Safe Words
Journal Entry by MasterLoki
Safe words.
My journey. Not a blueprint nor a guide for others. To clarify my view in my own head I need to have it in words.
The safe words I use. The standard traffic light system.
Green:.. I am ok
Yellow:.. I am getting close to my limits.
Red... STOP!!!
Red Red Red: Stop session completely.
Why do I use safe words?
Many in the scene will tell you they don’t need safe words. “I know my sub and I can read her limits better than she can” ,“I do what I want with my slave, I am her Master”, “I’m an experienced Dom – only newbie Doms use safe words”.
I will explain my reasoning why, if you want to play hard, then you need safe words to be the ground rules of how to get there.
I am not God. No matter how good I am at reading muscle tone or body reaction or stance, I am not the one experiencing the sensations inflicted. It is just NOT POSSIBLE for me to know exactly what is happening in the girl’s head unless she has some way of communicating that to me.
If I have accepted the position of Dom/Top/Pain provider then once the ground rules are laid I have a job to do. If the girl is to be given the best experience, to be taken as far as she can go it is up to me to take her there. She cannot get there on her own, I have accepted that contract and it is up to me to fulfil it. The proviso here is that it remains within MY limits.
One contentious point: I believe it is disrespectful of me to stop before she is taken as far as she can go. If I take on a session of pushing boundaries then I MUST push them and cannot arbitrarily stop unless my limits are reached or a safe word is used or if I believe the session has reached an unsafe place. So if I do not push her hard enough, or stop too soon, then I have failed in fulfilling the contract I have accepted.
Even seemingly normal play that we have done a hundred times can be safe worded out if the girl’s head is not in the right place. If she is nearing her period her pain will be felt differently and perhaps not in a way that is good for her. If she has personal issues or upsets, her head may very well not be in the place to play. If she uses a safe word then I am given the opportunity to change direction, go back to a slower, gentler pattern or even stop the session altogether.
In a session I will often ask “what colour are you?” This achieves many things. The reply gives me the information I require. It makes the sub feel that I am in control (I am demanding this information from her). It promotes trust. It focuses her attention on how she is. This point is important. She may feel she is ok, she may be just allowing her body to experience the sensation. But once asked “what colour” she must focus and assess her own headspace, her own body and its responses. I have had many girls at that point say “red.” This is not because I have interrupted their session but because upon reassessment they have found, “Wow I thought I was ok but once you asked me I realised I wasn’t”.
“What colour are you?” early in a session, (when I am certain she is ok anyway), promotes trust and relaxes the girl, as well as creates a pattern of expectation that I will demand them and she will use her safe words. She must know that I need her to use them, and it is not a failure to do so. Often submissive girls think it is a sign of failure or weakness to use a safe word, where rather it is a system of ground rules that enables trust and allows them to be taken further.
Halfway through a session it reinforces control and confidence. Near the end of a session where you are pushing hard a simple nod will suffice in answer as the girl’s power of speech may have “left the building”. The lack of a nod is enough to terminate the session. (Hand or finger signals or a dropped ribbon etc can also be used.)
No! or Stop! are strong words and have a powerful impact. In a kidnap roleplay those words are ignored as part of what a victim would normally say in protest. But the use of a safe word in a roleplay will immediately halt proceedings.
The use of Sir or Master, produces respect for the Top on one side and reinforcement of the place of the sub on the other. In the same way, to say “No!” or “Stop!” in a normal play session, places too much control in the hands of the sub and renders the Dom’s place as little more than a pain provider. Safe words provide information, keeping control in the hands of the Dom while retaining the ultimate control to stop a session in the hands of the sub. This promotes trust and keeps her safe.
Trust.
If a girl is to trust she must feel not only safe but also that her Dom knows what he is doing and that he will stop doing it when a safe word is used. The process of instruction and description should ensure a certain level of trust is developed. Complete trust is achieved over time and cannot be rushed.
Safe words are sacrosanct. They MUST be obeyed and adhered to rigidly and immediately. It is the sub's responsibility to use a safe word when necessary. If I cannot COMPLETELY trust that she will use one when she needs to, then I CANNOT push her hard in a session. Overuse of safe words will mean a session cannot continue and sometimes this is the best result.
And sometimes they forget. At the pointy end of a session where boundaries are being pushed hard then sometimes a sub will lose her safe words. This can be for many reasons - it is possible that she is in a place where she is not able to gauge her limits correctly nor her own reactions, and the ability to articulate this. Again, this is where trust is imperative because as the Dom in charge I must make a judgement call as to what is best and she either trusts my judgement or she does not. It is the level of trust that determines how hard to push and where to stop. I must always be aware of my limits and never push past them in a session just because a sub wants to keep going.
This is where I liken BDSM to an extreme sport. People get hurt, rarely severely but they do get hurt. Risk aware consensual kink makes sure the risks are known by both parties and the decisions made are based on a full understanding of those risks. Once those decisions are made, safe words are in place and trust is high...Game On!
I have heard it said “Safe words are for sissies!”
I disagree.
If you want to play hard, push boundaries, or go where others fear to tread, then safe words are the rules of the game that will get you there the quickest and safest way.
Master Loki.
