LynKaye68

Another day in the life of me.  I should be getting ready to get out of this apartment and get out there looking for another job.  But after 2+ months of getting out there 2 to 4 days a week of handing out resume's, filling out applications, going to the work force center and there has been NO results, it's very hard not to get discouraged and not do it anymore.  But I know I need to, but I think that I will just hang out here at home today and since I have to go out tomorrow, then I can go by the work force center again and see if anything new is out there. Actually I don't have to go there, I can just bring the site up on here and do my searches from home from now on.

Apparently people here aren't thrilled with what I've been writing here in my journal. Since I returned here to CM, I've had about 100 people view my profile and only 2 people have actually emailed me and of course they were expecting something I'm not willing to do or give. I'm not surprised in the least.

Maybe if I sat here and talked about how submissive I am, what I want as a submissive, what I need as a submissive, etc that things would be different.  But I'm not one to just put stuff out there to get attention or a response from people that really has no interest in me as a person.

If a person wants to know me, then get to know me, not what I can or can not be, but who I really am.  I know out there somewhere's there are people that have the desire to actually know me and not just out there to use me for their own pleasure.

I gave up a long time ago, but I found out that giving up isn't going to give me what I am seeking. And what is that you may ask? Happiness!  That is all that I really am seeking, to be happy in life with someone that wants to really share his life with me, in ALL aspects. As I've stated over the 20 years I've been involved within the BDSM lifestyle, it is more than just beatings, using, control and sex ... it's about life. It's about having someone in your life that you can depend on, love, care for, laugh with, cry with, lean on, become best friends with ... all rolled into one. If you can find that, then you can have it all. And yes I am meaning BDSM as well. But you have to have more than just that to make life work.

Just a side note here on all of this: I know there are many people in this world to where their relationship is solely based on BDSM, that is what they need and desire in their lives and I believe for them, it works. But it is not what would work for me.

Been sitting here playing a card game on another site and have gotten a few emails here on CM. It still amazes me, though I know it shouldn't the mind set of so many people in this world. 

It's actually very simple. Just because we are women (and I am not stating this for ALL the women in the world because some wish to be treated and used in such manners and I say, Go For It) that we are to be on our knees and there to only give, give, give and give somemore until there is nothing left to give and then what happens?  We are "released" for the person to go about finding another one that will give until she is all given out.

It doesn't matter if it's a D/s relationship or a "vanilla" relationship what it all comes down to is this:

We are ALL human beings. We all have a heart, mind and a soul. No one should be treated any less than what we are. Especially as a submissive or a slave. We care about those in our lives and just want to be cared for in return. Not used, abused then tossed aside for a better person.  Life should not work that way, but sadly it does and no amount of typing, talking, ranting and raving is going to ever change that.

I believe that in ANY relationship there has to be common interests. Sure so many relationships are started and built on the D/s lifestyle, but what about outside of the D/s? What do you have in common? What interests do you share? What are your hopes and dreams for y'alls future?

Maybe one day I'll have the desire to have or at least attempt to have another D/s relationship, but that will be, if it is even to be, a long ways down the road. Sure I know I'm not getting any younger, but I do not believe that age should restrict us on what it is we seek in our lives that we deserve and that will make us happy.

So just for the record. No, I'm not going to meet up with anyone to play. No, I'm not going to submit to anyone here on line, No, I will not meet someone just for the sole purpose of finding out if I am suitable for their needs.  If you are interested in me, then ask about ME, not what I can do for YOU!

Well I guess one of the main reasons that I choose to come back to collarme was the feature of the journal.  I used to write in the journal here on a daily basis to just express feelings and talk about what was happening in my life at times.  And I have missed having a place to just talk, even though I'm talking to myself.  It's alot better and cheaper than writing in notebooks and having to constantly buy new ones!

As I put on my profile, I really am not sure what I am looking for by coming back to collarme.  I was here for so many years. But the way I look at it, something made me come back to this site, so here I am.  I guess I will figure it out as I go along.

2012 has not been kind to me thus far. And all I can do is hope that as the 2nd half of the year is slowly approaching that things will turn around and I will get out of the hell I've been in.  Hell if I'm to be honest I'd have to say that the last 3+ years have been hellish, but just that so far 2012 has proven to be the roughest part.

But I am working towards changing myself, personally even if I can't change the situation.  I will be joining a fitness center again next week and I WILL get myself back in shape. These last 3 years of doing nothing but working and sitting on my ass doing nothing has not been kind to me. And it will be hard as hell to get back into working out, but I will just take things very slow to find out what my body will or will not do. Of course getting older doesn't help one bit! We will see how it goes, that's all I can say at this point.