lilbelle

ok, i know i've said before there are reasons i haven't gone through and really edited my journals, but in rereading a couple of them the typos are just killing me! it's going to take some time, but i'm going to start working through them and cleaning them up...

also, one month until i'm off for the summer! and we all know what that means: 24/7 naked slave time!

[edit 4/29] ok, the worst off all the horrible typos are dealt with!

and once again i lied! 

apparently i can only write really regularly, or have to wait 6 months in between. and seriously, how does time go by so fast?

i'm married! name legally changed, my kids at school are using my new name, and life is wonderful. We've sort of quickly turned into an old couple, and realized that We need to start getting back out with Our friends more. 

the wedding...

it was wonderful and beautiful, and everything i hoped it would be. it was also small, just a large handful of Our absolute closest friends, and so many tears that i thought someone would have to go buy more kleenex. We had it at a small place by the coast, and the reception felt almost like a party at someone's house. the only person that didn't really know most everyone was my dad (my brother had met a good half of them in the past), and though he cut out a bit early he was wonderfully supportive, even when i danced with him and got tears all over his suit. 

the honeymoon was a short but wonderful visit to hawaii. We both REALLY want to go back with more time, and probably will this summer. We offended a few old couples and the like while we were there (come on, it was Our honeymoon, We were NOT being subtle) but also got lots of well wishes. also, i've confirmed i don't like poi.

christmas was spent back at home, especially since dad traveled out to see Us for the wedding. he's getting older, like visibly so, and it makes me sad. mom's passing has been weighing on him still, and i'm not sure how many more years We will get to have him. he's not depressed, but doesn't have the same vitality he did when she was with him, and since he's retired he doesn't have quite the same purpose. We're going to try and visit more often, and drag his "sorry old butt" as V called him when he was being stubborn about it, out to visit us. 

sex... lots. We're not quite an old couple in that way yet. from remote control eggs (that a bikini keeps in just fine, damn it) to having me lick Her during the intermission of a play, V is still wonderfully evil and torturous. and We've also had "s" back over to play, though she's still most often with us as our friend. she and i have grown wonderfully close, and i'm so glad she has let me. she still has some flashbacks from time to time, and has come over so we can just talk and hold each-other and understand and not judge, and it's so healing for both of us. not sexy, i know, but still part of my story.

and for the moment, that's all there is of it. i'll try (no, really, really!) to post some more about pervy sexy adventures, past and present, but for now it's back to work...

i'm back! i know, you've missed me!

there's not a LOT to report, but getting to not a lot took a lot. even a simple wedding is a lot of effort!

the date is set in october, the location is booked, invites are out, maids (2 each) have been picked, the menu is... mostly set, and dresses are a constant source of discussion. We are keeping things fairly simple though. i don't need a giant cake dress, probably something simple and elegant and white. V will likely be in something similar, but probably black. 

outside of wedding stuff my summer has been coming to a close, and i'm back at school prepping for the returning students. it's a little weird to be wearing clothing so often again!

sex. there has been LOTS. not anything super exciting (i think i still owe you at least one other 3-some story though), just... more intimate. it's not like V didn't already own me heart and soul before, but now it's even more. and with the anticipation of it being more or less "utterly" in just 2 months. 

more soon, really!

greeting to one and all from the future Mrs. Reed. =)

i'm so happy i haven't stopped crying, even as We made love.

no date set yet, no plans finalized yet, but it's happening. it's really happening!

and you probably all want the story ;)

V and i were up when the decisions came through, and i've said before i thought She would marry me if She could. like with everything else though i'm only now learning how much was happening behind the scenes.

first, She's had a ring picked out for like 2 years. She wouldn't buy it until this was all over, but it's been picked out and where She knew She could go pick it up.

second, a few friends already knew She was going to ask as soon as possible. s, who i've mentioned before, as soon as she heard this morning was expecting the call from me. and i've already asked her to be part of it =)

third... my dad knew before me! She called him this morning asking his blessing!

fourth, i owe her boss at work a huge hug and a kiss.  She took a break to pick up the ring as soon as the store opened, and after getting back was just useless at work, her coworkers who know us bugging her nonstop about it, and sort of just amping up the whole joy/nervousness/excitement up. finally her boss told her just to go home and report back tomorrow... if i let Her out by then.

She has told me that She had a million different ways She had thought of, kinky, romantic, and otherwise, that She had thought about to tell me. that it was "tell me" is just more proof at how much i am Hers. that it wasn't asking me or giving me the option to say no; like there was a chance in hell that would happen... but still. She had thought of a dozen ways, and apparently i killed them all from happening.

i was being good, i was naked and collared and cleaning as i was supposed to be today, and so was a little surprised when i heard the key in the door. i stepped out of the kitchen and saw her come in, and... i just knew. Her expression, her being there, everything... i just knew. i was already crying as She crossed the room to me, kissed me, and took my left hand to slide it on.

i was still crying as we made slow, sweet love right there on the floor.

and i've still been breaking into happy tears since, even as i tell the people i need to tell and write the people i need to write, and pause to just adore my Mistress and Fiancé and Everything.

it will probably be small and intimate, i will take Her name, and i will pledge, as i have time and time again, to be Hers forever. 

and now more crying...

no standing! the lower ruling stands, prop 8 is struck down in California!

V and i have been just standing in the middle of hallway hugging and kissing and crying.

addendum:

so, a couple weeks ago i reread all my journals here, and i noticed a few things. foremost i have been amazed at how my life has changed in 5 years. but second to that i've noticed i need to do some editing. 

so no, your children aren't being taught by a woman who can't spell, just by one who is a horrible typer and only does a cursory proofread because when i write here it's usually carved out of an otherwise busy schedule.

annnnd back after disappearing again.

first, the drama.

not Ours. SCOTUS. the prop 8 decision has been due to come out any day and now pretty much HAS to tomorrow. to say i am on pins and needles waiting would be a serious understatement. 20 hours to wait... 

second, ummm... We've been busy! not too much for sexy stories though, a lot of summer social stuff. i mean i've been mostly home and naked and bound since we got out for the summer, but i'm not sure how much more about that you want to hear. it's funny that something like that can become so routine.

We are planning a trip for early August, and i can guarantee there will be kinky things happening. We are debating between Hawaii, Puerto Vallarta, and a couple other places tropical, so i /should/ be a little off the hook in that it's hard to tie someone up under their clothing when they mostly aren't wearing any, but V has also brought up the idea of a cabin in the middle of nowhere for a week, which would mean i could be dragged naked and chained through the forest... which has a little bit of appeal. 

so, that's it, quick update. i'll likely be posting happiness or sadness tomorrow, but until then if i remember a good story in the meantime i'll try to jot it down.

almost 2 months later... i'm a horrible blogger... but i've apparently been doing it here now for 5 years!

and i come bearing a sex story!

i know! you HATE hearing stories about lesbian threesomes, but you came here, i didn't force my journal on you. you can just sit there and take it!

there may have been some wine with dinner...

last weekend was a reunion! long ago i mentioned our now ex-roommate amiko, and she's been living in salt lake city for the last 2 years after getting a promotion with her company. not the most exciting place (she says it's really not /that/ bad), but a good career opportunity and all that, so she's putting in a few years before hopefully making it back to the bay area.

so We dragged her out sunday to a bbq we were going to with some other old college friends, and then back to Our place for dinner that night. a late dinner, with lots of wine and catching up.

the three of us lived together for about 5 years, so there were lots of memories and stories to cover. the most interesting yet embarrassing, at least to me, were the stories from ami about how painfully obvious it was that i had a huge crush on V. mostly when we first all moved in together, but little bits of it still after. V, apparently, hadn't had such a problem =p but when we all first met Her She was very much more closed off and walled up than She would be years later. 

then at this point i asked her if she'd ever had any crushes on anyone in the house, to which little ami replied, and i quote, "are you kidding? we had a house of hot bitches. i fingered myself thinking about all of you!" at which point we all burst into laughter and continued on. 

the conversation definitely turned to things more sex related.

fast forward another half bottle and we were into some rather explicit stories about different dates people had had over, and then ami accidentally mentioned listening to V one night.

i asked if she'd ever listened to me, though i really didn't date much when we all lived together, and usually didn't bring them home, and she said no, but admitted to listening to me when i was alone and getting myself off.

this brought masturbation up and V asked what she did when she was listening, to which which ami very shyly replied that she fingered herself, but in her defense, it's because she didn't have anyone else there to do anything with. 

V asked if she did the same when she heard me (usually in the bath), and she said yes.

there's that moment in such nights where you can feel the whole dynamic shift. V is a maestro when it comes to making those shifts happen. it's just a sense She has, or a gift, because every time We are about to go somewhere with someone new i can physically feel Her make it happen in my gut. or sometimes a little lower...

"We can fix that..."

and there it was. we had suddenly gone from three old friends sitting around getting drunk together to V very much in charge of the room and what the other two women were about to do in it.

"what do you have in mind?"

"Belle?"

"yes, Mistress?"

"Go run a bath."

"Yes, Mistress."

i figured after the room temp had changed that dropping any vanilla pretense had too. and ami didn't seem to care, she was focused on V who was looking at her with Her playfully predatory look.

"Pretend we're not here."

"I'll do my best, Mistress..."

i had an idea of what Her plan was, so i stood and gathered our empty glasses, taking them to the kitchen and humming to myself as i cleaned up, as i would if i was home alone. finishing up i locked the door, then started down the hallway, unbuttoning my blouse as i went. i started the bathwater running (our hot water takes a little time to heat), and headed into the bedroom.

it's not easy to pretend you're alone while still putting on a little bit of a show, but i undressed, putting everything away like i normally do, then padded naked to the bathroom, leaving the door open.

while filling the tub i added some salts, then looking around as if to make sure i was alone, began to run my hands along my body. warming up. ignoring that V and ami were standing just outside the doorway, V running her hands along ami's arms. in a way it helped, and i could feel ami's eyes on my body as i tied my hair up, breasts lifting.

i slipped into the water, taking a moment to just completely enjoy the heat, and lay back closing my eyes. i took a couple relaxing breaths before letting my fingers begin to move. 

the temptation was to open my eyes a little bit to watch V and ami, but i'd been given orders, and i was determined to obey them and not cheat, so when i did open my eyes i kept them focused on the opposite wall. i traced my fingertips between my breasts, then over them, then to my nipples. i studiously ignored V pulling ami's top off over her head.

her bra joined it on the floor as my hands got more insistent with my own breasts, and finally a hand down between my legs. i tried to go slowly, i really did, but something about it was so hot i was having trouble. maybe all the years of living together... she was ami! i'd seen her naked, but we'd never been anything like this. it was almost incestual.

my eyes closed again, and my hands continued as the sounds across the room grew harder to ignore. the zip on ami's pants going down, the sound of the fabric sliding over her hips. the soft moans from V's hands on her chest, then between her legs. 

i could hear Them just outside the doorway, voyeuristically watching me as i wished i could be watching Them. because i could hear Them, and very quickly i could smell ami. as a small tremor pulsed through my body my eyes opened, and i turned as much as i dared. i could see V's fingers moving rapidly, in time with my own as the water splashed between my legs.  i could see the motion of ami's hand between V's legs, her skirt lost at some point, probably on the floor.

my head sank back as my fingers moved faster, the cries from my throat mingling with the ones from just outside the door, my knees parted wide as i felt the wave building faster, balanced on the edge...

it had been... maybe years since i've come like that in the bath. living with my Mistress i didn't need to. or wasn't allowed to...

as my awareness started to come back V called to me. ami was still in front of her and wrapped in her arms, but trying to stay on her feet as she recovered from her own orgasm. i carefully got out of the tub and wrapped a towel around myself as i went to her, helping her to gently set her on the ground as she grinned up at us. 

"wow..."

i had to agree. 

of course V hadn't had her chance yet, not completely, so i quickly dropped to my knees and took care of that. ami's fingers were moving a bit on herself again as i finished, her view being very up close and personal. 

"I think we should head to bed..." V suggested, and so we did.

the three of us fooled around a little bit more, mostly fingers, but i did finally taste my ex roommate... the next morning we didn't so much ignore what had happened as just went on. there was no morning sex or anything, just three friends again enjoying the weekend. ami's flight left that afternoon so after lunch we gave her a huge hug, and a friendly kiss, and sent her off to go return her rental.

i don't think at the time we all lived together that ever would have happened. and if it did i don't think it would have turned out as well afterwards. but We are all a little more mature now, and know better and are confident in who We are, and so it was a wonderful way to connect with an old friend in a new way.

i promised a story about our friend "s". but first i should probably give a bit of a disclaimer.

*do not try this at home. if you are having any sort of mental problems you should consult a qualified professional. mental problems are serious, and shouldn't be romanticized or ignored.*

ok, moving on. this is about our friend "s". s is one of the strongest women i know. she's younger than i am by a few years, but she has lived through more and survived amazingly intact from anything i could even imagine, and long-time readers will know my life has had a few bumps.

s grew up in a small town in the south, and was kicked out of her home after being beaten with a hardcover bible for being lesbian. cradling a broken wrist the then 12 year-old s limped up the road and never looked back.

she has told me stories of the next 6 years of her life. i cried, both at the horror of what she had to live through, and at the completely passionless way in which she was able to tell the stories. getting beaten and raped still brings tears to my eyes just even touching upon the memories over a decade later, but she can talk completely casually about watching her first overdose, getting jumped in alleys, getting chased by prostitutes with knives because they thought she was trying to steal their turf... she spent that 6 years crossing the country to get to California, hiding, and doing almost anything she had to to survive. she never turned to drugs though she was surrounded by them, never turned to outright prostitution though she had offers and could have eaten instead of starving, and never even considered going back to the home that didn't want her.

that would be enough to make her completely amazing, but she didn't stop with surviving. as soon as she was 18 and didn't have to hide anymore she broke off all contact with the people she'd had to hide among, got away from the drugs and dirt and hopelessness, and got a job. 3 jobs actually. she bought used books and used the library and taught herself enough of a high-school education to get her equivalency, and then she got herself better jobs, and even some community college classes towards a bachelors. she now works a single 9-5 job, banking money for school, and taking every side project they'll give her so that she can learn to get petter paid work with the company that was willing to give a nearly completely unqualified young woman a reception job.

she is honestly one of my biggest personal heroes.

now, it won't be a surprise to hear that her teen years have caused some damage. when we first met, through friends of friends, she was very distant. she's a tiny redhead, smaller than me, and that red hair is not an affectation. she's a very sexual creature, and very open minded in those areas (she dabbles with the thought of joining here, but doesn't really need to to find people), but until just recently had never had a romantic relationship. the walls were just too thick. she's fiercely loyal, but only to those that make the grade with her, and everyone else is kept at a firm, if polite distance.

it took a few visits, but V and i, at some point a couple years back, made it inside those walls. she says she admires V's wit, and my sweetness, and that the pair of Us are two halves of the person she wants to be. having gone almost overnight from lacy little girl dresses to jeans and form-hiding clothes it had been taking her years to re-find femininity and so she and i would spend saturday mornings combing thrift stores for her. she was completely accepting of Our lifestyle, and We felt no worries about the more private aspects of Our relationship slipping out when she would visit.

she still had one big problem though, the utter refusal and inability to be able to deal with the parents that abandoned her so quickly and cruelly.

she tried therapy, she tried writing exercises, she tried drunk conversations... but her walls were forged from pain and survival, and would not so easily be cracked.

then disaster struck. running one night after a rainstorm she slipped and tore part of her knee. the ER visit and ambulance ride ate up most of her available savings, and so for 3 months she was on crutches, barely able to walk, until she could get enough together to schedule the surgery (of course she wouldn't accept any financial help).

but she did need some help, and i am so happy and proud she came to Us for it.

once she opened up the door on needing physical help, the rest began to snowball. not able to go out easily loneliness set in, and the realization that because her "partners" were purely sexual they weren't the sort that would really help see her through all this. a masochist already, she'd already been slipping more towards submission in her interactions, and after spending time with V and i was increasingly jealous of my position. i'm so thankful it didn't drive a wedge between us, but it could have, and some frank and tearful conversations were had to save our friendships. though it was mostly me visiting s at her place to help, V was completely read in on our talks, and gave me wonderful guidance on helping s through all this. then finally gave me a proposal to extend to her.

if s was willing, V would temporarily take her under her wing. it would be short term only, would be complete, and her only option besides utter obedience would be to walk away completely. s spent several days thinking about it, then agreed.

watching the transformation s began to go through was amazing. so was a lot of the sex, to be honest. s has serious technique. what she didn't have was the emotions to put behind it, but she began to learn. she would watch as i pleasured V, watching me, not what i did, and learned to begin to find her enjoyment, and the feeling you get not just from getting someone off, but by giving yourself over to their pleasure. she slowly began to lower those walls, and found out that it was ok to do so.

except for anything to do with her parents. she would dodge, change topics, sit sullenly... anything to avoid really talking about what ate at her, while coincidentally word began to trickle back through her cousins in the old country that her mother and father were beginning to try to look for her.

V was very patient, but finally had enough, and so stringing her up one night, letting her arms take the pressure off her knee, she began the "therapy" session. it was a simple stick and carrot approach. when she would talk and answer honestly, i was between her legs, licking, touching, toying. when she clammed up or dodged V had a cane.

We were there for hours. there were breaks, but never long enough to let s get her defenses back up, there were curses and cries and moans and pleading, and in the end the release. i was so proud of s, but she finally let go in a torrent of swearing and yelling and sobbing, and as We let her down and both held her close she finally let out the tears that the 12 year old girl wouldn't shed a half lifetime ago.

We kept her there that night, held between us, and in the middle of the night held her again as she cried, then loved her gently, her body willingly offered up to Us completely.

she was scared the next morning, unsure of how to handle herself after having been so exposed, but we treated her no differently, V very specific about breakfast, and me right next to her in the kitchen.

the next week was her surgery finally, and then a week she had to be almost completely off her leg. i spent most of it at her place, playing nurse and maid, and enjoying that i could help and that she was willing and able to let me.

it surprised nobody that knows her that she finished her physical therapy in almost half the time they told her it would take. she's back to running now, paranoid when it's wet, but still out there. she came back over for one weekend of service, but it was a goodbye of sorts, and We all knew it. V's time as her temporary Mistress was over, the need fulfilled. s still comes for visits, but it is back to how it had been before.

our next proud moment came a few months later, when s began to giddily tell us about a woman she'd met. not hooked up with, or just wanted to play with, but felt utterly fluttery about. it was followed only a couple days later by her announcement that she had been contacted by her parents, and was making plans to meet them when they came to the area (a meeting that i wish could report was a tearful reconciliation, but was not remotely close. some people are just unwilling to change). 

sadly recent events have brought her first real heartbreak, the woman she'd been so in love with having abruptly ended things after 5 months together, and she came over and we commiserated and poured glass after glass of wine, the things you do for any friend. and to her credit she was already looking forward to the next time, her determination at creating a joyful life still strong, even if she was planing on a bit of purely physical fun for a bit to let her heart heal.

and that, my faithful readers, is how i was lucky enough to be able to help our good friend.

a quiet weekend has come and gone, save for V's coughing. my poor, wonderful Mistress came home thursday night with a cold.

so though the little nurse cap was appreciated though Her nyquil haze, it was the chicken soup, juice, water, and swabbing of Her brow that She appreciated the most. it gave me a lot of time to think though, more than i usually have on a weekend, and most of all it made me very thankful.

foremost it made me thankful that my first year of teaching little kids i was exposed to almost every variation of cold and flu out there, and got all that misery out of the way long ago...

it also made me thankful that Someone saw fit to make me a caregiver. though She was miserable i actually enjoyed sitting by the bedside, even if it was mostly watching Her sleep. i enjoy service, enjoy taking care of people.

a very close friend of Ours (a story about her to come soon) tore part of her knee last year and the surgery put her in bed for a week (which she was happy about after 3 months on crutches). while she has a roommate they aren't close on that level, so V actually sent me over to stay with her for the first several days, and I helped her with everything from slow painful trips to get to the bathroom, through food and drinks, through, yes, a little spongework, and I was happy to help because she was a friend and someone i love.

i would say this is a great reminder to thank someone in your life that does the same for you, but i never really want thanks. i get my own selfish enjoyment out of helping others and leaving where ever or who ever a little better than before i arrived. so instead i challenge all of you to try doing something for someone today. just a little something, even if it's as simple as a compliment, helping carry a load, or getting the door for someone who is already carrying one. whether Top or bottom, Mistress/Master or slave, take a selfish moment to feel better about yourself =)

so i promised some stories. i suppose the first two concern V's current favorite toy. tablecloths.

not toy in the sense of something you play with directly for entertainment, but more as something She is thoroughly enjoying exploring the boundaries of. 

for example...

a few weeks back We went up to Sacramento to visit a long time friend of ours, a young woman we knew from college, knew to be a bit kinky at times, definitely lesbian, and supportive of the life that V and i have together. we met at a restaurant that our friend had heard of but never really been to, a dark little family/low-budget romantic type of place. the important part of this story is that it was a place that had good length tablecloths.

this is important for two reasons. first, when we get outside about 30 miles or so from home, our public dynamic changes. the odds of either of us running into anyone we'd know become much smaller, so we have to hide less. two... tablecloths.

it was, admittedly, our second bottle among the three of us when a comment was made about orgasms, and our friend somewhat bitterly mentioned she could barely remember. "What?" V asked her, to which she related that even on her own she'd been having trouble, so it'd been over 6 months since she'd managed to get off in any meaningful way.

"We can fix that," says V before turning to me and saying ,"Fix that."

i was smart enough to grab a fork on my way down so i'd have a plausible reason for being down there [and we already knew there were no families or kids around], so under the table i went. thankfully our friend was wearing a skirt.

i couldn't hear a lot of the conversation above the table, because the circumstances meant i was mostly boxed in by thighs, but what i could hear seemed like V was carrying most of the conversation, especially as i got going. i couldn't tell you how long it took, a couple handfulls of minutes i suppose, i wasn't really going for speed, but eventually the thighs clammed hard around me, the shudders and quakes carried through them as my head was jerked along for the ride, and We took care of our poor orgasm-neglected friend. She could only smile sort of lazily as i got back in my seat, put my napkin back in my lap, and turned as V pulled me around for a kiss, vicariously tasting our friend in the process.

and then dinner continued.

now this wasn't the first time i'd spent part of a meal underneath a table out in public (it happens somewhat frequently at home). there have been several others, including a nice trip to a little place We've been to a couple times up in wine country. again, a little quiet cafe sort of place with decent linens. 

We'd been there several times in the past, heading up that way just to drive around, do tasting, picnics, stuff like that. and we'd found this little place some time ago, and our favorite waitress, a somewhat older than us woman who never came out and said it, but read completely as also lesbian. and this being outside our super-safe geographical area, we'd skirted some other behaviors in front of her as well.

so i wasn't entirely surprised when we went there, and as she came to take our ordered V ordered for me before i could even say anything. then after she left, sitting in a darker corner as it were, V had me get under the table and move around next to wher she sat in the corner facing the rest of the room.

i didn't go down on Her or anything (not there at least), She just kept me there, a hand resting lightly in my hair, and told the waitress that I'd had to run for a bit, but would be back. She then cut my sandwich up into small pieces, and slowly fed me under the table as i rested my head in Her lap.

finally when we both were finished She waited until it was clear and pulled me back out and we headed towards the door, running into the waitress who We're pretty sure had to have known something was up. she didn't say anything though, nor when we returned and ate normally (too many people around), but she gave me a considering look when We were leaving.

wow, has it been a year???

so, obviously some time has passed. it's been over a year, but not a lot has changed. V and i are still very much together. or more to the point i'm still very much hers. it's so utter and complete i'd say it's scary at times, except i stopped being scared long ago.

i'm still teaching! i managed to land a private school job, and am now teaching 1st graders mainly, and filling in on other classes as needed. it's spring break for them right now, so other than a little time i've needed to spend in my classroom i've been staying chained at home. there are times i do sort of wish i hadn't found the new job and could live for V's happiness alone, but i do really love kids. We've actually discussed some of our own once or twice, but We're still young enough that We are not quite there yet. and i think V wants to make an honest woman of me first, which is all still tied up at SCOTUS.

in the meantime, i'm naked but highly accessorized and just finished cleaning and moisturising al the leather in the house. it's a beautiful day in the Bay area now that the clouds have burned off, and the windows are all open and the breeze stirring up the occasional goosebump.

i have lots of new stories for you all, but they'll have to wait for now. hopefully i won't disappear quite so long. in the meantime, i've got some cookies to bake, then some shackles to lock on, then the kitchen floor to scrub...

and i have a new pic up. V and i after a day at the park, i'm the one on the left. =)

no parents or children were harmed in the taking of this photo...

so on the advice of quite a few people here, including a message from someone i could very likely meet professionally, i've taken my pics down.

as i mentioned, my job makes being public about my way of life very difficult sometimes, and in some cases things could get very ugly. 

so for now there aren't any, but i'll get something up soon that's more discreet. =)

so here's going to be a bit of a heavy, and scary topic.

there are times when i consider taking my pics here down. i do this not because i'm worried about stalkers (been there, done that), or that i'm self-conscious, or anything like that, but "because of my profession." 

kink is portrayed as a hedonistic amoral perverse way of life, which in ways it is, and a lot of fun because of it. bondage, s&m, ageplay, play rape, sexual slavery... these are all things i enjoy. a lot.

however... i'm a teacher.

my fear is not that i'll be in a bar some night or walking down the street and someone will recognize me, it's that i'll be at a parent-teacher conference and someone will recognize me.

yeah. it makes me nervous even thinking about it.

now, let me state for the record i have no/zero/absolutely nada interest in any of my students sexually. I love and adore them, because they are wonderful children and they are 7-8 years old.

but i have to ask myself, how different would it be if i taught in a high school?

as a quick tangent, this whole topic is coming up for two reasons. first, i've been recounting to a friend a long-standing fear/fantasy i had that developed around the time i first arrived here on collarme. i was starting to crave a Dominant force in my life more and more and more, and had a few times where i realized the first woman who just stepped up and took me would probably own me forever. if She figured out the right buttons to push i'd be back to the same way i was with my first Mistress, lost in my submission with no willpower to escape.

at the same time though i was finishing up my teaching credential and doing a lot of student teaching, including at a high school. and i realized one day while watching some of the pecking-order games the girls were playing that if one of them found the right buttons...

so the mental wheels began to turn (and i'll admit, at night the fingers flew), as i realized that if with my former Mistress i would walk naked into a room and utterly debase myself for their sexual and sadistic pleasure, what was going to stop me from changing a grade, giving up test answers, ignoring homework... crawling around the classroom, being humiliated by Her and Her friends... basically becoming the sex slave of a 15-18-year-old.

i know, there are stroke stories and erotica on just such topics. fantasies involving teachers are some of the earliest ones we have (and when teaching older kids i know some had crushes, boys and girls, and you should REALLY know - those of you still in school - we see and hear a LOT more than you think we do).

but coming back to my earlier statement: i'm a teacher.

which leads us to the second reason this topic came up: another teacher from my school has recently been arrested for sexual contact with an 11-year-old girl. there's another school out here where 3 different arrests have been made for the same reason from incidents over the last 2 years. and on the other end of the country there was the whole Penn State thing.

this is NOT a good time to have hints of even "normal" sexual activities connected to you if you are an education professional.

as i was telling my wonderful friend here, V has said She is more than willing to act a bit of the fantasy out [read threatened to], but despite the fact i have classroom keys, and that there are plenty of times the building is completely deserted, if anything, ANYTHING went wrong, it would be my career. it's tough enough that any angry parent with a beef against "the gay agenda" (no pun intended) can raise a stink that i'm going to pervert their children into homosexuality (it's happened before. seriously. thankfully my principal totally had my back), but if a parent had a reason to connect me with this lifestyle? and more so knew that some dark, perverted slut part of me actually wanted to be forced over a desk and humiliated and played with, actually got wet at the thought and fingered herself at night thinking about it?

and this is California, where we're fairly liberal, not even the state trying to restrict their teachers to a Rated-PG public and private lifestyle. but even here i would be fired, banned for life, and every student i'd ever taught or been anywhere near would be interviewed as part of an investigation. and if one single student was mad at me for a bad grade, or wanted attention...

not so fun.

so please try to remember, if someone is trying to keep their kink discrete it may not just be that they aren't "comfortable" with themselves, or are too "chicken" to come out, but that there may be immediate, serious, and dire legal and social ramifications to their doing so. 

and because i'd rather end this on a happier note: if you're one of the 18-year-old domme's (or younger and claiming to be 18 anyway), just imagine how close you could have come to your very own teacher-slave next time you have a young, cute substitute... ;)

sometimes i'm amazed by how pretty some of the women on here are. nude shots or boob shots or butt shots aside, a lot of my favorite pictures are just really pretty faces and smiles.

a wonderful young woman and friend of mine here is going to be moving in with a couple to serve them soon, and asked me if i had any tips and advice. below are some of the things off the top of my head that i sent her and realized i should probably post for general consumption. 

slaves out there, if you have any others you think every good slave should know, write me, and i'll post them as well as pass them on to the lucky girl!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

planning ahead on the daily stuff can help a lot, like cooking and cleaning. having things prepped like ingredients and supplies helps for when you're really tired and sleep deprived, or when you're being rushed or challenged. take notes if you can on how they like things; again it'll help for when you're too tired to think straight, or when you have someone like aoife who is joining in and doesn't know, and you can review them the night before while running through your day in your head.

sleep when you can, stretch when you can. you want to take care of your body because even small sprains can become a huge problem, and muscle cramps when you're tied up are a HUGE problem. make sure to keep up on potassium. and iron if you have any anemia problems.

ummm... if you have something you need to communicate, especially if it's health or safety related, DO IT! you can be respectful about it, even if it's seriously contradictory, but if it's something that's going to really hurt you, or something that's really wrong or about to be, it's better to get punished for saying something than broken for not.

and remember Mistresses and Masters are just people too, and have the same problems and make the same mistakes, and sometimes you just have to roll with them.

happy new year everyone!

i would have written yesterday, but i was a little tied up... 

NYE found Us at a party with about two dozen other people at a friend's place, and whereas i thought i'd be wearing something that would let me hide naughty things underneath, V had other ideas and sent me out in a little-bitty black dress, a choker, and heels. that's it. 

the party was fairly kink-friendly, and though there was no dungeon equipment or anything (well, not out in the common spaces, the bedrooms had stuff), there were plenty of D/s undertones; so it was "yes Mistress, no Mistress" for me all night, which i really love and don't get to do in public very often. V took plenty of opportunities to touch me under the dress, and i spent most of the night on a low simmer. Our kiss at midnight turned into about 15 minutes of pure making out while both of us had hands under skirts. We actually drew a bit of a crowd.

well, after that neither of us were really in the mood for a big party anymore, and had made our goodbyes ("Sorry, folks, but I've seriously got to take this girl home and fuck her.") and were back by 1 or so. the little dress hit the floor about 2 feet from the doorway, the heels stayed on for much, much longer.

fast forward 33 hours and there are still marks all over my body, my ass hurts, my pussy hurts, my nipples are raw, i'm still a little bit tingly where i'm not numb (or tender), and i'm actually feeling fairly sated. which i admit doesn't happen often. thankfully V is too, which is good, because my lips are a little chapped from all the licking i've been doing the last 2 days...

today We're going to go out and see a movie and just be a couple for a bit, though every step is going to be a physical reminder that She is so much more to me than just a girlfriend. Victoria is my love, my life, my happiness, my caretaker, my confidant, and of course my Mistress. i'm so wonderfully lucky to have Her in my life this year, and in all the years past.

happy new year!

home, and at least a little bit rested!

V had to go into work today to tie up some stuff before the long weekend, so i've been busy taking down the christmas stuff and getting it packed away.

the trip home was wonderful, all in all. my brother's girlfriend seems nice, was fine around V and i as a couple, and was otherwise less crazy than some he's dated. she's missing... something though. she's just kind of dull, though cute, so we'll see how that goes. i know V was giving him grief about it at one point, and i think he kind of already knew himself. we really need to find him a nice girl...

but you don't care about that, you want the dirty stories!

well... there's one at least... 

after getting all frustrated at the end of my last story, we finally did go out and visit the back of the library late one night. tucked in the space between little external walls and behind a power transformer V had me tell her stories about when i was just a teenager and there with other girls. and as i told her she would start reenacting what i was telling her. the problem was, when i got really worked up and stopped talking she would pull away completely and make me come way down before she would start back up again. moooore frustration!

i finally came though, pressed hard up against the cold bricks with my skirt up around my waist and my legs freezing, but it was worth it!

we tried to make it back for another more mutual session, but schedules never allowed. next time though! and i know a place out in the woods at the county park i want to show her...

the flight home had 2 layovers, so we were too stir-crazy to try and do anything perverted (with security as jumpy as it is we're pretty well-behaved around planes and airports. usually), plus there were a couple guys a row back from us who wouldn't leave us alone. and a screaming child. that wasn't a fun flight...

but home now, and V has a 3-day weekend, so we're hoping to get some serious fucking in and around the NYE parties. i have a feeling i'll be going out Saturday night with some serious secrets wrapped around or plugged in under my clothes.

so, this is going to be a little bit of a weird entry. i'm due though, right? 

one of the things that amazes me so much about life is the capacity we have for joy and sorrow in equal measure. for instance, on one hand i'm bouncy-excited that V and i are getting on a plane to go back home in a matter of hours, but at the same time i'm filled with sadness for a friend of mine who is going through a really tough christmas season.

we'll call my friend "s," because that's what her name starts with. you won't find her here on collarme, so i suppose secrecy doesn't really matter, but she might be here someday because she's a girl with needs, and this might be the best place for her to find them. 

i sometimes have to wonder if having a "tragic past" either attracts similar people to you, or if there are just way more people with tragic pasts out there than anyone wants to admit. 

s is about 5'4" a little over a hundred pounds, and an absolutely adorable natural redhead. like V she grew up in the southeast, but unlike V, s's parents were the complete opposite of junkies. instead they were super-religious. 

s is lesbian. 

at 12, her secret was out after getting caught wet-handed with the daughter of a rather influential local public figure, and after trying to literally beat the gay out of her with a bible they kicked her out, expecting her to come crying home a good little straight girl once reality set in. 

she hasn't seen them since. 

i won't tell you how she survived the next 5 years until she turned 18. that's her story to tell, and an amazing, if horrifying one. but she never looked back, never turned to drugs, never had to turn to outright prostitution, and never committed a serious crime. 

since turning 18 she's gotten her ged, taken some college classes, and has found a job with a company she likes and who are willing to work around her schedule so she can take more classes in the future. in short, she's really made good. 

but her past really haunts her around this time of year. not so much for what she's seen and done and been, but what she hasn't. her idyllic childhood was gone in the space of a heartbeat, her ability to form strong emotional bonds as an adult never really matured in her teens, and despite loving her freedom absolutely, she's still haunted by urges from those teen years, not the least of which is a draw towards older domineering women. 

we had a chance to catch up yesterday that was a very special time for me. i don't know that we'd ever talked quite so openly and honestly before, and thats saying something considering we are both women who will answer almost any question we are asked. we don't usually volunteer much though, and last night we learned a lot about each-other. 

no, it didn't lead to sex. =p 

well, not yet. i may have to ask V about an idea i have... but anyway- 

i'm still worried about her. she's almost as solid a rock as V is in self-determination and willpower, and she's very fractured right now. i wish i could take her with us back to the midwest, but that might be just as bad for her. 

we did come up with an idea though, and it's one i wanted to share, in case some of my wonderful readers are facing a similar problem. 

she's promised she'll do it at least one day, even if probably not christmas day: she's going to go do a day of volunteering with a program for homeless teens. and if it's something that really makes her feel good, she's going to try and go back and do it some more. 

why wouldn't she? because it's still too soon for her in a way. it's been something she's survived but never really dealt with, so while she can offer advice and encouragement, she also has to remember the parts she's not proud of. but it's a start towards facing her own past, and starting towards a better future, where the holidays aren't a bitter reminder, but a shared joy. 

so, my wonderful readers, if you find yourself really down this season i'd suggest trying the same. go volunteer somewhere, go help someone, bake something for someone, anything you can think of to do for someone else who would otherwise go without or be left alone. try to make it about sharing, for just one hour of the holidays. then next year add another hour. and then another... 

happiest of holidays to you all, and to those of you with your own tragic pasts, please know you're not alone, even if you're by yourself.

quick interlude!

so last night V and i were out at dinner with a couple friends (who happen to be a couple), both straight and vanilla, but fun to grab dinner with once a month or so. and as i mentioned previously We have been stupid-busy of late, and haven't gotten in much play, so We've both been extremely horny.

this being the case, V gave me the bathroom conference signal at one point and we went off for a few minutes of freshening up. which in this case involved V pulling me into a stall, pushing me down onto my knees, and lifting up Her skirt.

gripping me by the hair she put her foot up on the seat and pulled me in, and me being the good girl i am licked and sucked and nibbled - though She was having none of the soft nibbling, She wanted to cum! and She did, biting her lip to try and keep quiet as i tried to catch my breath.

of course i was completely worked up at this point, but there was no relief in sight for poor little belle, so i was more than a little distracted when i was washing off my face and straightening my hair out.

this is important, because after we had gotten back to the table, V looking much more relaxed and me much more not, i had leaned over to tell the other girl something, and had apparently not quite gotten my face completely clean...

she kind of tilted her head, then leaned towards me, and sniffed a couple times. then her eyes got really wide as she recognized the smell of girl-cum. i'm pretty sure i turned all sorts of red, but tried to look as dignified as i could and just shrugged my shoulders as she tried not to laugh.

oops!

i know, it's been a month and a half since i last wrote! We've been super-busy with the holidays and getting ready to fly to meet family, so there sadly isn't much to really tell you. V LOVES to tease me when we're traveling and surrounded by people we'll never see again though, so it's quite likely i'll have some trip home stories for you soon!

~ave~

i knew it would happen someday, and last night it did...

while answering the door for kids trick or treating, one of my second grade students ended up at my door.

so she had to make sure that her mom knew i was her teacher, and while we were making small talk V came out to see what was going on, which started the slightly awkward conversation.

"do you two live together?"

"yes, we do?"

"are you like roommates?"

"something like that."

"do you have bunk beds?"

"No, no bunk beds..."

"my sister and i take baths together, do you do that?"

"sometimes..."

meanwhile her mom had the sort of quirked brow thing going, and was trying to keep from smiling too much, because by about 6 questions in she had figured out the situation. well, the lesbian part of the situation, We don't have shackles hanging from the walls or anything.

thankfully the mom seemed cool about everything, and Victoria managed to distract her a bit by asking about her job and stuff, but it was still a few awkward moments.

and now bunk beds have become the running joke in our apartment.

happy halloween everyone! 

sadly i don't have any super-sexy stories from parties this weekend, but i do have best wishes for all the boys and girls and Men and Women who still love to dress up, play tricks, and get treats; be they swats, licks, sucks, or swallows.

i now return to my sugar-amped classroom...

some dark to go with the light:

i've been kibitzing lately with the sweet and wonderful curiousslave21, and one of the things we've been talking about has been darker desires, and it's gotten me thinking, and remembering, and wondering.

i thrive in my current environment, where i am the cleaner, cook, mender, laundress, and personal maid of my Mistress. i LOVE it. it lets me be homemaker, slave, lover, and pet all in one. and do it in a way that is healthy and full of love and joy.

but as my long-time readers know, it's not how i started in BDSM.

when my first Mistress decided to take me i was almost completely pulled from the normal world. it was not particularly safe as i didn't always get fed, would have often been trapped if there was a fire or earthquake, took a lot of physical punishment that could have been pushed one notch up to injury, and could have been exposed to diseases and infections considering some of Her friends and some of the items they used as toys. it really wasn't very sane either, as i'd go days or even weeks without talking, hearing my name, or even seeing sunlight; all while being treated as a thing, part animal and part item. it was consentual only in that i never thought to leave. i was in such a dark place in my own head that even when my own tears were being used to lube my ass i never thought about escape or quitting.

right now some of you are appalled, and some of you are thinking about touching yourself...

it was not a healthy time for me, but... in that environment i also thrived, in as much as i was allowed to.

so the question that arises is "what happened to the part of you that would be sent to Her friends to be beaten and used for their pleasure?" and the truth is that it's still there.

there is still a part of me that feeds off the fear, and shame, and embarrassment, and dehumanizing debasement, and she occasionally peeks her head out and fills my mind with dark fantasies of rape and choking and slapping, of being taken as a sexual , and not as a lover or partner, of being used and discarded, left broken on the floor in chains until They are ready to play with me again.

its also the part that makes me wonder if the assaults and rapes when i was younger were my fault, or if i deserved them, or "had it coming."

its the broken and fractured part of my mind that i don't know the origin of. the original sin.

and a part that until yesterday i had thought was dead and buried, but is now scraping her razor-sharp nails along my insides and whispering the promises of the pleasure to be found in abandoning reason for madness and giving up my self forever.

and even now i'm wet at the idea, my nipples are hard, and my pulse is running a little fast at the thought.

but my Victoria is not cruel and uncaring. She is strict, and can be merciless, but would never let me be lost, because She would lose part of Herself if i were gone.

and i love Her endlessly for that, but have to admit that part of me is sad; the masochist that yearns for punishment for crimes never committed, to be flayed of soul more than flesh, that part of me who cums at the thought of self-destruction. that part is making me sad about the one thing V can't give me. 

but We are already talking about it, because She is my friend and confessor, and the only secrets i'm allowed are when i'm concocting pleasant surprises. and She knows i have this part of me, and that it reappears from time to time, and that it means She can let out a little of the evil, angry bitch She keeps bottled inside to protect me. 

because We have learned that more dangerous than Our darkest desires and wants, no matter how cruel or embarrassing or painful, is not sharing them with each-other. in dwelling in silence We separate and put up walls, growing farther apart as Our minds trap us in cages of Our own making. but by talking, and sharing, and understanding We can shed light on the fears and get to the true nature or need to be fulfilled, and come out of it happier, and closer, and more in love than before.

~sigh~

that being said, i have a feeling i won't see much daylight this weekend, that i will be fucked hard in every way, and that i will return to work monday trying to cover scratches and small bruises and sitting tenderly on a stretched ass. but feeling better, and more healthily fulfilled than just giving up myself would let me.

and that makes me even more wet...

[*last but not least i want to wish a big happy hug to all of You who follow my thoughts and stories and ramblings. there are now 60 of You, and You give me a catalyst to explore my foibles, follies, and fantastic journey.*]

see, i actually came back when i said i would this time!

so saturday day was pretty mellow. We all wandered into the nearest little town and looked through stores and chotchkys and stuff, and then went wine tasting after lunch. We were still close enough to sf that two girls obviously a couple didn't really register on most people's radars, though there were some obvious out-of-towners who would occasionally stare a bit. not that i really cared after the second winery or so.

V, though, was feeling a little playful, and after we got to the second one had me lose the undies and give them to megan, who turned a little red, and turned a little on by the looks of it. as V and i sat off quietly in a corner she started fingering me under my dress, then dipped Her fingers in Her wine so that i could clean them off. the other pair gave us some space, but were definitely watching us closely out of the corners of their eyes. i think megan was really regretting wearing slacks.

We all headed back to the cabin, got cleaned up (i'm pretty sure megan did some spit-polishing), V and i did some spit-polishing of our own at a low-key level designed to make it feel good but not drive you too far up the ramp, and then finally really got cleaned up and changed for dinner. megan had definitely worn a dress for this, but then was mad when i had one-upped her with stockings and a choker. (V was rocking a skirt and calf boots)

dinner was at a local family-run place, but We got there a little late so thankfully there was less family and more quiet. V had Her fingers under my dress more than once, and the handle of Her knife a few times. i did my best to maintain, but i know some gasps got out and i know megan was having the same problem more than once. i'm pretty sure if it was darker and more private she'd have been under the table.

i know i would have been.

and then disaster...

megan's other half has a sucktastic job, and so He got called to deal with something several hours away that someone there could probably have dealt with themselves, but wouldn't. so He got to pack back up and head home. there was a brief moment where megan REALLY wanted to stay. like REALLY wanted to stay, but as much as V and i would really have loved to play with her, i told her that He really needed her right now to help Him while he dealt with his work suck, and if she stayed it would not only not support Him, but likely create jealousy. 

sucks, i know, but sometimes the hormones have to just lose.

well... her hormones had to lose. this, sad as We were about it, left Us alone in the cabin.

stockings in a hot tub don't work the best, but i definitely didn't care at the time. the bubbles felt different against them as i stood in the water bent over and licking V for all i was worth, nipple clamps swinging from my breasts and plug in my ass. 

We always travel with a couple items that store easily, like clamps, a small vib, a short enough length of rope for my wrists, and V is great at improvising, like a washcloth and towel for a gag, extension cords to bind legs, etc.

megan called to let us know they made it back, and got to hear my squeals as She fingered and spanked me, but couldn't see me on my face tied wrist to ankle and spread open wide.

i slept naked and tied up next to my wonderful Victoria, getting Her to finally untie me so that i could make breakfast and start cleaning. We saved shutting down the hot tub for last, having one last long soak after breakfast before loading the car.

We headed home slowly, stopping a couple times along the way, just relaxing and being cutesy again, an anklet locked nicely just above my sandals.

has it really been 4 months???

ok, for the record, posting here is NOT any requirement my Mistress gives me, so i am NOT this bad in all my duties. in fact i'm SO good at them they keep me too busy to remember to come say hi.

that's my story and i'm sticking to it.

but since i happen to have a kinky story, i thought i'd come share!

both V and i have to be a little careful in our 9-5 lives, so we really do try to confine anything blatantly kinky or sexual to our own apartment. i am always serving Her, but if we go to a movie with friends she doesn't stand up and say "slave, get your lesbian mistress a diet coke!" and i don't reply, "yes my Mistress, let your collared pet plaything get You a diet coke!"

well, actually, We ~have~ done that, but when we were being silly, and in private. because really, i'm already finding out what She wants before we get very far. 

but getting back to the point, We both have to be a little careful in public.

which is why i REALLY love road trips.

We took a trip up north a little ways to split a cabin with a pair of friends of ours. they're a straight couple, but fun to hang out with, a little kinky, and have some similar interests. the cabin was two rooms, with a hot tub, and a bit isolated from the nearest others, so you didn't have to worry too much as long as you weren't stupid about pissing off any neighbors.

friday night We drove up in a convoy (can you have a convoy of 2?) generally relaxing, though as we cleared the area V of course started messing with me. i got to be her driving entertainment as i touched myself for Her, telling Her what i was thinking about as i did, and trying to get Her to pull over so i could lick Her until She came. 

you know, foreplay.

all in all it was just light and teasing, and holding hands when We stopped for a break, and the usual cutesy coupley stuff We tend to do, because We're that bad sometimes.

We all got to the cabin and settled in. it was margarita time though, and friday night was fairly relaxed, with each couple being a little cutesy, megan and i handling most of the cooking, and the Tops out chatting and making the fireplace work. not that it was cold, but fireplaces are just awesome. and more importantly They got the hot tub ready.

megan, who as you've probably guessed was the female of the straight(ish) couple (she's a little bi) had a lot of questions as we were cooking, it turned out. They've been thinking about trying to go to some events, and she wasn't sure how it all worked, and if she was going to get molested just because she had a collar on, and what it was really like to wear a collar (i had one of my locked necklaces on, for those keeping track of these things at home). 

i answered everything as best i could (no, they /should/ leave you alone, but if they don't look for security, etc...), we got the burrito fixin's all ready, and everyone ate and drank.

dullllll you're all saying, i know, but it gets better. 

for instance, after dinner it was definitely hot tub time, which brings up the question, of well, collars. i always have something on. always. unless it's been taken off of me for whatever Her reason, so getting naked for the hot tub brought up the question of leaving on jewelry, or switching to something more obvious, like a handy nylon collar we got for just such occasions (fyi, they feel way different than leather in case you've never tried them, but chlorine and leather aren't the best combos... in a way they're interesting because it's hard to pretend they aren't made for animal pets...). apparently They had been talking a little too, because V finally just turned to them and asked if they wanted to see how it all worked beyond the bedroom. They said yes, and suddenly i didn't have to worry about trying to be sneaky-slave anymore and could just enjoy being with my Mistress on a little vacation.

so going into the hot tub i had on a little pink nylon collar, and damn the consequences.

they were most surprised, i think, by how normal the interactions continued to be. but again, i'm good at being sneaky-slave, and so was keeping track of V's drink level and stuff like that. not that She didn't finger me a little and tease me under the water. giving them a bit of a demonstration though, She made sure to send me for anything inside or for the others. it wasn't very long though before megan was doing the same, sans collar, as they tried to play along.

it also meant that once we moved back inside and V sat down i could just sit at Her feet, naked and in front of the fire. megan tried the same, though she stayed wrapped for the most part.

when we went to bed V kept it light, though we could hear the other two going at it more heavily (spanks can cut through even thick walls), and we snuck back out and made quiet love in front of the fireplace before sneaking back in and to sleep.

saturday morning i didn't bother with clothes, and was once more in a nice leather collar and making coffee and tea and starting on breakfast when the other pair emerged. they were a bit surprised that now that i was sober and there was really no sexual connotation i was still "doing the slave thing," but i said that's who i am, and how i am, the only difference is that i'm not dressed. and other than that there was almost no difference in how i was behaving than when we arrived the night before, save for it being obvious that i was making V's tea and breakfast first, and when She appeared a bit later i served Her before getting my food.

then with breakfast done and cleaned up after, it was back into clothes so that We could head out for the day...

(more to come!)

our kitchen is now immaculately scrubbed from top to toe! more summer cleaning than spring cleaning i guess, but it's the first chance i've had to do it. not that it ever gets all that dirty, but it doesn't usually get the full treatment.

so i promised you all some stories.

first, the sort of amusing one of Victoria and her would-be stalker:

so a couple of months ago V had a work mixer, where she and some of her coworkers were being romanced by another company for some work. one of them apparently decided she was hot, and that her completely work-related interest was interest in him.

so first he gets Her to a couple extra meetings, then he tries to get all suave and do after-work drinks. She goes the once, until it's pretty obvious his interest is NOT professional - She could tell because he almost immediately suggested they get dinner and drinks and maybe hit a club where he knows the guy at the door blah, blah, blah... She says She can't, She has to get home to Her girlfriend, and he of course interprets that as close female friend, not ever thinking She could have a collared lesbian slave at home waiting to shower Her with love.

She got out of there, came home and told me all about it, we had a good laugh. there was much rolling of eyes, snickering, and shaking of heads.

he tried a few more emails, but she kept it totally professional, and she moved on at work with other stuff. a couple weeks go by, and we didn't think anything about it.

apparently though, he had been busy. he managed to work through contacts and coworkers, and some professional organizations and come up with our address.

yep. he showed up at the door. brought flowers and everything.

to say there was some surprise on our end would be a bit of an understatement.

and he looks just all pleased as punch.

She kept him outside at least, as he tried to lay on the "aren't i so clever finding you" charm, and finally he asked Her to go out and grab a drink. Oh, and if She wanted Her roommate could "tag along" as well.

so V turns from the door and calls me over, and as i'm walking over to them she gives me that "moohaahaahaa!" wink that usually means someone's about to get it, so i smile and try to look innocent (one of my fortes!).

She tells me who he is, like i didn't already know at this point, and that he offered to take us out for a drink, and i say "That's nice of him". and then She asks, "weren't we going to have lots of sex together tonight though?" and never one to let my Mistress down, i say "lots!" (so i'm not so clever on the spot... =p) so she goes, "I thought so!" and pulls me in for a deep kiss, which i DID know how to go along with. and it was a nice, loooong kiss.

She finally breaks it, and i just try to keep from rubbing myself against her, and he has this totally hopeful expression on his face like he just hit the lotto. up until She turned back to him and said "I think we've got it covered, but thanks for asking," and closes the door in his face.

he wrang the doorbell again, and She called through the door "I'm calling the cops!" in a sing-songy sort of voice, and he left, never to return again. yay! 

the end.

well mostly. just in case he was still lurking outside She made it very clear that we were engaged in intimate activities. silhouetted in the window she spanked the heck out of me before letting me under her skirt, and then had me make my licking as noisy and slurpy as possible. i didn't mind.

as a post-script, he apparently went storming back to a mutual semi-aquaintence and told him that he "totally would have nailed her, but she was some kind of fucking dyke," to which the reply was "duh, you didn't figure that out ahead of time?" so score one more point in the fight against idiots.

did i seriously just wait another 6 months to write? i would suck as a professional blogger. i should start up one of those "a story a day" projects or something, though everyone would probably get pretty bored with what i had to resort to for filler.

let's see, what has transpired since we spoke last...

prop 8: still up in the air. ~sigh~ anyone reading this who thinks two people shouldn't be able to marry each-other because they love each-other and can't imagine their world without the other person, but oh yeah they also have/also don't have a penis so it's suddenly not OK just suck. you know who you are. you're probably not here unless you're into the subjugation of women through Christ and looking for some sort of flock here though, so i'm really venting at the wrong people...

V: still wonderfully happy together. we are very much into a lot of nice routines with our daily life, and then some fun outside-the-norm stuff on weekends and as opportunities present themselves. i'm now on summer vacation, so She gets to be a little more evil and wicked, so we will see what new surprises happen in the next couple months.

the clock: heaven help me, it's starting to tick. you'd think i get enough of other people's children with 38 of them stuck to my side for most of the year, but i'm starting to feel the biological urges kicking in, and i don't think i'm ready for it on so many levels. plus it would really make this openly Mistress and slave at home thing more difficult. at least in the rampant sex department. V wouldn't mind kids, but doesn't want to have them herself, so it would be up to me, which is fine, but we just don't think the time is right yet, no matter how weirdly strong the longing is starting to become.

the weather: i know, weird, huh? my sundresses and short skirts feel so neglected, and we haven't been able to get all team-ho'd out at the couple of baseball games we've made it to.

ummm... there was yet another wedding we went to i need to tell you all about, but it's got a bit of a story to it, so it'll have to wait, as V will be getting home in just a moment and i want to be ready for Her. =) let's just say it was both wonderful and maddening, and my above rant stems from part of it.

oh, and the story of V's would-be stalker.

always leave them wanting more, right?

~ave~

hello A/all, and goodbye 2010!

it seems like it's been a super-crazy year for most people i know (my super-crazy year was 2008... and to think I'm usually the late bloomer), but for me it's been pretty wonderful.

even now i'm sitting at V's feet, typing away as we sit by a fire, the blustery (make that completely freaking bitter) cold held at bay as snow falls outside. We decided to stay with my dad this NYE so we're where it's 13 below instead of 48 above, but we both love the man, and decided a quiet NYE was better this year so we've traded rain for snow.

but this is as much about then as it is about now. 12 months of mostly fantastic time (there are always occasional clouds) have come and gone, and we've hit that point where we get to look over it, and towards the future.

i feel a little bad that i haven't written you all as much this year as in the past. i know, i'm failing the voyeurs! so with my apologies to the men who view me for fantasy material and the girls who, well, I hope do the same, here are some highlights from the last 12 months.

last NYE: fireworks! i don't mean crazy-amazing sex, i mean we actually went and watched fireworks. it was pretty(i always like fireworks, except the really loud ones. V always laughs when i jump 1/2 out of my skin), but the crowds in the city are CRAZY, it's part of why we're going more quiet this year. then it was back to friends, drinking, some making out, sleeping together on the couch, then nursing hangovers for the rest of the 1st. too much champagne always gives me a hangover, but it's SO tasty. especially when licked off V's naked body, trapped in the small pocket created when her breasts at held tightly together, or licked off her fingers, mixed with my own flavors.
ok, that didn't happen last NYE, but it was AMAZING on our anniversary...

spring/summer break: spring and summer vacations are two of my favorite times. they mean i can stay at home and serve my Mistress. they mean i'm there, kneeling by the door when She gets home, that i can do all the little things for Her i want to and don't always have the time for. and, of course, a serious bout of cleaning. i get to make better dinners, send Her off with better lunches; and She in turn tends to tease me a LOT more. i mean, it's not like She can send me to work with children with a vibrating plug in my butt. but grocery shopping? She can and does. 

disneyland: We took a long weekend trip down to the happiest place on earth (tm) this year, staying right across the street from the park. 3 days of rides, hot tubbing, and trying not to scare the normals by being scary perverted dykes. the crowds were a little big, but when it got too crazy we'd just head back and rest up, then go back out when We were ready to face them again. it was like we were just normal people or something. of course She made me sleep tied up (with mouse ears on at one point! =p), and We had to hide restraints and toys from housekeeping, but it was a lot of fun. well, that and when She sent me back out one night with a leather harness on under my dress and no underwear.  We're not sure what our vacation this next year will be, but the thought is "tropical". it'll be tough for Her to tease me like that under a bikini, but if anyone can find a way...

[Mistress says if anyone has any ideas to tell me, and i'll pass them along. whether i want to or not...]

anniversary!: see above about champagne. wow. WOW. i thank the powers that be every day for my Victoria, and that She's in my life. it was a very simple evening, no going out to dinner or a concert or movie or anything. it was Her, myself, and my collar. my first one, my simplest and most plain one; bought hastily because She knew what i needed most in my life was a band around my throat with Her on the other end. She re-collared me, and then We spent the next 24 hours doing nothing but touching, licking, kissing, fingering, loving, and flatout fucking. there was no part of me that wasn't messy or sore or reddened or stretched. and for every spank, every twist or rope or nipple, every thrust into my mouth, cunt, or ass, i thanked my Mistress. i kissed Her, licked Her, ate Her, rutted against Her: begged, pleaded, pleased, and LOVED. She didn't untie me for another 24 hours, even when i was cleaning her wonderful body the next morning, or She was watching me try to clean my own.

wedding: i mentioned a wedding in my last post, and We went, and it was lovely. it wasn't nearly as exciting as the other one We had been too, but it was pretty and i cried. We're still waiting on prop 8 to finally be decided...

holidays: thanksgiving was fantastic! We hosted a dinner, turkey and all, for over a dozen of our closest friends. Our friend Ed carved (he was the only one with experience at it, and he even had his own carving tools!), i ran around in an apron playing susie homemaker, and of course loved every minute of it. V sat at the head, i sat at the foot (of the table, not hers for a change), Ed carved, everyone ate. there was wine, pie, stuffing, all of it. it was like home, growing up. it's what i was raised on, and raised to make, and have always wanted. V held me that night after everyone was gone and indulged me as i went on and on and on and on about it. Christmas was more quiet, with just food for the five of us (my brother brought his girlfriend de jour, he still can't land a keeper, poor guy, and this one couldn't deal with the cold here). there was less talk about mom this year, and it was filled with quiet happiness and past memories.

nye: tonight is going to be V, dad, and me, and he'll probably go to bed shortly after midnight. We'll probably settle in with a bottle or two of Our own for an evening of soft kisses and touches, saving the heavy stuff for when We get home, unless She starts teasing me on the flight home like She did on the way here... She loves playing with stocking-tops, what can i say. =)

so there you have it. Our last year in a nutshell, including some heavy, kinky lesbian sex to satisfy the wetness or stiffness some of you came here to satisfy. for the rest of you, i hope you've enjoyed catching up; i've missed writing you all, and hope everyone has a safe and happy new year!

getting ready to leave for the airport with V in a little while to head back home to the mid-west and meet up with my brother and his new girlfriend. i haven't had a chance to vet her yet, so we'll have to see how it goes. from what he's said she sounds nice, but he's not entirely sure how comfortable she is about homosexuality, and since V and i aren't shy about our casual affections if she's going to have a problem there's going to be a problem. they're going to talk about it before getting on their own plane. 

we've learned the hard way that talks like that sometimes need to happen... 

i went to visit him once while he was dating some random girl and a friend was over visiting whom i know from down where he lives and have occasionally made out with a bit in the past, and we were all drinking and the girl and i kissed. suddenly we hear this "oh my god, are you two some sort of fucking dykes or something?!?" from behind us.

apparently while she was loose enough in her biblical beliefs to be just fine with pre-marital sex she was still fundamentalist enough to see us as some sort of abomination.

you know, i never have a problem if someone truly believes their faith enough to have a problem with two men or two women being together as long as they don't just pick and choose what parts of their decided faith they'll follow. well, i also like it when they don't try to stone me. 

speaking of medieval, Victoria was playing with the idea of having me wear one of the harnesses under my clothes on the airplane. while sort of exciting we both realized that if one of the buckles set off a metal detector it would make life a little more interesting than we'd like it to be. 

since it's the holidays we're toning down the teasing a little bit. it's also only the second Christmas without my mom, and we all really want to be there to support dad. a few other friends from back in the day are going to be back visiting as well though, so we'll have a chance to get out and hang out and scare the middle-america college kids by being real, live lesbians. usually the guys make the usual "can we watch" suggestions, but invariably every year we end up with a couple [admittedly drunk] conversations with some girls who are really not sure of their sexuality and who are mid-soul search about themselves who just want to know how it all works. 

happiest holidays everyone, no matter your color, preference, bent, or creed! 

[update: i was just about to hit "save" when my brother called. apparently his beau is not only ok with lesbians, but spent a little girl-on-girl time in college and shortly after. sadly, the resulting storytelling and quickie in the hallway has made them start to run rather late and they are driving with all safe haste like banshees.]

QOTD: (damn you sexysarah!) girls! anyone had experience with getting your nipples pierced? i've heard it takes months to heal before you can do anything with them, and so you probably want to do them one at a time. hints, experiences, horror stories? enquiring belle's want to know!

rereading my last several entries, and with the time that's gone by, i feel like this is a bit of a post; but i still have some people here who rock and i love, so i thought i'd just fill everyone in who might still be following me. 

forgive me father, but it's been 8 months since my last entry... confession is good for the soul and all, but my soul is quite at peace currently, so we'll get to the catching up of 8 months. 

my father has been adjusting to life as a widower, and doing fairly well at it thankfully. he's been starting to think about selling the house now that he's the only one in it, and i'm torn between understanding and the nostalgia i have for everything that happened there for most of my life. 

mom being gone is still a sad thing for all of us, but time heals all, and all that, and so does acceptance. he's been keeping busy though, and that helps him, and my brother or i have been visiting a little more often. he came out for this last Christmas though, and we had that here along with my brother and some close friends. 

"here" is not where it used to be either. 

Victoria and i are still in the same city, but we moved into a one-bedroom apartment together. being roommates for so long was wonderful, but it ain't got nuthin' on living together as a couple. and we're definitely a couple. 

though it was never officially discussed we slid very quickly and smoothly into a 24/7 sort of D/s dynamic. i think everything was said that needed to be the night of that first kiss 8 months ago. 

She isn't as "flashy" and public as my first Mistress was, but i think She's a stronger Domme for it. there is no social affectation of dominance, no sense of Her playing at it. not to say things weren't a little unsure at first. there was a lot of feeling out (and up...) in the beginning, but the awkwardness phase was nicely brief. i can still sense a little hesitance when we try something new, but She's the type of girl that adapts well on Her feet, and once She's sure of something She's Sure of it. 

i'm collared, though there was no official "collaring". 

for my birthday last September she bought me a bracelet with a little lock on it, and i didn't take it off for weeks. She asked me if i really loved it that much, and i told her, blushing all the time, that it made me feel Owned (notice the capitol O). i'm not sure She had quite realized how deeply, deeply submissive i could be, but She smiled and kissed me, and the next night she came home and had a somewhat matching anklet for me, that actually locked. 

since that night, save for things like bathing, i have never been without some small thing locked on my body given to me and put on me by Her. it gives me serious warm and fuzzies. and it's further evidence of how wonderful She is that She has managed to find things that are discreet, because little kids aren't, and as a teacher i've already had some troubles just for being lesbian. i'd rather not think of how some parents might freak if they found out their child's beloved teacher was a "sex slave". 

but i am! 

sex slave, cook, maid, secretary, lover, girlfriend, confidant, nurse, doll, companion... the list goes on and on, and i'm loving it all. 

i was raised to be a homemaker, and playing house suits me. i haven't had nearly the trouble i used to with keeping weight on, and i'm less "cheerful," and more genuinely "happy." it's strange for most in this "liberated" day and age, i think, to come to terms with someone being truly happy by coming home, cooking dinner, tidying up, and then meeting their significant other at the door with a drink, rubbing their shoulders while hearing about their day... it's very Donna Reed, but it suits me just fine. and every once in a while i'll do it while wearing something sexy, or nothing at all... ;-) 

of course my comfort with my role has begun to slip through into the vanilla world a bit more and more. careful as i am around kids, i'll slip in front of my friends fairly often. 

they're all in the know though, so it's not so big a deal, though it can get me strange looks sometimes. i accidentally referred to Victoria as "my Mistress" while talking with my brother the other day though, and i think it kind of broke him. he knew i was a bit kinky, but i don't think he knew to what degree, and i think the thoughts of his little sister in that manner were a higher squick factor than he was able to deal with without warning. 

She is seemlessly integrated into my life now though. Dad loves her, my brother loves her, even some of my less gay-friendly extended relatives have come around on the subject. i think that we're physically discreet helps, but i'm told anyone watching us can't mistake that we're giddy in love still. thankfully what they can't see is her toying with remote controls for toys, or hear what she whispers to me. 

incidentally i never really believed someone could be taught to cum on command. i do now. 

so that's your epilogue. 

i have lived happily ever after (or might if prop 8 is struck down). it's not all bliss, like all relationships there are ups and downs, but the nature of our dynamic, that She is my Mistress and i am Hers to help, hurt, or hug, removes a lot of the drama we might otherwise have. 

i'll still pop in here occasionally to converse, and i'm always up for new friends, but for those searching for their own pets, my leash is right here waiting for my Mistress to come home from work and grab it. hmmm, maybe that's how i'll greet Her this evening...

And then things got weird. 

They might be better, but they are definitely weird. This is going to require a little bit of history. 

When I moved to the Bay Area from the Mid-West I was 18, and pretty much alone. The plan was to go to school, but in the weirdness of getting everything figured out the first year didn't happen. Instead that was when I met my first Mistress. [That sounds like a really weird kid's toy...] Putting my world back together after she left at least got me focused in the right direction, and the next year I started college and began catching up. 

I also got REALLY lucky. 

While trying to figure out where to live, and bouncing around a bit I managed to get in on the ground floor of a 4br house rental, which if you can find it in the SF area is a great way to go. Now obviously 4 girls in a house is opportunity for drama, especially with lesbians (for guys who haven't been exposed to it before, there /IS/ no drama worse than lesbian drama, and I say that having been physically between two serious queens having a spat that turned physical), but we managed to really never have anything worse than occasional general roommate problems. 

The 4 we started out with were: 

Me... 

Jen - who was older than we were by a couple years, on the guy side of bi, and was the sports person of the house (and why i love my Oakland A's now). She graduated and moved out 2 years ago. 

Ami - Short for Amiko. She was sort of the party-girl of the group. Bi, not particularly monogamous, but not a slut or anything. You just never know when someone's going to come out of her room in the morning. 

Victoria... Victoria is the other "confirmed spinster" of the house, and is, for all intents and purposes, my adopted sister. Her childhood sucked in most all the ways mine didn't. Her parents, when they were around, were abusive on all levels. They also put more money into alcohol and drugs than they did into food, clothing, utilities, etc. Needless to say she also wasn't in the best of neighborhoods. And she's built about like i am, meaning she's never been physically threatening from a size standpoint. 

What Victoria was, though, was brilliant. She's truly one of the smartest people I've ever met. Not in a quoting Newtonian physics way, but in that she can see any situation, any problem, and break it down and fix it. 

I swear to God one night a couple of us ended up lost in a bad area with a flat tire and spare, and were found by 6 of the scariest guys i've ever seen. I don't mean in a "oh no, the scary black people are going to violate my poor white body" way, I mean that 2 of them were carrying bats, and a third had bloodstains on his pants. 

They saw us, started over towards us, and calm as a picnic she went over and met them half way while the other 3 of us were seriously worrying for our safety, virtue, and even necks. We stopped discreetly trying to dig out cell phones to call for help once the shouting started, but by the time we could get one and get 911 keyed it it was already over. They fixed our tire. Like a friend of theirs ran a garage a couple blocks away and they fixed our tire. 

To this day I don't know how she did it [other than we girls all chipped in on some booze and snacks while we were waiting], and she just shrugs if you ask her. Needless to say, I've had a crush on her since the day we met. I never acted on it, especially as time went by, but there have always been moments over the years where I've looked at her and wondered what might have been. She's kinky, dominant, strong, brilliant, hot... Even just writing all this I admit has gotten me a bit worked up. 

But, like I said, she's sort of family. If my family had met her before she was 18 they would have adopted her flat out. My parents decided she needed decent parents, and that was it, she was part of the family. She sort of resisted at first, but I think it only took about 3 visits before she just dove into it. After that she was back there with me almost every holiday. And she and I didn't know it until just a couple weeks ago, but my parents even have her written in to their wills. 

Anyway, she's really been part of my life for years now, and I love her completely. She hasn't been able to go back to deal with all of this stuff as much as I have, but she's been here for me when I've been home, which includes dealing with the wreck i've been since getting back again a few days ago. 

So last night it was decided by my friends that i needed a night out and away from my own head. i can safely say that they managed to do that. We drank, we danced, we argued about pointless things loudly for fun, we all hugged a lot, we got hit on... it was a good night. i was still a bit subdued, but i really felt better than i had in a long time, and i laughed more than i have in weeks. And in the end Ami, Victoria, myself, and our friend Von ended up back home with a bottle of wine, just talking quietly. 

I was curled up on the couch next to Victoria, and the other two were in chairs, and she was softly stroking my hair, and i might have even been purring, it just felt so nice at that point. And then i don't know if she gave them a signal or something, but suddenly the other two left and we were alone, and then started the most unexpected conversation i think i've ever had. 

She started talking about how proud she was of how i'd been coping, and helping at home, and organizing everything for all the friends and family who had been coming and going. I replied that i guess i made a pretty good secretary. I could hear her smiling when she said "and cook, and maid, and..." I think I just sort of giggled, I really didn't want to move at that point. 

Then she said "You're good at taking care of other people, aren't you?" I just smiled, and felt nice and warm. And then she said "I think it's time we take care of you for a bit." 

Her hand didn't stop moving through my hair, but I went still. "Oh?" I think was all I managed, and I'm pretty sure my voice cracked. Victoria has this sort of ominous chuckle. Usually I prefer to hear it aimed at other people, because when it's aimed at me it's usually followed by something I'm not going to like, such as ending up in a pool, or trying to breath past tickling, or stammering inanely in front of some girl i thought was cute. 

So i hear this throaty rumbling and open my eyes in time to watch her spin around and slide off the couch to kneel over me, her hand still in my hair. I don't know how she did it. And I know I don't know how she did it, because I remember my next thought being "how did she do that?" 

The chuckle was there, but any evil wasn't. i'd never seen her look at me that way before, but it makes me shudder just thinking about it now. She looked down at me, and very softly she said, "Annabelle... you're not to get out of bed until at least noon (it was 4-something am at the time). And you're going to eat at least three times tomorrow (I haven't been...)." I started to say something, but then that hand in my hair tightened, and I didn't say a thing. 

Then she leaned down and kissed me. 

It was so soft... 

When she lifted back up she said "Get ready for bed. Get lots of sleep, and eat. You won't be any fun for us if you don't start taking care of yourself." I nodded my head. She kissed me again. I felt her hands cupping my face. "We'll talk about this tomorrow night." I nodded my head again. She kissed me a third time, and then got up and went to her room. 

There was a tear on my cheek, and I don't think it was mine. 

So she had to be up kind of early to drive down to meet up with some friends and help with with a project, and is supposed to be back sometime late tonight. I fell asleep almost instantly, and didn't wake up until after 1. I had breakfast, a good lunch, and am going to start some dinner next. 

And I can still feel those three soft kisses, and they didn't feel sisterly, and I don't feel sisterly about them or wanting more of them. So it might be that a secret wish is coming true, and happening out of nowhere. Or maybe it was alcohol, or maybe she's just trying to make me feel better... 

But I don't think that's it. I really think maybe she's decided it's time. Or at least I hope so. A lot. So in the meantime things are a little weird. 

I'm not sure what to think, and Ami seems to know something but isn't saying anything. She's in on things to some level though, because she's been asking me today if I've been eating enough times. I might have some really sneaky friends, but if this is all going where I think it might be, then i'll forgive them anything. 

But I need to make dinner now, we know how i hate to disobey orders... 

I'm confused right now, and trepidatious; but i've been smiling all day, and feel better than i have in months.

Hey all, I'm still alive... Because of some family tragedy though, someone closest to me no longer is. I've been back home helping with funeral stuff, legal stuff, and just trying to help keep people from coming apart. OK, so they've been doing that a lot of that last part for me. The point is, though, that I'm still going to be gone for a while, and don't know how happy/perky/subby/sexy I'll be for a little while. I know I don't feel it now, save for the amazing amount of "Susie Homemaker" I've been playing, which was my mom's term for domestic household management... Anyway, thank you for those close to me here that have been happy and cheerful in their messages. I like happy and cheerful, and hate not being happy and cheerful, and damn it all will be happy and cheerful again soon i hope. ~hugs~

Addendum to earlier: I think i've figured it out. i actually had a huge realization today after talking with my supercuteadorablesmart friend sexysarah here and then going for a walk. i realized that i was (and am) very much in the headspace i was when i ended up with my first Mistress, and for pretty much the same reasons. It's so much easier to be somebody else's responsibility, not in that i'm passive, but in that i only have to worry about making Them happy, and not all the other stuff. So when life gets REALLY overwhelming i think that craving kicks in as a defense mechanism. Combined with that is that i'm really exhausted and a little numb, and i'm having trouble finding real emotional or sexual energy levels right now. But if i were to be forced into sexual acts, the intensity and the energy and the endorphins and everything would be way different, and i think i think that would blow past the wall of numb and distraught that i've been behind for the last month. So both my "higher and lower natures" are both craving their things, and those things combine to putting me back in a situation where i could end up losing my sense of self again in trade for the simplicity of being a pet/maid/toy/slave/little girl again, at the cost of everything i've accomplished over the last several years. But it's sooooo tempting. i think i understand junkies more now. So for now i'm going to specifically be avoiding parties, clubs, events, and bars where there's a danger i could meet anyone that would feed into this until i can get myself back under control. i have a note on my door to remind myself, and my roommates are going to watch out for me too; not that i don't have any willpower or anything, but i forget, and i'm exhausted, and hate to say no if people ask. But now i know. i know what happened when i was 18, and why, and why i'm feeling it again now, and now i can try to deal with that part of me on my terms. Thanks to EVERYONE who has sent me quick notes, it really has helped. i won't be able to get back to everyone (Ambien and at least 12 hours of sleep are in my immediate future), but it really has meant a lot to me. ~b~

Mortality, Masochism, and Me: or Why i've Been Absent Lately. {NOT a happy story, please feel free to go back and read my sillier stuff.} i'd felt bad that i'd been so busy as summer began. While my work schedule opened way up, other programs i help out with were starting, friends were graduating, and a lot of evenings were spent out partying and hanging out. Then about a month ago i got a call from my brother who got a call from a close family friend just moments before he got another call from the state highway patrol. The short version is that bridge construction, rain, darkness, and a large deer combined to create a multi-car wreck. And in the middle, and taking the worst of the damage on all sides, were my parents. my father shattered his leg and cracked several ribs along with rupturing his spleen, my mom broke both arms and cracked her skull, spending the first week in a coma. Mentally she's still barely there right now, and her brain is doing things like randomly forgetting to keep her lungs working. For the first two weeks my brother and i were there to visit, and help however we could. It was mostly answering questions and letting friends know what happened. He had to go back to work though, so it was just me for the last couple weeks, and more having to deal with people arriving, coordinating visits, and having to supply a shoulder to cry on. I've been sort of shoulderless myself though, and it has really all built up, which is where we get to the point of why i'm writing about this here and not just mentioning a family emergency and going on. It started with just wanting to be held, to be on a lap with loving arms crushing me against them while i could just cry and feel safe... Then at some point in the middle of one night my mind had a shift to yearning for the idea of being wrapped head to toe in tight bondage, snuggled in and warm and safe, or even tied into a tight little fetal ball. That was a couple weeks ago, and the emotional drainage and sleep deprivation have been percolating into even darker fantasies and desires. i'm not sure if "fantasy" is even the right word. i've been waking up or laying awake at night with the desire to be tied into a tight little package and fucked, even raped, maybe over and over again. It hasn't been sexual in nature either, i mean i haven't masturbated to the idea or anything (or to anything else for a month either). The best theory i can come up with right now is that i'm starting to crave sensations more overwhelming than the worried fear that has haunted me for weeks. At least when you're tied up and don't know what's going to happen you know you just have to accept it, perhaps, instead of waiting impotently to see if you can cope with looming tragedy. And i know what rape feels like, and the pain and violation are overwhelming, but in a way i know. i know that afterwards i'd recover in a way that i don't know how recovery is going to be for my mom and dad. So i guess at the moment i'm trying to figure out if my desires to be overpowered and extremely violated are healthy in their own weird way, or not. Are they damage from past experience, a desired outlet to release inner pressure, a logical proof of retaking self-control through experience, or maybe even some kind of self-flagellation? If i can spend a night being hurt/forced/choked/sodomized/spit upon and recover, doesn't that mean they can recover just fine, too? Or am i fiending for endorphins in the worst way just so i can feel something different? If there's a psychologist in the house, i'd REALLY love to hear your opinion... i admit being a little worried that i'm more broken from past experience than i thought. In the meantime, i'm REALLY sorry to all those who i haven't written to, and to the couple new people that sent me really interesting notes about things. i'm going to try to get to replies as i can, but i'm running on about 2 hours of sleep a night and spending most of the other 22 on the phone with the Midwest, burning through boxes of tissues, or drooling on myself numbly.

More somber thoughts today, dear readers. Last evening i found the profile of Miss Litlbitdifferent, a young, openly dominant (and beautiful) woman. What caught my lingering attention wasn't just that she's beautiful, or kinky, any any general thing like that; it was her writing. Her profile part is interesting enough, and mixed in with warnings against the trolls, confused men posing as women, etc, but what really caught my attention was her journal. Her point of view is definitely from that of a domme, which of course interests me because i like to know what a woman might be thinking who has me dangerously immobile and compromised. But what i really love is her discussion on the "rest of the time". The parts that aren't just sex, but are about dynamics, and psychology, and our personal needs or desires. One of her posts was on the nature of humiliation, and it got my little brain spinning. Like hamsters-in-overdrive spinning. For instance, i love humiliation. More specifically i love sexual or psychosexual humiliation. Or at least humiliation within a BDSM context. Which i think is a little weird. Not weird that i like it, but weird in that if you were to strip me naked and push me out my front door i'd probably just be humiliated in a miserable way, but if you did the same at a party with other kinky people i wouldn't. i guess it all comes down to context. And that in itself isn't that surprising. i give myself to someone's control willingly, so there's an implied consent to every event that happens afterwards. i'm not saying "yes, i want to be stripped naked then shoved out into a room of people," but i have said "yes, i want to be humiliated in any way You want me to be." OK, by now a lot of you are like "belle, this is normal, and just part of how we can gain more freedom by pretending it's someone else's decision, etc, etc, etc." i know. This was just the setup to my real question. The opposite of consent, of course, is rape. And let me tell you, there are different kinds of rape. And i'm just talking about men raping women right now. There is the "easier" kind, where he just wants to fuck you. For whatever reason he's just stupidly, dangerously horny and has to get some, and he doesn't care where or how. I guess it's a sort of "rape of convenience". Say... you're drunk at a bar, and end up talking to some guy outside who is also pretty trashed. He starts getting grabby, but in a soft sort of way, you tell him no, but he doesn't really seem to hear you (or want to), and you end up crying silent tears, his hand covering the noise from your mouth as he slides in and out of you from behind up against a cold wall. Not violent, not public, not particularly angry. Ladies, if you are going to get raped, i'd say this is one of the more preferable ways to have it happen. He's muttering words of fake love, and it's easier to believe that you probably gave him encouragement accidentally that started him off. And no, none of it is fucking true, but when you're curled up in a corner later trying to rationalize things you can at least say he was sweet about it. Because there's the opposite kind of rape too. The kind that is planned ahead of time, that is done for cold, rational reasons. The kind where the woman is toyed with, beaten, and taken turns with. The kind where she is humiliated and made to humiliate herself even more in the hope that if she does it will end, or they'll get bored, or they just wont hit you as hard. And later on when you're curled up in a dark corner, or at night in the hospital, you can't rationalize it. You try, but there's no honest way to do it. i'm not bringing this up for sympathy, i'm bringing this up because it's directly related to that idea of consensual humiliation. Sometimes the only difference between sexually predatory acts and really kinky and rough sex is that at some point you said "yes" to one, and "no" to the other. And now i'm getting to my point in all this. i have some bad habits. They are sweet habits, and come from a good place, but they are dangerous. foremost is that i trust people. i tend to take kindness at face value, and have trouble seeing less pure motives beneath somebody's actions. And because of this i'm often not as suspicious or as careful as i should be. i also hate to disappoint people, or upset them, and so i'll let a situation go a little to far to try and spare someone when it would be better if i said something earlier, or left earlier, or just said i wasn't interested instead of trying to just hint. Passive might be a good word. So i'm naive, and confrontationally passive, and over time i've gotten better about both. At least a little bit. But i also love good humiliation. The freedom of laying splayed out on the ground, tied open and vulnerable, sweating and writhing and dripping while begging, pleading, sobbing to be fucked, to be hurt, to cum and cum and cum and cum and cum... Well i've just spent several paragraphs talking about ways i've been raped, but the above thought still starts me stirring in my pants and tightening under my shirt. What i've started to really wonder about now though is how those things might be more connected than i've thought. No, i don't believe in the "she was asking for it" BS. But what if my sexual desire for humiliation is tied to something deeper in my personality. My masochism, naivety... seeming inability to learn from them... It's like my brain wants me to be able to end up in a completely compromised position. i'm not saying i want to be nonconsensually hurt, or raped, or anything like that. i'm saying i'm wondering what biological or personal imperative seems to want me in situations i can't control. i'm not asking for "it", but what might i really be asking for? Mr. Twisteddom and i were discussing female submission in Japanese culture yesterday and his thought is it might be a form of evolutionary selection at work, which i didn't believe. Now i'm having to sort of wonder if he's right and if i'm wired that way. And if so, what is the benefit to the species? i have no answers right now; like i said, it's just been on my mind since last night, and i'm still chewing on all of it...

Today you get a somewhat somber topic, so feel free to skip back down and read the story of the blindfold and the dark room instead. It's going to be way more stimulating than the following.


i live with 2 other roommates who i met shortly after starting college, and we've all lived together in places since. The conversation came up last night, as it does every so often, about our various pasts, and the bad things that went with them. As part of this last discussion though we were comparing them to what we like in sex, and trying to figure out exactly how much of that might be cause and effect.

For instance "V" is from the South-Eastern corner of the country (but not the deep South), and was sexually molested by her father with her mother's knowledge and sometimes help. Her older and younger brothers would sometimes corner her too, and while V is a pretty strong girl... sometimes we get in places where we just can't fight anymore... She ran away at 16, managed to make it across to the West Coast, and has never looked back. Actualy, my family has adopted her for all holidays and special events and occasions, so she at least has real family now =) But now with sex, and with most other things in her life, she has become a very dominant, controlling force. Not to the point of it being annoying, she's just very take-charge. Very almost masculine in ways, and she is most decidely homosexual.

So for her it seems like she has sort of become what it was she was subjected to...

[Incidentally, for those curious, last we heard her dad and brothers were all three in prison, and her mother had been court-ordered into a rehab facility]

Then there is "A". A is second generation Japanese-American, and is the only one of us that "likes the cock". Sort of fitting, her mix of very different worlds has made her a mixed sort of person. She's bi, animatedly spritely, not as good at math as stereotypes of her heritage would suggest, but amazingly able to constrict a bright sunshiney personality into this meek, quiet mask in a heartbeat. Because while she's an all-american girl, her grandparents parents served the Emperor in Japan, and are very traditional and strict.

Her problem comes from that subservient mode. In her teens she would be visiting her grandparents while other extended family, some from overseas, were visiting. So she would get stuck in this quiet, meek role, and then not be able to get out of it, even when some much older cousin would get her alone. She couldn't fight him, she couldn't scream, the scary part is she couldn't even try. She could just lay there and let them finish, or robotically bob her head. It took her days after leaving to get back to normal.

Sexually now, she's still a fireball. She really loves sex, not to a nympho degree, but just because she thinks it's really really fun. And she'll do almost anything, but while i know she's taken spankings in the past, she refuses to add any D/s into it. She's scared to fall back into that old childhood habit. So I guess she has adapted by avoiding the circumstances so that it doesn't happen again.


my family has always been wonderful. Even when i came out publicly, the first person ever to do so at my school, they stood up for me. And some of the people in town did not take it well.

It was in fact the other people around us that were the problem. The first time was 1 guy while 2 friends of his held me down. The second time 4 different boys took turns holding me or taking their turn. Thankfully the third time ended up only being an attempt, the beating part put me in the hospital, but my friends found me before they had actually... started.

Now where we get away from my venting shitty experiences and bac to sex is that i'm not sure if it's weird or not i really like bdsm and rough sex. And with the right girl, play rape. I was gay before any of this happened, so that hasn't been affected, and i already had submissive tendencies. But during the attacks i was never submissive (which is why they had to beat the hell out of me to get me to stop trying to gouge out their eyes).

So i guess maybe for me it had always been about comfort levels with someone, but now those comfort levels are harder to find, or disappear as random fears resurface. Maybe rape hasn't actualy significantly affected my sex-life, keeping its damage to my societal views and hopes. i'm still trying to figure that out, especially as i start re-exploring my own darker sexual nature. Maybe someone reading this will have an insight.

Incidentally there was a 3rd time. It was just after i had already moved. i learned a painful lesson about going to bars alone. my drink wasn't spiked, but i let myself get into a position where i was alone in the dark with a drunk, horny asshole.


i'm still too trusting, even now, but i'm working on it.

Since i'm laying in bed sick, i thought i would catch up on a few messages, and once again i had a really good question the was asked that turned into a huge story and explaination, so i thought i would once again add it to my journal, or as i'm starting to think of it, my "little diary o' kinkdom."

This question came from Miss MindysDominion whom i have been chatting with back and forth for a couple days. She asked "... why is it so important for you to understand why you are the way you are instead of embracing the gift that you hold for another as you are?"

My short answer is "past experience."

The full answer is as follows...


my problem with just running with it is that the first time i did it was more than a little unhealthy. i had just moved across the country, just turned 19, left home for the first time, had no friends, went from an area population of under 10,000 people to several million, and (as most of us do at that age) i was having huge identity and self esteem issues.

And then i met this older woman who was confident and beautiful who then "showed me the ropes," literally in this case. i fell in love with her very hard, she began inducting me into kink, and within only a few weeks i was quickly in deep. i stayed at her place, kept it clean, always slept bound in some fashion (often at the foot of her bed or the floor), served her as toy, lover, or furniture as she desired, was sent to do the same for her friends, and often didn't breath fresh air for days at a time from being inside so much. Whenever i was introduced to anyone inside her group i was always introduced as her pet, or her slave, or her toy, etc. When it was outside kink, often in lesbian circles, i was always referred to as her girl.

As nice as that sounds from a fantasy standpoint - and as happy as i was about it at the time - i was doing it very much for the wrong reasons. i felt i had no identity, so i took the one she gave me, then began to believe that without that i had nothing. i was head over heels for her, and she was fond of me. i was this shy, quiet girl from a small town who was eager to please, she was sophisticated and worldly.

i believed in her blindly, which is why i didn't see some of her faults. She was, i know now, more than a little selfish, callous, and manipulative. i know she was fond of me, but it was just that, a fondness, like you'd have for a neighborhood pet.

Fast-forward to about 9 months into the "relationship":

i know now that the timing wasn't /entirely/ her fault. She was being transfered to her company's office in New York, and had about a month to "get her affairs in order" before moving. She had planned on waiting a couple weeks before saying anything, just in case the whole move fell through; instead it did the exact opposite and was pushed was forward. She barely had time to even get her stuff packed before having to be out there. And, with her new position her lifestyle had to be kept more clandestine, which meant no teenage slave girls.

i know this all now, but that's not what i knew back then. i was at her apartment, cleaning the kitchen in a collar and nothing else, when the movers knocked on the door. Less than 48 hours later she was gone.

Thankfully i still had my little hole-in-the-wall studio apartment, though i had barely been there for months, so at least i wasn't homeless. Everything else i had though: identity, purpose, love - were all suddenly gone.

Needless to say, the next several months were awful. They were the worst i've had in my life, and probably ever will, and that is winning out over some other very traumatic moments.

Fall rolled around finally, and i started up college. i started making some new friends, and started going to therapy. i moved into a house with a few other girls who have turned out to be some of the best friends i've ever had in my life, and we're still all sharing a place 5 years later (a bigger one, thankfully...) i figured out who i was, and who i wanted to be, and i learned to fight back against people who wanted to take any of that away from me. i've had some wonderful loves, and some heartbreaks, and know that i can take the good parts away from them and leave the rest behind. i've grown from an awkward girl into a confident woman.

So that brings us to now, where some of my early "experiences" have begun to pull at me again. my fantasies have been getting more and more rough and physical, my dreams have found me stretched out by chains. Despite all that has happened to me i remain a very sex-positive person, but these desires coming back scare me.

i've learned from my mistakes, tried to dissect them to see where things went wrong, what i could have done differently, and that has helped put many of them to rest. But i still carry a personal alarm, and always have some sort of sharp point available in my purse, always go out with a friend, and don't take pubic transit late at night, because i don't want to encourage anything to happen again.

Which leads us to the matter at hand, my perverse proclivities. i'm having to come to terms with the fact that they are still there, but i still have to overcome what happened before. i know i'm not the lost girl anymore, but i don't know how much of my strength, identity, and self i would lose again if i were to give myself to someone like that again. Maybe i'll only end up wanting a relationship with some kink in it, but maybe i'll want something 24/7 again. And now i've got to balance a job, a wonderfully full social life, and student loans.

So that is why i need to understand first. i'm irrationally afraid, but i have had to learn to fight irrational fears, and this too can be overcome.