting a friendship with someone and maybe i came across wrong or seemed too uninterested even thouth i was pretty honest with him but he seemed frustrated (?) tonight and  poofed on me unexpectantly. maybe i'm just too shy for a site like this.... i don't know if i will keep my account on here. maybe i should just end it. i don't know. i'll give it a couple days but yeah. i'm pretty bummed. anyway it just bugged me so wanted to get it out. thanks to any that takes the time to read.

so i had some thoughts about some things people has emailed me that has been rolling around in my head and i would like to type them out but well... i caught the flu bug or cold or something that is making me miserable and whiney. really i get worse then a grown man when i'm sick. sorry guys just teasing (whispers not really) http://cdn.collarspace.com/images/smileys/0448.gif" border="0" alt="{#}" />.  anyway. hope to express some thoughts when i feel better.

i got some nice gifts but the best gift of all was being with family talking about days gone past. it was a good christmas.

got through the last day of work before christmas woot woot. tomorrow i just need to wrap the rest of my preasents to the family and enjoy. hope you all have a very wonderful christmas.

just came in from outside. got the driveway and porch cleaned off from the snow and salted and i'm sitting her wondering exactly when i started to hate snow.   http://cdn.collarspace.com/images/smileys/0498.gif" border="0" alt="{#}" />

so been a long time since i visited my profile on collarme. started checking out the site again a couple weeks back. noticed i didn't have much in my profile and still taking a break but figure if something happens and i click with someone awsome but not really looking for it.

right now it's sleeting outside.. ah the joys of IL weather in december. feeling pretty comfy and warm here at home and looking forward to the fact i don't work tomorrow.

damn. got all kinds of ideas on what to put in here and wait till late at night and i can't think of a single one. i think i'm just going to go to bed. http://www.collarspace.com/htmlarea/smileys/0263.gif" align=absMiddle border=0>