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Hello all!
Not sure how we are moving forward. Probably just looking for friends now and seeing what I (Jason) can learn for us.
I will add at this point, after some further, in-depth discussions with my beautiful wife, that she will at no point ever be topped or dominated by another human being again. That is just not for her anymore. Guess that kind of invalidates our username now...lol...but it is what it is.
Always up for chatting or messaging myself, not so much her. |
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Since the beginning…my heart has been completely yours…
There is no room to love another…it belongs to you…
Each day, my love grows ever more...even stronger…
Yet you seem to toy with my heart…ripping little pieces away on a whim…
As you take a piece away…I compensate and love you more with less…
I have to wonder…when that last piece is ripped away…
What shall I do…when I have no reason to be… |
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It has been about a year now, since this journey started.
I've learned quite a bit in that time. Most of through the school of hard knocks, so to speak.
I learned quite a bit about myself too, and the nature of myself. I went from being negative about the whole thing to realizing and embracing some aspects about myself.
One of the biggest issues we had was being on the same page. I could never get us both there, no matter how hard I tried and how much she said we were.
I don't think we'll ever be on the same page, about most things sexual, kink or vanilla.
So, who knows what this year holds. I'm guessing not alot of kink though....probably easier to just stop. Who knows.... |
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Ugh.
Hrmph. After posting, I noticed my entry below. Wow. I feel the same if not worse right now.
Last night started mostly great and then blew up in my face. I can't seem to win, at least on an emotional level. I just can't seem to handle certain things. And it always seem to get to that point when others play with her.
I feel like I can't win. No matter what decision I make, there's some sort of negative repercussion. I need to figure out which road forward emotionally hurts me the least, and there doesn't seem to be a road that doesn't hurt at all....
And this seems to happen when I get the most comfortable with the lifestyle too; which I find weird. Have a good night, then a bad. Things got better, had an awesome night. Then last night.
Ugh.
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It amazes me how I think I make some great personal strides in dealing with "issues" as a result of "playing" with other people. I think I do good, and then one or two things make me think and I slip back into "blah" mode. I go from wanting to try things to not wanting to bother with this anymore. Somedays it's so hard to not be myself....and I question everything. Nobody ever seems to have any answers though....and that sucks. |
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I need you....
Your breath at my neck....it's electric....
Your smell....it's intoxicating....
The touch of your fingers....your nails....
The slight brush of your lips....
Your tongue....
It all makes my body quiver....
I need you....
These very things....let you control me....
Own me....make me your slave....
These very things are why I can never belong to anyone but you, my lovely wife....
My one, true Master....
You own what no one else ever can....
All of my love....
And my very soul.... |
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I think I've finally had the epiphany that I will never be more than a bottom during a session or scene. I don't think I could ever truly be a slave to anyone but my wife, and she doesn't want that anyway.
Can the spouse of one be a slave to another?
Who has dominion, the master or the spouse?
I suppose that depends on what one person considers a slave. On greatly depends on the Master....
I wonder what I'll do when that bridge presents itself to me....jump off the side of it?
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D'oh! ALF party for July is tomorrow!!!! Unfortunately, there are real life plans so we have to skip another month. Razzafrazzin'.....
I think the wife's back desperately needs a flogging....it's been since March....I know she hates not getting a bit of play in....
I hope August's party is at the end of the month or it'll be another no-go and she'll have to wait until September!
We miss our ALF buddies....I hate being so stinkin' busy.... |
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I've noticed that not many online Dom/mes want to just simply chat. There's often a learning curve for new people, but nobody ever seems to want to help out or care.
We have met one Dom on here that has been nothing but nice, so I will point out Him. We still chat to this day; just not much of BDSM stuff. But that's fine, friendship first!
I also finally chatted with a Domme the other night who was very nice, it just was too much too fast, and I couldn't ask questions or learn.
Let's counter this to every single Dom/me I've met face to face (at the wonderful ALF parties) has been nothing but incredibly polite, interesting, and more than willing to teach and help new people.
So, to our friends at ALF, I salute you!
Jay |
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Well, we can't make it to the June ALF play party; which is a bummer. Hopefully July will get worked out! I sure hate missing out on seeing everybody...
Also, kind of fun last night, wifey spanked my balls a little, getting my toes wet, kind of liked it too....she rocks!
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I keep seeing so many of you wonderful people checking our profiles almost daily but there's nothing new here! I thought I'd better post a journal at least!
Firstly, happy mother's day to all moms out there! I hope it is a good day to all.
Not much else happening. The ALF party was postponed, so probably no playing this month. Hopefully June will fall on the right weekend, it is a very busy month for us; Kari needs her fix....lol....
Thanks to all the great people that we've met on here, I love looking at your profiles. Double thanks to all the awesome people we've met because of MzSheila and ALF, hugs to all of you great people!
Hopefully we'll get to see some of you soon!
Jason |
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