LilMissHaven

Life?s plot

Adversity rewrites the story of our lives, changes the cast of characters, and altars what we would expect to happen.Yet the stories go on and someday, behind the scenes, we'll find the true importance of their twists and turns. Remember to start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can. Though at times the story of your life is unsettled, at it's center there is the certainty of hope and the promise of good things to come. Sometimes the longer we sit and listen to the quiet, the more we come to know our inner strength. Even the strongest people must step back, take a deep breath, and summon their courage now and then. Courage. Courage is doing what you must when doing what you must is the hardest thing of all. You never know how far you can go until you envision a distant destination and take the first steps. Even a well planned journey can have a rough road now and then... but somewhere down that road there is a smooth lake, and bad things may happen to us, but they do not change who we are. During times like these it is good to remember there have always been times like these, and not everything that is faced can be changed but nothing can be changed unless it is faced.. but all you've got is all you can give and that will always be enough. Deep inside us, we have a spirit of energy and determination, a spirit that refuses to be broken and we call this hope. Even when life's challenges overwhelm us, our hope inspires us to rise to new heights...for light always follows the darkness. What the caterpillar calls the end, the rest of the world calls a butterfly... and in the midst of winter, learn that in you is an invincible summer, that your pain is the breaking of the shell that incloses your understanding.Don't ask for an easier life, ask to be a stronger person. Nothing is stronger than strength of spirit. The body may falter, but inside, unchanging, a spirit brilliant with strength and resilience shines on. And on. And on. Also remember that nothing endures forever. Everything perishes in time. So laugh and love while you may, help who you can, work while you must and when the end comes so be it. All fame ends in oblivion and is soon forgotten, but it is fun to strive, joy to win. It is a challenge to lose and try again, and victory always comes if you try hard enough. To lose is not to fail. The only failure is to lose and not try again. What would you do if you knew you could not fail? No one knows the challenge better than you. Advice is fine, but trust your own instincts, follow your heart. And keep on, little by little, one day at a time. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never leave nor lose. To the question in your life, you are the only answer. To the problems in your life, you are the only solution, so do not compare yourself with others. You may become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself... Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. The pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist, the opportunity in every difficulty. Maybe the pessimist is just afraid. Fear and worry are normal, natural reactions to threats, but so arecourage and hope, and they are the stronger, the more enduring. Do not be afraid your life will end, be afraid it will never begin. Fear is never a reason for quitting. It's only an excuse, and fear is more numerous than our dangers and we suffer more in our imagination than reality. So whether reality is he best of times or the worst of times, it is the only time you've got. Pick yourself up when you're feeling down, no one else is likely to. You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it, but being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent, and saying 'I tried and it didn't work' is a lot better than 'I wish I would have tried.' Create your tomorrows with your thoughts and actions of today. If you travel a path without obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere, but do not be afraid down those rough paths because nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. Life is not the way it is supposed to be. It is the way it is. The way you cope with it makes the difference. Reflect upon your blessings; of which every man has plenty, not on your past misfortunes; of which all men have some. You can alter your life by altering your attitude. If you can't find your way out of any difficulty, it's probably because you're looking for an easy way out, so cross your bridges as you come to them - or you'll pay the toll twice. The journey of healing takes patience and time, love and support, courage and hope. Hope. Hope is the belief in things unseen. Hope tucks itslef into the most unexpected places. Nurture your hopes. Hold them close and understand that they are seals of good things to come. Hope quietly abides in our souls and whispers comfort on our journeys when we need it most... and when you need quiet time there is a quiet place somewhere beyond tomorrow where your heart will find peace and the mists of troubles willl begin to clear away. But if at some point you encounter a storm, bow to it - they will pass; you can bend in the wind without breaking; you don't know how strong you are until your strength is tested. When you call on your strength you find that place inside that is free of stress and home to a calm mind and spirit. Each drop of rain is a promise of growth. Flowers wait patiently for the sun to return, knowing it always will. Belief in ourselves is like a muscle...it's strengthened by constant and careful use. An believing ninety percent of doing. So here is what you do. Trust. Just be. Take a risk. Go back to bed. Be still. Watch mindless TV. Eat extra dessert. Take a hot bath. Be amazing. Sleep in. Have more chocolate. Light a candle. Rest. Hold on. Keep going. Believe. Hope. Dream. Especially dream. Just don't dream of the person you'd like to be because it would be a waste of the person you are. Dreams come true one step at a time. A dream come true is just a tough little wish that won't take no for an answer. A single dream can launch a journey of a lifetime. That journey leads to horizons and horizons are made for going beyond. Go beyond! For no man fails who does his very best. Yesterday's history. Tomorrow's a mystery. All we have is today and it's called the present because it's a gift. Don't look back unless you plan to go that way. There is only one principle that will give you courage - that is the principle that no evil lasts forever nor indeed for very long. Grant that I may be given appropriate difficulties and sufferings on this journey so that my heart might be truly weakened and my practice of universal liberation and compassion may be truly fulfilled. Things turn out the best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out. Never bear more than one kind of trouble at a time. Some people bear three - all they have had, all they have now, and all they expect to have. Each player must accept the card life deals to them. But once they are in hand, he or she alone must decide how to play the cards in order to wint he game. Life is for laughing, dancing, crying, wondering, asking, searching, trying. Life is for finding, loving, losing, exploring, daring, thinking, choosing. Life is for sharing, taking, giving, creating, relating. Life is for living! So celebrate where you've been, where you're going, and the love of life that inspires you to grow your whole life through. Ask God to grant you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change; the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I do not wish you joy without sorrow, nor endless day without the healing dark, nor brilliant sun without the repectful shadows, nor tides that turn against your barque. I wish you love, and faith, and strength, and wisdom. Goods, gold enough to help some needy one. I wish you songs but also blessed silence and God's sweet peace when everyday is done.

I wish you the peace in knowing who and what you are, something I have somehow managed to allow myself to lose.

When there is nothing left to say but goodbye.

I've tried several times to log on and update everyone as to what is going on and why I've taken a sudden and unannounced leave from CM but it doesn't take much anymore to send me into a panic attack.  A simple flashing red "New Messages!" icon has sent me over the edge several times.

J's children, Barb and I have spent the past couple of weeks completly focused on keeping J. home and as comfortable as possible.  In the last few days the Duragesic patches and break-thru pain meds weren't enough, there are just some things a person should never have to see a loved one go thru.

Playing a trapped animal is one thing actually being a trapped animal an entirely different experiance.  Honoring J's wish that I be strong for his children and Barb, funeral arrangements, the actual funeral where J. was layed to rest between his two sons (its strange the things that bring you comfort at times like these, but for some reason knowing they are not alone helps).

I've notified my scholorship foundation and requested to take next year off, I'm waiting on their reply.

Barb and I have destroyed J's "tools of the trade" and cleaned out the dungeon so his children didn't have to have their faces rubbed in something they tried but could never understand.  We're working on getting the rest of his affairs in order now, getting his homes and other such property ready to put up for sale.  Just bear with me please, rarely do I have the energy to sleep most nights let alone log onto the computer.

Sincerely,
Haven

We used to glide as if we were dancing on ice together, our transitions smooth and effortless, our bodies moving and blending together to silently tell the story of our love, our souls slowly melting together to create one perfect being.

I will never find the words to describe the pain that rips thru your body and soul when its taken from you. 

O' how I've missed dancing with J.

My memories of "us" have been my one saving grace on those days that I just can't find the energy to get out of bed.  They have masked and softened the hard feelings that come with grief, buffering the overwhelming sense of helplessness.

For a long time now I've been using these memories to work past the grief I'm feeling, to remain a productive and pleasing servent.

Last night, our transitions were stiffled and clumsy, J kept losing his balance, tripping over his and my feet, forgetting the moves and  I for some unknown reason I was overcome with a deep undefinable fear so I called on my memories once again and for a brief second we once again as one touched the heavens.

I was really ok till last night, I was ok until the dogs started begging to go outside this morning and I was ok as long as I could find something else to focus on, it didn't/doesn't matter if its housework, chores or homework just don't stop long enough to think thats the goal of this game.

The problem is eventually there's nothing left to do but think.  Then your fucked!!  Cause it hits you not in little pieces ... no cause you've been too busy running, no it hits you all at once like a fuckin out of control train.  And suddenly your out of control wanting to scream in frustration and anger one second to laughing thru your tears at a fleeting memory.

Then there's the peace that comes with knowing J gave me one last gift as my friend, love, Master...He saved his last dance for me.

If you took the time to read this entire post then do yourself and those who love you a favor... Don't waste another second in telling them all the things you should have told them, don't leave them with a shadow of a doubt how important they are to you.

Recently, I read the concerns of a male submissive who questioned whether or not to give up his search for a Mistress due to his sight impairment.  My first thought was to cry for this poor lost soul; but, then I remembered my own experiance within the arms of another who could see past my faults to the inner me.

So, my words to you my friend are simple...You do not have to be perfect for everyone but to someone you will be everything!

All you have to do is believe in you and the potential you carry within your heart and never give up your dream.

I close this blog with a link a friend shared with me during my own personal crisis of faith in myself.  I hope it helps.

Haven

And then she cried

http://www.collarspace.com/htmlarea/smileys/0557.gif" align=absMiddle border=0> Thanks for everything.

When all hope dies, where do you turn?

I've been watching and waiting for months for J to take his last breath.  Always expecting the news to come some late night that he passed in his sleep.

Well, the news finally came but it wasn't what I expected.  It wasn't J's slave banging on my door Friday night but the brother of a very dear friend of mine, who's daughter suffered a stroke and was being flown to the hospital where she would later be pronounced brain dead.

What do you say?

I've spent the last five days watching her sit beside her daughters bed waiting for the power's that be to line up the organ harvest, watching friends and family fumble thru feable apologies and condolances, I was there when she took her last breath and all hope for a miracle was taken from her family.

What do you say?

I've had five days to come up with something and have yet to utter a single word.  I work her shifts so she doesn't have the worry of lost income on her head as well, clean her house, cook for her and her surviving children and still have said nothing to her.

I wish I could tell her how truly sorry I am for her loss and what a traumatic loss the world has suffered along with her in losing this one amazing child.

Some friend I am, I've known her for four years and haven't said a word to support her.

Caught between heaven and purgatory, that is where I dwell.  My days and nights filled with undefinable anxiety and angst with a strange touch of understanding and humor mixed in.  I know how I got here but I'll be damned if I can find a way out.  Instead I watch as one I love grows increasingly weak and slowly loses his mind to an enemy even modern medicine can't fight.  My mind screams for help but heart knows there is none to be found.

You watch, you pray and you wait.  And while your watching and waiting to lose one, you lose another.  Totally blindsided  your left wondering is this what life is? loss?

Or is it the journey to loss that defines life? 

Today, I will say a prayer for her family and dance for her because she cared enough to leave tracks on my heart.

Insatiable soul, starving for light
An unsatisfied hunger, desires delight
A divided world, twisted beyond its dimension
Some kind of tear, wrapped in blood and tension

Emotions swollen, pressured into a pulchritudinous cube
Artless measures, brushed intricately onto the face of a rube
Each torn shred of adulation
Spread indefinitely, endlessly, and self-effacing

Life has no boundaries
Capitivated by fear and desire, lies love
Interpret your mind through your imagination...

I know that some of Y/you are feeling neglected and ignored by my lack of replies lately and I'm sorry.  I just sometimes can't talk without feeling like I'm losing my mind.  Just please please let me get my feet back under me.


Thanks,

Haven

When the Power of Love
Overcomes
The Love of Power
The World will Finally know Peace

A friend of mine and her poly family threw a demonstration party on the use of the Violet Wand because I had asked one too many questions.  It was honestly pretty interesting to see the Wand in use and my friend really enjoyed herself until the end of the demonstration when her Master decides this is a good time to stretch another boundary and allowed 2 other Dom's to use her.

It doesn't take a genius to read body language and this was not something she had agreed to prior, nor was her consent given during the act.

I have always been able to read ppl's emotional status pretty accurately.  And this was beyond breaking, he snapped her.

I went to the woman we all call Mother Slave.  She's old world, old school and a powerhouse of information who has taken it on herself after her Master's passing to educate and protect those slave's needing it.  She knows I sense things and I told her it had to stop.  Rarely do Dom's go against her (I know its hard for some of you to believe a Dom respecting a slave but she has more then earned it).  And she was told to mind her own business, when she and her home stood to walk out in protest, I was not the only one to follow.

I went back the next day to check on my friend and was told by her Master that she was under the weather.  I told him "I can't imagine why"

My friend is very much like myself.  I told him to have his key ready because she will be gone within a month, that in his selfish, arrogant, egotistical, ignorance last night he did to her what he can never undo.

Some girls were meant to serve the public and there is nothing wrong with that at all.  But, there are some girls who were meant to be strictly private property and when you push them to fit your own selfish needs, you will lose them.

Hate me all you want...But, I speak the truth.

MMMMM PEACE
There is nothing better then realizing your feet are firmly beneath you again.

Do you ever wish you could just disappear?  All I want is 5 minutes to myself and everytime I sit down someone needs something from me.

Haven the cows are out
Haven Master wishes to see you
Haven what should I make for dinner
Haven watch the kids for us will you
Haven why aren't my books balanced
NO Haven YOU make my dinner
No Haven you give me my bath
Did you run the dogs
Why are you running at night
Don't slouch girl
Lean over here so I can talk to you
How can an adult woman lose 20 pnds
Don't eat that its not good for you
You look like a whore with make up on
Cover those dark circles under your eyes
Haven do this
Haven do that


Haven wants to tell them all to just shut the fuck up! 

The cancer may be eating J's brain but its taking my sanity.

I started my day at 5am yesterday and it hasn't ended yet. 

Just God 5 minutes is that really too much to ask

Can a hang over kill you?  I'm beginning to think so.

I turned 21, December 19th but due to all the stress of finals, and taking care of J, two jobs I let myself get wore down and wasn't able to celebrate.

So, last night a group of friends got a reprieve from their Masters so they could take me out to celebrate and apparantly try to kill me.

I have no clue what was in half those shots.  But, got to tell you Tequilla is hard to choke down OMFG!!  Thats nasty....







the first 2 times *giggles*

I've now seen the strippers and was honestly NOT impressed at all.

From what Beauty and the others tell me I'm a hillarious drunk.  Apparantly, some girls don't hold their liquor well and get themselves thrown out of bars for telling a dumb ass to grow a sack and get his bitch on a leash.  Now, I know I've thought it before but I'd never actually say it...that would be mean and I try really hard to not be a mean person.

Kinda sucks when you can't remember your own name let alone your ONLY 21st birthday party.  Ah well thats life *winks*