HarmlessKitten

What am I looking for from you? Truthfully Mike, I'm not really sure what I am looking for from you. There are things I need that I think you provide. I need discipline, to be held accountable for my actions, I need boundaries, consequences. There are few men who can control me. Fewer men who put up with my bullshit. The funny thing is you don’t put up with my crap either but in a different way. Honestly I’m terrified and excited all at the same time to go see you. Excited because well that one visit for a few hours wasn’t nearly enough, and nervous because I know you are going to beat my ass. I deserve it. I deserve way more than an ass beating. And I have a feeling that my usual ways of getting out of punishment isn’t going to work. I can’t charm my way out of an ass beating with you. It’s funny because that’s what I need. But I tend to mentally top from the bottom all the time. You are the only one that sees through that. I need you to see me. The real me. Not this fake person I pretend to be to try and skirt around the issues at hand. You see right through me. I know you do, and you seem to know what I’m thinking before I even do. There is no accountability in my life, for anything. I'm smart enough to know how to get by without putting in too much effort. I'm good enough at using sex and flirting to get the results I want. I need to be held accountable when I don’t follow through and when I screw up. I need you to hold me accountable for the shit I mess up. I need there to be consequences; real consequences that will (hopefully) ensure I don’t do it again. I need a big ass piece of humble pie. I'm cocky. I know I am. And I can’t even help it. It’s not that I think I’m pretty, or a genius. It’s that I know I will always get my way because I’m a manipulative little whore. I think slut all the time. It’s how I get what I want and do as I please without any consequences. Physical discipline, which is sure you have no trouble using always works best on me. But even then I usually manipulate the situation to get what I want, a few little ass slaps and a smack here or there. Nothing bad. I don’t think I’ll get away that easy with you, and I need that. I need the follow through from someone because it's obvious I can’t handle it. I have no control over my life. I need help. If I wasn’t so fucked up, maybe I wouldn’t always let people down. I'm looking for a real man to seriously put me in my place, not out of fear of him but out of respect because I know he knows what’s best for him and me, because he doesn’t allow me to get away with any of my shit and beats my ass (among other things which I’m sure you've already thought of) when he needs to. I need boundaries, consequences. I need you, I always have. It’s why I’m such a space cadet around you. You scare me. Not in the "hurt me" kind of way, though I’m damn sure you will. But more because I’m scared of what daemons I’ll face with you. They have a funny way of sneaking out in these sorts of situations.

What am i getting out of this?

Mike, I don't know what I am getting out of this. Truthfully I think that is the problem. I could give you a cookie cutter answer about what i hope and dream this to be about but that’s not really going to be the truth. I want more than i have now. The only time i ever feel like the world around me is real is when there is someone there keeping my feet on the ground. I know that sounds crazy but its the truth. Everything has been spinning out of control for so long. I don't know which way to turn. Especially in the last few months I feel like I am barely staying above water. Truthfully there are men that come in and out of my life quickly and i engage in some rather risky behavior. I am not this girl. I need her back. Thats what i get out of this. I dont think i can even come close to have any respect of dignity for myself, until all this stops. But there isn’t anyone holding me accountable for my actions. There are no consequences. I skate by on a smile, some flirting and a nice rack. Its catching up to me and i feel dead. I feel numb. I can't do it anymore. I make promises I can't keep. I say I'll do something and its not even that i run out of time, or that something comes up. I know when i am agreeing to it that i'm not going to get it done. I just don’t care anymore. About anything. I feel like i'm sleepwalking all the time. I need out of it. I need to turn my brain off for a while, for a moment even. The only things i feel lately- more or less the past year have been in extremes- pain mostly- physical. Reminds me that I'm alive, reminds me I'm still here on this stupid rock. I'm tired of letting people down. I'm tired of letting myself down. I can't do this 24/7. I'm not set up that way. The only time i really feel alive. the only time i feel like i can breathe? is when someone else is in control. I wish i could explain it more to you than that, but its hard to really convey the liberating feeling. I need you Mike. You know that. I get you out of this. I get to earn a little bit of your time. I need to feel safe. I need to explore a side of myself that i've tried to hide for a long time. I need to relinquish some control to someone who knows what’s best. I need more out of myself. I need to prove that i can be loyal and can follow through. I need to be reliable and accountable. I need someone to tell me when you shut up and listen. I need guidance. I need to be taught. Hell i need to be rewired. Regardless of the semantics of it, I need a "relationship" if you will that pushes the limits and boundaries of where i am. I need to push past the comfort zone of where I'm at to really find who i am again. I'm sorry if that’s not the answer you were looking for, but that’s the truth. Its a journey of self discovery. And at the end of the day, i hope you are the one that can help me with that. Its been over a year, and I still keep making these half ass attempts at trying to fall into your good graces. What i need out of this, is you.

Its not 2000 words because I’m  not going to lie to you. That’s all you’ve said is that I’m a liar and a fraud. I’m not. I’m anything but. The truth is I play men all the time, its an easy sport. But I’ve never lied to you or played you. Not only because I have no reason to, but because I actually like you. I actually appreciate you, and admire you as a person. That doesn’t happen often.  You’re also to much of a legit person to lie to. You can see right through me, and you have no problem calling me out on things that you think are crap. I refuse to lie to you. So you can ask me to write 2000 words on what you get out of it. But I’m not going to make things up. I don’t think you get much out of it at all. Truthfully I think id be a waste of your time, not because I’m a fraud but because I don’t deserve you.

Its not 2000 words because  I don’t deserve you. That simple. I don’t scream out my issues but I’ve got some. And I’m sure that they make it seem like I’m a fake or a phony. I’m sure that’s what’s making things cloudy and makes it look like im some crazy game playing broad. I am who I am. And although I can’t rewire myself I am really trying to be a better and different person. I think what you have to offer is real and legit. And you don’t find that everyday. There are few men in the world like you, and I think I’m lucky to have even met you let alone anything else.  I truthfully don’t deserve any part of this with you and I know that. So its hard to explain what you get out of it, when truthfully I don’t think you are getting anything. I’m the one that has everything to gain from this.

Its not 2000 words because I’m not going to repeat the same things multiple times just to make it long enough.  I already learned that the hard way the first time. The last thing I want to do is piss you off more. Whats the point in that, then you will hate me more than you already do. I’m tired of repeating the same things over and over again to you, and you are probably sick of hearing them. I don’t know what to say or do anymore. I’m use to being able to talk or sex my way out of anything. And I can’t do that with you. I’m on completely new territory with you and it scares the shit out of me. But maybe I need that. Either way, I’m not going to fluff something up with paraphrasing and a few literary tricks to meet some standard you have. I rather catch a beating for it not being done to specifications than catch one for being coy and repeating the same thing over and over again.

Its not 2000 words because I don’t understand why 1100 words to 2000 words really matters when everything I said is true and honest.  I’ve said it before I’m not going to lie to you. At some point isn’t it quality over quantity? I wasn’t trying to get out of what you asked me to do. I did put in some real time and effort. But it is what it is. I didn’t complete it in my allotted time, so I’m unsure as to what you would rather of had me do? Pretend I’m an idiot and “forgot” to do it? Asking for more time would have gotten me in trouble to. I really can’t win with you at all. And I’m not even trying to win. I just want some understanding on your part that I can’t drop everything the way I would like to be able to, to cater to your every whim.

Its not 2000 words because I really don’t think you are getting anything out of this. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. What is it that you NEED, that you WANT and what is it that you could possibly get from me? Maybe that’s the problem here, I don’t understand how you could possibly benefit from this in the slightest. Maybe I’m being naïve to think that it doesn’t matter. But you have to get something out of this in order to make it worth while, and after repeatedly telling me I’m a fake and fraud, and leading me to believe you think I’m think shitty person, why would you even bother with me. I have NO idea what you want from me, and If I did, id of already given it to you. I swear.

Its not 2000 words because I have no idea what I’m doing or where I’m going, and this lack of direction clearly shows through this lack of words in this previous document.  Ive never felt so completely lost with someone. Funny because the night I was with you everything in the world made sense. It was a fleeting feeling and I’m going to chalk it up to the fact that I felt safe with you. But you clearly have seen that I have no idea what my next move is ever. Maybe Its another flaw, I assure you I’m full of them. But I don’t mean for it to come off like I’m an airhead I’m not.  I’m just so use to being in control of the situation, or being in control of the man I’m with. I call the shots, and I’m in charge all the time. Its exhausting and I hate it, but its my safety net.  You make me feel like the world is spinning out of control all the time.

Its not 2000 words because sometimes I really do just give up. I don’t think this was really a time, but I let other responsibilities get in the way, so I suppose in a way, I was allowing for myself to give up or give in to life around me rather than devote every possible second to writing it for you. But that’s not reality, something has got to give, and its not as though I went and did something that could have waited, I was with my mother. And if by default that’s giving up, then so be it. I gave up on my duty to complete what you asked and how you asked for it to be done by the time allotted. I’m sorry.

Its not 2000 words because unfortunately I really do have a life that gets in the way of things I really want to do. I am not only married but I have a small child. And by far this has been the worst week of my life, which you would know if you would talk to me for five minutes. You knew going in that I had a life and responsibility and at the time you were okay with it. I’m sorry that I can’t drop everything for you, because I sure would love it. But it just isn’t reality. I’ve told you I will try to make it work and I will do my damnedest to try and make it work as best as possible. But between work and a family it is hard, and you aren’t just up the road like I wish you were. I can make it work I’ve told you that. I will, you’ll see….if you give me a shot .

Its not 2000 words because I don’t want to disappoint you by “giving you something you didn’t ask for” . The first time you made me write something I was pretty proud of what I wrote. You ripped it apart and embarrassed the shit out of me saying how could I not get what you wanted. Well surprise I had no idea what you wanted obviously if I thought that what I did the first time was pretty damn good. I was angry and upset and I didn’t want to disappoint you. So now I’m more careful with what I write when you ask me to, I don’t want to piss you off and that sound in your voice…made me want to crawl into a hole and die. And I don’t even think you were that mad. Its just that sound of disappointment KILLED me. Id rather you be pissed that it wasn’t long enough than pissed that I bullshitted through it or avoided the question.

Its not 2000 words because I really was at the hospital, and have a sick son at home. Its life. I chose to have a child I get it. But 95 % of the time I take care of him by myself. And I’m not the type of mother just to pawn him off on anyone. Its not my style and I’d rather quit my job than have random people watch him. Every time you ask me to do something like this it takes time away from my child. In which time he usually destroys my house or colors on the wall. Making more work for me- but then again…..i have to give you undivided attention and complete your task by time allotted or I’m a fake piece of shit. My mother has been in the hosp since Tuesday. Forgive me please for going to see her with my son. I should have been home working on those 2000 words, I should have left sooner I get it. But shes my MOTHER.

Its not 2000 words because maybe I don’t understand the point of it all. I guess I don’t understand all of this writing stuff because I’m use to men being more physical with me. I cocky mouth got a slap in the face or an ass turned red. All this writing stuff is kind of passive and I’m not sure I get it. Mostly because its just not what I’m use to and its confusing sometimes as to what you really want. I feel like no matter what I say, you are looking for something “specific” and if I don’t say it, im shit, and a fraud.

Its not 2000 words because I am to naïve to fully appreciate my role in all of this. Maybe because I’ve been with men who don’t take any of this seriously, maybe because I’m young. Maybe its because I think I’m more mature than I really am, but maybe I just don’t know what you want from me, or what I am even bringing to the table. Maybe that’s the problem that I have no idea what my role really is, because even though I tend to be submissive I’m really always in control and mentally top from the bottom. I cant do that with you, you’re way to smart for that, and it makes me uneasy and scares the shit out of me.

Its not 2000 words because Id rather give you something than nothing at all. I’m sure you would have been way more pissed if I told you by the time I got home with Jeovani that I had to change him and give him med s and blah blah blah. That’s excuses and you don’t want that. Real life cant get in the way. So I give you what I do have and its not good enough. I don’t know what to do with you, I’m so lost it isn’t even funny. A procedure manual would really help me out.  I should start working on one.

Its not 2000 words because I constantly feel like I’m trying to talk you into wanting me. Its obvious you want nothing to do with me, and yet here I am AGAIN trying to convince you otherwise. I don’t know what to say anymore. I still feel like there is one thing you are waiting for me to say that I’m not. Maybe that’s not true but its like no matter what I say at this point your mind is made up. I cant write a bazillion words on what you get out of it, because in my head you already know you aren’t getting anything out of it, and that’s why we are where we are now. I don’t know what to say anymore.

Whats in this for you? I started writing this and then realized as much as I could probably complete the task at hand to your specifications…it’s all crap. I don’t deserve you. I don’t even deserve for you to talk to me. Least of all I deserve your time. I like you, for all the reasons I mentioned in my previous 2000 words assignment. But seriously what Do you get out of this? You get me. And I’m not all the great now am I. I’ve proven that multiple times. I’m not trying to be perfect. That will just never happen. You also have NO idea who I am and what I’m about, only what you assume to be true. Which you are completely wrong about. But there are some basic things I’ve got that I assume could be of use to you in some way. I’m a darn good cooker/cleaner and general caretaker. So I guess at least you’d be eating good food and have a clean house. And I do assume at some point I’d be doing some of it. That humble pie you always talk about me needing. And you are right. I do need it. And who better to give me a slice than you? No other man ever holds me accountable for my actions. But you do everything but let me slide on things. I need that. And I think you enjoy doing it, maybe a little to much.... I am a trustworthy girl and horrible devoted. You want it you get it. I’m pretty big on pleasing the people around me in whatever way I can. All you have to do is ask, for all rational/legal requests…you won’t get a no out of me I swear. I want to keep you satisfied and the last thing I want is to upset or disappoint you. I am not okay with disappointing you in any way, and I know I have. I’m really trying extremely hard not to do that again. Isn’t that what you want? A girl that you trust to do what you want, when and how, and now to put up a fight all the time? You get your bad girl stuck inside this good girl shell. I’d love to be your depraved little slut. I’m sure you need one. And Id love to experience a bazillion things with you. I’m quite open to things though I tend to say no a lot. And I’m willing to slut it up for you, when and how you want it. What you want all the time. I’m a horribly devoted little girl when I need to be. And I’m thinking you’ve got tons of needs that aren’t being met right now. So you get a little slut that not only needs you, but craves you all the time. A girl that gets wet and ready for you the second she sees you or hears your voice. All those evil little things going on in your head can happen as soon as you say the word. As soon as you ask. I know you have a bit of a sadistic side that just aching to come out. Isn’t that why you want me up there? To turn my ass red for all the drama I’ve caused? I’m yours if you want me. Ive got some talent s that you probably don’t know about that I’m sure could be useful or amusing at some point. But that would require you actually wanting to spend time with me at some point, preferably in the near future. You might actually be surprised. Who knows. You get a girl who would go to great lengths to fight for something she wants, and needs. If I was playing wouldn’t I have given up by now? Wouldn’t I have just thrown in the towel. You are clearly worth more than that. And I recognize that. I wonder if most women realize how great of a guy you are…I do…hence all this bullshit. You get to correct my ass every time I screw up. As much as I’m sure you don’t want to be a tyrant, I’m sure I need it. Which is one of the things you’re mad about, that I can’t be there all the time to ACTUALLY be accountable for my actions? I guess that just means I’ll be typing a lot of 1000 word assignments then. So at least you get some good reading material. Truthfully is not about the punishment, its about what I get out of it. And I understand that. And the things I learn the things I get out of this will be because of you. I would assume that’s something youd want. To be the catalyst for some change in a person, so maybe they don’t suck so much. I’d like to suck less, and I’d like for you to be that reason. I’m hoping you want that too. Otherwise I guess this is all pointless isn’t it? Honestly, I’m probably not the kind of girl you want. I’ve got a shitty attitude and a fresh mouth to prove it. And I’m tired of trying to sell myself to you. I’m not a car salesman and Its obvious you want nothing to do with me. You make me feel like shit and I am not near as awful as you make me out to be. It sucks and I wish you saw things differently. You should have high expectations and high standards. You deserve the best. I am not the best. I’m not even halfway to the best. Its probably not the right time, or even a quarter to the right time. It is what it is. And I’m not trying to run around begging people to give me a chance. I think you’re worth the fight and the car salesman pitch. And I would probably get way more out of this at first then you would. I’m hoping at some point I might actually be useful to you in some capacity. But you wont know that unless you give me a shot. You wont know that unless you stop fighting me on it and just give me a chance. Please... That’s all I’m asking for….It doesn’t matter how many words I write, they all just start blending together at some point and repeat themselves. So If you want me to continue blabbing on with some nonsense and why you should reconsider me, I will. But it wont be true. The truth is in actions not words. Let me SHOW you, that I’m not this awful girl you think I am. I’m telling you that you get me. All of me. And that’s nothing to exciting, so I understand if that’s not what you want. But that’s all I’ve got. And that’s everything I’ve got to give.

what are you salvaging? I am salvaging a chance to be with someone who I find intelligent and strong willed. Its not every day you meet someone like you. A man who actually says who he is. A man who says something and means it, who follows through. More often than not , I’m way more intelligent than the men I come across. I find them boring and I get tired of correcting their grammatical errors and poor use of the English language. Additionally I tend to find myself day dreaming when they talk because they speak of non-sense. You are one of the few people who I think knows his stuff, you aren’t cocky, but you know you’re intelligent and I appreciate it. And although it doesn’t always seem like I’m listening. I am. You’ve got some good things to say. I am salvaging the possibility of a great relationship. I think/thought we had a good connection. Despite the fact that physically you are obviously attractive, you have other qualities that I find intriguing. For some odd reason you seem to get me, and that takes some talent. A hundred times you’ve called me out on things that I’m thinking before I’ve even had a chance to say them. Its strange but I think we’d be a good fit, I’ve got a lot to learn and I think you’ve got a lot to teach. I think you’d be a good person to spend some time with. I am salvaging the chance to be trusted. I know that I screwed up and that It makes you not want to trust me. But the last thing I consider myself is an untrustworthy person. Id like the chance to show you that you can trust me. Not only to follow through but in general. I don’t want to you feel like you cant trust me to do the things you ask or to follow a few simple rules. I don’t want you to continue to see me as some big fraud or fake. I am salvaging the chance to be more than I am now. It seems to me, like I said before that I can learn a lot from you. And I think I could take a lot of out this. What exactly those things are at this point and time I’m not sure. But I think often times these types of relationships can really change a person for the better. I want to be better. And not really for me. I want to be better because the last thing I want to do is disappoint you. Call me crazy but I’m completely infatuated with you and feeling like I’m some sort of disgrace kind of sucks. Id like to be someone you can be proud of, someone that changes for the better because of you. I have this strange feeling if I wake up and pay attention I might learn a thing or two. I am salvaging something that didn’t get the chance to even start. There wasn’t even a chance to start anything. So I guess in a way I’m not salvaging anything. But at the same time, we’ve been talking for a year, and I’m sure I’ve emailed the life out of you by now. For some reason you took a chance and you let me go see you. Thanks for the vote of confidence and I know I screwed it up, but after a year why throw it away now? It could turn out to be something great who knows. But You cant know unless you let me salvage what we didn’t even really get to start. I am salvaging the chance to show that I’m not a fake, or fraud. I have never been called a fake or a fraud. And although my actions may have proved otherwise, I was never anything but legit about wanting start this with you. I know sometimes I come off as though I’m indecisive or playing games. But I swear its not meant to come across like that. Sometimes I push to see if people will push back or just bolt. Its mostly subconscious but its not an excuse. I need to be more aware of what consequences my actions or lack of actions cause. And I think if I do that it will lessen this who idea that I’m a fraud. Nothing I’ve told you has been a lie. I have no reason to lie to you or play games. I swear. I am salvaging the possibility of actually spending some times with someone that I’d consider close to exactly what I’ve been looking for. Id never want to say you are exactly what I want. That’s a big to optimistic. However, I always complain about men being legitimate. Complain about them having no idea what they are doing with themselves let alone me. You know who you are, and what you have to offer. Which is way more than most. I’d be a fool not to want to get to know you better, and spend some…or a lot of time with you. I am salvaging a chance for some freedom. Clearly my world is always kind of spinning. And I tend to need someone who can tell me to shut the hell up. Which you do pretty expertly. Its this unbelievably freeing feeling just to do what your told, and not have to think to much. I don’t want to be a doormat, and I have a brain and a mouth. And I don’t want to serve a man out of fear, but because I want to, because he wants me to, and because I know it’ll make him happy. I am salvaging the chance to serve a man who actually deserves it. I don’t want to do things for a man who has no idea what he is doing, or pretends he is some strong dominate figure. Its not about some role-play or some game. It just is what it is. I want to be with a man who doesn’t intimidate me, but can top me mentally. Who challenge’s me to grow to learn. I don’t want some stagnant situation. I have some inkling you might want the same thing? I am salvaging a chance to be me. There is some sort of wild untamed girl in me begging to get out. And who knows what she is even capable of. I don’t ever feel safe with men. I just give in to whatever they want sexually mostly out of fear that they will take it anyway. I spent what 3 hours with you? I have never felt more safe. You are a good guy, and I liked that. If there’s any sort of sexual experimentation going on. I’d want it to be with you. I think I have a lot to learn from you. I am salvaging a chance to be the kind of girl you might want. I know that as it is now I am not the kind of girl you want to be around. But I swear I’m not the girl you think I am. I just want a chance to show you I can be the kind of girl you’d like to be with. That you’d like to get to know. That you might like to see every now and then for an unbelievable sexual encounter. I am salvaging the chance to change things from here on out. I cant promise the world. However I can promise that I won’t make the same mistake twice. Though I’m sure I’ll disappoint you at some point, I’ll try my best not to let that happen. I will honestly try to be better for you. Simply because even having a small glimpse of what it’s like having you around, Tells me I’d be a fool to just walk away without a fight for another chance. I know I need to change some things, namely my attitude, but I swear I’m trying. I am salvaging the opportunity to be the person I keep complaining that I use to be, to make real changes. I am salvaging the chance to prove you wrong. As much as I’m sure it doesn’t happen often. I really think you are wrong about me. I’m not some amazing girl. And I’m sure not the girl that deserves any of your time. But I can be. You just have to let me try. I really just want the chance to show you that I really can be a good girl. I’m not perfect and I make mistakes but I am willing to listen and change things to be better. I am salvaging the chance to learn and grow. Clearly you have a lot more life experience than me, and although I often think I’m mature and quite the adult with a family of my own. Its clear I have a lot to learn. Although you don’t think I’m listening, I do. I am salvaging the chance to listen. This is something I really need to work on, but as I said before I have a lot to learn, and think I can from you. This means I have to shut up and listen. I won’t learn anything otherwise. And I think that there is this chance that if I listen more and talk less I would get myself in a lot less trouble. Listening might actually help me gain some humility who knows. Not listening to my own smart mouth all the time might be helpful. I am salvaging the chance to do something for someone other than me and not be so damn selfish all the time. Although I never really considered myself selfish I obviously am. Its on my agenda, on my time and when I want to . It can’t always be like that and I can’t always make excuses for things. I rely on excuses way too much and I need to be more accountable to my actions. Give me the chance to at least be accountable. Give me the chance to show you that I’m not some selfish whore. I really can be a selfless person. I can show a little humility now and then. They say the meek will inherit the earth. All I want is you to give me a chance. I don’t need anything else. I am salvaging a chance to live up to YOUR expectations. I set high expectations for people and I expect them to meet them. I don’t ever have people put expectations on me. Maybe I just think I’m better than that, that I’m invincible. Obviously I’m not. You should have high expectations you deserve someone who meets them. I want to . You just have to let me try. I wont be perfect I’m sure. But I’ll sure do everything I can to try and get there. I am salvaging a chance. All I really want is a chance, A real chance. I don’t know how it will go or what will happen. But what you got before wasn’t me at all. It was a mere glimpse of this shell of a person that I am. It wasn’t fair and you deserve way better than that. I don’t know why I did that. I almost couldn’t help it. And I’m sure at some point I’ll disappoint you again. But that doesn’t mean I’m a fake or a fraud. It means I’m young and I make irrational off the cuff decisions sometimes that get me into hot water. I don’t mean to upset you, and the last thing I want to do is disappoint you. The worst feeling is thinking that I disappointed you, and that you think I’m a big fake. All I am asking for is a chance to fix it. A chance to show you that you can trust me, that I can follow through, and that I might be the kind of girl you’d like to spend some time with. Please ? Just maybe?

You know, I never thought of myself as a worthless human being until today. Seriously not to say I think overly high about myself. But I'm a pretty decent person. I volunteer my time to others. I work with people with special needs. I smart. I'm generally pretty nice to people, especially those that others would be crappy too..and today for the first time I actually feel like a worthless piece of shit. Maybe thats what I needed. A wake up call. Maybe this whole time I was living behind some shroud of false dignity. I have absolutely no idea who I am.....

I dont even think I want to know anymore.

My frriends have always called me the Ice Princess....True story I never cry. Funny how I havent stopped crying all day.

Why is it important to do what you say you’re going to do, when you say you are going to do something? It is important to do something you say you are going to do because saying you are going to do something is committing to that one thing. It’s giving your word that you will in fact complete the task at hand. It’s about follow through and finishing what you start. Not doing what you say you are going to shows a lack of not only commitment but integrity. Failure to commit to the simplest of tasks means failure to inevitably commit to the bigger ones. This leads to a lack of trust. Giving your word is directly related to your trust level with the person you told you would complete said item. It shows a lack of drive. It’s important to do what you say you are going to do, because no one wants to be around someone they can’t count on. I want to know at the end of the day that I can count on you to come through when I need you. And I surmise that you need the same sort of validation from me. In fact you probably need it more from me, that I do from you. If I can’t come through on the little things, how do you know I’m going to come through on the big things? How do you know when I go missing in action for a few hours that I’m not with another man? Or that I just simply lied about where I was, who I was with and what I was doing? Failing to follow through on things just opens the door for lying and deceit. It opens up the gates to a rocky road. It is important to do something you say you are going to do because failing to do what you say shows a lack of respect. It shows a lack of respect for the person you told that you would do something and failed to go and do that. Respect is the cornerstone of any sort of relationship with someone, and failure to comply with simple requests that you have already agreed to do, show lack of respect. There is no redeeming oneself once respect is lost, thus it is imperative, that you follow through with what you say. This is especially true if you hold that person in high regard. It is important to do something you say you are going to do because it shows that whatever it was wasn’t that important to you. It shows that it didn’t mean anything. It means that you didn’t think it was important enough to do. IT shows that you didn’t think it was important enough to put time into it. It shows that you are selfish and that you don’t take things seriously. Failure to follow through shows that you don’t value the other person or the task that was to be done, and that you could care less about what they think. You are letting down someone when you fail to do what you say you are going to. It’s important to do something that you say you are going too, because otherwise it’s just giving lip service. You are spoon feeding the person what they want to hear, or maybe what you think they want to hear. It’s just as bad as out rightly lying. Essentially you are lying because you don’t complete what you said you were going to. It’s important to do what you say you are going to do because it is really the only thing you have with someone. Your word is your seal of commitment on whatever was discussed that should be done. Your word is your bond; failing to complete things just shows a disregard for your own worth. A person is only as good as their word, failure to stand by your word essentially means you will fall for anything. It shows a weak person. It shows a person who is easy swayed, and manipulated. You want someone strong who will stand by you, not waver if things get rough. Failure to commit to as simple a thing as what you say is a direct reflection of how you will commit to other things if your life. It’s important to do what you say you are going to do, because otherwise you are just a fraud. You will appear to be fake, someone who is just playing games. No one wants to deal with someone who is just playing around. Following through shows you are serious and can be trusted. It all boils down to trust. It’s important to do something that you say you are going too, because you let down the people who you care about. Even more important than that, you let down the people who are important to you. There are few people in the world who you can call count on, you shouldn’t ruin by failing to follow through with something. Failing to follow through also leaves the person on the other end wondering why you failed. Motives, intent will be questioned, and often the worse will be assumed. This is a direct effect of not following through on what you say. It’s important to do something that you say you are going too, because it showing that you do not finish what you start. Its like leaving a house half painted. It will still be a house and you can still live in it, but it will never be the same as if it were completed. It leaves things open. It leaves things unfinished. Not finishing what you start, walking out half way through, is a direct reflection of your integrity, your character and your honor as a person. It shows a weak spirit. In essence it’s important to do something that you say you are going to do something, because you said you were going to do it. You gave out your word. You did everything but sign a contract. You can’t just step out of it like it doesn’t exist. You can’t ignore a promise that you make. And regardless of saying “I promise” you still said you were going to do it. You failed. You failed yourself, you failed the person you promised. There is nothing worse than being someone who is untrustworthy. Someone who is looked at as being dishonest, or a quitter. Its as simple as following through with that you say. Its as simple as saying something, meaning it, and doing it. There is no half assing it. You do it, and you do it to the best of your ability because its IMPORTANT that you complete it. Its important that you do the things you say you are going to do because there can be irrevocable consequences if you fail. Its as simple as writing 1000 words without giving any lip or saying you cant. Its as simple as completing a simple task that He asks of you simply because he asks, and you said you would complete it. Its as simple as respecting him enough to just do it. No matter if you don’t want to, or don’t have the “time”. Its about not failing him…..and I did just that. I’m sorry. (M)

I use to be calm like a pond.....

You throw a stone into a pond and it ripples....chain reaction, it affects everything.

If you wait long enough the pond will be calm again.

But underneath the surface, on the bottom of that pond is that stone, no matter how small its there....

And the pond is forever changed.

Giving up. Isnt that exactly what you were talking about? When the going gets tough, this little girl throws in the towel, rather than trying to do it and trying to do it right.

I deserve it, whatever the consequence I deserve it.

Kind of, maybe, uh huh, sure, i guess....all words i use way to often.

It seriously needs to stop. Now.

I dont want to be "that girl" ....let me show you the girl i want to be, should be, and the girl I'm trying to become....

I lost myself somehwere in the mix.....help me find her?

Please Daddy?

Why is it important to do what you say when you tell someone you will do something?

Say it, mean it, does it.  Occasionally things are said without any follow through. In thinking of why it is so important to follow through with what you say you will do, a few key points came to mind.

Trust, honesty, integrity, loyalty, communication, character.

                Trust. It’s the foundation of everything in the world. Relationships in any format- romantic, friendships, and family rely on trust.  Relationships between employers/employees….political agencies…everything relies on trust. So when you say you are going to do something, it’s important that you follow through. Trust is really all we have. If you can’t trust me, then we have nothing. If I can’t trust you then we have nothing. The imperative part is that through trust with anyone great things can be accomplished. Nothing can really move forward if there is some issue with trust. Things stay stagnant and people get angry and are quick to flee. When people look at you, they want to see someone they can go to, talk to….a person who is able to be therefore them. If you don’t follow through with what you say there is no reason to be trusted and thus, there is no point trying to forge any sort of relationship with you.

Honesty is something I value. I don’t want to be lied to. I expect you to always tell me the truth even if it hurts. If I’m not following through on what I’m saying to you, then I’m not being honest with you or myself. Honesty goes hand in hand with trust. If I’m not honest with you, it directly affects your trust in me, and then that’s it. Everything stops. It affects all your relationships. Honesty is the cornerstone to experiencing anything new. I suppose if I never wanted to move forward from this point on, it wouldn’t matter. But you have to be honest with yourself and others about your expectations of life, of yourself and of those other people. If you aren’t honest about that….that is when there isn’t any follow through. To say something, and now follow through simply means you weren’t being honest from the start.

Integrity is about adhering to morals and ethics. I suppose this depends on one’s own personal code of ethics. When you tell someone you are going to do something- it’s a matter of the previously mentioned qualities that determine you code of ethics. Since trust and honesty are important to me, it’s important that I follow through on the things I say, as it affects my integrity. Integrity is about being in a good condition. I don’t want to be looked at as tarnished. And If I can’t be trusted that’s what I am- damaged goods.

Loyalty really connects with trust and honesty; Loyalty not necessarily to someone else. But to yourself well. Loyalty is about being faithful to your obligations.  Lack of follow through is lack of commitment, hence lack of loyalty. Showing wavering loyalty in one aspect of your life may also mean you’re disloyal in other areas. And I’m sure people don’t want to be wondering where you loyalties do and do not lie.

Communication is the key to any sort of relationship. Lack of proper communication is the very cause of deterioration. By failing to follow through, without some extraordinary reason just shows that you cannot communicate appropriately. Communication can fix any issue; lack of communication IS often the issue. There could be a hundred reasons why you aren’t properly communicating why you can or cannot do something. But just by saying you will, and not completing to such obligations you are directly causing the breakdown of relationship. With the lack of communication come the breaks in trust, honesty, loyalty etc. It’s all intertwined.

Character. It’s all about character. It is your reputation, and something your reputation is heard of before you as a person are ever considered. Character is what it takes to make it through the day, often your resilience. A weak character indicates a weak person and a weak moral code. I can’t think of anyone what would want to associate themselves with someone who has a weak set of morals and ethics.  A person of weak character will do anything to get ahead. Inclusive of offering lip service  in order to get ahead. A person of weak character is one who doesn’t understand the importance of following through on promises and obligations and will be a consistent disappointment.

The point in all of this is that all the qualities that I hold to be important in a person are really all connected. It’s a domino effect. Faltering in one of these traits brings the whole tower down. There is no way to have one without the other. At the end of the day I want to be the girl that does what she says, that really means what she says. Otherwise it’s just lip service and none of it means anything. If I’m just saying things to say them- or because it’s what you want to hear, I’m not really getting anything out of it and I’m wasting everyone’s time. I don’t want to be that girl.

The last thing I want to be is a disappointment. Its an awful feeling and makes me disappointed in myself for my own actions. Failure to do what I say, doesn’t mean I failed just the person I said it to. It means I failed myself too. That I don’t take things seriously. Nothing will ever change if you don’t take things seriously.

When you say something and there is no follow through you essentially turn your word to shit. I want you to know that when I say I will do something you can count on me. That you won’t have to worry because you know it will be taken care of right away. I want to be a girl you can be proud of, not one that constantly disappoints you, because I can’t even complete the simplest of tasks, but just doing what I say I will do. At the end of the day, it the easy part….and without it….there’s nothing.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. It’s the motto for life right? I work in human services. I am a residential program manager for people with special needs. My most stressed phrase is to “always say what you mean and mean what you say…..they’ll remember if you don’t, and your word is the only thing you have.

Isn’t that true though? Isn’t your word all you really have? I mean, think for one second the last time you told someone you were going to do something and you didn’t. Did you even mean to? When you said it, did you know then that you weren’t going to follow through? One would hope that it isn’t the case.

When you tell someone you are going to do something, and you fall through, all you are really doing is turning your word to shit. It doesn’t even matter how small or big the thing is, at the end of the day you blew it.  I’m sure that it take much more “Forgotten” little things to actually blow it. However, a good promise or two broken is as good as a 1000 small things And at the point who is counting anyway.

So why do we do it? Why do we even bother to say something to someone, give our word, put our honor on the line just to fail miserably? Well if I had the answer I probably wouldn’t be babbling here right now would i?

Clearly as perfect as I think I am. (ha) I too can make this simple mistake. How hard it is REALLY to just say something and follow through. Unless you have some sort of short term memory loss it really shouldn’t be an issue. (I wonder if I can use that as an excuse though)  So why such difficulty?

For me, I think it has to do with the fact that I never want to fail. I have a type A personality so I always feel like I need to be the best at something, win, overpower and overcome. Unfortunately I often spread myself to thin and I cant accomplish everything I want to in the way I want to.  It all gets done, don’t get me wrong. But I half- ass most of it. Who wants something half assed anyway? Go big or go home.

But that’s the other problem I guess. Go big or go home. Talk a big game and run before anyone figures out you’re a big fake. Are you a big fake? I know I am .  Well now. My thoughts just went so fast, and I just kept typing. I didn’t even mean for that to come out. I didn’t even know I felt that way.

See why its important to write it all down? Different when its in black and white, right in front of you. When you cant hide from words on the paper, not some random conglomeration of words floating around in your brain.

A long time ago, I was this secure person. I did it, I said it, I meant it and I followed through.  Its really all about accountability. I’m not accountable for any of my actions and no one ever holds me accountable so who really cares? Obviously someone does.   Its about taking things seriously. And I don’t take myself seriously. I’m a big joke. Funny because to most people that I come into contact with they think I’m a badass. I’m a hard worker, devoted to my child and I spread myself thin to avert failure and stay in this so called “middle class”.   But reality?  Reality says I’m a scared little girl crying quietly in the corner. Wouldn’t know it when I’m at a meeting for work in my shiny high heels and cute little skirt and button down blouse now would you? I demand attention , I use big words and I speak in such an articulate manner you wouldn’t even know its me.

Walk out of the room, slip out of the shoes, throw on some jeans and flip flops and there you have it. One big fake.

Or am i?

Not fake. Maybe confused?  I don’t trust myself. Most of the time when I say something I know its just lip service, but I don’t want people to hate me, or get upset. I hate displeasing people.  And so I say something, knowing full well what I said may never come to pass and I don’t care because there aren’t many consequences.

I wonder if there were dire consequences every time I did something like that if it would change my way of thinking at all. Each time I said something and didn’t follow through a guy in some small country on the other side of the planet dies. …yea I guess that changes things.

So is that what it is going to take to change that? Probably not. I think most of it has to do with the fact that I really can’t stand myself from the time I wake up until I go to bed. I guess it isn’t all that bad when I’m sleeping. In dreams, it doesn’t matter….

First step is to accept the fact that I can’t save the world. The worlds been fine without me for billions of years, I’m sure it will continue to do fine.

Second start appreciating the natural consequences of saying things and not following through.

Third really work on my follow through.

All of this really has nothing to do with me specifically. Its more about how I portray myself to other people. The last thing I want is to be thought of as a joke, that “girl”. Or looked down on for not being able to deliver.

The last thing I want to do is disappoint you. But its EASY to disappoint. I’m use to it, you don’t even have to tell me. I’ll assume you’re disappointed before you even say anything- back to that self loathing thing again.

Bottom line- You word is really all you have, without it….well…. you don’t have anything.

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone

Occasionally risky behavior reaps the biggest rewards. Be daring, be spontaneous. Open your mind, trust yourself and follow your heart.