ethergogo

This is not about one event. but many events lately inspired this. Things that personally happen to me and ones I have had to watch unfold or hear about....

I hate confrontation (I do everything to avoid it). Even more, I hate anger and hate and holding onto awful emotions. I have never really held on to these emotions except for 2 or so times for any length of time and even then it was more hurt and violation more than anything else. In the long run those few times did more damage to me and destruction.

What do you get for holding a grudge? or hate? or anger? You are hurting yourself just as much if not more than someone else did to you.

Most things if we talk about it that day and I will go to bed and the next day I will feel released and I can move on. Occasionally but not often I need a day or two. And rarely I need lots of time to move past something.

Why do we forgive? Is it for us or for the person that did you wrong or both? An apology is nice but is it really needed for you to be able to forgive? I don't always need the apology but a heartfelt apology sometimes changes the outcome after I forgive.

Forgiving to me is just a step of moving on and getting past an incident. It is releasing the negative energies. I am not saying forgive and go back to the way things were. It is forgiving past actions, have the release and make appropriate decisions to move on.

I can forgive someone and move on. Doesn't mean they still need to be in my life, but I can't keep hurting myself by holding onto negative emotions. It is a learning experience and why hold that negativity to prolong that learning experience. move on and experience some better things. Make things happy and right for you.

One of the two major incidents that I took a long time for me to let go and forgive was a major violation. One person did something but it could have been prevented if the other people that it happened to stepped up and said something instead of covering it up or just up and leaving. Not only did I have that darkness in me for the person that did it but the people that let things continue. That was a long and hard journey. Things still trigger feelings but they rarely happen anymore. but I wish I learned what I did earlier and forgave and moved on earlier. How much easier life would have been and less destruction to my life would have been created. I chose not to see or speak to any people really involved in that. One in the last couple years that could not take me talking so freely about what happened to me and was quite mean to me about it. I forgave him and prayed for him cause he does not see what this anger does to him and his family and I wish he would be able to move on as well. After all, he is family. I no longer speak to him but I do occasionally think of him and pray that he finds peace. I forgive myself as well that I had to take time to get past this and forgive myself that I didn't handle it in the best ways as well plus I had to understand that I was so much younger when it started so out of my league.

The other major incident was the end of my marriage. I was in a bad place at that time. And I was verbal about parts of it. I wish I wasn't. I am use to me to internalizing things till I explode. I guess that is what I did...explode. I try to remember that mistake and keep from making it again. I tried to keep as much as possible away from mutual friends though that ended up not always being able to happen. I made mistakes and he made mistakes. Some things got to be very known while some things were kept private. I am still truly sorry for things becoming public. I am sorry to the community for having been put in that position. I try to keep that from happening again. The only time I was public about something after that was to keep someone that was being admitting being a predator among the people in the community (he was continuing this with people here at the time and I was not the first one) and once that was known I kinda just let things go. But I forgive the people that hurt me at the end of my marriage, though I know they don't want to speak to me, I respect that and I don't need to go talk to them to let them know. I am sure they might know. I respect their boundaries. We go to the same events and I keep it as pleasant as possible. I don't put them in a position to have to speak to me and let them have their space. We can peacefully coexist and I believe we do so well now. I forgive their actions against me and I am sorry for my actions against them. Everything that happened was bad communications or bad reactions and hurt feelings. Not of one person but all parties. I hope they moved past it as I have. I don't want them to have negativity as well. You can't change the past but you can influence the future. Last weekend, after I was denied going to a party with my friends where I was left behind because they were going, I even stuck up for my ex husband in a conversation with someone that said something negative towards him. I am like this is crazy but this is shows how well I have moved on and have forgiven the past. I hope he feels the same way for his own benefit as well. Cause he doesn't deserve that pain.

You don't need an apology from someone to let go of your anger. Waiting is just holding yourself back. It's an excuse to keep yourself in a dark place, stagnant and not moving forward. Why willingly do that to yourself. I am not saying forgive and move on like nothing happened. Forgive and make an informed decision on how to move forward. Do you forgive a friend and continue your friendship without that grudge or is it not right to continue on the way things have been? It is ok to forgive and know that you cannot do things the same way or end a friendship. Sometimes it is just the way things are.

Well before I keep getting off track the whole point is that we cannot change the past but we can control how we move on forward and why sully that and making it harder by holding on to negative feelings. Things happen, you learn and you move on. Hopefully smarter and stronger and sometimes a little stranger.

Thank you for reading. I hope I got my point across the way I intended it to be.

*edit- regarding my exhusband. I am happy to attend the same things as him. I am not going to bother him or talk to him or make anyone uncomfortable. I don't want a scene nor want one. Honestly I will do anything to prevent one. As some of you see at munches. I have even been in the same circle at the same time talking with the same people, I refrain from speaking to him out of respect to him and the people with us. So please do not ignore me for this. And if you have an issue please tell me. Yeah my feelings will be hurt but I would rather someone be honest with me and will respect it.

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Today was the end of a very busy week (weeks). I actually only have one planned thing next week well other than my doctor appointment to schedule a surgery. I shot photos 4 days this week and been thoroughly beaten and needled. I am trying to pretend that my arms aren't bruised up from the week and acting like my body is not one entirely abused thing and moving doesn't hurt. Though that is hot having to pretend I am normal but just touching my collarbone just shoots pain through me. I find if I am standing around in public that I just finding ways to touch my collarbone. I am a hugger yet it is so painful to hug right now. My brother hugged me today and it was so painful though funny.

I cried so much today. I woke up in a sad mood, I hate ending painful situations and my feelings were hurt. But I guess I really had no choice after everything was revealed. I can't be something that I am not for someone. I am pretty straight forward of what I want and how I am. I am not going to be someone's girl for the sake of being someone's girlfriend. Till the day that happens I am going to have fun. If that means I play with 2 or 3 people then so be it. I don't hide it, I don't lie. I don't want someone who wants me to change. I am fine with who I am. I can't change who I am deep down.

I also need to not allow someone who can't rub backs learn on mine. because the whole thing across under my shoulder blades is extremely painful. It kills me to move or if someone hugs me. It is painful moving my arms which I had to be active today taking event pictures.

I need to heal a little bit. I think.

I also cried at an event I photographed today. Taking pictures through tears is a little difficult. Never had to do that before. For over a decade I raised service dogs. Never been to a graduation. I also have done volunteering with service dogs for the past 6 years while not raising a dog. Today 4 veterans graduated service dog school and now fully paired with their dogs. It was so touching and beautiful that I kept crying. I was emotionally and physically wiped when I came home today. Passed out while the guys picked up pizza and almost fell asleep watching We Bought A Zoo.

I am going to try stay up a little longer before I pass out

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I am amused that I have been so loquacious lately. I have written a lot. Which to me amazes me since I always feel that I am so bad at it. That is not even counting for what I have written and not posted. Though those things were probably too private. Ha! Too private for me being accused of saying too much. I say a lot but I also don't say a lot. Then there is a couple people that I feel that I can admit some of my crazier stuff that I have not been able to admit before. Though now that I started it has been a little easier to do so.

Though I do struggle on a regular basis as what is too far to post online. I struggle on what is too much to say on family invaded social networks, what is too much to say on my blog, what is too much to say in front of a vanilla, what is too much to say on here.

As I said on someone else's blog that there is something beautiful about brutal honesty yet there is something sexy about something mysteriousness of when people don't talk about stuff. Though is there an ability to have something beautiful and sexy down the middle.

Are people saying too much because it hits some exhibitionist side that turns them on. Is fucking in a public not enough or wearing your butt plug as you do your errands not enough either that talking about them to a vast audience getting you off. Ok really this post isn't about other people's kinks or why they are doing it. Which is kind of a hobby to study people and break down behaviors and predicting the likely hood of other things. This today is about me.

So I recently made a remark lately that I masturbated and there was a reason behind it that some of my friends know that it is fine enough to share with friends but not fine to post that part publicly. I was sitting here wondering why something so normal that we all do it at some point caused an issue. Or is it cause I said it because I have friends that mention masturbation and it isn't treated like a big thing. Oh though I will not even talk about my masturbation yesterday because that one WAS insanely personal and extremely hot.

I also wonder that why that topic that was too much. I talk about worse stuff. I talk about weird fascination of intubations or forced feed tubes especially if it is paired with vintage medical equipment or settings. Just typing it out makes my vagina twinge. I also keep getting worse on my talks about my fascination on the dead or where they have been. I am not talking about necrophilia (though I am not judging if it is your thing). I am talking about fucking on top of human bones and open graves or in a hearse that is currently and actively being used to transport the dead or in a coffin or in a morgue. Lately it has been joked as one step away from necrophilia. At the moment I am looking up things on Ether part on fascination and the fact it was used on me this week during interrogation play. I oddly liked the smell of it.

I am sitting here in the middle of the night cause I woke up with a issue I had from a play session that is plaguing me and then I have the issue is do I post my question online for opinion or is that another too much information. Though lately almost all my play has been not a sexual thing. Is it something I want to discuss. Sometimes writing things out clears my head and sometimes hearing feedback gives me a different perspective that I haven't thought before because I am too involved with it.

Another reason for this post is that my partner in crime has an odd object in his house. It being there sometimes freaks people out. I have just touched it or hell even licked it and watched someone freak out. But we were sitting there one night talking waiting for it to be time to pick up his girl and we came up with this fucked up idea based on a high school illustration I did and the thought of applying it to this object. I said I just had to do it for science! and art! and it would just be plain fucked up to do. I really don't want to say what it is because if I decide to post the picture I don't want any warning to it. Though I have had this policy with my photos of me that I don't care if I show off pretty much my body but I never show vagina. It is kinda personal and I don't need to have to show things off like a penis entering me or stuff like that. but this picture shows my vagina but it is so funny and messed up that I so want to show this picture off. There was a couple witnesses. Actually we were waiting for everyone to show up for this Dexter kill room themed photo shoot and I was like curled up with a kitty and everyone was sitting around and I was like we should do this before the rest of the crowd shows up and the room gets bloody. So we all go out for this photo op. And it was funny. Even better because Ne0nstardust and Truesight arrive while it is happening and I was like please don't let Truesight all the way into the garage so he doesn't see my vagina and I was laughing too hard trying to make the picture. Sometimes disturbing things make me laugh even funnier that there is just a piece of plastic shielding me from the world in an open garage.

Now I just been debating with myself. Do I post it though it violates the no vagina pictures? Or is it one of those things that it is disturbing that people have to show their friends so it will be seen by tons of people? I don't think I care if it seen by tons of people that I randomly fear that my family would be exposed to it. (Though they know about me and the lifestyle and stuff, I still shield them from a lot of it even though they do know about it. I don't think they need to hear about it more than once or twice.) Is this picture just a little bit (ok a lot) overkill? I like to mess with people in my own way and that was the inspiration and the fact it is messed up. I just am debating heavily if I should do it or not. I know I can. I just am debating if I should.

Another thing I was wondering about typing about a recent experience and the feelings it produced. It is nothing sexual but it is not like it was really personal either. I just never talk in depth about a scene on here but I would like to hear some opinions or help myself work itself out by maybe being able to think of it from another angle. I talked about this with another bottom and the person I scened with but it still messing with my head. And I would like to get this straight in my head before we do this type of scene again cause it was hot. I also want it to be better than what it was even though it was good for being short.

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Don't forget to tell people in your life why you think they are amazing or the joy they bring to you.
...you never know what little things affect a person's soul.

Lately I think things that have made me happiest lately. As I curl up in bed last night I texted that last night to myself that I would remember. I was talking to a good friend via text since I knew I was so worn down but couldn't sleep and I knew most likely they would be awake too. This friend has made me feel amazingly happy lately. It is the friendship and partner in crime that I have missed. I still cannot believe that I knew this person for so long and thought they were cool but not know how amazing they are. The thing I love about them most are the little things they say to me that make me warm and fuzzy and feel special. It is sometimes the silliest little things in texts and in our conversations. but is that not the important things in life? The little things.

The big picture can be messy and confusing. It's the little things that matter so much. Even if the little thing is just some silly little thing a friend says to you.

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This week I mentioned on a personal post something that I meant as amusement was taken the wrong way by someone. Please don't think wrong of that person. She is a very lovely person and 1 of the reasons I felt welcomed as I did in this community. She apologized and really took the time to write me something nice. We all have our opinions and have a right to express them. We all at some point express them in a less than stellar way. I think that was a moment for her because honestly my experience of her even though was a long while ago does not match up with that. Thank you for the people that gave me a positive message after that because it did help me feel better.

The rest of this is a slightly modified, partial response to the email she wrote me. But as I wrote this it struck me as something meaningful that I wanted to share:

Though I was overly eager over a photo shoot I have planning for over a year and a half which also put me in a good mood for a post like that. My close friends and I have had a conversation going about masturbation and some really private things dealing with it. I was being a smart ass when I commented on masturbation in a status update. It was a celebration of overcoming a personal issue and I knew that my friends would laugh at it and understand what it meant though some people that did not know might take it as an over share or be like so what.

Since my several month hiatus, I just been posting a lot but I don't base my judgement on how a stranger perceives everything. If someone judges me on my jokes or snippets then clearly they aren't worth knowing. I am not hiding who I am hoping someone will want to look deeper look. I am who I am. People can take it or leave it. If some idiots want to email me and hit on me then so be it. I do what I always do. I reply to 99% of my emails. I let them know I am not interested and I hope they realize that their creepy techniques is not going to get them a quality person but to each their own.

*People know me for every 10 things I say that there are 20 things that I am not.
*They know that they can talk to me about anything and when someone else asks for that information that they are going to hear me say that I was told something personal and it is not my place to share their information and best come from them. Which I say very, very often.
*That when someone is hurt or sad that I take the time to know what they are feeling because I want to be there for them.
*I am loyal and I bend over backwards to help a friend.
*I will bake cookies or make a little stuffed doggie bone to show my appreciation or my affection or just so I can see a smile on their face. Or make them a special Dr Who composition book that is based off things they have said for a bday present
*I hug everyone because I believe everyone needs to have a moment to feel special or loved.
*That I may have a rope play person, a needle play person, a pet play person, a person to beat me senseless or blah blah blah (not saying if I have a different person for each one or not but that is not the point)- That they are there cause we are real good friends and there is that connection in friends that makes that relationship unique though it probably doesn't contain a sexual one; it is truly special to me.
*I base my relationships based on friendships. I may share snippets of it but they know that I only play with real special people and I don't share the special talks done in private.
*I will never ridicule someone for being different or having different opinions or their own special kinks. I am open to all kinds of people and thoughts.
*I don't hold onto anger and I rather forgive and move on (while sometimes in that the friendship/relationship may or may not change as result. Change is inevitable but the feelings you hold onto can hurt you and the people you care about. I have forgiven some messed up things. I have never felt bad for forgiving someone.)
---These are the things that people tell me that converse with me on at least semi-regular basis. If the people that are getting to know me or know me; have these thoughts of me then I don't care what the other people think. Cause I have plenty of good, quality people that are in my life just because in my community they noticed what was great about me and reached out. That the morons that try aren't worth getting upset about.

In actuality, since I have opened up and became open about things that I am so much happier and the bonus was the bad people in my life weeded themselves out in my way of doing things plus good people entered too and the great friends I had stayed great friends. So if I am happy, the wrong people left my life, and I have amazing friends then I don't see what is wrong in the way I am doing things. I don't tell people how they need to live or to do their kink or what to believe cause everyone is unique and different approaches work for different people.

I am also giving a similiar disclaimer as I did in the email. I have been going nonstop for 48 hours and I just got home at midnight so this is the first time I have been home since early tuesday. I hurt myself, had an amazing scene experience, got to know someone awesome, got to know some friends better, shot the most amazing photo shoot that I have ever done, I am so sore, I am mentally and physically tired. Though I would not take any of this back cause it was so worth it....
*I may have not fully and correctly expressed my opinion as I wanted so take it with a grain of salt. There also may not be fully coherent or I might have babbled at some point

You are pushy, even when you barely know me.

Your first message to me is a generic copy and paste job you send to every single female you come across.

Your first message to me is you telling me I would a) better serve you by being on my knees and naked, or b) be smart to address you as Sir or Lord.

Your first message to me includes a pejorative such as bitch or slut.

You attempt to make me feel guilty when I don't do exactly what you say or answer you quickly enough or at all.

You insult me when I don't return your amour (has that ever made a sub want you, really?).

You consider D/s an escape from vanilla life where you have poor interpersonal relations.

You ask to talk on the phone or meet within a few exchanges, and get angry when I tell you I am not comfortable with that yet.

You consider experienced subs "jaded" and prefer the company of newbies under the guise of "teaching and guiding" them. The reality is they are the only ones who don't know you are full of shit.

When I give you my limits you immediately disregard or attempt to cross them. This is not you being Dominant, this is you being a disrespectful asshole.

You tell me "good" subs have few/no limits.

You ask things of me which you would never consider reciprocating (e.g oral sex, massages, rimming, foot worship, housework, etc).

You consider D/s a sexual relationship only, and your messages become very sexual quickly.

You view and fetish events as a meatmarket.

You tell me I am not collared because I haven't found a "real" Dom yet (i.e. you). It isn't going to get you very far if you insult my past partners, whom I still love and respect. You are implying I have poor judgement, which I don't.

You expect me to be monogamous to you yet you immediately tell me you want a passel of slaves, implying you are just too much of a Dommy Dom to not share yourself with a multitude of women.

I could go on and on, and will add to this list as my experiences with finding a suitable partner continue. Rest assured I laugh every day at the absurdity of some men I come across!