Here is a warning: this is going to piss some people off. It will step on toes, point fingers and generally make people like me a little less. Those that know me know that I don’t care, and those who love me won’t love me any less. I speak my mind and this is what my mind I currently screaming at me. I will make no apologies for offending people. My intentions are not to single anyone out, because the opinions that I'm arguing against sadly seem to be that of many people. This is my opinion. Don't like it? That's fine, no one is forcing you to agree.
Recently I read a post. It was a good post, outlining the idea that after-care is the responsibility of the top and bottom after play. I have no issues what was written in the post, but I also don’t know, or want to know, the details of the drama that may have been behind the post. What bothered me was a couple of comments and some of the pervasive ideas that seem to be surfacing in my local community.
The main idea that has been circulating is that being new is an excuse for ignorance and that ignorance equates innocence when shit hits the fan.
I feel that in this lifestyle if a person feels s/he is ready to play and agrees to play, that person should understand the requirements to do so safely. I won’t get into what makes a scene safe or not safe; that is not the point of this. I think this applies to the top and bottom of a scene. Know your shit!
Learn, for fucks sake! Talk to people with experience, research. We are a truly blessed (and sometimes cursed) generation because everything is available at the click of a mouse. Never in the history of BDSM has the information been so available to you. Use it!
A medical student doesn't just read up on the basics of brain surgery and decides they can do it. S/he learns, s/he watches, s/he listens. s/he learns what can go wrong and how to deal with it before s/he ever picks up a scalpel. This is the same for BDSM!
The scary fact that the new are teaching the new is occurring more and more often. It is the blind leading the blind, and they are headed right towards a cliff. However, a blind person should be able to recognize the fact that s/he is blind and should probably seek out someone who can see to guide him/her! Again, this is the same in BDSM. Do not follow another blind person. Find those with experience, ask them questions. Watch, listen, learn! I am blessed to have so many knowledgeable people in my life that teach me and also grow with me. You can too if you start asking questions!
One thing to understand though is that not every person who can ‘see’ actually knows where to lead you! I could claim to be a dinosaur, but it doesn’t make me a dinosaur. Maybe look for proof of my dinosaur status before you take my word for it (rawr, it’s a Maygensaurus!!) Seriously though, check out things to actually ascertain that the person you are asking knows what the hell they are talking about. Also, even if someone is awesome at one thing, or even a few things, it does not make him/her awesome at everything.
There is also another issue I have seen becoming more apparent. I will not quote directly, but paraphrase what was said because it outlines the thoughts that some people seem to have:
“People who are new do not have knowledge when they first start. It is the responsibility of the experienced people to teach the new ones. The community should be taking the responsibility to shove the information down the throats of with anyone new. Bad things happen because someone did not have the correct info and therefore the community is at fault when shit happens. The community is failing these people!!” (insert dramatic music with someone screaming ‘oh the humanity!’)
Fucking excuse me? The level of self-entitlement is absurd. This entitlement is almost like an infliction on some people in the kink community. Sadly it is an attitude I have seen in both new and old people alike. I have said it before, butdo people honestly expect the information to be spoon fed to them? It seems that way. The saying is you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. Well we’re offering the water, it’s your choice to drink it.
We can't be chasing down every new person to teach them. People need to identify their learning needs (see previous reference to the blind leading the blind) and find out ways to fulfil them. I know myself and many, many other people are open to approach for people to learn from. If I can't answer a question or don't know then I typically try to recommend someone who can. But if you don’t ask, how the fuck do you learn? Unfortunately sometimes a learning need is identified only after a mistake has been made or shit has already gone down. But learning from mistakes is still learning!
It’s also important to know that sometimes, after all that knowledge seeking, learning, watching, checking, etc, SHIT CAN STILL HAPPEN! The possibilities are endless about how things can fuck up, even with knowledge. Again, keep looking at how that shit happened and learn from it. Sometimes the best you can do is not repeat history.
I am not saying that if an experienced person is playing with a newbie and does not broach the topics such as after care that it's acceptable but the newbie can't be free of all responsibility. It is the same as breaking a law you didn't know existed. Not knowing does not make you innocent, you still broke the law. Deal with it.
One of my friend will read this and recognize her own words (if she’d like credit I will add it) “if I stand in a corner and don't move I will always stand in the corner”. So move! Get out of the corner! FUCKING LEARN! It is a cliche saying but so very true: KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!
