inHisname


	InHisChain		inHISservi		inhiscare

		Back		KPM		Interests



	she is owned, real time, she serves him from afar. she needs a place to journal her deepest feeling, her most private thoughts, her darkest desires. Some of her dreams are just that, just dreams. she will leave it to her Owner of course on what direction T/they move. her owner reads her collarme profile and mail, He knows her every move and thought. As it should be... she is His. in His name.

Then..... As my mind was getting my heart where it needed to go....He said hello. As always this girls heart melted. It will go no place as usual, small talk , one subject only. Still, that would be enough for her. she has a full life without Him, He is and has always been the icing.....she adores Him ... still

she heard this song on The Voice a few weeks ago, Christiana A sang it and I cried. I listened to it a million times and cried each time. It was like they wrote it for my heart.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

I'll be the one, if you want me to.

Anywhere, I would've followed you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.

It was over my head

I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.

I'm still learning to love

Just starting to crawl.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.

Anywhere, I would've followed you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.

You're the one that I love

And I'm saying goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.

And anywhere, I would have followed you.

Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something...

Empty spaces fill me up with holes Distant faces with no place left to go Without you within me I can't find no rest Where I?m going is anybody?s guess I tried to go on like I never knew you I?m awake but my world is half asleep I pray for this heart to be unbroken But without you all I?m going to be is incomplete Voices tell me I should carry on But I am swimming in an ocean all alone Baby, my baby It?s written on your face You still wonder if we made a big mistake I'd try to go on like I never knew you I?m awake but my world is half asleep I pray for this heart to be unbroken But without you all I?m going to be is incomplete I don?t mean to drag it on, but I can?t seem to let you go I don?t wanna make you face this world alone I wanna let you go (alone) I'd try to go on like I never knew you I?m awake but my world is half asleep I pray for this heart to be unbroken But without you all I?m going to be is incomplete Incomplete Sooooo now The Back Street Boys song can make me cry.... Gesh..... Get it together girl

And still....... she misses Him. After all is said and done, she misses Him. Nothing has changed, He could still never talk to me again and be fine with that I'm sure. Still..... she misses Him.

The times they are a changing ....

One step forward two steps back..... The empty overwhelms me sometimes. I need to fill that with something.....new life new directions.... But I miss Him, every day, all the time, who am I kidding.......I need Him....

she left her husband for a new life one where she could breath. she thought she would be able to see Him freely when He would be in the States. Now, she really is alone. At least she had His guidence, if nothing else. Nothing is nothing is nothing. Having a hard time with this.

So how does one break a ten year habit? she thought of Him every morning before her head raised from the pillow, she thought of Him the last thought of her day. Moving forward. Not wanting to but making herself. she has been enough of a fool. she is strong, she can do this. One little step at a time. When He pops into her mind she will stop and say NO, no more thoughts like that. Retrain. Retrain. Retrain.

Nothing is nothing is nothing..... she held on to nothing and can't believe she was so loyal. Never again, she will never ever give so much if her soul to anyone. she doesn't even know how to get or back.

she is really sad. she does not want this. How unfair not to talk with her about this. she expected so much more from Him. Just... sad.

she shaved. she guesses its over. Time to let go. What really bums her the most is that HE promised her all those years ago that when it was over he would say it. Guess the balls are not as big as she thought. she never ever thought she would say ok, she gets it Your done, You had enough, You dont want to have her anymore. But, silence is golden. It speaks volumes. Wow, she cant believe He is just as weak as any man she ever met before, she put Him so far up on a pedistal and to see and feel it crumbling is just so odd.

So, the reality, if one choses to live in it, of the weekend together after eight years is this, or maybe she should say, her reality is this. she had not had sex in eight years waiting to be with Him again, why would she want it with anyone else, He was the best, made her feel the most in her whole life. her choice to wait. So, her is her big weekend, finally here, she picks Him up at the airport and is so happy, so excited, so nervous that her hands are actually shaking, she means, SHAKING. W/we laugh at that and chit chat. We have salads at Newks, she cant eat shes to nervous but we are doing this His way and so we stop to eat. (she would have rathered gone right to the hotel, had a glass or two of wine, sat and talked there with cheese and crackers but this weekend was His) We get back to the hotel, small talk, deep kiss, rip off cloths and fuck. It hurts. Just like when she was 18 doing it for the first time. her pussy is sore right away. Is this going to be vanilla or lifestyle? He told her a list of lifestyle things to bring, she brought everything he asked for. He never brought lifestyle into the weekend and she will never understand why. There was never a vanilla time with U/us. Why now?

He never had a problem cumming in her, this time, he did not cum in her, he came, just not in her. why? she doesnt know. He lets her nap the day away, she did not sleep at all the night before, she had taken her ADD med to late in the afternoon and she was up for the night. If she were HIM she would have punished her for that, for messing that up. BUT then again He did get a lot of work done, four contracts finished by her napping. Sat night, nothing, no play, no looking at the list she brought, vanilla all the way. Why did He chose that? she needed the normal connection that W/we had. Instead he asked the same questions, the same ones she could not give him the right answers to. her pussy hurt so bad from the fucking and fingers in her, but she still wanted more. Looking back she only felt connected once that weekend. He was fucking her and he said "you are Mine, you belong to Me". But when she called Him Master later, it seemed like He didnt believer or want that. Sunday, Panara Bread, He talks at her, all she hears is Him putting her down, she's stupid, that is all she hears, He says at one point, "Im not trying to put you down" hummm didnt feel that way. They go back to the hotel, she packs, He walkes her to the car, she looks at Him and says lets not make it anohter eight years, ok. There was nothing in His blue eyes looking back at her. There was nothing in those eyes looking at her all weekend.

Her reality has been known to be wrong, but she does not believe that to be true this time. So, here she is, alone, a sub without her Master of ten years, of who she thought of as her Master for ten years. Besides being mad, she feels just numb.

Thanks for being honest.......its the only thing she ever wanted from You.

When does one give up? When does one say enough is just enough? she wishes she knew.

she waited for a week for a word from Him. the minutes, the hours, the days take there toil on her. physical punishment never unnerves her more then this silence does. she knows He is busy with work, she understands that His world does not revolve around her, like her world does with Him. she thinks stupid stupid girl just let it go. she of course cannot. By the time she finally receives an email from Him she is down in the dumps. BUT that one email with two words "good girl" brings her back to life. Why? Why is that so? Why can no one answer that question for her? she listens to Him and this time around obeys Him. His words are in her head and she is changing her life as He suggest. she is His. still.

she is with Him, in person. His presence is always amazing to this girl....He asks questions of her, good thoughtful questions and her words, her thoughts leave her. In the middle of the night while He slept she had the answers... Good, real, thought out answers. And why when His blue eyes open and He looks at her does she become MUSH???? What must He think??? she does have a mind, she only wants to serve Him in anyway He teaches her to do so, she wishes the words found a way out of this girls mouth. He has been working this morning, she is content to just be in the same room with Him. she watches Him from time to time and her heart skips a beat, she wants to go sit on the floor next to Him. This morning when He drew her close to Him in bed she could not get close enough. she just drowns in His touch even when it's not sexual at the time...... she just drowns..... she longs for him now, watching Him work all morning, being so close, being quiet, this cunt He owns is screaming for His touch...again and again.....

she sits here alone tonight. Quiet house. she has been watching some bdsm porn and she is hot for His touch, lucky for her she will feel it again soon!

her mind is very active today after her hour with Him on Skype.... she rambles.... It's going to that place in her head where she can accept the pain, knowing she is going there so she can please Him and give Him what he wants from her that excites her so much. It's not pain that excites her, it's the reason for the pain, His desire to inflict it, to watch her take it, beg for it, that's what turns this girl into hot desire. When she thinks of Him placing needle bra cups onto her breast she is not thinking oh good here comes pain, she is letting herself go into it and accept it to please Him. As long as she can please Him, she is fulfilled, as long as she knows in her heart that He loves her enough to take everthing from her in an instant and give it all back making her more whole each time, well, it kinda blows her mind. she does not want to be His equal, she could not be. she use to push Him, to prove to her that He was her One and Only, that He was strong enough for real....she no longer needs to push Him, she understands He has always been the Man He professed to be. Eight long years she has thought and studied and grown into the girl, the woman, that wants nothing more then to to follow His lead..... Wherever the journey takes U/us.....

His call today made this year end on a perfect note for her. she is excited to see how this relationship will grow in 2012. she is ready. she read this from a journal today and could not have said it any better. He ask what she wants, this sums it up. " I?desire to find a happy, romantic, caring, lasting M/s relationship that is at the same time full to the maximum of all the lifestyle dreams that the Master and I can enact so that I can please him fully.? And so that I can fulfill this inherited need to be subjugated, to serve, to suffer, and to submit to a loving yet strict Master.?" Sounds pretty perfect. she knows romance is this lifestyle. she knows the dream, the reality, blended like only a Master can do, is what she lives for.

A thousand years.... She has loved You for a thousand years she will love You for a thousand more..... One step closer....

she is once again dreaming of the day He will have His way with her. He says January. she prays so. There is much to talk about, much to prove, to give. her heart stays open for Him. she prays He will decide to continue with this slave he left behind. So much running through her head....

"It is our FREEDOM that enslaves us, and it is our SLAVERY that sets us free!". she just read this journal post, the whole post was excellent and made her feel less alone. This is, after all, the life she chose. Good or upsetting she let Him in, she gave herself to Him, for real.

she wonders what difference it would have made if she would have spent the month with Him in Memphs all those years ago. Really, how would it have changed where T/they are now? she does not believe it would have. she would have fallen deeper and He would have still left, she would be right here, waiting. He seems to think it would have changed things. she would really like to know how. In all the years she has know Him, He and His views have remained steadfast. He does what He says He will except when it comes to her and then, well then, yeah, what then... she believes she is stupid.

she is very sad tonight... Need she say more?

Last night she went to bed with Him on her mind, as usual. Every now and then she has very vivid dreams. she feels so lucky when that happens. Last night was one of those nights. It was 10 pm here, so she guesses 4 am there, maybe those vivid dreams are when He is sleeping also, maybe His soul is out playing with mine? Whatever it is, she loves when it happens!!

The Turkey is in the oven! The family will arrive at 9:30. Thanksgiving dinner at 11:00! The only thing missing is Him!

This is the song running in her head this morning... Everything is always about Him.... I can be tough, I can be strong But with you, it's not like that at all There's a girl that gives a shit Behind this wall, you just walk through it And I remember all those crazy things you said You left them running though my head You're always there, you're everywhere But right now I wish you were here All those crazy things we did Didn't think about it, just went with it You're always there, you're everywhere But right now I wish you were here Damn, damn, damn What I'd do to have you here, here, here I wish you were here Damn, damn, damn What I'd do to have you near, near, near I wish you were here I love the way you are It's who I am, don't have to try hard We always say, say it like it is And the truth is that I really miss All those crazy things you said You left them running though my head You're always there, you're everywhere But right now I wish you were here All those crazy things we did Didn't think about it, just went with it You're always there, you're everywhere But right now I wish you were here Damn, damn, damn What I'd do to have you here, here, here I wish you were here Damn, damn, damn What I'd do to have you near, near, near I wish you were here No, I don't wanna let go, I just wanna let you know That I never wanna let go, let go, oh, oh No, I don't wanna let go, I just wanna let you know That I never wanna let go, let go, let go, let go Let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go Let go, let go, let go Damn, damn, damn What I'd do to have you here, here, here I wish you were here Damn, damn, damn What I'd do to have you near, near, near I wish you were here Damn, damn, damn What I'd do to have you here, here, here I wish you were here Damn, damn, damn What I'd do to have you near, near, near I wish you were here

she is here for Him, the one that owns her. What business would it be of anyone asking her about Him or putting her down for not saying His name? Are you kidding? she is here for two reasons. To be honest with Him about feelings and her dreams, to talk with friends old and new. Go away if you can't say hello and be nice.

The whicked things she dreams of shock her sometime... His hands... The things they do to her just because He wants to... Suffering for Him makes all the sence in the world to her. Adoring Him does too.

she was so upset last night that she undid the one thing He asked her to do. she couldn't take it any longer, it was the only way she could scream without screaming... so, does that make her a bratt or not submissive. she does not believe so but she will have to wait for the verdic from Him. And what she undid she will start again with today.

she really feels hurt today. Being put on the back burner again. she tries to remember that He will call, text on His terms, but you know what that just feels like bull today.

she woke this morning thinking of how this all started 10 years ago. Can it really be that long? W/e met online and chatted for months, online and on the phone. By the time they actually met she knew she was His. After W/we made love He said He wanted to spoil her so she would want no other, funny how that worked out. Distance is hard on a sub, yet, she has wanted no other. It has now been eight years since she has had a man inside of her. she waits. Could she find another, yes, yes she could have one tomorrow but He still has her soul. she knows the two years He tried to train her were hard on Him she was a bratt, she tested Him every time she could. He was always as she hoped He would be. He was strong and sure and never failed to show her the "right" path. She pushed and shoved and was way to sassy and really, looking back she feels she was just always hoping He would show her that He indeed was the one in charge. He spoke of true submission and she was heading in that direction. she has found she has learned more these eight years from being away from Him then she could have thought she would. she has looked deeply into her self, she hears his words and feels Him close to her and understands now what submission is for Him, for her. Sometimes she can be so stupid!

she is very sorry for miss communicating her first journal entry. she wanted this to be her quiet, thoughtful page. A place her owner could read and talk with her about the feelings she has. she lives in the US, He in the UK. she is owned. she is His. There will never be another. On to dreaming....

Inhershoes	InhaleMnst	Inhibitor
inhash02	inHISservi	inheavyrot
inhiscare	Inharber	InherentMa