MaitressFire

These nights are so long. I'm having another bout with insomnia. I don't have any more news on publication, it's just something small..but it makes me happy. I miss writing. I do my best when I'm all fluttery and romantic, and that's not something I've felt in quite some time. I miss it a little.

I miss work more though! I want to get back at it. The doctor said at least another week (maybe two) before I'm allowed to walk. :(

^_^ And I'm happy to say I've got another publication pending. Some of my poetry is getting put out in the states. Yaaay!

I now have a cast up past my thigh. I can't do anything. This sucks. I am a very grumpy, thirsty and hungry domme. -_-;

I am feeling a little more perky again despite the fact I hurt myself while at a Buddhist temple.

I tried to bow and prostrate myself during one of the activities and managed to hurt myself so badly that I can barely walk.

Just goes to show you, I am about as graceful as a wet cat with tape on its feet. 

I'll leave the kneeling to cute submissives. I don't do well on my knees :P

Rules/Advice on getting my attention

1) Sense of humor. I like to laugh and do so easily.

2) Smile. If your main pic is of your cock and I don't even see your face it's far less likely I'm going to respond.

3) Realize I'm not looking for play. I want to establish a real connection before I will *ever* play with you. I just can't get turned on without really knowing how to push your buttons.

4) I'm a person. You are too. Respect me and I'll respect you. (oooo that rhymed).

5) I don't want to hear about other dommes. Seriously! I may ask you later on about your experience but um.. don't compare me, whether in good or bad ways, to other women. :( I won't compare you to other subs. You're unique! So am I :) 

6) I'm a Lady first and foremost. A goofy, kinky dork of a lady, but still a lady. Be a gentleman please.

I am behind on messages again. Gimmie a few days. I'm coming home so exhausted I just drop the past few days. :<

I don't want a blank canvas. I want someone who's a little bruised, worn and flawed. Someone who's made mistakes and learned. There's beauty in failing. In being humble and admitting you were wrong. Those battle scars that come from knowing you were right and walking away. 

I like 5 o'clock shadows and big bear hugs. 

I like the puppy-like excitement some men have when they are excited and joyful.

I like the deep intensity of longing when you hear 'No.' You want so badly, but it's denied. Be good and maybe.. just maybe.. That lingering spark of hope is enchanting.

And I want to prod and poke those dark corners. I want to see what really makes you tick. I'll go slowly and gently. Let's cast out those damned shadows together.

I want to hear laughter that is soft and laughter that is loud enough for the neighbors to hear when I drop the wax while trying to adjust the way I use my flogger and get frustrated and upset when I knock everything over. It's okay. I'm clumsy.

To: no one in particular. Just thinking :)

I'm feeling better today. I guess I'm only human and I made some mistakes too. I really should have vetted better than I did. You live and you learn. Granted, I also moped like a teenager after her BFOMGZ dumped her. It wasn't because of the sub, I'm still adapting to a new place. You add in the NRE going sour (mostly not being given any room to actually BE a domme by my partner) and getting my authority repeatedly undermined at work? Not a happy domme. 

What do I actually want?

I have been asking myself this for several days now. 

I was all gooey and starry eyed over the *idea* of what I thought was going on. 

But you know what? :) It did remind me of how much I like being in a relationship.

It was the first time in six years I actually took a real chance on someone. It burned. That happens to all of us. I'm nothing special :P 

I want someone who's willing to spend time getting to know the goofball that I am before we talk about kinks. I want someone who sees my quiet dominance as reassuring rather than a fault. I want someone who I can be proud to keep on my arm. Who doesn't try to take power away from me in a relationship and who understands I can make mistakes too. That I can be vulnerable at times. 

I want a partner who respects that I also have limits. Some are hard, some are soft. If I care for you I will be willing to bend both of those...a little. That doesn't mean after 3 weeks I'm going to change my mind on enemas and diapers. Seriously. No. Not my thing.

I want someone who actually makes me feel like I'm a dominant and not a service top. I know this sounds whiny but it's something that I would say 80-90% of the messages I receive are asking for in varying degrees.

No! I do not want to do x,y, and z to you. I want to get to know who your favorite family guy character is and if you understand that letting me kick your butt in Tekken 3 is a great way to show me how much you adore me (I'm horrible at it, but I still like to play!). 

I want someone I can laugh and smile with. :) I laugh very easily. I also cry pretty easy too. I'm an emotional person. I don't think the world is out to get me. I'm still pretty innocent when it comes to how people "really" are.

I want someone who I can devote time during my day. Not just thinking up new ways to have fun in the bedroom (or outside of it) but just...that warm fuzzy feeling.

It's interesting how a nasty ending can make you think positively about new beginnings. 

I'm done being depressed.

That's giving power to someone who was meant to be in mine.

Granted I made some mistakes too but everyone does.

Back in the saddle and lookin for someone who will mind my gentle touch. :) 

I am exhausted and have a few emotional bruises. I just want some shelter. Even I need to borrow strength at times. My confidence has taken several blows both professionally and personally lately. 

I know I'll get over it. I always do.

I don't like to burn bridges, but sometimes that road doesn't need to be traveled again. 

I am going to a Buddhist temple soon for a stay. I think it will soothe my frayed nerves and help restore my calm a little. I need to find my balance here. This country is so different from what I am used to. I adore many of the facets I see glimmering in the laughing eyes of my partial friends... but there's some unpleasant surprises in the shadows. 

I made an innocent mistake and got shut out. 

I tried explaining my intent. I got ignored.

I tried to reconnect and I received silence. 

People have busy lives. We all understand this. But when someone reaches out to you emotionally and you brush them aside there will always be a fallout for both parties.

He says one thing. I say another.

I elaborate. He doesn't understand.

He calls me friend.

I am done.

I have no desire to play without an emotional connection. There is nothing in it for me. 

Silence.

That's all I get. 

I don't know who is the bigger fool.

*sigh* Korean culture is just downright confusing. Up means down, down means sideways and getting close to someone has 50 billion rules I don't understand. I am one unhappy domme. 

Probably on hiatus for a week or two. :( Internet/computer issues again. 

I'm still alive, slow to respond as I'm still having computer issues. :(

*sigh* And.. now my computer is busted. I can browse the internet but as soon as I try to run any programs it crashes. I guess some functionality is better than none! -____-; I don't know how I'm going to work on my projects for my job though.

I'm sure things will pick up soon though! My bad luck can't continue at this pace forever. :)

On a brighter note.

I absolutely love south korea. My apartment's view is rather stunning (it's of the ocean). The people here are very warm hearted and kind. I'm starting to be able to read characters/words and my pronunciation is getting better every day. I'm going to start moving onto vocabulary in my independent language study.

There's more I'd say but I'm afraid my computer is going to blow up on me...again.

^ ^; I have internet afterall. Guess they forgot to switch it off after the last resident left. :P

I don't have internet at my new apartment, so I may not be able to get back to anyone until I have it installed. It will be a few weeks!

I will be on hiatus for a few weeks while I get settled. :) 

[Sarcasm]

Alright, since there seems to be confusion on what I do and do not like, and what I want out of a submissive/slave, I have decided to clarify a few things about what I want/expect/desire. 

*At all times my companion must be ready to anticipate my physical wants and needs--including drinking/eating/snacking before they ever become an issue. Get that inner Julia Childe channeled and ready to go. I expect it to be good. And healthy. This woman plans on ruling the world someday, and we can't have my sugar bottoming out in the middle of my future dictatorship.

*Clothes are optional for women. Men must wear sexy jeans at all times. No shirts. Because you are all, of course, beautiful and have a six pack or more that is hard enough to cut diamonds. 

*I will be addressed as Miss. I am willing to overlook "Ma'am" since I am southern. You get to be called whatever comes to mind. If I remember your name, consider it a blessing. Kneel and grovel to show your appreciation.

*I do not do anything for money. I will accept donations based on how awesome I am. Before we ever even talk. Seriously, gimme your wallet.

*I have a Master's Degree. Even if your education is higher, in a different field or groundbreaking I am obviously the more intelligent one. I have boobs. That deals -59 to intelligence. My femininity makes me inherently superior. 

*You'd better have some sort of talent. Like, TV worthy. I don't care if you can shoot ping pong balls with an amazing accuracy out of your derriere or sing in a manner that makes baby angels cry. My harem must be talented. I like to show you off.

*I don't care what your fetish is. Mine are more important. If you do a a really good job at the things that I like that I expect you to know without me ever bothering to tell you (because subs/slaves are psychic or at least should be, DUH!) I may ask what you'd like to do. If it's something I like to then I'll do it. If I'm in the mood.

*You must speak English + 1 other language.

*You must like kitties, dogs and all other animals. Including those that fall into my OMG ITS SO SCARY I WANNA CUDDLE IT, category. IE: Sharks.

*You must be able to provide therapeutic level massage for at least two hours.

*I am woman. I am Goddess. Hear me roar. This means no joking about my morning hair. Laugh and you shall be punished.

*I require you to pretend that my chihuahua's barking intimidates you. It helps boost his ego. If you cower, I will give you a cookie. I mean the literal kind, freaking perv.

* I reserve the right to edit/add to this list at any time.

[/sarcasm]

******************

On a serious note: What do I want? Someone who I get on well with and who gets on well with me. The rest is just bonus. But if you contact me expecting me to service you, or spam my inbox with penis pictures, you probably won't get a long with me.

I am not looking to own anyone who can't be patient enough to at least get to know me, and let me get to know them first.

Ha! Fit an entire house full of items into two cars. I am freaking proud. That is all lol.

Oh god.. I never want to have to pack like this again. Never. I broke down crying today cause I just felt so overwhelmed with all this crap that I have. Most of it is meaningless.. I'm only keeping 10 boxes of things, if even that. More like 7 I think. And it's still more than I can move. I don't know what I'm going to do with all this crap that I may never even be back here to have. I have donated (including the trip tomorrow) about 3 carloads of things to charity. I have 10 bags of crap that I'm throwing out. This is crazy. I'm not even taking this stuff to Korea with me, I'm just saving it in case I come back. I hope I don't just so I don't have to deal with this. 

It made me realize how wrapped up in STUFF we get. Just useless things, overall, but that can hold so much feeling & memory. Little things of no consequence or monetary value. Papers that so-and-so company say we *must* keep. It's ridiculous. I'm so happy I'm just taking what I can put in a single suitcase, a small carry on and a messenger bag with me to Korea. I did manage to get it set up so I'll have a phone to pick up at the airport... Since I figure that might be important. Now my family will have a way to contact me if there's an emergency from day one. That provides me peace of mind. 

I just want a life I can pack in a trunk. I'm still working on that. I'm getting there though.

Moving is more of a pain in the ass than I thought. *sigh* I don't have enough money for the move so I'm trying to, frantically, sell crap. So far no luck. Seriously considering trying to do some sort of creative rush to try and make some money for this move. ^_^ lol I like to paint and draw but I'm not that good. Hmm.. there's got to be something. Anyone have some suggestions? And no, I'm not talking about findom.

I have the plague. :( 
Seriously, I don't know what this is but it's nasty and it's contagious as hell. 

If I've not responded to a message from you, this is probably why--that or the whole packing and moving thing!

It's a bit lonesome tonight. I have been busy and had much on my mind about my move. I'm eager and excited. I can't wait for the opportunities and trials awaiting me! My Korean is extremely limited, but I do pick up languages quick.

I'm a bit lonely thought. It's been too long since I had a simple evening out with a friend for dinner, movie and a conversation. It doesn't have to be anything important, just something fun and light. Something innocent. I miss it so deeply. 

It's official ;) I'm moving to South Korea in Aug.

Prepare for the invasion of Cpt. Spanky. Haha. 

I am so excited and nervous. There is so much I wish to explore and do.. I don't even know where to begin! I'm really curious as to how much BDSM is part of the scene there, if there is any. I'm not usually the type of person who goes out a lot.. but I'd like to change that a little. Who knows what kind of awesome experiences are waiting for me!

I haven't been responding as frequently as I normally do as of late. I apologize to those who wish to converse with me that I haven't gotten back to yet. I have been feeling overwhelmed with daily tasks. I seriously need a butler. -_-;

Feeling a bit better. I think it is the summer (even if it's not officially summer yet) heat getting to me. I would much rather be somewhere that has breezy beaches and cool waters to play in. Unfortunately that's not on the horizon currently. I do think I will live though. *chuckle*

I am trying to find the motivation to work on Korean more. I need to learn the language as it seems I will most likely be moving there for at least a year. Which is terribly frightening and exciting. 

My mind keeps wandering though, back to the idea of having someone around to keep me company. I do miss having a companion some times. I usually keep just to myself, as I find people interesting but taxing. Lately though...

Tonight is one of those nights where I just want to curl up and cuddle. It's cold, it's dark, and I'm sore. I've been working on essays and applications all week and I really just need some down time. :(

I'm seriously considering updating my profile. It makes me sound a lot more serious of a person than I am. I'm a total goofball. XD 

Life has been going well. I'm just finishing up everything and will get my M.A. in the very near future. I've had my interview for South Korea and am nervously awaiting my response. 

Things could be better, true... but life has slowly been on the up-curve as of late. It makes me happy. ^ ^ Just wanted to update.

You know.. it's funny how life throws you curve balls right up side the head to make a point. The last month has been a rough time not just for me, but my closest friend. It makes me wonder, does it ever get any better?

It may not. 

Sometimes we get dealt a really crap hand. We get hurt, abused, trodden (not in that special kinky kind of way) and generally smacked around by things beyond our control. Hell, I almost died just over 30 days ago and not for the first time in my short life. 

So I really got to thinking. 

Even if life is crap, there are moments for seizing happiness. It's our responsibility to snatch those up and enjoy them to their fullest. Sometimes this can be the simple beauty of a sunset or an amazing, life altering opportunity if we're brave enough to step up to the plate. 

I don't think I have the right or know how to give anyone advice on what to do or how to do it. I observe, I think, I hope. I'll keep chasing my dreams til they become reality or I can't go any further. I never know when my time may be up in truth.

Doctor said I'm healing up great! Such a weight off my shoulders, I had been quite worried after everything that happened. Now to just get this research done.. maybe. Or I could just oogle for a while.

So, my house was broken into at the start of January while I was in the hospital. Lost all my fancy stuff. I shrugged it off and re-bought stuff when I got home. However the back door needed to be replaced. *sigh*

I never thought getting repair work would be such a trial. First the door was an odd size which meant over a week of waiting. Then the day to install it came and there was bad weather (I'm not going to ask someone to drive to my house with really nasty road conditions to put in a door). Now.. today.. I was supposed to get this fixed.

The door's frame was broken all the way through.

*headdesk*

Can someone just make it better? It has been nothing but one bad thing after another lately. It has to get better. At least my textbooks will finally be here Wednesday. I have 3 weeks.. no 4 worth of reading to do. At least that is a pleasurable chore.

Will be off the map for a day or two.

If you can't take the time to read my profile properly, read what I say about contacting me, and respect those limitations...you will get automatically deleted. Normally I try to at least respond to people with a polite message even if I'm not interested. Holidays, however, make people crazy. It's scientific fact! It's called caput capitis sursum tergum syndrome. Symptoms are a lack of rational thought, frenzied speak, foaming at the mouth.. and just in general not respecting other people. :| Do not fall prey to this incurable disease. If you're lucky the second infection won't set in...but sometimes the damage is permanent. 

Insomnia you fickle, fickle companion.

I'm up late, as usual. Currently listening to Steam Powered Giraffe's Honeybee--I'll link below. It's a lovely, strange little song and the band is deliciously steampunk. I'd love to see them live if I got the chance. Why are all the amazing bands on the west coast? 

Curled up in bed at my mother's house. It's strange to be back here. She's my archetype for "strong woman" (kind of to the extreme, we nicknamed her Atilla). It's really nice to be home, even if Satan Cat is causing issues. I had to bring my pet since I'm staying a week.

Tomorrow if the weather holds I will be heading up to Pittsburgh until Sat. This nasty storm looks like it could cause some travel problems. My family lives up in the hills of Wv where there is a projected 6-10" of snow. Or like almost 20cm for my out of country readers. I think? My conversions suck. 

I'm trying to find information on fibro and kink. I've joined a few support groups for it but given that I'm a solitary kind of gal find it hard to raise my questions. Granted, I also haven't really been active ever since the flare ups started a few years ago. Maybe I should find someone to work my way back into things with. *sigh* Maybe. Problem is I may not even be in this country by midsummer. That's if we don't blow up on friday :P 

It's difficult because even the pressure of the bed against my body while I am resting causes me a lot of pain. I just grin and bear it since I'm trying so hard to get back on my feet. I will graduate in May if everything goes well. I plan on keeping a blog about my exploration of all my kinks overseas. I'm curious how different cultures respond to female dominants... Especially in Asian cultures. Here in the west we have this image of docile women... but every woman I've met from the east has had quite the nice set of claws when she wanted. Ah, so much to do and see.. not to mention all the neat foods I will get to try! *purr*

Time for this kitten to try and nap some more.

Enjoy

Going to Pittsburgh for a few days. I plan on shopping and having fun. It's going to be a little lonely though :( My friends don't get into town until late Friday evening. I shall have to find ways to amuse myself until then.....

Bookstore here I come! *drool*

DONE! I'm free for a month.. now what to do with my free time. XD

One more week til finals are over.. then I can poke around and relax more. *sigh* Working on this MA is killin me. Sorry to those I've not gotten back to, sometimes I get so busy all I have time to do is write a quick note. 

One of these days I'll do an audio entry, but sometime when I am not sleepy. Insomnia is wonderful for thinking. I'm currently listening to Depeche Mode's Master & Servant. It makes me giggle. I still have "Freelove" stuck in my head though. The sweetest condition is also playing by now. I *really* like that one.

"Getting lost in the folds of your skirt
There's a price that I pay for my mission
A body in heaven and a mind full of dirt
How I suffer the sweetest condition"

*grins* Yes, I quite like this one. 

Love, desire.. no fun to have the latter without the former. It's a sweet affliction that I've not suffered in some time. Perhaps that shall change. I'm a horse of an entire different range of color at times. Honestly, I feel sorry for the next person.. they are in for quite the ride.

I still have 'Bad Things' stuck in my head. *sigh* 

A few days ago, I was discussing with one of my male friends who is in no way, shape nor form kinky (by my definition) about what makes a dominant person. His main point was to be dominant you must be confident and not a doormat.

And I thought for a moment.

I'm a doormat, or rather often interpreted as once since I'm a giver of my time and whatever else is needed. I take care of things. 'Cept some boring household drudgery that I put off for a few days at a time. I get stuff done. People turn to me and are often dependent upon me for emotional guidance. I still have no idea why! I'm relatively inexperienced for my age compared to the vastness of what is out there to do and see!

So, how does that make me a doormat? People often perceive power as authority. Granted, I usually get what I ask for when I ask for it. Yet..I do not abuse that ability. I respect the people who are willing to give of their time & effort. I give back in spades. 

I think to, by my own explorations, be dominant on these terms is perfectly fine. I think a good Dom/me is someone who can take care and assess what needs/should be done. Happiness for me comes from assessing others and leading the way. 

That doesn't mean I don't like to do some kinky stuff in public and behind closed doors. For me, though... It's more than just getting my jollies.

I am going to have Jace Everett's "Bad Things" stuck in my head all day today. *grumble* 

Submission

I was listening to Depeche Mode’s Freelove, and got to thinking about what submission is to me as a dominant woman. Yes, titles and names are pretty and make me smile. A polite Ma’m or Miss can evoke a sweet smile on my lips on a bad day. I was raised to be extremely polite. Politeness has power. It can change opinions and melt hearts. You have nothing to lose by using it. I thank those that please me, or  message me even if I have no desire to assist them with what they message me for. I don’t always, but I *try* to. I see many profiles of male submissives over the course of a day. Rarely one or two will catch my eye and I send a message. My profile clearly states I’m not actively looking for any sort of attachment, but if someone catches my eye I’m going to say hello!

For me…submission is one who has strength and can humble themselves, whether this is physically or mentally, to another. It has a very romantic and spiritual aspect to it for me. I place great value in those I hold close and do not invite someone into my personal life casually.

It is in the graceful line of his neck as he kneels before me, and the gentle shelter of his arms. The laughter and smile that are mine, and mine alone. It’s in the vulnerability he is unafraid to show. His receptiveness to my whims and moods. It is in his independence, his spirit, his intelligence. It is in the way he melts under the caress and lash of my toys. It is in the way he will work til he drops to please me if that’s needed. And in the fact that he can pick up the mantle of his own strength again when needed. I too become vulnerable. It comes from the honesty and respect that is mutual, the open communication that becomes established over time.

Those are the things that spur my tenderness, my protectiveness, my fierce loyalty. I’m far from perfect, but I strive to be kind in turn to those few I let close. I show my appreciation, my joy, my delight…and for someone very special the vulnerability. I’m not all leather and lace.  In fact, very little of either is in my wardrobe currently. *laughs* I need to fix that, but I digress. Ah, well.. I guess I haven’t accomplished much more than rambling.

Maybe I’m just too romantic for my own damn good. 

I'm sitting here, reading empirical studies on linguistics (pragmatics to be specific) and all I can do is get distracted. Partially by the article itself. I dislike when second language learning is compared to *anything* regarding native speakers. Second and first language learning are entirely different kinds of fish.

And then I flip back to collarme's homepage and get distracted by what I see *chuckles*. 

I added a new item to my bucket list.

Paramotor Sky Racing.

Can we go? Like now? *perks up*

If I take some time to get back to you today or tomorrow, people who visit my page, it has to do with the fact I am designing lesson plans for my finals. I *usually* get back to people within a day or two if they message me during my offline hours. 

No. I will not work for your Fin. Dom. company. *facepalm* What the heck? Is this a new scheme?

Fibromyalgia is winning today. It's not that cold but I'm huddled up in bed under the covers. It is a very off day. At least I can get some of my reading list taken care of! I had someone sweetly ask me the other day what it was 'really' like to deal with this disorder. I just smiled and said I was in pain, all the time. But--that it's not so bad. I guess he could tell I wasn't entirely being truthful, because I hate to be honest about it. I don't like the way it changes how people treat me. He's already quit giving me hugs or shaking my hand when we greet each other. FM seems to wrap you up in a curse where you never get to touch another person again once they find out you have it. Bleh. I don't care if it hurts, I want the hug.

Sometimes it feels a little hard to breathe living in such a small town. I think the concrete jungle of the cities can do the same thing. I miss taking time to immerse myself in the crowded chaos just as much as I do in solitude. I miss the lovely wild gardens of the hills and verdant green meadows. Maybe it's just winter whispering through me today. 

I've been rather busy with thinking about linguistics the past few days. I love being a grad student. "All knowledge is worth having." 

Headaches and insomnia are the devil's advocate. I pity anyone who gets on my foul side in the morning. *grumbles* I don't always play well with others. 

Restless. I dislike it when I am feeling so.. troubled. I would love for an hour or two to escape heavy thoughts and just have some fun (kinky or not). It doesn't seem to be an option. Maybe I can find some good fiction? Would love some book recommendations. 

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. 

- Henry David Thoreau

Probably one of my top classic authors. I've been doing much thinking as of late--about life and where i wish to be another year from now. All that lay before me, potentially, is hard to discern from where I stand. Peering into the deep recesses of my own heart and mind is a humbling thing. Finding out how little and how much I am honest with myself about my own wishes and desires.