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OK its 2/11/14 and i have now been with the one my heart says is my true Owner but can my heart lie try to fool me in to thinking i truly matter or do i let my walls down and try to do what i know as a good sub/slave should do i want to run and hide because seems all i find is wanna be fakes and people to hurt me which is worse the pain from not trying or the pain from the heartache the failure the disappointment would it not be best to walk away before either gets hurt just close my heart up and live the rest of my days as a unowned girl who means nothing to no one i have spent all my life looking for him and now i have found him im scared so many have told me im the sub they desire or need or want to just be a distraction from one they truly want i don't wanna be a distraction i want to be the one who makes him feel special the one that when i kneel at his feet he knows the one that understands the worst punishment for me is the look in his eyes that i have disappointed him i try to change my views on myself forget the past but it seems to follow me reminding me how worthless i am all ways from birth have been i have lost the will as the sub i am to keep trying to keep wanting to please any one even less myself i keep trying to find a reason to try a reason to care i thought i had found that and then i realize im dreaming that some one could want me or even think i could make a good person but one day at a time i will start to love myself again with or with out a Owner for to be loved i must love myself i have been told so im going to do my best in loving myself
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