jenja

">Savin' me

Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you

Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you

Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be

And say it for me, say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me

Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you

These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you

Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be

And say it for me, say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me

Hurry I'm fallin'

All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh, I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be

And say it for me, say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me

Hurry I'm fallin'

And say it for me, say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me

Nickelback

Where have you gone?

Another night of lying here wide awake, my mind turning things over constantly. Tonight i find myself wondering what happened to what i was told were the foundations and most important building blocks for the BDSM community and a BDSM based relationship.

HONOUR, INTEGRITY, LOYALTY AND TRUST

More and more i am sadly discovering that these (along with many other things) are being forgotten, or cast aside for other less appealing traits.

Yes, i know that this is happening everywhere, in all walks of life, but, i cannot help wondering how people can (and do) expect others to trust them with some of the things we do when they become so nonchalent and blasé about the feelings, thoughts, beliefs and consequences of others.

There are so many labels within the BDSM community now, but at the end of the day, that is all they are, labels (or pigeon holes). Yes, we are all guilty of slotting ourselves into one category or another, but more often than not we do it without truly understanding fully what it is we are claiming to be. We simply do it because we want to 'fit'.

i believe, that we have have cheapened ourselves in many ways by conforming to the norms of everyday society yet again. It may only be subtle, but it is there.

When i discovered this 'brave new world' of BDSM, i was blown away by the comradery and nonjudgmental mindsets i found everywhere i turned. i know that it is still out there, but where?

Have we (in general) become shallow, selfish, self-centred, greed driven individuals just like the rest of the world?

i don't know about anyone else, but i know that part of the allurement of BDSM was that we didn't want to be like the rest of the world, that we didn't want to conform, that we liked the challenges put before us because they made us feel alive, set us apart from all the rest and could be who or what we wanted to be without being laughed at or having judgement passed on us. The challenges we face are what pump us full of adrenalin and remind us that we are different. No, it isn't necessarily easy, and nor should it be, if it was, everyone would be doing it, and then it would be boring.

Where has the passion gone?

Truth, honour and trust..
 
                        ..so much more important than monogamy

I felt as if I were falling; I was being opened by my own confessions as surely as the phalluses had opened me.
"But maybe that's not the whole truth," I said, looking at him intently. "Even if I had not been run barefoot through the village, I might have liked the pony harnesses anyway. And maybe, despite all the pain and the misery of it, I liked the barefoot run through the village because you were driving me and you were watching me. I felt sorry for the slaves I saw whom no one seemed to watch."
"In the village someone is always watching," he said. "If I strap you to a wall outside, and I will, there will be those who will notice you. The village toughs will come round to torment you again, grateful for an unattended slave they can torture for nothing. They'd whip you raw in less than half an hour. Someone always sees, comes to punish. And as you said, they have their shabby charm. For a well-tuned slave, the crudest cleaning woman or chimney sweep can have an overwhelming charm if the discipline is engulfing."
"Engulfing." I repeated the word. It was perfect.
My vision had blurred. I started to raise my hand again but put it down.
"So you needed it," he said. "You needed to be well harnessed and bitted and shod and driven hard."
I nodded. My throat was so thick I couldn't speak.
"And you wanted to please me," he said. "But why?"
"I don't know!"
"You do know!"
"Because . . . you're my Master. You own me. You are my only hope."
"Hope for what? To be punished all the more?"
"I don't know."
"You do know!"
"My only hope for a deep love, a loss of myself to someone, not merely a loss amid all that strives to break me down and remake me. But a loss to someone who is sublimely cruel, sublimely good at mastering. Someone who might somehow, in the blaze of my suffering, see the depth of submission and love me also." It was too much of an admission. I stopped, crushed, certain I couldn't continue.
But I did go on, slowly.
"I could have loved many Masters or Mistresses perhaps. But you have an eerie beauty that debilitates me and absorbs me. You illuminate the punishments. I don't . . . I don't understand it."
"What did you feel when you realized you were in line for the Public Turntable," he asked, "when you implored me with all those kisses to my boots and the crowd laughed at you?"
The words stung. Again, it was to real for memory. I swallowed hard.
"I felt panic. I cried, to be punished so soon like that, after trying so hard. Not as a spectacle, I thought, for a crowd of common people, and such a crowd, all reprimanded me for begging, I was . . . ashamed that I had ever thought I could escape it. I remembered that it wasn't necessary for me to have earned the punishment. I deserved it by being here, and being what I was. I was filled with remorse that I had pleaded with you. I will never do it again, I swear it."
"And then?" he asked. "When you were taken up and mounted without fetters? Did you learn from it?"
"Yes, enormously." I gave another low, harsh laugh. Hardly more than a single syllable. "It was devastating! First there was that fear of losing control when you told the guard, 'No fetters.' "
"But why? What would have happened if you had struggled?"
"I would have been bound down, I knew it. Tonight I saw a slave bound like that. Last night I simply assumed it would happen. I would have resisted with my whole body, bridling the way the Prince was tonight, bucking, the terror crashing against me and washing away from me."
I stopped. Engulfing yes, it had become engulfing.
"But I held still," I said, "and when I realized I wouldn't slip or slide under the blows, all the tension was released. I knew this remarkable exhilaration. I was being offered up to the crowd and I submitted to it. I collected all the crowd's frenzy to myself, and the crowd enlarged my punishment as they enjoyed it, and I belonged to the crowd, to hundreds and hundreds of Masters and Mistresses. I yielded to their lust. I held back nothing, resisted nothing."
I stopped. He nodded slowly, but he didn't speak. The heat pounding silently in my temples. I sipped the wine, thinking of my own words.
"It was the same in a smaller way," I said, "when the Captain thrashed me. He was punishing me for having failed after his training. But he was also testing me to see if I was telling the truth about Stefan, if it was mastering I needed. He was calling my bluff, saying, in effect, 'I'll give it to you and we'll see if you can endure it.' And I offered myself to his lash, or at least it seemed so. I never thought, not even in the camp when the soldiers punished me, or at the castle when the Lords and Ladies looked on, that I could, in a hot noonday village square, full of passersby, dance for a soldier's thrash like that. The soldiers trained my cock. They trained me. But they never got that from me. And though I am terrified of what lies ahead, terrified even of the pony harnesses, I feel myself opening to all punishments instead of triumphing over them with sublime form as I did at the castle. I am being turned inside out. I am becoming my punishments."
Beauty's Punishment - Anne Rice, writing as A.N. Roquelaure pages 170-173

If we live by ours fears, do we truly live at all?

Bind my ankles with your white cotton rope so I cannot walk.
Bind my wrists so I cannot push you away.
Place me on the bed and wrap your rope tighter around my skin so it grips my flesh.
Now I know that struggle is useless, that I must lie here and submit to your mouth and tongue and teeth, your hands and words and whims.
I exist only as your object.
Exposed.

Oubliet

Internal prison, so cold, so dark
Echoing every thought in my mind
No where to run, no where to hide
No sanctuary

A glimmer of light breaks through
Blinding, warm, inviting
Bathing in it's glory, i smile
i breathe

Blinding light floods the once frightening prison
Lifting me upwards, outwards
Holding, comforting, capturing, mesmerising, Hypnotising
Free at last

Falling, failing, crying for help
Knowing what lies beneath
Waiting for the thud
Consumed by fear once more

Grappling, grasping for something, anything
Panting, whimpering, pleading
Light fading, coldness taking hold
i close my eyes and pray

"Trust the rope"
nothing else matters...

What i need: to be true to who i am, to live my life serving and pleasing. The only way i can do this is to be owned, led, molded, shown, trained.

We only stop learning the when we die...

That's it!! Persistence is the key!!

"In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins - not through strength, but through persistence." Anonymous

Why is it so hard to bury the past?

"To overcome an obstacle it takes time, faith, courage and lots of love. All those things are what make up trust. Without it you have nothing. With it you have it all and you can fly, together."

i wonder... if a tree came crashing down in the most secluded part of a forest... would anyone hear it?

"There were always in me, two women at least, one woman desperate and bewildered, who felt she was drowning and another who would leap into a scene, as upon a stage, conceal her true emotions because they were weaknesses, helplessness, despair, and present to the world only a smile,
an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest."  Anais Nin

Understanding, what is it exactly? Is it a selfish need or is it something deeper? Do we seek to understand simply to help ourselves or to help those that we love?

"Courage does not always roar, sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'i will try again tomorrow"