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It is a basic fact that to have a M/s or D/s relationship, you have to have a relationship to begin with...you can't just have the same fetishes, and use that as a basis for anything. Trust and respect must be established before anything else can be considered.
Being a Master is like being a gentleman. If you have to tell people that you are one, you probably aren't.
I am a very experienced Lifestyle Participant, in the lifestyle for all of my adult life. I am caucasian, a business owner, intelligent, active...and I seek a girl that understands what it means to actually give herself fully. In my lifetime, I've owned five girls, all in long term relationships.
What am I seeking specifically? Well, that is very hard to answer...because potential partners are not easily pigeonholed...Perhaps the best answer to the question is this...in my life, I've owned five girls...Two were slaves, serving as property...one was a sub...one was a puppy girl, owned as a pet...and one was a "baby girl" with whom I interacted as a Daddy. Does this mean that I change what I want to match what the girl is? Not at all...I simply sought different things, at different points in my life, and found what I needed. All were in long term relationships, the shortest being 5 years.
All too often, there are those one encounters online that believe that it is a girl's self-proclaimed needs that will most satisfy her...if that is the case, then I find it hard to believe that individual is actually willing to please...I believe that her goal should be to gain her own satisfaction by pleasing her One.
I have chosen to remove the list of lifestyle practices from my profile for one basic reason...Because I find that some girls have approached me with letters basically echoing my own interests, when those interests were not then reflected in their own profiles...or in subsequent conversations.
Temporal |
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next rant...What is it with women that live in the heartland of the US...yet claim as one of their very favorite thing to do is "hang out at the beach"....are there a lot of beaches in new mexico...or kansas?...or montana?...figure it out...unless you live in a state with an ocean or gulf shore...you aren't at the "beach". |
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Latest rant...What is it about male "dominants" on this site...loading their profiles with photos of females? Look guys, if you don't wish to post your own photo, that's fine...not all of us can, for business purposes or other reasons...but loading up a bunch of pics of porn actresses to give the impression that you've slept with those women...or that they've served you in the past, is simply ridiculous...
Same thing with the females that put the same generic bdsm photos on their profiles without plainly stating that they are NOT photos of the owner of the profile...that's simply misrepresentation.
Lastly, for the scammers on the site...if you would be kind enough to quit using the same six porn actresses when you create the fake profiles, we would appreciate it...after all, once you've seen 40 profiles with Alison Angel, Melissa Harrington, or Raven Riley on them, the thrill is gone!...and when you claim to be born and bred in the US, yet can't communicate in anything better than broken english...figure it out...only the truly desperate are going to contact you back...and if they are so stupid as to not be able to see thru your scam, it's unlikely that they will be smart enough to make enough money to be worth scamming...lol |
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world's most effective pickup line ever:
"Tell me, does this smell like chloroform to you?"
lol... |
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slavery is not about suffering, slavery is about service.
slavery is not about humiliation, slavery is about humility.
slavery is not about pain, slavery is about being present.
slavery is not about being used, slavery is about being of use.
slavery is not about control, slavery is about letting go.
slavery is not about what is done to you, slavery is about what you do for others.
slavery is not about abuse, slavery is about acceptance.
slavery is not about proving anything, slavery is about being real.
slavery is not about contempt, slavery is about respect.
slavery is not about how you look, slavery is about how much you care.
slavery is not about denying yourself, slavery is about being open.
slavery is not about bondage, slavery is about freeing your spirit.
slavery is not about punishment, slavery is about discipline.
slavery is not about being unable to escape, slavery is about being committed.
slavery is not about submission, slavery is about obedience.
slavery is not about fear, slavery is about trust.
slavery is not about sex, slavery is about love.
slavery is not about pleasure, slavery is about happiness.
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~~~~A girl asked a boy if she was pretty. He said no. She asked him if he wanted to be with her forever. He said no. She then asked him if he would cry if she walked away. He again said no. She had heard too much, she needed to leave. As she walked away, he grabbed her arm and told her to stay. He said, 'You're not pretty, you're beautiful. I don't want to be with you forever, I need to be with you forever. And I wouldn't cry if you walked away, I would die.~~~~ |
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(From 60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney):
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal . For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself wit h some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Andy Rooney is a really smart guy! |
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yet another SUPER involved scamster letter...this one from someone claiming originally to be only 60 miles from me...then they go on...note how they have started using "oh, I was used by a FAKE, and that is how/why I am in this horrible situation" as a part of the scam?
=======start scamming==========
"Hello, First and foremost I want you to know that I am not closer to you as i am far away from you and i will want you to know that i am not into games i am in the united kingdom, also i came to the united state just to see a Master whom i thought was real you can check my profile he told me to change everything on my profile that i am from the USA and also a native of America but am from Europe France to be precise, also he told me to come with my funds in which i did came with my funds and also the funds i borrowed .i later came to the states and couldn't find him and found out he was a fake also i realized that he was just a Fake and using me for nothing.
Well, i haven’t been in this lifestyle but I have fully interest in it and that is why I am searching for that serious Dom that can give me a better training and make me be the best of all.. I am naturally submissive and very obedient but still need that strong man that can control me physically and emotionally. I need a man to control me on what to do, when to eat and when to go out.. Honestly, this is what I am looking for.
I forgot to mention that i also noticed that Masters here sent me tickets about two Master did and the tickets were all fake and got me into trouble that no one can come to visit me here now cos i am being investigated for the scam on tickets cos it was the embassy that helped me got back to the UK in which i had already lost my Job and resigned also my home so when i got back to the UK i had to restart again i had to sell my laptop and get a system also had to sell my phone and other electronics gadget on me so i am not sure if this distance can work out though i like to get to know you and that was why i contact you but what about the distance??????,I look forward to your reply if you still care.
Lonna.
======end scamming=======
do these really work on ANYONE?...is this chain of events even a tiny bit feasible to anyone reading this? Why do they waste their time? |
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Wow...I have received the ultimate african scamming letter here on collarme.com..so, I thought I would share with you all...my comments are in ()...I'll keep his screen name out of it to protect the profoundly idiotic...
Hello my lovely slave, (whoa, fella...I'm a dom)
name is first name is Ishmeal Boateng and It is my greatest happiness to
see you view my profile, (sorry guy, never looked at your profile at all)...i will like to reveal to you this secrete of mine to you and to know the kind of slave i seek and i will not contact you again if you disagree to me.
I feel so strong about you and feel confined in you and have more trust for you because i can feel you are a good person.
I inherited from my Dead father the sub-chief of our village 2 trunks of Gold,and
due to that my family members want to kill me with African black magic which is witch craft,
(black magic?..witchcraft???...you've GOT to be kidding!) like the way they killed my father so i am now hiding in some hotal while i send this mail.
The two trunks are now in the safe keeping company now as i write this mail to you.
He asked our
family lawyer to hand to me when i am 30 years, that is 3 years after his death.
I have with my some of the document and the rest with our family lawyer.
We have been to the safe keeping company together with our lawyer and the 2Trunks
are there. My father saved it as a family treasure but he did not disclose the content
of the trunks, meaning the company does not know the content of the trunks.
I will therefore like you to help me invest in your country by shipping the Trunks to you
then travel to you to meet you and then you help me invest and then we can have a good life.
I will give you one trunk for assisting me, because i can die and leave all instead.
I know you will bear some little expenses but you will make more than necessary in one trunk.
I pray you understand me perfect and feel the truth in what i tell you. Believe in your
spirit and listen to your self and not any body, but your self. I will like you to give
20 percent of my trunk to the charity to help them. Waiting for your reply to connect you with
our family lawyer to work corporately all procedures to accomplish this then i will travel to you then as you serve me u help me invest. Only reply if interested.
Ishmeal Boateng
(all this from a gay guy from ghana....that weighs 20lbs...sheesh, where does he find the strength to type?)
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For all of you doms out there...here's a few of the more recent ways to tell if you are reading the profile of a fake..or even worse, a con artist. This applies to profiles that CLAIM to be native born americans...
1. They claim to be deaf or mute...this is of course so that they can't confirm their gender via the phone...
2. They claim to be "native american"...the scammers from west africa are using this as their ethnicity because they are under the mistaken impression that it only means a native born american.
3. Their use of the english language is so poor that their profile is all but gibberish.
4. Their text portion of their profile has no reference to the lifestyle at all...it's safe to assume they have another agenda.
5. They mention something about their deceased family, and how they had to go live with their uncle in some other country, but they want to return to the states, so that is why their profile is listed in your state.6. They list their "ya who ee male a dress so u can ad them"...how many real women do you know that will publish their yahoo addresses for any troll to contact them?
7. Their weight is listed as "43lbs" or some other ridiculous number, because they are used to thinking in kilos, not pounds.
8. They start their profile with the words "I am xxxxxxxx by name"...again, this seems to be the western african scammers that are using this specific phrasing...I am seeing this more and more...how many americans do you know that would phrase it that way?
I am sure there are other ways to determine the new scams by reading a profile...feel free to send me ones you have noticed, and I will add them to the list and credit you. |
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Wishing all of my friends a very Merry Christmas...and a joyous and prosperous New Year.
I hope that you all find happiness and fulfillment as we all enjoy this holiday season.
Temporal |
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Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. |
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I have had something related to me by quite a few subs and slaves here, and so I am creating yet another essay on a new subject.
I have had a great many subs here tell me that they are often approached by "doms" via email. When it is obvious that the "dom" has not read the subs profile, or has sent a form letter type email, quite often the sub will not bother to reply to the person. A policy with which I agree...why would you encourage someone that is using this "shotgun approach" to contacting submissives?
When they don't receive a response from the submissive the so called "dom" then fires off an abusive, angry, often terrorizing email, most often accusing the sub of not being real...or of lying....or any one of a dozen imagined reasons that the sub is unworthy. They call the subs every nasty name they can think of, saying things that no courteous person would EVER say...I am surprised that anyone that claims to be a dom would react like this. The very fact that their reaction to being ignored is angry, speaks volumes to these persons trustworthiness as a potential Master. Anger is an abandonment of one's self control...and if one is not able to exhibit self-control, then they are not worthy of being in control of another.
I think these individuals are like children...any child craves attention...and will react well to anyone that gives them attention...but we have all seen the immature brat, that when they do not receive the positive attention they crave...when they are ignored, will react by acting out...by throwing a tantrum...because an immature child would display anti-social behavior, as long as they are still able to engender some response. If the sub replies to their abusive, angry emails, even if only to deny the accusations, then the tantrum throwing dom has gotten what he craves...attention.
I have spoken to approximately five thousand submissives on this site over the last five years, and fully fifty percent of them have received this type of horrid attacks from individuals proporting to be dominants on this site. Is it any wonder that submissives are wary of speaking to dominants here? Personally, I dont blame them.
My advice to dominants that have been reacting to being ignored so poorly...stop, it will ultimately do you no good...and my advice for submissives that receive such angry abusive emails....report them, and then ignore the sender...if you respond to them, it merely feeds their unhealthy need for attention. |
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I have a couple of new pet peeves...and I know I can't be the only one that thinks this way, so if you are editing your profile, think about this before you do.
First...do not put a statement like "write me a huge long email and tell me what you will do to me"...duh...who would send you masturbation material, when you arent going to write back anyway? Honestly, anything they write will just be fantasy anyway...and if you want to know what someone is into, spend the time with them in a chatroom, or exchange emails with them..but dont expect them to entertain you with stories...
Secondly...if you are no longer available...either deactivate your profile, and create a new one with your Owner...or make sure that the first words in it are "NOW OWNED"...I am sick and tired of reading down through 15 paragraphs of anais nin quotes, song lyrics or bad poetry, only to find that at the bottom you have "oh, btw, I'm under consideration, dont bother to write"...or "taken, so dont write me". If you are no longer available, dont advertise the goods... |
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I'd like to share one of my favorite quotes, and ask that you all look at the words particularly in light of how you conduct yourself on the internet.
"Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Choose your words, for they become actions. Understand your actions for they become habits. Study your habits, for they will become your character. Develop your character, for it becomes your destiny."
The author of the quotation is unknown, but it has at various times, been attributed to Oliver Wendell Holmes, Frank Outlaw, Ralph Waldo Emerson, and someone with the rather ignominious sobriquet of skippy134.
Think about this as you chat with people, and when on the internet, understand that regardless of the medium through which you communicate with others, whether it is phone, in person, on the net, or via smoke signals you *are* in touch with another human being. If you wouldn't lie to them face to face, why do it here? Or does the fact that the internet is perceived to be anonymous, give you carte blanche to become a pathological liar?
Regardless of the source, understand that your thoughts, words, actions, habits, and character all make up how you present yourself, and treat others on the internet. Be accountable for what you do both here and in real life...telling lies and propagating vicious rumors merely hurts other people, and ultimately helps no one. |
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Doms are just as vulnerable as subs are on a first meeting.
A modern day fairy tale about meeting D/s partners online
Once upon a time there was a Dom who had been without a sub for six months, so he was looking online for a new girl, when a woman that was very attentive approached him, she could just tell from all of their online conversations that he was the perfect Master for her. She worked at an insurance company, and lived in a town about 50 miles from him. They talked online for a while, sharing a great deal of personal information. The sub suggested several times that she wanted to meet, even questioning if the Dom was “real”, because he wasn’t pushing for a quick first meeting.
Finally, the sub said she was going on vacation for the next two weeks, and would be sent to another state for training for several months immediately afterward, so the Dom agreed to meet her the next weekend, for a vanilla meeting. The sub had a problem though her car was in the shop, so could he come and pick her up? The Dom agreed to pick her up at her home and take her back to the city he lived in, because she “lived in a small town, and there was nothing to do there”. When he arrived in her small town, he called her cell phone, as they had agreed, and she said she wasn’t home, she was at the local library, returning some books, and could he pick her up there? The Dom agreed, and so he picked her up in front of the library.
On the way back to the city the Dom lived in, the sub began telling the Dom how very perfect he was for her, that she had already made up her mind, she wished to serve him. The Dom was flattered, and was interested, so they began talking in depth about a long-term relationship. The sub was very excited, telling him of all the ways she would please him. When they arrived back in the Dom’s city, the sub asked to go to his home, so she could “change clothes”. So the Dom took the sub to his home, and instead of changing clothing, she disrobed and offered herself on her knees to the Dom. The Dom accepted the sub’s service, and they were sexually intimate.
Afterwards, the sub asked the Dom to go to the store for her, because she needed some feminine products. The Dom went to the local grocery store, and stopped by to pick up some take-out food on the way back, leaving the sub at his home. When he returned, the sub told him that she had to make her safe call, which she did in another room.
Our Story takes a Scary Turn of Events
Within 15 minutes, there was a knock on the door. It was the police, asking if the sub was there. The Dom replied that she was, and went back to get her from the kitchen. She went outside to speak with the police, the Dom staying inside. Then the police knocked on the door again, and handcuffed and arrested the Dom. The Dom was charged with kidnapping, rape, and assault. He was taken to jail that night.
The sub had told the police officers that she was being held against her will, and that the Dom had raped her. She told the police that she had agreed to go on a “date” with the Dom, nothing more. She didn’t mention that the meeting was D/s related, nor that she was there of her own volition.
The bail for the Dom was set at almost a half million dollars, so he was stuck in jail. The sub was taken to the hospital, and had a rape kit run, to prove that intercourse had happened.
And now…for the rest of the story…
The sub was taken back to the Dom’s home, where she was allowed to retrieve her belongings, and then she disappeared. The Dom hired an attorney, who subsequently found out that the sub didn’t live in her small town at all. The sub was not an employee of any insurance company, and she had no any visible means of support. The sub didn’t own a vehicle at all. A check of her record revealed she had been arrested multiple times for forging checks, and committing fraud, she had even spent time in prison for it. The specific frauds had to do with being intimate with men, then attempting to extort money from them, with the threat of claiming rape against them. Once she would threaten the men, most would give her cash to make her go away.
In this case however, the sub had been alone in the Dom’s home, and had discovered that he had several thousand dollars in cash in his bedroom. She took the money, and knowing that she had to make her escape without the Dom pursuing her, she called the police and claimed she was being held against her will and that she had been raped.
Fortunately, the Dom had the foresight to keep a record of all of the online chats and was able to provide them to the police. Ultimately, all of the charges were dropped, but the Dom lost the money he had at his home in cash, he had to pay thousands of dollars to his attorneys, he was in jail for a month, and he suffered permanent damage to his business…because of course his customers found out what he was charged with, and many thought “where there’s smoke, there’s fire”…and wouldn’t do business with him anymore. All told, his losses were to his reputation in the city he lives in, and about 50 thousand dollars.
So now the Dom no longer looks for a sub, either online or offline…and he has no trust at all for anyone in the world. The supposed sub got away free and clear, because it is his word against hers that the money she stole even existed…So, with no proof there is nothing he can do…and though SHE had no proof, he spent a month in jail.
Every Fairy tale must have a Moral
It is a common belief amongst lifestyle folk that it is the woman, the sub that is most at risk when meeting a male Dom. There is the fear of rape, or of abuse, we’ve all heard the story of the sub that went to meet a man she didn’t know well, and ended up in the hospital. But men are just as much at risk, they are just as susceptible to being used and abused as are women….just in a very different way. So the moral of this story is, it doesn’t matter if you are male or female, Dom or sub, don’t ever underestimate the fact that predators DO exist out there, and they aren’t all men…oh, and one more thing, this story is actually factual…no fairy tale at all. |
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I was surfing the internet one day...and ran across this short quote from a CNN interview...it struck me as saying about all that needs to be said about the war against terrorism, and the part that the US soldiers, airmen, marines and sailors are playing in it. I'll let you decide for yourself.
"December 9, 2005 (CNN) While interviewing an anonymous US Special Forces soldier, a Reuters News agent asked the soldier what he felt when sniping members of Al Quaeda in Afghanistan. The soldier shrugged and replied, "Recoil."" |
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THREE DAY SUBS...
I've decided to continue my series of essays that will hopefully help folks new to the site, and new to the lifestyle.
I've titled this one "three day subs"...because that's what I see happening here all too often. A newbie sub shows up online...writing in her profile that she has no experience, and is new to the lifestyle. Three days later, she's changed her profile, and is gushing with joy at having found the "perfect master for her"...
This lifestyle is different from vanilla dating, it's truly different from any other type of relationship there is, for one very important reason. In no other relationship does one partner willingly put themself in a position of being totally physically vulnerable to another person. As a result, before this period of vulnerability commences, you have to have total faith and trust in that other person. In other words, when you are bound, hand and foot, gagged...unable to move or escape...that is NOT the time to discover that the person approaching you with something that can kill or maim you is NOT totally trustworthy.
We've all heard of subs that have ended up in the hospital, or who have had horrible experiences, because they chose to trust someone that hadn't earned that trust. Quite often, because these men are well experienced in luring a sub to them, knowing how to prey on them, they can make themself seem to be the "perfect master for you" types...and they will often compress their contact with the submissive...chatting with them several times a day, long chats...making it seem as if they have invested more time in the relationship than what has actually transpired.
So, the best thing I can suggest about speaking with someone new...if that person offers to collar you after two or three day's discussion...if they want to move to the physical too soon...that should definitely be a red flag. Only a few days, is NOT long enough to engender the true trust that is required to give your submission to another. We all know that there are subs that have what is commonly called "subbie fever"...an overwhelming desire to be owned, to give up their submission to...and we also know that there are those out there, that are predators...people in and out of the lifestyle, that take advantage of these subs.
Please take a moment to think about how quickly a relationship moves along, and who is steering the speed...and think, if you met someone out in the world three days ago...would you trust them enough to make yourself total vulnerable to them? |
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I see that there is a newbie on the site, with a name very similar to mine...also in florida...but he is a 20 year old...so...if you run into him, and there is any issue...go talk to him, not me...I don't troll, I don't play games...and I've been in the lifestyle longer than he's been alive...so I don't want any overlap shit from anything he does... |
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I recieved the following from a sub, who after reading the rant I recieved from the sad and distinctly disturbed individual in the last posting, was moved to write to me with the following:
"Sad is it not, that that self-proclaimed slave is so judgmental of something that does not concern her? They are your views, your desires and yet, again, someone wants you to turn them to their thinking, their ways. LOL Funny, in a life that is about an individuals desires, when you express them...they come at you for that. On top of that they can not even spell...Sadly, this lifestyle says one thing and then attacks when they don't like what you have to say. i would call it fear, fear of a true world of D/s and BDSM. Good luck to you in your search and Kudos for you for always standing firm in your standards, beliefs and what you seek...it is truly what it is all about!!!! "
It's nice to see that there are some intelligent, rational people on here, and that not everyone listens to the bad advice from the voices in their head... |
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I received the following from a so called "slave" today...and it was totally unsolicited...I've never contacted her, never spoken to her in chat, never emailed her in any way...never thought to do so, because it seems she lies about where she resides on her profile...here it is in it's unvarnished insanity, poor spelling and diction unedited....perhaps you can make some sense of it, as I don't seem to be able to...
"You sound quite bitter and burned out. I think you're lying when you say you aren't angry. You are pissed as hell and it shows in every reactionary and defensive setence you write. There's a way to tell people that clearly and undecisively what you want. You don't want to: all you clearly and undecisively want to do is get back at all thebig bad people on collarme who were so mean to you! I'm nearby, I'm lovely and have a photo, and I've actually lived as a slave for very many years until my master died (I cared for him for six years before the end finally came), but your personality is an enormouse turn-off to me, and probably to any other decent and honest submissive. You, mister, have turned into the person you claim to hate: a huge game player and waste of other peoples' time. :( "
now...I don't normally pay much attention to what others say...but I wanted to relate this to all of you, so you have some idea of the sad and warped people that can come at you from the blue... |
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There will of course come a time in every D/s relationship, when if you want to take it to the next level, you will have to meet in person. There are some basic rules to follow to help ensure your safety.
First, before the meeting, get the Dom/mes real life information, name, addresses, phone numbers, place of employment, etc…and CHECK THEM OUT. Call the Dom/me at their office; make sure they actually work there. Call them at home; make sure that all phone numbers are real, and that you aren’t just calling a cell phone. Many married people that are cheating will just provide a cell number.
Secondly, always have that first meeting in a public place, with lots of other people around, and make sure that you are NEVER ALONE with the person. "Public" doesn't mean "in the parking lot of the bar"...or "my house, cause my roommate will be there"...or "let's go sit in my van so we can talk privately"...Public means public, where you are NEVER where a quick shout won't bring instant help.
Third, arrange for an hourly safe-call to a trusted friend (who doesn’t need to know all the details of why you are meeting someone, just that you are on a “date”). Make sure this person knows where the envelope with the information on the person you are meeting is, so if you don’t return, they can give it to the authorities. Make sure that your last safe call to your friend is AFTER you have left the first meeting and have arrived home. And something new I have noticed lately, is a penchant to make your safe call someone is in the lifestyle but that may be in another state, or even another country...I don't recommend you do this, it will be exceedingly difficult for someone from the UK to get the cops in Canada interested in a missing person...better to have a local vanilla friend, that you can tell you are on a "blind date"...someone local can always get more done for you with the proper authorities, should there be a need to do so.
Next, check the person’s Drivers License when you arrive, both to make sure they are of legal age, and to make sure they are the person they claimed to be when they gave you their personal information. It doesnt' help you if the dom/me gave you information for a real person, but it's not the person that showed up for the meeting.
Lastly, keep in mind that first meetings are for getting to know someone, to check them out, NOT for sex or collaring or going to a motel and letting yourself be tied up. I realize that as a submissive, you may be anxious to find your One, but don’t let your personal safety come second to that.
I will also suggest something else...and that being that first meetings do happen in public, but shouldn’t happen in a D/s or BDSM friendly atmosphere. Often, a Dom/me will suggest a first meeting at the local BDSM play club. This is not a good idea. The reasons for this are twofold. In a play club there is, between confirmed partners, often a certain degree of consensual forced play. So you don't wish your first meeting, where a predator may actually try to force you, to be mistaken as mere play between consenting partners.
Also, as I said before the first meeting should be a vanilla meeting, with no touching, no sex and no scening. Any attempt by the Dom to seduce the sub into play should be taken as a breach of faith, a sign that the Dom/me isn’t worthy because if he wants you to perform either sexually, or in a scene, at a first meeting, he is obviously putting his own pleasure and gratification before your safety. Is that the type of Dom or Master you wish to have for the long term? It’s typically best to not have that meeting where the Dom might be led to believe you seek more than conversation.
It has been my own experience, and from speaking to literally thousands of subs and slaves over the years, that most real and worthy dominants will have no trouble at all taking the time needed to let the sub or slave come to trust and respect them, before moving into the more physical aspects of our lifestyle.
Last, but certainly not least, be on the look out for "red flags", during chat, has he become angry towards you?...have there been any threats?...has he changed the meeting place at the last moment?...has he become upset and accusatory, because you questioned him about anything?...has he not given you any details, because "your just a newbie, and you shouldn't question my experience"...has he made it a point to separate you from other subs or friends within the lifestyle, so that his lack of experience isn't noticed by them?...does he claim vast experience, yet not know some of the basics?...does he have sudden mood changes?...these are only a very few of the basic red flags you may see...there are MANY others. |
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| A submissive or just a brat? |
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I read a profile the other day, that said the following:
I need a very confident, smart, dominant, tall, strong man to put me into submission. If you think you can tame me, please contact me.
And I began thinking...why do so many so-called "bratty subs" think that this is attractive? Certainly seeking out a submissive can be an engaging and interesting pasttime, but why would a Dom/me that is seeking a submissive, have any interest in someone that needs to be forced into submission? Why should a Dom/me have to "tame" a submissive? Why would a Dom/me want to choose someone that has not a natural inclination to be submissive, if the sub doesn't have a true desire to serve, if the sub feels a need to initiate a conflict to manipulate a Dom/me into claiming or taming them...are they truly submissive at heart?
Upon reflection, I have concluded that a brat, or a SAM (smart ass masochist) has very little inclination to be submissive at all. Instead they seek a constant conflict. They attempt to manipulate the Dom/me into constantly proving their dominance. I liken this to the vanilla wife that cannot take it on faith that their husband loves them by the fact that he is faithful and beside them every day...but instead desires him to constantly "prove" his love to them. Something that I find can be very difficult to maintain in a relationship.
And...if the submissive is the one that is driving this behavior in the Dom/me...then are they truly submitting?...are they not instead constantly cracking the whip of control in the relationship?
As for forcing a submissive into submission, I've alway held the belief that submission is something to be offered, freely...not as the result of intimidation, or force. | |
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| Lifestyle References are a thing of the Past |
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I used to suggest that check the references of a potential Master or Mistress before meeting for the first time. This used to be a great idea because if they had confirmation from another lifestyler that the person was safe, that would hopefully mean the potential Dom/me was at least real. Nowadays it's meaningless. I say this because of something I am seeing more and more often.
The trolls are doing something to give themselves sterling references by creating several online profiles...FEMALE profiles...and then they claim to have owned the "subs" the profiles represent...so, when you ask a potential Dom/me for references...they give you the email contact info for these "submissives". Then, pretending to be their own former submissive, they respond to you themselves, assuring you that "master so-and-so was the best master I ever had, and I'd still be with him, if I hadn't had to move to bumfuck egypt".
Typically, their former "sub" has supposedly relocated far away...so a meeting with this fictional sub is of course, out of the question. To make the fraud complete, they claim that the former “sub” has to be discreet, so you can't even call them on the phone...so, the only confirmation you can recieve is with an email from an anonymous person, a person that doesnt' even exist...So...don't put too much faith in any references you are given...they are too easy to fake... | |
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| Why do so many think that submission is a gift? |
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I have always had an unusual outlook on many different "accepted" tenets of the lifestyle. As an example, I see many subs that refer to their submission to their Dom/me as a "gift". I've never understood this attitude.
Does the submissive feel that by bestowing a "gift" upon the dom, that her act of submission makes him beholden to her for something, as if it were all her giving..and him receiving?
My dictionary defines a gift as "Something that is bestowed voluntarily and without compensation." In other words, something that is given, with no expectation of anything in return. How many of you would give a birthday gift with the caveat that the other person MUST give you one in return? Also, anyone that has ever watched Judge Judy knows that once a gift is given, it becomes the sole property of the recipient, to use or dispose of as he/she wishes. How then can submission be considered a "gift" in any sense of the word?
Certainly, when a sub offers his/her submission to a Dom/me, there IS an expectation of something in return, there must be. The sub has the expectation that their safe word will be respected and that their limits will be respected. Just as the Dom/me has the expectation of service and obedience from the sub. So how can anything given to another conditionally be a real gift?
Additionally, if a sub's limits and safeword are not respected, the sub can certainly withdraw their submission entirely and leave his/her Dom/me, or can even request that there be additional limits put in place. Since once a true gift is given, it becomes the property of the recipient, how then can a submissive withdraw the "gift"? The simple answer is that a real gift cannot be reclaimed.
Instead, simply put, both the Dom/me and the sub have expectations, and those expectations must be continuously fulfilled, else the relationship can and should end. I suggest that the submission and dominance dynamic in a D/s relationship is instead an exchange of services, the sub offering his/her submission, and in return gains the dominance from his/her One. The dominant provides control and safety, and receives from his submissive in turn. Each giving and taking from the relationship in an equally beneficial way.
In my own view, to call submission a gift just tends to overly romanticize what is truly taking place, and tends to present the sub as being the benevolent one, while the Dom/me is viewed as the crass taker, giving nothing in return. | |
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