lilliy

Cat Profile:

Her name is Phaser, but I didn't name her.  She comes when I call "baby, c'mere".  I can say "hey baby" and she meows at me.  She has never sat on my lap.  She will step on me to get over me but never on my lap.  She will come by me, and push and shove at me for rubs and love, but she will not sit on my lap.  She will flip over on her back for me to rub her belly but only for brief periods - then she jumps up, changes position, allows some other rub.  When I call her, provided no one else is present, she ALWAYS comes to me.  It can be the middle of the night and I wake and call out "baby, c'mere" and she comes.

When I come home she is there at the door EVERY day.  The cleaning lady has never seen her and neither have most of my friends.  If I am home with her, and the someone rings the bell or walks by the front door... she is gone.

When I met her, she was living in commune.  6 people, 14 cats, she the runt of the most recent litter and ostracized.  I moved in as number 7 and promptly adorned her sleeping area.  Obviously we became friends and when I moved on, 6 short weeks later, the communual guru asked me to take her.  At that time, we were in the country and she was an outdoor/indoor cat.  I didn't know much about her except her night sleep routine.  Her peeps told me she was the descendant of some wild cat I had never heard of.  It may be true...

We moved to the city.  She has had limited access to the outdoor world and sometimes I think she prefers that.  When she can go, she runs to get out.  Loves it.  Rushes to the door, and steps out, looks around and hovers.  She takes slow cautious steps to expand her surroundings and never goes far.  She is easily brought back by a thrown rock outside her circle.. anything slightly alarming brings her back to home.  She looks, so scared and cautious... and takes a step, and then one more, and then another.  She reminds me that courage is not the absence of fear, but the ability to act in the presence of fear.  She also reminds me we... I... need a safe place to return to after the adventure.

She also reminds me that there are hurts so deep that trust may never be there again.  She is a cat and she responds to only me, yet she won't sit on my lap.  She flops over for a belly rub one day and I drag her over onto my leg.  She tenses and stays... for moments.  Only for moments.  Progress, I think to myself.

I try to mimic her strides, her courage, her willingness, albeit reluctant as all hell, to explore the possibilities...

I'm almost a first time home owner.  I am buying from a friend, so I was able to move in and am semi settled before "the close".  I was thinking it is interesting that I could easily walk to the apartment complex where I learned about trust, kink, love and giving myself over completely.  It's too bad He isn't still there... I'd probably not be able to resist an attempt at entering His life again.

I recently had that opportunity here.  I was checking on his profile to see what was new.  He contacted me.  Sure, my picture isn't up anymore... but it's the same profile... I feel like he had to know.  But his contact was casual, as if he was introducing himself to someone new.  I was somewhat hurt and EXTREMELY tempted to reply.  I considered many options.  I could go with it, like I didn't know either.  I could say "hey, it's me, we had to call it quits, remember?"  Instead, I pushed it to the back of my mind and didn't come on here for a few days.  Although.  Lol, I did have a grand time recalling when I first met him and thinking about how it might have been if I just pretended and he just pretended and we started over like we didn't know each other.  I wondered what that would be like.  It can never really happen like that, but it was a fun recollection/fantasy.

Ahhh, life.  Someday I have to give someone else a chance so my experience can be broadened beyond that man... Someday.

Closet full of toys buried away.  Hidden, covered so at least I will not see.  I hate to be reminded.  Ropes still don the headboard of my bed, pushed down, seldom noticed.  Occasionally I see them, grab on, and think briefly of old times.  At least a year now...

Vanilla love - what is that?  Attempts at "normal"?  Such strong dominant tendencies... but nurturance of that can not be forced.  Aww crikey, at least in the open-ness of here I can be dysfunctional with my head held proud.  Lol, is that right?  In the secret of vanilla (normal) it has to be silly fights and too much drinking... I never had to drink when i could play instead.  ARGH.  Who am I?  Can I just be?