CuriousShush

Scienific Shush

i threw my first sex toy party so that i could learn about and buy my first vibrator.  it was great!  i was about 26 and this woman came to my house and she was too funny.  she taught us some great stuff about masturbating and said something i'll never forget.  she said "Relax!  Don't worry about looking sexy or doing it right, no one is watching you.  Just go home and experiment.  Hell, pee on yourself if you have to.  Learn your body."

So that night, after everyone left the house, i decided to practice.  i had purchased the g-spot vibe (guaranteed to give you a g-spot orgasm within 5 min or your money back.)

i laid in bed naked and started rubbing my body.  i used some lube and inserted the vibe and forced myself to relax.  i felt a strong urge to pee, and i just closed my eyes, took a deep breath and went with it.  the pressure build and built until it was too much and i finally let it out.  i cant even begin to tell you how much liquid left my body.  my legs had gone all pins-and-needles and were tingling.  it rushed between my lips.  i was terrified that i had just wet my bed- and i got up so embarassed, but it wasn't yellow.  (side note, i'm always dehydrated and so my pee is always yellow).  anyway, so i got closer to the wet spot and sniffed it.  it didn't smell like urine.

i decided to try again, and the same thing happened.  i called 2 of my lesbian girlfriends (because really, who else could know more about women's bodies) and told them that it felt like i was peeing, but it didnt smell like it, and i was confused. 

Well, one of my friends, a scientist, suggested collecting some and testing it and i thought that was a great idea!

so this is what i did.  i went to PetCo and bought an aquarium pH test kit.  I went home, and peed, collecting it in a glass and left it on my bathroom sink.  then i put a lid to a huge plastic bin on my bed and placed my ass over it.  i took that vibrator and came 7 times in as many minutes!!!!  i poured what collected from the bin into a separate glass and did a pH test on both.

Guess what the results were?  It turned out i wasn't peeing on my self afterall! 

Of course it was explained to me that the g-spot is that spongy area around my urethra and that is why it feels like i have to pee.  now, whenever i have a serious g-spot orgasm i never know if it's going to be pee or cum.  i'd say 40% of the time the first wave is a little pee.  (i've since invested in a good bed-wetting pad for when i want to masturbate)  i've only been able to cum like that with another person there twice.  once just masturbating infront of him and once just from him. 

i have to say, it's not the orgasm that felt soooo good, it was the relief after that pressure built up to an almost unbareable pain!!!

and that's the story of my first g-spot orgasm!

:*

i don't understand...

i'm not judging or anything, but i don't understand when i look at a Dom's profile and his penis is tied up and he is blindfolded with wrists cuffed behind his back.  how on earth is that Dominant?  i mean, i can see him saying he's a switch or submissive- but if i belonged to a Dom and that's what he wanted, i'd just sit there in awe, completely clueless- i'd have no idea what to do.  it'd be akin to giving me rope to tie people up- i  don't know how to tie people up, i just know how to sit and be a good girl and be tied.

is this common among some Doms? 

don't get me wrong, i like to try and top now and then (i do it with my mind all the time and one of the things i'm looking for is one who will see that coming and block it).  sometimes i might try and top physically, but if i'm not confident that the only reason i can top is because you're permitting me to play and at any time you can physically reverse the situation, then you're not a Dom for me.   it's sort of like a little kid with a dog- the dog might be super friendly and calm and let me pull it's tail, but the only reason my hand is on it's tail is because it's letting me, and as soon as he wants the situation to change he's going to bark or nip me and frighten me back into behaving.

i guess i want a relaxed dog to cater to!

Home Depot, Take 2

Yes, i had another trip to Home Depot but this one was entirely different.  Why?  Because i had been out in the western part of the state with my family for Thanksgiving.  So, i was talking to my dad about how overwhelming my last trip had been, and he said, "That's silly, let's go before you head home tonight."

So, tonight i went to Home Depot.  i got to push the cart while my dad was looking around at everything!  He's so cute- nail guns!  new LED lightbulbs! etc.

We got everything i needed, and i was able to ask the guys to point us in the right direction no problem!  i was even flirty!!!

Interestingly, we were meandering down an aisle where they were just starting to gate it off (to use that big lift thingy).  My dad asked if we could slip through or if we should back up and go around.  Here's the brief exchange that ensued: 

HDG = Home Depot Guy

Dad- "Can we slip through or should we go back up the aisle and head down a different one."
HDG- "Go right through, we were waiting for you."
Dad- "Oh sorry, I didn't realize you were waiting!"
HDG- "Don't worry, I was talking to her."
me- "waiting for me? story of my life!"
HDG- (under his breath) "brat"

i smiled and blushed, felt that tickle in my belly and instantly felt that gush between my thighs, panties soaked.  By the time we got home i was afraid that i'd have a big embarassing wet spot through my jeans.

Of course, now i'm wondering oooo was it someone from here?  Did he recognize me? (because really, how many short blondes are there in MA?)  So, on the chance that he knew who i was, or maybe i just scream submissive in my barrettes, red shirt, grey jacket and blue jeans.  Most likely he was just a guy teasing me, but hey, a girl can fantasize, right?

Which ever the case may be, i had a GREAT Home Depot trip with my dad!  Yay!  Happy girl, signing off!

(btw- this post was written at 12:20am, on 5 hours sleep, after driving 150miles, and is based on a conversation from 7ish hours ago)


ok, now happy sleepy girl, signing off!

Sometime i really really hate being a girl. 

i went to Home Depot today after work.  i was sent with the mission of buying 9 doorknobs and 2 faucets and it honestly nearly brought me to tears. 

To start, i hate going into Home Depot alone.  i know the store layout well.  i?ve been in there often.  i can know exactly what i am looking for, and EVERY specification about it, and even where it is located and the price it should be.  Yet, as soon as i walk through those big automated doors i turn into a little girl.  Even worse, i turn into a little girl who?s lost her daddy. 

it?s absurd.  My whole body goes hollow and within 1 minute of being in the store my body starts trembling.  i don?t know if it?s the men i associate with the using the store or what but i always have to ask for the aisle i need, because suddenly i don?t know where the item is.  i cross that threshold and i lose my entire vocabulary.  Thermometers become temperature rods, rulers become measuring sticks with numbers, i use the words ?thing? and ?kinda like? and ?you know? and ?i?m so sorry? more than i do in any other situation throughout the day. 

i get terrified to make a decision and i need help and they do the best they can, but i don?t know which one i want, and is there a difference other than price and do i want the knob with the push button or with the twist lock?  i tell them thank you for helping and hope they go away so that they don?t have to watch how painfully indecisive i become.  And then they walk away, after giving me all the information i need, and i am just staring at these HUGE aisles of supplies and i don?t know what to do.  And i feel my legs shaking and my ass trembling and i realize my entire body is clenching and i wont turn around left or right because i don?t want to see the expression on the faces of the men as they watch the cute little blonde girl have a panic attack in the store.

So i pick up my cell phone to call my dad and ask him what i need, but i cant talk because my voice gets that tremor, my throat tightens and i feel my eyes welling up and so i totally change the topic and instead just take a deep breath and say, ?hey dad, how are you doing??  i stare at the ceiling blinking repeatedly, praying that those tears will go back in my head and after a minute my dad says in my ear, ?Ok Babes!  See you Wednesday!  Are you  ok driving alone or do you want me to ask one of the boys to pick you up??   And i tell my dad i love him, and hang up.

i look at all the options on the high wall, which i can?t even reach, and just grab one and go to the register praying that i made the right choice. 

The stupid thing is, if i went in with a man, i?d have no problem picking what i needed.  Or maybe it?s just that he?d pick it, say ?How about this one?? and i?d gratefully say, ?Yes!?

me, naked, in front of you:

the summer that i was 18 i got my first internet connection.  i started going into aol chatrooms and i LOVED them!!  i could totally be myself with no insecurities.  i've always been pretty confident about my mind, about my personality, and about my heart.  the only insecurities laid in the physical.

so, my way of doing things was to meet you online, get you to fall in love with me, and then maybe the physical wouldn't matter so much.  (ahh the insecurity of adolescence)

i met a boy online.  he was in college- going to be a sophmore where i was to be a freshman.  i was so excited!  after about 3 months of chatting, we decided to go on a date.  we had talked on the phone, emailed, im'd (this was before texting), exchanged a bunch of pictures, etc.  and we made plans to go out on a friday night.

you know how you can have good hair days or good skin days or good body days?  well, i was having a good EVERYTHING day!  i had a cute little body, was wearing jeans and a fitted cotton top, put a bit of makeup on (basically mascara and chapstick) and was REALLY excited.  now, it's not often that i acknowledge that i can be pretty good looking, but honestly?  that day i looked seriously hot.

so he comes to the front door of my parents house, rings the bell and i answer.  i'm glowing with excitement!  i'm like a mixture between a puppy and tinkerbell!  i give him a brief tour of the place and ask if we should go.   he stops and looks at me.  slowly as if in a movie, his eyes take in my face, shoulders, chest, hips, thighs, knees, ankles and toes and then take a million years traveling back up my body until they stop at my eyes.  he looks at me square on and says, "Sorry, this isn't going to work."

and i say "ok," i shake his hand and wish him a safe drive home.  i close the door after him, lock it, and collapse to the greatest pain i have ever felt.  my entire being resonated in agony (i know, a bit melodramatic- but i was 18).

that was 12+ years ago.  since then, i've totally accepted:
- he was a real asshole.  (what kind of person does that to someone???)
- it really had nothing to do with me
- i'm beautiful and desirable and have had lots of people observe that
- there are pleanty of people who want me
 and blah blah blah.....

i'm not writing this for sympathy or to ruminate on something that happend years ago.  i'm just writing it because, no matter how long ago it happened, my greatest fear is that it will happen again.  whenever i meet someone from online for the first time, this is what is in the back of my mind.- ok, it's in the front of my mind.  it's never happened again, and were it to happen again i'd probably slug the offender, but i just wanted to let you know it's there.

the more i like you, the more i put off meeting you, the more i am afraid of your rejection of me based on my looks.

*sigh* silly shush....

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

On how it is safer to be a Dom than a sub
or: why you only know me as 'shush'

i think it's much easier and safer to "come out" as a Dom than as a sub.  let me explain why:

- the world (ok i'll stick with America) expects men and women to both be Dominant.  why?  it means you are decisive in your actions, you are proactive and strong.  for many people it manifests as self confidence, ego and self worth.  it is part of what makes you successful in life, etc.  of those who see you this way, you do not ever worry about being physically hurt, disrespected or having boundaries crossed.  after all, you're the one in control.

- submissives, on the other hand, are often viewed as others as "less than".  people think they must have self-esteem problems, they are victims waiting to be hurt.  of course this is not necessarily true, and anyone who understands the act of submission understands the inner strength that goes into giving one's whole self to another.  but to the majority of the world (afterall, we are a minority) submissive people are seen as easy targets, victims who won't struggle.  they are pittied and are constantly being urged by those who "just want to help" to be stronger, more independant, more demanding, pushier.

When an aggressive, strong animal comes across a smaller, defenseless animal the little one does what it can in hopes of survival, mainly, plays dead!

what does all that have to do with me and my name?  nothing, i'm just trying to explain my hesitance at revealing myself.

i come from a strong family.  an alpha family.  i am a respected individual in my community.  i'm known for having a sharp wit and a fierce sense of humor.  i am a leader in the groups i am a part of.  people look to me for advice and direction.  i am respected for both who i am, and who i am from.    to the vanilla world i know, this does not correlate with being submissive.  they view submissive as weak or broken.  it's something to fix in a person rather than something to accept.

as someone who cares greatly about what others think of me, i'd be horrified if i were "outed".  for that reason, i dont share my name unless you are someone i trust.  unless you are someone i believe will not betray who i am to the rest of the world.  (ok, super-ego girl, like the world even cares)

the other thing- as a subbie, i'm not likely to throw caution to the wind and meet you randomly.  i'm not stupid.  i know that you (someone not used to hearing "no") i (someone incapable of saying "no") in a room together can be dangerous.  SO, until i know that you're not going to hurt /maim/kill me (unless thats my goal), i'm not going to meet
ok- now it is 9:15 and once again, i'm sitting on my couch, in a towel, late for work.

argh!!!!!!! 

things i want you to know:

~ my biggest goal in life is to become a wife and mother.  i want to raise a family.

~ to that end, i'm looking for my Master, Sir, Best Friend, Husband, Lover, Partner, Daddy and Hero.

~ i want to make you happy.  i love making life better for those around me.  i grew up in a family where it was never about "what do i want?" but instead "what can i do to make life better for those around me?"

~ i care greatly about what you think of me.  not just that, but what anyone and everyone thinks of me.  i am hyper-aware of myself and those around me.

~ i am unbelievably close to my family.  i am not leaving Massachusetts.

~ i don't need to marry a Jewish man (i never expected to), but i would like to raise a Jewish family.  if you're wondering what that entails, well- to me that means kids going to Hebrew school (like CCD) and getting bar mitzvahed, but no, i don't keep kosher)

~ if you are married or in a Poly relatioinship, i will flirt with you and flirt with the idea of meeting, but we never will.

~ i let myself fantasize MUCH FARTHER than i would really be able to go.  i sometimes get so caught up in my fantasies that i will push and cajole you to let things happen and to get harder and meaner out of you.  i push to have you take me way beyond my limits, and when you do, it terrifies me.

~ i am sneaky and manipulative when i dont even know it.  oftentimes, it comes out in the form of brattiness.


i will write more another time. but  i hope i didn't just turn everyone off.

Hooray for Pictures!!!!

i love having pictures taken and haven't had them done in a while.  This Saturday an old friend is coming over to take new bondage pics!! (He's the one who did the rope work and photographed the others).
 
YAY!!! Any suggestions of what we should do?


He keeps asking me what i want and i just don't know!!! (We've already decided that there will be no face pictures) Suggestions welcome and highly appreciated!

Thank you,
     - shush

"People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they dont travel your road doesnt mean they've gotten lost"

They told me,
"You are Woman go out and conquer the world"
They said,
"be strong, don't betray your Sisters,
you don't need a man,
you are sufficient unto yourself."
They told me, "submissive is wrong"
and degrading,
that I need bow to no man.

I lived that truth
Strong, Independent, Intelligent, Capable, In Charge, In Control

Until a new truth -

You told me, "you are woman.
Go out and conquer the world.
Then come home and sit at my feet."

You said, "Come to me in strength
and I will protect you
and celebrate your strength."

You said, "Kneel before me,
give me your woman's body for my pleasure
and I will raise you from kneeling
to heights you never imagined."

You said, "Let me into those locked rooms,
give me access,
trust me with every part of you
and I will treasure it all."

You said, "There are more truths in this world,"
and revealed them to me

and because of you
i am forever changed

Thursday, April 10, 2008
 
Nature or Nurture?
Current mood:  calm
Category: Life
 
i wonder a lot about whether i was born a submissive girl or was there something in the way i grew up that encouraged me to be this way.

i think i was born with this tendency.  i am the youngest in my family having all older brothers.  i always idolized them and wanted to be around them.  i loved to please them in entirely non-sexual ways for example; giving up the tv remote, keeping a secret, practice being a goalie as they played soccer...  etc.  in school the older boys always seemed so confident and secure, it would make me feel safe.  i always seeked out older boys to be around, it was where i felt i belonged.

is this my nature or was it because i had older brothers that i felt this way?  i dont know.

whenever i wanted to do something on my own as a girl growing up, my mom always told me, "take one of your brothers with you."  she just wanted to keep me safe as i was a very friendly, very helpful little girl.  i think this just reinforced my natural tendency to feel protected around men.  actually even now, as a grown woman (girl) i am still told to make sure i have a man with me if i am going somewhere at night, and if i do go out alone at night, i always feel exposed somehow.

i knew as a teenager on that i was attracted to older men, but i assumed that this was because they were more confident, had more experience, knew what they wanted out of life.  i didn't realize until college that it was much deeper than that.

now i look back at my life and while, in each stage my attraction towards older males seems quite normal, it has never faltered.  this is what i know now that seems to fit in with me:

~ i'm a strong girl, but i don't feel right unless there is a stronger Man around me.
~ when i call a Man "Sir" is send an electric bolt into my belly
~ nothing feels better to me than being "pet" and called a good girl
~ alone i don't know what to do with myself, but with a Man i'm ready to serve
~ when i meet a Man, i can not say "no" to Him (and no, all males are not Men in my eyes)

5/8/2008 5:53:25 PM

Monday, May 05, 2008 What kind of submissive are you? (my response)
Current mood:  satisfied

my response to an email:

hello M, Sir *smiles*

thank You very much for Your email.  i really liked what You put in Your profile.  it was very complete and appealing and i'd love to answer the questions posed (if You don't mind).

What kind of submissive are you?

i am the kind of submissive who struggles daily with being ok with who she is. it took me a very long time to learn that my mother's morals were not the same as my own, that she does not represent the world nor do her opinions count as anything more than opinions.  they are not facts and honestly should hold no more weight than anyone else's and not as much weight as mine do. i can tell myself this over and over, but still that gut feeling of being a "sick person" sometimes gets to me.

i am a masochist, sometimes to such an extreme that my Master has to say, enough because He knows with more i could be injured.  i'd love to be a slave and try to sometimes, but eventually i forget and an attitude of "are You serious??" will take over.  i am His pet and with my energy level i often feel like a puppy (both in the lifestyle and out in the 'nilla world).  i am not a victim and have never felt like one.  things may have happened in my life and i own them fully.  i'm not a service sub, but i crave being a good girl!  i am His lil' girl as well as His treasured slut.

Chances are, if you haven't really explored, you may not know. Submission is a gift and, until you know what all your gifts are, how can you give them fully or, for that matter, know what kind of Dom to give them to?

i am best suited for a DaddyDom with a bit of a sadistic streak. One who lives this rather than acts it. One who wants to only own one girl. One who is not a switch and doesn't have any tendencies to "lighten His grip". One who is smart enough to realize when i am starting to top Him and will prevent that from happening.  One who loves me dearly and tenderly.

i definitely respond well to pain and will often disobey if i know it will get me a spanking.  i have learned that the harshest punishment for me is to not be touched or spoken to.  it is almost unbareable and like a child in a time-out can't go on too long. i respond well to humiliation of sorts.  i do not respond well to being laughed at or spit on or called names.  i love bondage more than anything and am on cloud 9 when i am tied or bound.  although i do love sadistic acts, i do not respond well to violence at all. angry men scare me and it isn't the good kind of scare. being around an angry violent man quickly causes me to cry, and do what i'm told to do just to get it over with.  i can't speak up to an angry man. i am really not too experienced with victimization, objectification or subjugation so i'm not sure as to how i'd respond. generally i love punishments if they involve my being handled (unless they involve ice *shudders*). i respond well to orders when my actions are seen rather than Someone 3000 miles away telling me to do something and never being able to verify that it was done.  i glow at praise and want it so badly.  i love fear, but the fear that comes when i'm with One who wants me so bad He won't control Himself (as opposed to the kind that comes from being treated like garbage). i don't have experience being tightly wrapped or on display, but i know that i become deeply ashamed and embarassed by my body and would need to have extreme trust in the Ones i was displayed to. i enjoy watching and i LOVE being watched when i can have some sort of cloth or clothing on me.

What is it you think about when no one knows your thoughts? What do you think about when you masturbate? What is it you do not allow yourself to think about because you are scared about what it says about you?

i think about how roughly i need to be used. i think about the Man i will belong to for the rest of my life and wonder if He will ever actually find me. i think "oh God, will i cum this time?" and "this is so fun why do i always forget to do it?!" i think about the logistics behind acts that are entirely unfamiliar to me (ie, animals).  i am very curious and want to learn about everything that exists (but i definitely do not want to experience everything).

M, Sir, thank You for posing such wonderful questions because they really make me stop and think of who i am, where my strengths and weaknesses lie.

- shush

My Ideal Person:
the specifics:
~ between 27 and 34
~ decisive and firm
~ treats me as equal in the relationship
~ is the Master in the bedroom
~ unmarried/otherwise unattached
~ NO POLY
~ is subtle but still the Man in public

i'm basically looking for a man who is bigger than me (physically, emotionally and mentally). in the experiences i've had i always seem to "top from the bottom." i want a man who will make that impossible. i like tension, i like fear, i like aggression. i crave being a good girl and have never gotten a spanking that has been hard enough to be a punishment (though i've tried to deserve it).

i'm straight and i'm interested in belonging to a heterosexual man. to each their own, but i am not attracted to men who become physical with other men or TG people. i don't have preference as to the physique of the man i'm with, however, i find it easier to submit to someone older and bigger than i am (26 and 5'1).

i don't really have taboos in the bedroom, however there are some things that i have no interest in trying to any degree. these would consist of things involving animals or children, anything that permanently alters anyone's body, any medical play, anything involving going to (or not going to) the bathroom. i think that's it on my no-no's.

my feelings on one-night stands are that i've been known to fall into them, but i am not fond of them. mostly i just get lost in the moment and the excitement.

is that enough for now?

3 quotes:

"In the world there is nothing more submissive and weak than water. Yet for attacking that which is hard and strong nothing can surpass it." (Lao Tzu)

Man said, "you are woman. Go out and conquer the world. Then come home and sit at my feet." (?)