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certain rituals, like hair and makeup, serve to comfort me when my world is in upheaval. these are not rituals i began for myself... i am content to linger in unhappiness and depression if left to my own devices. i have attempted to use others as motivation in the past... but the slightest dynamic shift is all that it takes to destroy the motivational technique. i cannot be in charge or in control, otherwise i simply expect the other half to take what i dish out. if you don't like that i live in sweats and top knots, get the fuck over it.
with an Owner... i am required by my own standards to take better care of myself. i am not my own, i cannot allow something of someone else's to break down or 'gather dust' so to speak. i cannot get so overweight that i even feel unattractive, because when my self-esteem falls i cannot serve Him as well. despite the fact that a part of me would like to curl up in bed and simply wallow in memories... i have His expectations. even when its something as dull as dishes or laundry, this gentle reminder that i am not alone and not completely in control is soothing.
slowly but surely, it is becoming acceptable to let go of independence... emotionally, sexually, and mentally.
i am grateful that i have found my other Half - without this piece of me to help me on my journey, i fear i would never truly know my Self at all. |
