geekling

He Called Me Brother

A few days ago, I was out walking to the neighborhood store, I noticed a man with a shopping cart under the underpass.  I immediately made the assumption that he was homeless, because it’s likely that you’re pretty down and out if you’re facing that social stigma, even for a single day.

Given my life, I would like to have more financial resources available to me, both for myself and others.  What I do have is some time, and when it feels good, I tend to give it away to others in need.  This was one of those times where I could do that, so I approached him, and handed him my card, and sat down next to him.  He was listening to a small portable radio.

“Hi.  I’m a hypnotherapist.  So what’s your story?”  I was in the moment, feeling totally comfortable.

He didn’t meet my eye at first, and took a long moment before he began.  “Well, I’ve lost a lot of jobs, and I’m an alcoholic.”  (I’m going to do my best to reconstruct the conversation as I remember it here.)

“My mother was an alcoholic,” I replied.  “I’ve helped a girlfriend of mine off of alcohol and another off of speed.”

“I was in Alcoholics Anonymous for a while.  I stopped drinking for six years.”

“Good for you.”  I said it without thinking, without judgment or preconception, as I often do when I’m working with others.  In retrospect, in text it looks like it could be condescending, but it certainly wasn’t intended that way, and I’m pretty sure he read it as I intended it.

“I felt a lot of pressure from my family... and at some point, I just started drinking again.  I don’t know...” he said with a shrug.

“More than ninety five percent of people spend most of their time making the decision that feels least bad to them.  Very few people feel good enough to go after what would actually feel good to them.  That’s been most of my life.  Does that sound familiar to you?”  (I was repeating information from a hypnotherapist named Kappas I’ve studied, which coincides with my own experience.)

He nodded in grim agreement.

“Have you heard of PTSD?  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?”

“I’ve heard of it, but I don’t really know anything about it.”

“PTSD is caused by really bad things happening to you.  There’s also something called complex PTSD where you have so many bad things happen to you, it’s literally not safe for you to remember what happened.  I didn’t remember much of the critical stuff until I was 35.  It took me being just shy of a brown belt before I felt safe enough that I had my first flashback, to make it safe for me to remember that was an incest survivor.  I’ve been going through flashbacks almost every day, screaming into a pillow for around seven years now.  I’m on disability.”

He nodded.

“It may not be safe yet for you to understand why you feel the way you do.”

He appeared to consider the idea, and to my eye, was looking a lot calmer and more at peace then when I first sat down.

I changed the subject.  “Do you believe that god is all loving?”  I was hoping to tap into his experience in AA, regardless of my own beliefs.

“I believe that god is love.  I’m a christian,” he answered.

“Good.  That makes things a little easier.”  It’s a little easier to work with people who have a positive frame of reference.  “What’s the hardest feeling that you face every day?”

“Going over there, “ he waved his arm toward the corner, “and facing people.  It doesn’t feel good.  I see a lot of unhappy people,” he explained.  I found it fascinating that although it was pretty clear to me that he was talking about begging people for money, his emphasis was on the bad feelings of others, rather than himself.  In retrospect, I wonder if perhaps he felt bad for feeling like he was making other people feel bad?

“So, shame?”  

“Yeah, shame,” he said smiling.

“I’m going to invite you to conduct a little experiment with me.  This is a little Hawaiian ritual called Ho’oponopono.  It’s four phrases:

“I love you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Please forgive me.”

“Thank you.”

“I say these phrases to myself every day, and they’ve made a huge amount of difference for me.  For the first six months or so, they worked all the time, but these days I have to be more patient and give myself emotional space to really feel it to get the results I want,” I explained.  “I invite you to say these phrases with me to the parts of both of us that still feel shame.”  He was smiling, so I continued, and he said the words with me.  “Now give yourself a moment to let that settle in.”  I paused, giving him a moment to reflect.  “Now go back and check in and notice if you feel a difference.”

He was smiling broadly now, and his posture had improved.  “Yeah!”

“Going over there is something that you do to take care of yourself.  It would be good if it felt good to you.”  Again, I was in the moment.  How can you possibly expect someone to recover from whatever they’re struggling with, unless they feel good about basic self-care, regardless of what our social rules and stigmas are?  But those thoughts were very distant while I was talking to him.

“My name is Tony, brother,” he said, and extended his hand, which I shook.  When I shook it, my arm lit up with energetic pain.  You may or may not believe in healing energy work.  It’s something that I didn’t use to believe in, but in recent years I’ve become very conscious of.  Sometimes I do it consciously, and other times, like this one, it just happens automatically.  

“Nice to meet you Tony.  Best of luck to you.”  I smiled and walked off without any thought.  Things just felt complete at that moment.  Even as I was walking away, I was surprised that I hadn’t spent more time talking with him.  It’s getting easier to trust my instincts.  I’m still learning.

Looking back on that day, there was more said, and I left a thing or two out, but this was the gist of it.  What counts is that I helped someone feel better who really needed it, regardless of how I did it.  Most people that I’ve talked to say that making other people feel good is really important to them.  The thing is though, that can be extremely challenging to do that if you’re carrying a lot of judgment and preconceptions.  I’m the least judgmental person I know, but I’ve had that forced onto me by circumstances.  If I had been more judgmental in the past, I doubt I’d be here to tell my story today.

While you were reading this story, I wonder whether you identify more with me or with Tony.  Even though I’ve got my challenges, I at least can count on having food, a place to sleep, and an internet connection, along with a few luxuries.  Too many of us can’t count on those things.  Somewhere, somehow, I’ll eventually find a place that appreciates the gifts that I have been given, even if I have days where I don’t feel that way.  The Tonys of this world don’t have that.  

If I had a wish for this holiday season, it would be that whoever reads this becomes more open to releasing judgment of themselves.  When we carry judgment, we all become poorer, and put ourselves at increasing risk of becoming the next Tony.  Instead, I’d like to see more people taking care of each other, in the way that I did for Tony that day.  

Thank you for reading, and happy holidays

(c) Karl E. Foelsche

December, 2013

worldnlp.com

The Oath of Service

I pledge this body

I pledge this soul

All of this whole

To embody

The spirit of love and of living

The spirit of life and of giving

Myself to the highest cause

I choose this today because

I am the best of what the universe will be

I am the zest of each and every discovery

That is what my will will make

This is the path I will take

To give myself to the greatest cause

To move past everything that was

To focus on the present and the future

And whatever things may lie beyond her

Wherever my soul might go

I will share my own special glow

Whenever I find those in need

I will create abundance in deed

Where none may have gone before

I will find love whatever for

Both to give and to receive

That is what I will believe

I will stay this course

Through all of the wars

My strength is more than enough to heal me

Whenever and wherever fate may take me

For I am the very spirit of undying grace

For I take it into myself and show my face

For my fear I am conquering

For my despair I am mastering

To become all that I can be

I look beyond this reality

And into the depths of the universe’s needs

I am becoming one of its blessed seeds

And I accept that humble responsibility

To myself and to all others that I will see

I will transform all suffering

And peace and healing bring

Both by myself and with others

I will be one who discovers

The love at the core of the universe

I will all hatred and darkness disperse

I will listen and hear the greatest good’s call

With the means and methods that benefit all

With all things I do become

I let peace and healing come

--- Instructions: to be read mindfully, with passion

--- If you become emotional, or tears come, repeat.  (Great, you’re healing!)

(c) Karl E. Foelsche - worldnlp.com

Twue Domin8s in Action!

Warning - extremely hot scene follows.  If you’re not TWUE, reading any further could potentially crush your delicate ego.

Yesterday, I got a phone call from a former metamour of mine.  She told me that her house had been trashed by her ex, and that she needed some help putting her place back into some semblance of normality.  I told her that I would be happy to help out, as long as she didn’t mind the fact that I was probably going to cry, given the nature of the situation.  (Yes, I have PTSD and have lived through domestic violence situations in the past.)  She replied via text that she couldn’t put me through that.  However, I made a point of showing up anyway.

When I first arrived, there was no sign of disturbance outside the front of the house.  However, the energy was so bad that I started physically shaking.  Given my personal experience with working this kind of stuff in the past, I knew this was some seriously bad mojo.  It takes a hell of a lot of bad energy to do that to me.  I did a quick ritual of forgiveness, and spoke for the anger and fear that was behind the source.  It only took a minute or so, and I felt much better and the shaking stopped.  However, I knew that there was more work to be done in this area, but it would be more powerful if I waited until some of the essentials were addressed.

Once we got inside of the house itself, the scene was appalling.  There were at least four fist sized holes in the walls in different places.  There were smashed pieces of a chair scattered across the kitchen.  Garbage was strewn almost everywhere, and there were two overturned, broken cabinets in the bedroom.  There was a pile of used diapers left on her bed.  A mix of dirty and clean laundry was strewn everywhere, and miscellaneous papers where scattered everywhere.  The emotional impact was far worse than the actual damage, but it’s not easy to have chaos like this show up in your home.  It’s the kind of thing that shatters your illusions in a bad way.  I took a bunch of pictures in case law enforcement were to need them for some purpose.

We began cleaning up her bedroom, and I told her, “You know, if at any point you get overwhelmed or need to take a break, please do so.  There are times when it’s best to put your doubt aside, and just let other people take care of you.  This is one of those times.”  I was speaking from personal experience.  All around us was the costs of untreated mental illness.  As I tell people, you don’t choose when this stuff happens.  You don’t consciously choose partners that will do this kind of thing to you.  She had previously admitted to me that she was recreating the horrors of her childhood.  I know from personal experience just how painful that can be, and how critical it can be to have people there for you when you really need it.  My own issues with my previous partners had generated intense feelings of wanting to kill myself and I have voluntarily committed myself twice in the past.  The second time it happened to me, I had a couple of folks from the community show up every day to talk to me, which really helped my recovery time along.

Not too long after this Tayr and lovelyplaymate arrived.  Tayr started doing the super manly work of rehanging the door she had had to break through to get back in her house after her ex had changed the locks.  Lovelyplaymate cleaned and organized things with whirlwind efficiency.  I worked on the bedroom first, picking up papers, books, and laundry, stripping the bed, sweeping, and then moving the broken furniture pieces out to the curb with help.  Then I started some laundry, and began working on the kitchen.  At some point, I found my metamour running water in the sink, leaning forward, leaning on her hands which were under the water.  She was obviously holding back tears.  

Being the hugger I can be, I wrapped my arms around her, and quietly reassured her, reminding her that the situation was not her fault.  The tears came, and she sobbed deeply, for several minutes.  I held her against the sink, and my weight prevented her from collapsing onto the floor.  I’d previously had conversations with her about how she would benefit from releasing some of the pain that she has been carrying, so I was really delighted to see her finally able to let go of something serious.  Finally, she stopped crying, and said “I’m sorry,” with extreme vulnerability in her voice.  

“If there’s one thing that you can take away from today, I’d like it to be that you have nothing to be sorry for,” I replied.  “None of this is your fault.”

“I’ll try,” she said.  She was smiling, and mascara had run down her cheeks.  (Normally, that’s something that really gets my engine running, but fortunately I was spared that distraction in the moment.  Part of that was likely that she’s not a partner of mine.)

I got back to the business of cleaning up the kitchen, doing a load of dishes that had been stacked up in the sink.  Later we discovered that her ex had disconnected the dishwasher hose, which created a large puddle under the sink.  The destruction that mental illness can cause can seem so random and pointless in the moment.  She cleaned up the mess though, and took it in stride.

Eventually, after around three hours had passed, I hit my limit.  I was going to play at Voyagers, and I wanted to be in the emotional shape to do it.  That meant I was going to have to go home and do some emotional purging myself.

To wrap things up though, I invited everyone to participate in a brief cleansing ritual.  We stood in a circle, holding hands, and I briefly spoke about how I wished that our labor would be a healthy foundation for a healthier home in the future.  While I spoke the words, we hear her cat begin meowing talkatively in the distance upstairs.  I invited the others to say anything they wanted, but no one else spoke besides the cat.  However, both my metamour and lovelyplaymate remarked on the fact that they immediately felt a positive difference in the energy in the house.  Everyone was smiling.  

I considered my time very well spent.  So there you have it folks, twue domination.  Being there for someone who needs it, when they’re doubting themselves.  Doing laundry, picking up trash, and doing dishes.

Looking for Something Different

Around eight years ago, my involvement in kink opened a door for me that I can never close.  That door led to healing and recovery work in a way that was more demanding than I ever could have imagined before.  Since that time, my romantic relationships were dominated by recovery work around the clock.  This has not been because of any conscious choice on my part, rather it’s been because of where I was emotionally, and where my partners have been.  

In many ways, the results of this process have been enormously positive.  I now have friendships with a number of my exes that I remain emotionally intimate with, and I continue to do recovery work with them.  I’m grateful to have that kind of support in my life.  Furthermore, I’ve developed skills in healing that I’ll probably always be awed by.  I never thought I could be this good at anything, and I continue to get better at what I do.

In the past, I’ve followed emotional connections with people to my detriment to varying degrees.  I’ve paid the price for feeling too desperate to walk away from things that I would have benefitted from doing so.  On the flip side, it’s been a mandatory and unavoidable part of my recovery work, and I was going to have to face what those feelings regardless.  Sometimes, lessons can only come from the pain of suffering in a relationship.

Recently, things have taken a turn for the good in all of this, and part of that has been better boundaries on my part.  I’m also a lot less attached to feeling obligated to help other people with their recovery work when it is not a priority for them.  While I continue my own recovery work, lately it’s been nowhere near as consuming as it has been in the past.  My mood is up, and I’m increasingly able to enjoy what I’m doing.  Given what I have been through, and what is changing for me, it seems that I would benefit from a change in how I look for future partners.

As I’ve been telling people recently, the healing arts are a calling for me.  I suspect that I would do better to look for a woman who understands that perspective, and takes her own recovery work as seriously as I do.  I’m not attached to how old she is, what labels she wears, what she looks like, or what method of healing she’s drawn to.  I have no preconceptions as to what existing relationships she has, as long as she has space for more in her life.  I admit that I have no idea how to find someone of this description other than to ask for help.  So that’s what I’m doing here and now.

I’ve invested a heck of a lot of myself in the community over the years, but I’ve never really used it to network.  I think the time has come for me to embrace the fact that I will be able to give more to the community and be a better healer if I have a more stable foundation to work from.  Part of that is having an immediate family, which is something that I’m currently lacking.

I hope that I’ve made what I’m looking for relatively clear so that all of you that know me can keep an eye out for me.  It’s still challenging to put myself out there so bluntly, but I suspect it’s overdue.  I’m not doing anyone any favors by not going after what I really want, just as I would tell anyone else in my position.  Just as I have helped so many people make their dreams reality, please help me do the same.  Thank you.

Vulnerability is a Double Edged Sword That Everyone Must Play With

In my book, successful relationships create a place for vulnerability, on the part of both partners.  Top / bottom, Dominant / submissive, Master / slave, or even Switch / switch, all relationship structures or play roles are about wrapping a temporary or long term structure around emotional vulnerability.  While relationships create that space, and leave both partners feeling positive about the experience, it’s a successful dynamic.  

The overall kink scene, or whatever you would like to call us perverts, is inevitably a subset of society as a whole, and there are endless examples about how people will run from vulnerability.  Of course, there are people in the scene who do this as well.  I’ve done it myself in the past to varying degrees, but usually only for brief periods of time.  I tend to value vulnerability more than most people, both in myself and others.  However, I invite all of you reading this to consider the idea that vulnerability is something that is inherently cyclical.  

More often than not, vulnerability is place where emotions tend to flow intensely, powerful, and deeply.  The larger culture that we are a part of deeply emotion-phobic.  There are deep and wide display rules that most people take for granted.  These rules can prevent us from experiencing significant vulnerability anywhere as near as often as would benefit us.  Most people in our culture simply put their head down, and do their best to plow through an environment that is typically hostile to getting basic emotional needs met.  If you happen not to fit this description, more power to you.  Either way though, I invite you to integrate the idea that the most intense headspaces in a scene are generated by creating a space for vulnerability.

During my time in the scene, the best scenes I have participated in, and the best scenes that I’ve seen other people do, feature vulnerability.  It doesn’t always look the same.  Sometimes vulnerability can be playful, sometimes it involves surrendering what feels like almost all control over your mind and body.  Sometimes its a back and forth, razor’s edge struggle that no-one knows where it will end up.  Sometimes it even involves all three of these dynamics.  Regardless of how vulnerability shows up in a scene, though, that’s where people have the potential to connect most powerfully with themselves and their partner(s).

There’s nothing wrong with structuring a scene or your relationship to get your needs met.  If you do so, please also consider whether any structure you are putting into place is going to facilitate or inhibit your ability to be vulnerable.  There are going to be times and places where you may want to deliberately open space for vulnerability and the flow of emotions.  There may be other times and places where you want structure to inhibit that.  Too much vulnerability for too long can scare some people.  There are times when you’re going about your daily routine where too much vulnerability can get in the way of what you might be trying to accomplish.  Even when you’re putting structure into place to facilitate “getting shit done”, if you’re in a relationship, it’s probably going to benefit you to be mindful of the feelings that come up from any structure you might happen to have in place.  Ongoing communication about relationship structure is critical for maintaining a healthy relationship in the long term.  

Also, please recognize the limits of communication.  Communication is a means to an end.  It should facilitate change, and people getting their needs met.  If you find yourself having the same types of conversations without changed behavior over and over, then you’ve got a serious problem.  At the point where one or both parties stop being responsive to the needs of the other, you either have to close off the domain of the problem from your dynamic, or throw in the towel on the relationship as a whole.  Most of the time, people are not conscious of what is happening and why in these situations.  The lack of trust that this kind of situation exposes is potentially deadly to the long term health of the relationship as a whole.  The trust issues underlying this dead stop may be on the part of one party in particular, but more often, it exists on the part of both parties.  When one party is stonewalling another in a relationship, it means that they are carrying pain that they are not yet able to face.  Furthermore, the other party may be unconsciously attracted to this stonewalling behavior based on their past!

None of this is to say that one person can meet the needs of another person completely.  Rather, when parties are using labels and expressing intentions either implicitly or explicitly, and not honoring that reality, serious trouble is bound to follow.  I’ve faced my share of this in the past.  It can be excruciating to find yourself in a relationship with someone that you have placed a great deal of trust in becoming unresponsive to your needs.  When even your most basic attempts to engage them in a discussion about their behavior feel like they’re falling on deaf ears, the clock has already started ticking.  All too often in these kinds of situations, you can find yourself in some level of recreation of the dysfunctional family dynamics that you may have grown up with.  

As I’ve written elsewhere, the pursuit of vulnerability is a game of trust chicken.  Most of us have been in relationships where we’ve seen ourselves or another party flich.  The big problem here is that once the flinching starts, we’re probably already used to it from previous family of origin dysfunction, or other things we’ve been through.  Most people take the flinching for granted, and settle in to the compromise with the understable decision, conscious or otherwise, that they’re still getting some of their needs met.  The problem with this scenario is that the erosion of trust has begun, and is all too likely to lead to a rapid cascade of bad feelings on the part of both parties.  Most of us have seen other couples change from ga-ga-eyed lovers into worst enemies.  This is an understandable reaction to having your hopes dashed.  The thing is, though, is that flinching in the game of trust chicken is not something that either party chooses.  It’s something that happens because people are afraid, and hurt too much to let the pain come to the surface.  

I would hope that it would be a given for people to realize that getting help in these kinds of situations will benefit them enormously.  Too many people are avoidant of what they feel in these kinds of situations, and are overwhelmed by the fear, guilt, shame, anger, sadness, and other emotions that can come up when the people you love aren’t meeting your needs.  Seeking emotional healing can benefit you in these situations, not only because it can help you resolve the feelings causing some of the challenges, but also because they can support you by giving you an additional space where you can be vulnerable.  Having an additional relationship you consider trustworthy in these circumstances can make a very big difference.

If you happen to have deep feelings of worthlessness or despair that make you feel like you’ll never get your needs met, then you have even better reasons to be seeking external help.  The worse you feel, the more likely seeking external help will benefit you in the long run.  This does not mean that your path will be easy, but finding the help that will benefit you will certainly make a difference.

Can you ride out relationship problems in time?  Yes, it is possible.  However, I would have to say, it’s the exception rather than the rule.  If both of you have put on a “make-it work” hat, you have a chance of pulling it out.  You're most likely to be successful in resolving your issues when:

1. Both parties feel that the other person is fundamentally trustworthy

2. Both parties are feel that a positive resolution to their difficulties is possible

3. Both parties are actively pursuing and see value in some kind of emotional healing (either together or apart)

If any of these factors are missing, then your odds of saving your relationship are next to zero.  Being the survivor I am, I’ve hung in relationships for a very long time where all three of these principles were violated.  However, I didn’t feel good enough about myself to take any other action other than seeking external healing for myself.  I was stuck in the familiar pain of my partners, and was too depressed to escape until the pain became unbearable.  One of the reasons I’m writing this is the hope that others will learn from my mistakes.  I’m also reminding myself that I deserve a long term health dynamic that supports the vulnerability of both myself and my partner’s or partners’.  It can be very challenging when you’re facing emotional pain to find any clarity at all.

Finally, please realize that if you’re harboring deep pain, no single person is going to resolve all of your issues for you.  Regardless of how they identify or how much experience they might happen to have, it is both unreasonable and unrealistic to expect that one person will make all of your pain disappear for you.  There are behaviors that make it much more likely that you’ll be able to be able to maintain a rewarding relationship, though:

1. You have some kind of tools to pursue emotional healing that you consistently use on your own that work for you

2. You seek relationships with people who also value emotional healing

3. You and your partner(s) value space for vulnerability over the structure of your relationship

4. You spend more energy moving towards emotionally fulfilling experiences than you do running from past pain

For some people, it simply isn’t safe for them to do these things yet.  If you’re not yet at the point where you meet these criteria, please keep in mind that everyone has their own path to walk.  If you're having challenges taking care of yourself emotionally, then you want to be asking yourself what would make it safer for you to move in a direction where it’s more likely that you will be able to do so in the future.  If you’re reacting to what I’ve just said in anger or outrage of some sort, well, you have my sympathies.  I do hope at some point my perspective will make more sense to you.

I’m very conscious of the fact that people don’t choose their pain.  That doesn’t mean that I want the pain someone else is running away from to be the definitive force shaping my life or my relationship, though.  I’d much rather whatever relationships I have the opportunity to pursue were dominated by a positive exchange of my partner and I supporting each other in emotional fulfillment.  The details of how that is accomplished matter far less to me than my desire that it happens in a healthy frame towards an ongoing destinations of mutual satisfaction and joy.

I wish all of you reading this the best of luck in going after what you really want.  I hope you find the right path to the vulnerability that is going to fulfill you in positive ways.

Take your control dynamics and...

Control.  Such a pretty word for so many kinksters.  Merriam Webster’s defines control as: to cause (a person or animal) to do what you want.  

You may have seen me argue elsewhere that I don’t believe in Free Will.  I’m long gone in that department.  The evidence I encounter in daily life keeps on piling up against it.  Therefore, given that I already don’t believe in Free Will, how could I possibly believe that you could really control another person?  I don’t.  Instead, I believe that our lives are mostly deterministic in fashion, with the formulas running the show mostly hidden from view to make things interesting.

I’m a big believer in the Kappas fundamental fear model (he’s a famous hypnotherapist I’ve studied).  He says that there is the fear of emotional and physical abandonment on the one hand, and on the other, the fear of being hurt physically and emotionally.  This is to say that people are fundamentally driven by fears.  In other words, control is an illusion that can only be maintained by playing to people’s fears.  I’m increasingly finding that I do the opposite.  Instead of playing to people’s fears, I’m a catalyst that creates the space where people’s worst fears come flying at me, leaving the people behind happier and healthier than they were.

Control is a dynamic that will be logically favored by those that fear abandonment more than being hurt.  It’s something that people crave that fear the loss of connection so intensely, they need something to fill the gap.  Now, to their credit, there are a lot of people who do their best out there to make control dynamics positive.  However, on the flip side, there are also people on both sides of the slash that ignore the opportunity that exists for personal growth, and instead use it for game playing that can easily devolve into something that feels abusive for one or both parties.  There’s nothing wrong with a good game or a good mindfuck when people are open to it and have the right supporting environment to go through it in.

Some people in the scene ask for control explicitly.  For me, this is a warning flag.  This is because they have some expectation for some kind of abstract or concrete dynamic already in their head, rather than anything that I’m going to explicitly do to them.  Allegedly, submissives and slaves are there to serve and do what they are told to varying degrees, and one would expect communication flow back and forth about so that both parties can get their needs met.  Furthermore, that dynamic of willing acceptance is part of what generates the headspaces that are most satisfying and meaningful for people.  That’s not to say that control dynamics can’t also generate intense and pleasurable headspaces, but you have to wonder about the legacy of doing that in the long term.

I’m happy to play around with control in a scene, and with installing positive patterns in a healing frame, and those are things I can do all day long when people are open to it.  However, when you’ve already got expectations about what your control dynamics are going to be like, that has the potential to create disappointment.  Now, admittedly, I’ve had many partners tell me that I wildly exceeded their expectations in terms of what I’ve been able to do for them.  However, the partners that I’ve had that were most interested in control dynamics have had the most issues with taming their demons.

When you think about it, control is the opposite of intimacy.  It’s ultimately about doing what you feel you have to out of fear, whether that’s consciously or not.  Now, of course, there’s always fear that everyone has about the loss of intimacy.  On the other hand, that’s not my game.  I’m all about helping people identify and face down their worst fears so that they can purge them and be happier and healthier as a result.  

While there are scenarios where you can use control in order to evoke fears, that’s really not my style, and I can evoke those fears much more quickly and efficiently with other methods like hypnosis.  Time and time again, I have had people go primal on me and had to physically restrain them while they went through the agony of the truth of what has happened to them in the past.  When my timing has been slightly off, I’ve suffered severe clawing and a broken rib, among other things.  People often focus on the risks to parties on one side of the slash, but Dominants take their share of risks as well.  I think that fact is seriously underappreciated by many in the scene.  I’ve been very grateful that people have let me bottom for them given that I have PTSD and have some serious martial arts training.  

Can control be used to work someone who “needs” it into a healthier place in the long term?  Absolutely, and I appreciate the people in the scene who have the patience to do that.  However, that’s not the name of my game.  I’m all about direct interaction with the other than conscious mind, and calling out the truth one relentless step at a time as people are ready for it.  Throughout this process, I’m building a platform under the person so that they can stand up a little taller, and face the next hard truth about themselves and the rest of humanity that they’re a part of.  The way that you do that is with trust.

Merriam Webster’s definition of trust is: “assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.”  There’s that word again, truth, which is my department as a healer.  Truth and trust underlies everything I do.  Most harshly, healing methods typically expose the lack of control on the part of the individual.  Can reexperiencing that lack of control be beneficial?  Absolutely.  I’ve pushed myself there repeatedly in the past in order to heal some of the worst pain I’ve carried over the years.  However, there’s a difference between facing that in intermittent scenes, and making it a core part of your relationship.  When you invite control dynamics into the core of your relationship, it essentially means that you’ve got some deep fears that you’re asking for explicit management on every day.  Furthermore, the nature of the intimacy paradox that affects relationships is that the closer you become, and the longer the relationship tends to go on, the deeper the fears that you have to face.  That means that you have a problem area you are explicitly avoiding from early on in the relationship that is very likely to get worse with time.  

As I’ve already mentioned, I’m about helping people resolve their fears, not about helping them avoid them.  If you’re ready for more peace of mind and body, I’ll be wildly enthusiastic about you getting it every step along the way, as long as we walk that path together.  I’ve walked people into and back out of their own personal hells on so many occasions now I can’t even begin to count.  Doing so requires being able to stare down people’s darkest misconceptions about themselves, and show them the logical inconsistencies inherent in their fears that seek to deceive them.

Yes, I will show you what trust is built on.  Yes, I will give you truth.  But the truth is I can not control you, nor can anyone else.  Only your fears can do that.  You can only walk your path wherever it takes you, and if you’re open to healing, of course I will give it to you.  That is my nature: to help you discover yours.

Greetings!

I hope that I am both old and ugly enough to qualify for your interests. I'm sure that I will impress you with my lack of manners and disregard for personal and emotional boundaries from my first message.

This will, of course, result in you developing a great state of awe of my personal abilities, so that I can treat you with contempt, and act out all my deviant fantasies on you. It will remain unspoken that these fantasies are actually a result of my own fears, insecurities, and lack of love for myself.

During the course of our relationship, I will become increasingly emotionally withdrawn and erratic. I will refuse to seek out any help for any of my irrational and self destructive behavior, and most importantly, I will blame you for all of our problems.

The play we will engage in will feature degradation and humiliation, after which I will withhold aftercare and affection and I will tell you you have not performed well enough. This will trigger your own emotional issues that attracted you to me in the first place.

If you are brave enough to seek outside assistance after the efforts I have made in emotionally isolating you, I will threaten to break off our relationship and criticize whatever support, comfort, or advice you might happen to find elsewhere. The objective of this behavior is to make sure that you have as little trust for yourself as I do.

I look forward to exploring in exquisite detail how I can externalize my own issues and hold you captive within an emotional vortex that results in the profound mutual suffering and hopelessness that is so familiar to both of us from our childhoods which we have repressed.

Twuely yours in kink,

Hypnogeekling

Why would you use your hypnosis skills in kink?

Probably most people don't think of hypnosis as a people skill. However, it is inherently a humanistic thing; it's about all of us and how we work which has lots of everyday applications reaching far beyond kink. It seems rather silly to me that you wouldn't want to use what you know about people regardless of what the context might happen to be. Furthermore, some people find the feeling of relaxation in hypnosis inherently pleasurable and erotic. And then there are always those who have mind control as a fetish...

What's so dang special about erotic hypnosis, anyway?

Like a lot of things, the initial answer is that it depends. However, almost all of the people I have ever met have better access to their unconscious in some sort of trance state than not. For most people, the difference is immediate and dramatic. The beautiful thing about the unconscious is that it knows us better than ourselves by definition. This also means that in most cases, you have direct access to pleasure centers, inhibitions, and a lot more information and sensations than in a conventional state of mind. That's not to say that you have free access to everything; hypnosis is not mind control. However, people can easily do all sorts of things in trance that they are not used to thinking of being within their conscious capacity.

Well, okay, that sounds great, but isn't hypnosis hard to do?

Actually, the biggest problem most people have with getting into a hypnotic state is that they don't recognize it when it happens, because most people spend most of their lives in trance! Similarly, the biggest problem that most beginning hypnotists have is that expect it to be much more difficult than it actually is. (Stage fright can be another factor.) Most people have had the experience of reading a good book or seeing a good movie, and the rest of the world goes away for a while why they become totally absorbed in the experience. That's what hypnosis is like. It's a slightly different state of mind and focus.

So what do YOU like to do with erotic hypnosis?

Me? Well, if you've already read my profile, you've probably noticed that I'm more of a service top than anything else. That means that generally speaking, I like to take people where they already want to go. But in terms of specific activities, some of the things I enjoy giving people orgasm triggers so that they can come on command, giving people erotic dreams, doing all different sorts of sensation play, doing guided fantasies, and training people to experience deeper and more profound erotic pleasure, among a lot of other things. Along the way, I take a lot of satisfaction from shattering people's preconceptions about what is and is not possible with hypnosis.

Oh come on, what are some of the juicier bits?

Alright, alright! Yes, I have been known to mentally connect women’s mouths with their vaginas so that they get that extra thrill when they go down on me. I also have given women an “orgasm enhancer” trigger that they can say that increases the pleasure of their orgasm. Yes, that’s extra fun for people who enjoy some control. Me: “Be mine.” Orgasm. Them: “Yes, please!” Stronger orgasm. (Are we having fun yet?) For those who enjoy mindfucks and are service oriented, I have them clean up or organize something in the house and forget about it, with instructions to ask me about it and then remember so that I can see their facial expression. For those who have mind control and / or drugging fantasies, I will use a either imaginary drugs (like sprinkling warm water on them) or a “mind control helmet” to wipe out their resistance and replace it with sexual arousal and a desire to please. As always, for me, it’s about taking people where they want to go. And yes, some people are interested in some rather unusual places...

Are there any long term benefits to erotic hypnosis?

Of course! There have been lots of studies showing that hypnosis helps people stay more relaxed leading to long term health benefits. SImilarly, more studies show that people that have more orgasms and a more enjoyable sex life are healthier and happier. However, for people who are really committed to exploring, there are a lot more possibilities that open up. Many healers have written about how exploring your sexuality can lead to benefits that cascade into your vanilla life. Erotic hypnosis is a powerful tool that allows people to explore what their bodies are capable of without having to seek out extreme physical stimuli. (Of course, for those of you that like extreme physical stimuli, more power to you!)

My Attraction to Kink

Ticking away in the unconscious mind exists the relentless clockwork of evolutionary truth. It defines who we are as human beings, calling into question some of the deepest held values of western civilization.  Socrates said, “the life which is unexamined is not worth living.”  It is one thing to don a philosopher’s hat and pontificate on the nature of good, evil, and evolution.  It is another thing entirely to make the emotional journey into one’s own personal pain and darkness and experience it with all of its power within oneself.

It takes this kind of knowledge and perspective to be able to carry people into their darkest fears and out the other side, stronger than before.  Many people may say that they have been to hell and returned to tell the tale.  It is another thing entirely to have gone to hell, and to choose to return exclusively for the purpose of personal transformation.  Some of those who have chosen this path go on to guide others.  I am one of the rare people to whom the highest pleasure is being present for those who wish to experience their own personal growth crucible.

For me, kink and the lifestyle lie at the center of these kinds of phenomena.  When I first found kink, I had no idea who I was or why I was really attracted to it.  It was only through my process of personal exploration with my partners that some of the deepest answers about the nature of who I was finally emerged, and emerged with a vengeance.  Kink rapidly became the most critical tool of my own personal transformation.  I grasped the tool with unconscious longing, having no idea of the potential consequences of what I was about to experience.  From extensive conversations with others in the lifestyle, my experience seems to be far from unique in that regard, although I did seem to be an outlier in terms of the intensity of my experience, for reasons which would later become obvious.

Given how compelling and profound the process of personal transformation was for me, I found its gravity irresistible.  I was drawn to study psychology, zen, buddhism, shamanism, reiki, hypnotherapy, and Neuro-Linguistic Programming, all in search for answers about what I was experiencing.  Even at the earliest stages of my studies, I found other people were drawn to me for my perspective and the value my personal experience had for them.  

Many people benefit from my style of play even though they might not share my interest in personal transformation.  Often, in guiding people into the intensity that they are seeking, the opportunities for change present themselves.  I continue to ride the thrill of turning the theoretically possible into reality before people’s eyes.  Many people have observed that I have been instrumental in breakthroughs with a significant number of my previous play partners.
Helping people through intensity tends to lead to a profound sense of connection for both parties.

Admittedly, my interests have made finding long term partners an ongoing challenge for me.  Given how hard I continue to push myself in seeking change and transformation, very few people have been comfortable enough to walk the path with me.  On my particular path, transformation has meant facing down flashbacks on a daily basis from moderate to severe intensity going on eight years now.  Even those who understand that the flashbacks are part of the healing process and an very positive sign of healing and desensitization can get burned out by what I am going through far too regularly.

A lot of people have asked me questions about the classes I teach, so here is my current list:

Calibrated Consent

The issue of "consent" is the core the surrounds all that we do. But have you considered the unspoken realities and touchy issues around consent in authority dynamic relationships? Come explore different authority styles to apply in your life and make your consent fully informed.

Evolve your Headspace and Sexuality

Headspace, or state of mind, is the dominant force in determining how satisfying your love and sex life can be. Are you getting the sex you want and does it feel as good as you want? Learn about what evolutionary theory says about sexuality and use that information to get much more of what you want together.

Basic Erotic Hypnosis

Curious about hypnosis as you’ve seen it in movies on the web? This class will cover fundamental aspects of hypnosis, safety, and the induction process. You will learn the two different major types of hypnotic subjects and how to customize your language for them. Two hypnotic inductions will be taught along with an overview of erotic activities to explore on your own.

Sensation Play with Hypnosis

Hypnosis can expand the experience of kinky play well beyond the direct physical sensations of your toy bag. Whether in or out of a formal scene context, you can open your subject to whatever touch or fantasy you can imagine. This class will give you hands-on practice with several hypnotic techniques that will expand your idea of what is possible in kinky play.

Hypnosis and Spirituality

Are you curious about the relationship between hypnosis and spiritual phenomena? Examine the relationships involved in meditation, shamanic states, experiences from substances, subspace / topspace / painspace, guided imagery, and past life regressions to gain a deeper understanding of your mind/spirit connection and how hypnosis can work within your spirituality.

Kink and Abreactions: What to do when things go “wrong”

Kinky play can bring up unexpected complications, which can include phenomena many people have never seen before. Familiarize yourself with some of the unusual things that can happen in any kind of kink play, and learn how to respond in ways that will give you the best results.

Hypnosis to De-Stress

Take a mental vacation and pack a tool with you that requires no baggage fee! Learn basic hypnosis techniques you can take anywhere to help you de-stress and get focused on what you really want. Increase your mood and productivity and be able to take life’s bumps in stride.

I've talked with a bunch of people in the lifestyle about the healing potential of BDSM, and I thought a couple of scenes I did recently were a good illustration of this, so here's a write up.

Background

A couple of weekends ago, I had the good fortune to meet Ms. Purple. I subbed to her at a scene at Voyagers this past weekend. Even though I'm living in Houston at the moment, I was in Austin then.

Our scene together at Voyagers was powerful. Even in the casual conversation before we decided to scene together it was very obvious that the two of us had energy that was going to work together. I went into the scene with her knowing that I was going to trigger, and that I was going to let some of the pain from my past abuse out. I'm not sure that she understood how powerful a scene it was going to be, or how prepared emotionally I was to go where I needed to go. I don't remember much about the scene... but I cried on the cross for her, for myself, for my past, which was exactly what I have been wanting to do for a very long time. She took good care of me, checking in with me several times, and yet, she also made sure that I got to that breakthrough moment.

Ms. Purple and I spent the rest of that evening together, and I did what might be called "light service" for her. Nothing extraordinary, just a few things like getting her drinks, rubbing her feet while we sat in the living room area having conversations with other people, carrying her toybag to the car. I did these acts of service without prompting, mostly because it just felt right at the moment, given the context of a BDSM play party. But the astonishing thing to me was and remains the lack of resentment and freedom with which I performed these acts. It was radically unlike how I’ve felt in my family in the past.

As I continued to serve Ms. Purple throughout the following week, I've continued my small acts of service, mostly because I've basked in her approval and enjoyment of these little things. I can't claim to be super-conscientious about what I'm doing... I do my best to remember to help her with her coat, open doors for her, just little things. Sometimes I simply don't remember because being with her brings so much into my mind so quickly.

Throughout the next few days, we had the honor of doing some incredibly deep healing work together. Some of you out there may know the extent of my healing skills and work in the community. However, even given all my experience, I was still humbled by her willingness to face extreme pain to reach the goal of healing, and to go there repeatedly with me at her side.

The Big Scene

Even though we had that foundation of the previous few days to build from... I was humbled yet again a few nights later. I don't consider myself terribly experienced in the S/M part of the lifestyle, as I have only scened a few times. However, I have always known the potential existed for doing deep healing work with BDSM. This was the first time I experienced it first hand at the level I knew was possible, though.

I offered to cook dinner for Ms. Purple, and Q., a play partner of mine, with the intent of seeing if we could have a scene together. So I cooked some stir fry for both of them, and we talked. After dinner, Q. and Ms. Purple went through a toybag together, and talked a little about its contents...and there were no toys out of bounds for Q. bottoming to Ms. Purple.

So Ms. Purple began to top Q., as I sat to the side, handing her her various toys as she worked her over. Ms. Purple flogged Q. for the first time, which was certainly a hit, given how much she enjoyed it. She continue to push onward, using different implements, working into some heavy breathing. Eventually she grabbed a couple of brusiedsub's canes, and we both began working her over together. Not long afterward, we hit that point of painspace that Q. enjoys so much. I put down my cane and held Q.'s hands while she cried, while Ms. Purple continued caning at a much lower level of intensity. Once the crying was over, we got out some massage lotion, and rubbed her down together.

We talked together a little about what had happened as Q. came down, and she took a moment to admire her marks in her mirror. (She likes bruises and had playfully displayed her existing ones to us during dinner.)

Then it was my turn. I stripped down to my underwear, and lay on the bed. It just took a few hits with the flogger before I was crying, and a few more before I was screaming into the pillow I already had. It was pain I just needed to get out... so I screamed for maybe a couple of minutes straight... but the intensity was quite high, even on my own scale of things. Ms. Purple held and rocked me as I cried. But that was nothing compared to what happened next.

I had done some healing work with Q. the previous week which was still in purgatory as it were. She had identified some intense feelings of resentment and anger towards her father, but had not been able to really process it with me. Earlier, the three of us had talked about this outstanding stuff.

When I came out of my first round of flashbacks, I asked Q. if she was ready to yell at me as though I was her father. She hesitated, unsure... but Ms. Purple stepped in and began encouraging her, offering her her own words... egging her on. Q. said a few words...and finally the anger came... the words came.

...and I went into the second round of flashbacks, more intense than the first. I don't remember exactly what she said, only that it fit with things that we had talked about together before. And I took the anger... and I went deeper into my pain, letting more surface... screaming more than I had before, more intensely. Once again, Ms. Purple rocked me while I screamed. I don't think it went on for more than a couple minutes at most... and when it was over, Ms. Purple wrapped us up together in a blanket together. I held Q. and thanked her for yelling at me, for helping me heal.

Once we’d taking some cuddle time, it was time for me to massage Ms. Purple, as she had previously requested. So I rubbed down her back by putting my weight into it, and then switched positions and did the same for her legs. We got to a point where she was ready to flip over, and I started to massage her thighs, gently. However, I was watching her facial expression, and it was immediately obvious to me that it was triggering something more than expected.

We talked briefly... and she told me that she was close to a flashback. Given that she had already hit a flashback like that before with me, she decided to go into it, and I held her while she screamed and cried, and Q. held her from the other side. After the memories receded, we all cuddled some more. We talked about what went on, and Q. commented that she was starting to get some idea about the healing potential of BDSM.

Replay

The scene went so well, that we got together again a few days later on Valentine’s day. Mostly, we just repeated what we did before... with a few modifications. Before we even got started, Ms. Purple’s shoulder was hurting, and I helped her with a little hypnosis work to get to the root cause of it. Once that was out of the way, Ms. Purple topped Q. again, to similar effect.

When it was my turn to bottom, Ms. Purple did a few more hits than the previous time, until I curled up into a fetal position, screaming even more intensely than I did before. Once again, Ms. Purple rocked me, and that was followed by cuddling. Once again, after the first wave, Q. yelled at me, causing me to trigger even more intensely than before.

Afterward, Ms. Purple challenged us to flog her, seemingly expecting that no one was up to it. However, I responded with a casual, “sure!”, and grabbed Xena, her large custom made flogger, and going to it. I started off gentle, but “harder!” she insisted, more than once. So I did, escalating intensity with each stroke, until suddenly, she twisted to the side a bit. I paused. “What’s your safeword?” I asked, with more intensity than I had originally intended. However, the tone in my voice seemed to push her over, and the flashback came... this time it was a flashback about being beaten by a previous partner who liked to further injure old injuries of hers.

I held her, and we all cuddled together.