dezr

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	No longer with my Daddy so i am single again. Just not sure where this leaves me but we will see. dezr

Had a great conversation with a Dominant yesterday and i am going to quote Him on something he said that i had never thought of completely...
"If you want excellence be excellent. If you want to be trained be trainable. If you want to be protected be vunerable. If you want to be listened to communicate. If you want to be fucked be sexy." How simple but profound are those statements when you step back and think about them. They are all very easy to do but also difficult because when we are going through our everyday lives who stops to really think about all the consequences of how we should do things. i am definately going to think about what the end result is of everything i do now and not just 'go through life automatically'.

i have a friend who is dying as i am writing this. He is only being kept alive on life support until they can harvest the organs. i feel like i NEED to do something and there is nothing i can do. i want to ease their pain but i cannot. i want to say i understand but i do not know why someone in their 30's and with no medical history or illnesses can just be taken away without a reason. i love the family with all my heart and am just devastated by this tragedy. There will be a little girl without a father, a Mother without a son, and brothers and sisters without a sibling. He does not seem to be suffering so that is one blessing. They have given the organ donation team until 8PM this evening and then they are turning off life support. His heart was without bloodflow for too long so it cannot be harvested. He wanted to be an organ donor but none of us knew what extent you have to go to for it to work. His heart has stopped twice since they made the decision to give the organs and both times they had to start it again so the organs would be usable. It seems like such a tragedy not to be able to let him just go but he did want to be a donor and his family is respecting that but it is so hard. i feel useless and just want to be with them all if only to hug them and cry with them. i feel this loss to my core and know that after he is truly gone there will be many lives that will have a large void.

After talking with someone who is becoming special to me i realize that although i have been used as a sexual submissive in my past this is not what i truly am or desire to be. i have been dealing with some confusion after recent conversations with a Dominant but i am working through this slowly but working through it i am. Sexis very important both in life and the lifestyle so it is a part of me but my submissiveness is an even bigger part. i have also been a service submissive and that is something i need to give. i need to know that i am needed and wanted and to make myself an intregal part of my Dominants life. Although i am submissive i am still a control freak. When i plan or do things i want and even NEED for them to go smoothly. i got very angry when i was told i was only a sexual and service submissive because i am so much more and i desire much more. Just because i have been a sexual submissive in the past it does not define me and i am so much more.

i use my past experiences in the lifestyle to grow. i have had many 'new' experiences in the past two years with my Dominant Couple. i have been 'in' the lifestyle, or at least known about it, for 10 years but was definately not active for anywhere near that long. i use the things i have learned in the lifestyle to make myself grown in that i have learned to think more before i speak and if i have something to say either hold my tongue until i am not as angry or say it respectfully. i take all my experiences as a learning process whether good or bad. i think i have learned many things but the greatest things i have learned have been through love and the caring of others. i know that someday/time i will be a member of a relationship with a Dominant and i will continue to grow and be challenged. i have to admit i do not enjoy being challenged but it is something i feel i am going to have to learn to use as a growing experience also.

Have been asked what the defination of submissive vs slave is and it has caused some serious thoughts. i have always prefered submissive to slave because IMHO slave means you give up all freewill and to me only someone who lacks intelligence and has a low self esteem can take it this far. To me a submissive submits freely and can develop to having slave tendencies without actually being a total slave. Slaves make one final decision and that is to be a slave and be owned by another for however long they want that ownership. A slave doesnt really have the option of leaving but a submissive makes the decision to submit and to stay of their own freewill they are not being forced. i know this is going to cause me to get some emails but these are just MY opinion not something i am forcing anyone else to agree with.
My relationships with Dominants have always been that of a submissive because that is what i am. It was recently pointed out to me that i was a sexual submissive but it truly goes much further than that because i dont just want to submit i NEED to submit. i could be a better submissive by holding my tongue a bit more and thinking before i say something. As a submissive i have the option to leave at anytime but i choose not to because of the feelings i have towards my Dominant. Submission is something i take very seriously which is why i do not engage in casual play. i need that connection with my Dominant. i am working on obtaining a relationship with a Dominant that i am taking slowly and cautiously because i do have slave tendencies after i choose to submit and i do not want to get too far into things then realize i have not made a good decision. So far i can say that he is a very educated and kind Dominant and that i really think being owned by him would be a learning experience because he makes me think in and out of the box.

Was just thinking about things and the new year is going great for me. i am still with Master and Mistress and they treat me wonderfully. i am still looking for my ONE but not as actively looking as waiting to be found! i have so many friends in the lifestyle that i am very fortunate!! Going to go to The Cellblock this weekend for some play! If you dont know what the Cellblock is you are missing out on the best playspace in NC as it is truly great and run by lifestyle friends who are the greatest! Maybe i will meet some of you there someday. Hope everyone else is having a great year thus far!!

While i truly love being in a relationship with Master and Mistress i have to admit that i continue to crave a Dominant that i can serve and know that i am His only one. Does anyone ever still feel wanting when they have all the attention they can handle... lonely surrounded by others... searching for what they want above all else and know it is out there somewhere just waiting to be discovered... desire for the something more? Serving part time is making me want the ltr that i experienced in the past all the more and then some. Yes i know i should be happy and content with the things i have but i truly need to serve and be tested.

DezireTher	dezire1	dezirea
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Dezire2Ser	DezireSm	dezmondab